Taking a break?

Has anyone taken a conscious break in a relationship? I think I need one right now but I've never done it before. I don't want to see Ponytail. Mistakes have been made, sincere apologies have been given, but I just feel sad and I don't know what to do. He didn't mean to hurt me and I feel like I am being too sensitive about what he said and what his intent was....but even so I just feel like I don't want to engage right now.

I was talking to a friend who said he and his girlfriend didn't talk for a week and then were able to smooth things out. That sounds kind of appealing....I don't want to break up....I just don't want to have to think about this relationship for a little while.

Any other experiences that might help me navigate this?
 
I don't think asking for a little space is a bad thing, if that's what you need. Just make sure to put at least a check-in time for it to end (you can always ask for more) as "I need more space" without some determined period feels WAY worse, at least IMO.
 
I agree with icesong. It's totally fine to take space if you need it, but do put a time frame on it. I've done that in previous relationships, and it has been really helpful.
 
There is nothing wrong with stepping back for some introspection.

Just set a date to revisit the issue and follow through with no contact.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds like you are in need of a break of about one week. That seems very reasonable, let Ponytail know this, and that you will talk to him again when the week is up. In the meantime, I hope you get some healing and clarity.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
While I realize that this is semantics... I hate the idea of "breaks." It sounds very teenager to me and immature.

I totally think that if someone needs time and space to process, then they should ask for it, and get it. And that is realistically a "break."

But to me, break implies "we're temporarily not in a relationship" which I don't like. That's how you get people sleeping with someone else and then saying "but we were on a break so it was fine!" and it just all sounds very overly dramatic to me. Personally, I think that needing some space but still considering yourself in a relationship and knowing that you intent to touch base after you've had the time you need makes sense. But if you're going to break up with someone (aka... take a break) then be done and don't expect them to wait around from some period of time until you've decided that you're ready to consider being their partner again.

And I know... semantics, and maybe it's just me being picky. But that word itself just pushes my buttons.
 
I definitely don't have the expectation that he "wait around" -- he is free to pursue other relationships at all times, regardless of our status.

How should I ask for this? The last time we communicated was this morning and he said he would let me be and give me some space because he didn't want to make things worse. Should I just take that as an opportunity to create a break (as in, since he is already giving me space, just take the space that I need for a week) or do we still need to be explicit about it and set an end date? Assuming we still need to be explicit, should I text him to ask for it? Would an in-person conversation make more sense? Before all of this happened, we had plans to get together tomorrow....should we get together and then I ask for a break/space in person?

I am so clueless about this stuff. I don't know what the etiquette is.
 
I don't know what the etiquette is either, but my initial instinct is to hold off on the in-person contact. I think I would suggest texting him, something like, "I'll contact you again in a week, please no contact until then."
 
I recently took a one week "break" (temporary no contact time) from Jester, with the understanding that we'd check in with each other in exactly one week, and if need be, take another week.

He and I had been having on-going communication issues for months; I was/am in therapy; and I just felt like I couldn't deal with waiting around endlessly for him to contact me or not, on HIS time-frame, so I requested a break in order to take a breather and get my head on straight.

In my experience, when things are emotionally fraught, it's sometimes better to have ZERO expectations, instead of yearning/longing/craving more than the other person is willing or able to give. Hence the temporary break. Of course, that is NOT a long term solution to any problem - the work has to be done, or not, eventually - and a timeframe for either moving forward with new agreements in place OR ending the relationship must be decided upon.
 
Well, that didn't go the way I expected....

I felt like I needed to explain in person and so I asked to come over to his place after the kids were asleep. I probably should have just explained what i needed and then left, but he has pretty intense anxiety and depression and so he really had a hard time coping with the idea of not being able to contact me for a week and I had a hard time leaving when he was upset. I think maybe it's different when you are proposing taking a break because you feel like there is continuous issues on both sides....in this case I was hurt by him unintentionally and he didn't have any way to make it better.

Anyway, I realized how much better I was feeling after only one day apart and so I proposed that we just do a 2 day break and asked that we not chat until Thursday. This seemed more manageable and I left feeling okay.

As I was falling asleep back at home I got texts from him saying that he really couldn't cope and asking that we not do this right now and he would find another way to make things right with me.

So....yeah.

I don't even know what I want. Maybe a break wouldn't even help very much. I just thought it was worth a try but I think his mental health isn't in a good space for us to have a no-contact rule.
 
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Decide on your boundaries.
You feel shitty right now, that's why you proposed the break. Will you run back to comfort him because he feels shitty about you taking a break? Or will you let him manage his own feeling shitty while you manage yours?
You can do both, but what will be the long term implications of either choice for your relationship?
 
