I'm sorry you struggle.
I don't know it this could help you.
Before you move forward with Open Marriage conversations... maybe you could step back to see if you guys are still romantically compatible?
What are your "toggles?"
Check all the ones that apply to you today. May or may not change over time... but what applies to you today? I quote just to visually block it off.
- I am monoamorous. I want to love only one sweetie.
- I am polyamorous. I want to love more than one sweetie.
- I am monogamous. I feel happiest in a relationship shape that is 1:1 – me and my sweetie and no other people.
- I am relationship shape flexible.
- I am monoamorous. I am ok being in a (monogamous shape) or being like (an endpoint in a V thing or similar.)
- I am polyamorous. If my partner talks to me about my poly thoughts and feelings, and I have poly friends, that feels “open enough” to me. So I am willing to be in a Closed relationship shape and not date others so it feels “closed enough” to my partner. We meet in the middle.
- I am polygamous. Whether a a V, or a quad or a poly network – I feel happiest in a relationship shape that is more than 1 other person.
Could ask wife to check her toggles. Then compare.
If you guys have become fundamentally incompatible over time? Grown apart or in different directions? As sad as it is to come to that realization? It may be best to SKIP talking about Open marriage. And talk about a peaceful divorce instead. Then she is free TO go poly as she wishes in her romantic life, and you are free FROM anything poly that you do not want in your romantic life.
It is ok to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that go against my own grain. If you want to go there? I wish you well but I cannot follow. This is not a thing for me."
Sometimes people come here on the board seeking ways to "make it work" as a means to avoid a break up. They call it "save the marriage" but really it is "avoid breaking up." Then it becomes a double load of pain for them. Like if they faced it head on, it would be a single load of pain. No break up is "fun" but at least it is a single load.
But in avoiding dealing with that, they drag it out and take this side trip thing trying to do wonky Open Marriage/poly even if it is not the healthiest thing. Because they so much want to "preserve the marriage shape at all costs" ... even at the cost of the health of the people. That isn't sustainable and it eventually crashes down. And
then they have to talk about breaking up. Only it came at the price of double load pain. Doing (wonky poly + break up) rather than just (break up.)
If staying in a Closed marriage makes her deeply unhappy? And Open Marriage would make you deeply unhappy?
You guys may have to become willing to let the marriage shape go. Stop doing (marriage) together. And do something else together instead -- like (good exes and friends). Something that fits the two people better than a relationship shape that no longer fits right.
I think the best way to do poly is to make sure all the participants are "joyous yes!" about. Thrilled and happy to go there.
If it is more like someone is compromising themselves or their deeply held values just to (keep the relationship shape going in order to avoid breaking up)... that's not a good way to enter into poly. It's a good way to grow resentments later on.
I think it is better to prioritize (looking after the health and well being of the people) than (preserving a relationship shape.)
My 2 cents.
Galagirl