When to disclosed mental health issues to new relationships

beautychateau

New member
I am not sure if I am in the right category.

I am new to the lifestyle and recently joined Swinging Heaven.

I started talking to two poly married men who are looking to date and potentially have a girlfriend.

They both mentioned they want to get to know me personally in hopes of building an emotional connection.

I am just curious or wondering when or if I should mention that I have mental health issues (diagnoses with Depression, dysthymia and traits of a personality disorder for 14 years now)?

In the past with my monogamous relationships, i would state that have frequent mood fluctuations and I am impatient but do not really disclose the labels in the beginning. Sometimes they do not believe me until my mood drops. If I was asked about previous self harm scars, I would explain about past painful moments which they are surprised because I come across as being happy and full of energy.

However since I am exploring new styles of relationships, I thought I would change up my style if something more stable would develop.

Would you personally would like to know a person's mental health status right in the beginning or couple of dates later? I just want to know what are people's personal preferences.

Also I am just getting out a major depressive episode (May 2016 to Jan 2017). I stated going out with friends and dating again in Feb since I am feeling a bit better. I am not 100% better, maybe 60-70% - i am not back to all my hobbies yet (only sex) and I don't feel to go back to work. So far, I told my dates that because I was grieving the end of a relationship and have family obligation to explain why I am currently not working, but honestly it is because I was really depressed for a year.

Looking forward to hear about your personal experiences.

P.S.

I thought maybe instead of focusing on labels or diagnoses, I could explain what I need from a partner in terms of how to support me best. For example, someone who is patient, reliable and wont take my actions/feelings personally. Then give an example of a trigger or two. I had tried to communicate this recently and the person told me they wanted to be "friends" than "lovers" - which made me think maybe i said or did something wrong :(
 
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Hello!
I feel for you, this is a difficult and touchy subject.
Personally I do have mental health issues, dysthymia and anxiety, but thankfully less severe depressive episodes, so I kind of still try to fit the norm.
I'm not good at dating, my relationships always 'just happened'. But when I'm trying to date... I don't feel I should disclose on the very first meeting, because it's not first impression stuff. Everyone wants to be pleasant to meet on a first date, right? And things (for me) don't get intimate right away. If there is any continued interest, maybe on a second date already, I will disclose that I'm on medication for mood swings and see what their questions are.

I do disclose polyamory right away, because I think discovering I have a partner after flirting with me for awhile would feel like betrayal.

I thought maybe instead of focusing on labels or diagnoses, I could explain what I need from a partner in terms of how to support me best. For example, someone who is patient, reliable and wont take my actions/feelings personally. Then give an example of a trigger or two. I had tried to communicate this recently and the person told me they wanted to be "friends" than "lovers" - which made me think maybe i said or did something wrong :(
Explaining needs, or talking about your symptoms and how you manage them is imho a great way. You didn't do anything wrong. You were honest. Unfortunately mental health issues will 'scare' some people away, and that's why you disclose in the first place - so that they have a chance to think about their boundaries and don't get involved if they don't feel they can handle it. Keep it up - it's still less painful if they reject you right away, than getting involved and then being dumped when in a depressive episode.
 
Thank you for your reply.

I guess I'm conflicted because of course when first meeting someone I try to be outgoing and positive. However I cant always keep it up since I still have some depressive symptoms (insomnia, lack of interest, fatigue, mood swings, etc).

I also haven't been taking treatment (anti-depressant or psycho-therapy) because of lack of motivation at the moment.

However having someone be nice to me and provide me with cuddles is helpful at the moment. But I will wont use the poly dates as emotional support since I have other supports in place. Maybe that will ease any possible pressure or reservation from them?

Also I am feeling better where I can be a support person to someone else, however I may become unreliable temporary if the depression takes over.

I have a feeling people will just tell me to stay single because I have too much baggage.

Honestly, besides from last year, the last time I had a serve major depression (where hospitalization was recommended) was 14 years ago - so it isn't like I'm freaking out every year.
 
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I would like to know something like this within the "getting to know each other period" of the first couple dates. That way i can assess if I am in a place where I can deal with it before continuing. I would feel blindsided if an issue came up while I was in the throes of NRE. That would cause me issues.

I'm not talking about plopping a folder down in front of me. Just a heads up of certain behaviors that would affect us would suffice. I do the same, as some of my behaviors could be read as disinterest so I feel I should disclose that in order for anything to work.
 