I think I shouldn't have put the time frame on it. My instinct was to just ask for more space in a general way but I was trying to follow the guidance on here (and in other articles I had read about taking a break) around setting a time limit and expectation of no-contact, but I think that just stressed him out because it felt too formal and limiting. In chatting this morning, he said he would give me more space to process how I am feeling. I think that's really all I want/need and if framing it that way is less stressful for him then that's fine with me too.
 
Sure. For most people it's imho less stressful to have a timeframe set (she's processing, but we'll meet on sunday), than indefinite (she's not talking to me and I have no clue how long this crisis will last), that's maybe why. If a timeframe doesn't help you in any way, you drop it.
 
This whole situation has been non-stop 'issues" from the get-go and looks suspiciously like codependency to me. You know what the definition of insanity is, right? I've commented on it several times before but you don't seem to ever address what I say.
 
This whole situation has been non-stop 'issues" from the get-go and looks suspiciously like codependency to me. You know what the definition of insanity is, right? I've commented on it several times before but you don't seem to ever address what I say.

Yes, you are correct, I don't really find your comments to be constructive.
 
Sometimes the things we need to hear the most are the things we do not want to hear.
 
Sometimes the things we need to hear the most are the things we do not want to hear.

Resources on how to identify and change codependent habits?
Personal experiences that illustrate how someone else in a similar situation managed it?
Advice that pairs concerns about issues within the relationship with answers to the question that is being asked?

These are all constructive ways of getting the same message across. I get it, when you see someone engaging in what appears to be an unhealthy relationship, it's hard to know how to frame things in a way that is constructive when all you want to yell is, "DTMFA!"
 
I found books by Melody Beattie to be useful when I found myself enmeshed over and over again in codependent relationships. I know there is a new crop of writers out there.

I know that Ponytail is in counseling, but I can't remember if you are as well. An internet forum can go only so far. Can you swing counseling for the two of you together, to work on your relationship dynamic?

You are a fixer, I get that; I really do. But you can't do this on your own. Ponytail is doing self-work, but you are stuck doing all the relationship work. I'm worried about how this will eventually impact your relationship with Glasses.
 
I found books by Melody Beattie to be useful when I found myself enmeshed over and over again in codependent relationships. I know there is a new crop of writers out there.

I know that Ponytail is in counseling, but I can't remember if you are as well. An internet forum can go only so far. Can you swing counseling for the two of you together, to work on your relationship dynamic?

You are a fixer, I get that; I really do. But you can't do this on your own. Ponytail is doing self-work, but you are stuck doing all the relationship work. I'm worried about how this will eventually impact your relationship with Glasses.

Thank you. Googling Melody Beattie right now.

We are both in therapy. Unfortunately Ponytail doesn't see his therapist for another week, which is part of why things are so rough right now.

We have talked about seeing someone together. I have been to one of his therapist sessions with him, but we both want to make sure that he protects his relationship with his therapist (he's been working with her for 3 or 4 years) and that she doesn't become "our therapist." We've asked her for a referral (she didn't know of anyone who specializes in Ponytail's diagnosis and is also poly-friendly) and I'm going to ask my therapist for a referral too.
 
Like Ponytail, my lover has mental illness. Hell yes, I take breaks when it gets overwhelming. My people know that if they ask about her and I say "We're off again," it means we're not seeing each other or talking much. This can last a few days or a couple weeks.

I've asked for breaks mindfully, usually after a very bad episode once she's stable and safe. After days or even weeks of dealing with her problems, I need this time away from her to turn my attention fully to my own work/health/life. I refill my own bucket, so to speak.

A couple of times it's been a "hard break." This happens when I see her not doing her part to stay on track, skipping her meds or doing hard drugs. I blow up out of frustration and anger, screaming "It's over!" These breaks definitely don't help her mental state, but I think of it as tough love, it means she's forced to deal with her own shit. So far, I have always taken her back after she's stopped whatever behavior triggered the hard break. I do not promise to do so forever, I reevaluate frequently while not under her sexy influence.

I've had to radically accept that this is just how my relationship with her IS. I can only comfortably stay in it if I actively take time away from it. I have to consciously carve out lots of separateness for myself. Like your guy, my lady doesn't always like it when I pull away, and she tries to push my boundaries. Like you, I want to be supportive and help her, but I don't appreciate being forced into the position of caretaker or enabler. And I certainly don't want my world constantly in shambles over relationship drama.

You gotta figure you can't help anyone if you're exhausted, overwhelmed, and angry. Do what you need to to regulate your own emotions. Take as much space or distance as you need, Pony will have to take care of Pony. Then you'll be able to see Ponytail and the relationship with more clarity.
 
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