Hi beautychateau,

I think I would mention any mental health issues on the second or third date. Doesn't have to be on the first date. Just my initial impression.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Cunning Minx from Poly Weekly has a useful idea for conveying all sorts of information to potential partners. She suggests writing and sharing a personal 'User Manual'.

Google 'poly weekly user manual' - it pops right up.

The user manual is meant to tell others how you want, need and like to be treated, what you need, what are hard limits or triggers, past history and anything else you'd like a potential partner to know. I see no reason why you can't have something on mental illness and how it impacts your relationships.

Some brave people post theirs on their dating profiles. Others give it to people on a third or later date, once some interest in deepening things has been established. But this would be one way to inform folks if and when things get to that point.
 
I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. In the past I didn't tell prospective partners until it seemed like they would need to know--which in a couple of occasions wasn't until they saw me having an anxiety attack or PTSD episode. Not the best choice.

After a relationship ended in summer 2015 due in part to his inability to handle my anxiety attacks (he said as a partner, he felt like he had to "fix" me, but if we were just friends it would be easier for him), I changed my strategy. When I met my current boyfriend, which was only two months after the end of the previous relationship, I spilled everything to him at our first in-person meeting. I figured if he was going to walk away because of my problems, I would rather have it happen right off the bat than after I'd developed feelings for him. (Obviously, he didn't walk away.)

Since then, I don't give prospective partners as much info at first as I gave him, but I do let them know the first time we meet up that I have mental health issues, which are generally well-managed but occasionally cause anxiety attacks or depressive episodes. Reactions have ranged from "Thanks for letting me know" to "I want to keep seeing you, so please tell me how to help you if I see you having an anxiety attack."

Personally, I would recommend telling someone about your mental health issues early on. If they have a problem with it, they might not be someone you'd want to be involved with anyway.
 
Personally, I would recommend telling someone about your mental health issues early on. If they have a problem with it, they might not be someone you'd want to be involved with anyway.

True, I just hope someone can deal with it and since I'm stuck with it.
 
One of the questions on the dating site OK Cupid is, would you date someone with a mental illness? I answered, if they were receiving treatment.

I hear you saying you're not motivated to be on any helpful meds or to see a therapist right now, despite having spent the past 6 months in a depressive state (including a hospital stay)?

You're only feeling 60-70% better and have not resumed hobbies, but want sex.


I mean this kindly (my partner of 8.5 years has depression/anxiety): Rather than worrying about WHEN to tell a prospective partner about your struggles with your health, perhaps you should be seeking treatment so you can be as stable as possible before someone falls for you? Have meds and therapy helped you in the past? Wasn't a further course of therapy recommended for you after your hospital stay?
 
I was prescribed anti-depressants last year but I haven't been taking them. I have done counselling infrequently over the years but it wasn't structured and wasn't focused on the depressant symptoms.

I was under a 72 hour hospital stay 14 years ago. Then I decided I would move on with life and was coping pretty good over the years.

Last year, I voluntarily went and stayed for a night but was discharged in the morning. It was family/friends that were telling me that I should go back, but I didn't want to.

It is true becoming more stable would be helpful since my borderline personality disorder traits can make having a stable relationship difficult.

It just would be nice to have some romantic companionship from time to time or I can just invest in a new sex toy and forget about relationships all together LOL.
 
I have bipolar 2, under just the right combination of meds and managing well. I agree with Mags that, if you still aren't functioning optimally (ie can't work), you need to accept the treatment. I went through periods where I was off my meds and I felt GREAT, going through the typical mania of no sleep, incredible energy, and always wanting sex. I also spent too much money, drank too much, lost my job, cheated on my husband, and treated other members of my family horribly because they tried to TELL me I was manic. Then the crash into depression. Then the guilt.

After repeating this cycle well into my 30's, I quit fucking around and started treating my issues as if my life depended on it. Because it did.

Anyhoo, you will do what you want.

When dating if, after a couple of dates and the personal baggage would start to be discussed, I would bring it up then. I prefer for someone to know me a bit as a person first, rather than know me by my disorder.

I went on two dates with my current husband before I told him. Since I was doing what was necessary to manage it, it wasn't a big deal. In the 9 years I have known him, I have had only two really bad periods, and the last one was about 6 years ago. I did everything I could to get help and get my medications adjusted. He stood by me without complaint because I was working to fix myself. Of course I needed his encouragement and prodding because it can be overwhelming to try to do what's necessary even to get out of bed in the morning, but I had to do it. I went without a job for about 4 months. I made pies. I got sick of never getting the crust right, and REALLY sick of not having a purpose, as I wasn't being a great wife or mother, either. The efforts finally paid off; I got my job back, enjoyed my family again, and started to believe life didn't suck all the time.
 
I was prescribed anti-depressants last year but I haven't been taking them. I have done counselling infrequently over the years but it wasn't structured and wasn't focused on the depressant symptoms.
Magdlyn i right about getting treatment being very reassuring to potential lovers.
I get not wanting to take antidepressants, especially if you feel confident getting on your feet by yourself again. They run contra some people's worls view, and can have unpleasant side effects too.
I think maybe you could have a different plan to stick to and tell your potentials. You say you're not without social support. A user here always suggests a "anxiety management plan", where you have listed the action steps you take (i.e. treatment), but also things like 'people I can call if I am not feeling well' (whom you ask before what they are willing to do and what they aren't). Maybe you could have some plan for your depression and personality disorder. Then you could say something along the line of: 'Look, I sincerely believe that what I need most now is some rest from work, and while I'm not working with a therapist now, I'm educating myself in ____ and working to help myself with the goal to be able to manage ____ better. Short, I'm confident to improve in time, I do have support and not all of my burden will fall on your shoulders.' This could be imho reassuring to potential lovers.
 
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I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and mild PTSD. I tried medication multiple times and did not like it. Instead, I read a lot of self help books, see a therapist, practice meditation, and cultivate compassion and gratitude in my life. Those things all help. The therapist and self help books have given me the tools I need to work through the anxiety and PTSD. The meditation, compassion (including self-compassion) and gratitude keep me centered and keep my perspective from becoming skewed towards the anxiety. The therapist is also a great, neutral party for talking out problems or issues in my life.

I like Tinwen's idea. I think an action plan would be beneficial for you and reassuring to prospective partners. I also think you may want to reconsider therapy. The right therapist can make all the difference, in my experience.
 
"'Look, I sincerely believe that what I need most now is some rest from work, and while I'm not working with a therapist now, I'm educating myself in ____ and working to help myself with the goal to be able to manage ____ better. Short, I'm confident to improve in time, I do have support and not all of my burden will fall on your shoulders."

I like this idea, I will use something similar to that.


Also I am using my family obligations as an excuse of why I haven't been working for a year. At this time there is no rush to work, maybe I will try part time (I miss having money) but I don't think I can handle full time again.
 
Hey @beautychateau, I'm curious about how you've been approaching this since your last post.

I recently realised that depression was affecting the relationship with my primary partner (she is depressed, and just about to start therapy). We've been having problems for months, and couldn't understand why. Depression came up during some conversations (another partner who is a doctor brought it up), but I don't think either of us realised the impact it was having on our relationship.

So I've been sucking up as much information as I can find, and recently joined a few forums for support. I'm eager to hear how it's been going when you share this with partners.
 
One view could be being upfront about these things. Another is that this is your business. From a practical perspective, I tend to think that if *you* like a guy, you need to tell him.

After all, you liking him means he'd better be prepared to handle the symptoms :p
 
@beautychateau, I hope that you seek professional treatment to help you with your illness. I would say the same thing to someone with cancer or heart disease or diabetes that was refusing help.

Medication is always a challenge and comes with uncomfortable side effects. More so with medicine that treats mental vs physical issues. However, please take your treatment seriously.

As far as your question goes, I think it is important early on to admit that you are working through health issues, not matter what type.
 
I'm mildly depressive, & have been since at least age 15. Shrinks have told me that meds would have much more downside than upside.

But I have friends who are outright depressed. The ones who do best seem to be those who take the best care of themselves: regular exercise, limited screen-time, eating right, minimizing alcohol & caffeine & sugar, meditation, diligent sleep period. If a doctor just wants to hand out scrip & shoo you out the door, then find a better doctor.
 
I have never been in a relationship with someone who did not have mental ilnesses of some kind or another.

Growing up, i thought the "normal people" were just good at faking it. I usually ask about it fairly early on. Mental illnesses will not scare me away, i just like knowing what to expect. That said, nobody has ever been completely upfront with me, which doesnt bother me. I just learn their individual quarks and learn how i can help.

Personally, i would want to know as early as possible, but it wouldnt scare me away either way.
 
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