Well that didn't go as hoped. 😕

TexasD

New member
A little back story....I had two separate poly experiences years ago. Fun experiences but neither continued for long.

Recently, I had started to consider this again. Online, I found and answered an ad with someone who is a MW couple looking for a third.

We emailed back and forth and things were going well for days. We exchanged cell numbers and started chatting via text. That was going well for days. We made tentative plans to meet for dinner the next weekend. No specific time/place was set yet.

Then the communication stopped just like that. People change their minds or they connect with someone else more.....I get that.

But I would have hoped they would have been more mature than this. I guess I should be thankful, on some level, that the true colors were shown before I was emotionally invested.
 
I know that most people get down on ghosters, but in my experience, it now seems to be an accepted way to graciously bow out early in the game. I experienced it on both sides while I was dating and if you know that it's just part of the dating landscape now, it's not such an insult. I wouldn't necessarily attribute bad character or cowardice to someone who ghosts early in the relationship. Because establishing communication is so easy now, bowing out early on is also easy and a formal goodbye isn't always required. Accepting this made it a lot easier for me to date in this texting world. As for them not being interested after all - yes, it's only to your benefit that you know as soon as possible. Again, it's just part of dating, no matter who or what relationship style.
 
I'm just really glad that I found out early, as I consider this somewhat rude. But I also need to remember that not everyone thinks this way.

I can't say I am too disappointed. They live about an hour from me so things would be challenging considering the kind of relationship I want....lunch dates, going hiking, etc.

So I'm thankful vs perplexed. I'm going to go with thankful for $200, Alex. 😂
 
I'm sorry that happened to you.

I will admit I'm a ghoster. I used to think it was rude as well but being polite about it has not worked well for me in the past so now if I get spooked by something early on I vanish.
 
Hi TexasD,

Sorry that couple disappeared on you. That's disappointing, even if you are understanding about their possible reasons. The not-knowing-why is kind of a sucky aspect.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'm just really glad that I found out early
One suggestion, though. If they reappear, be very VERY wary of them.

I know someone who was doing the online thing. Like you, she met a couple. After totally bombing her with (virtual) attention & making all sorts of pie-in-the-sky plans about her quitting her job & moving a hundred miles to live with them, forever & ever amen, they suddenly backed down to near-nothing. The few replies they made were very curt.

A month later, they were all over her again. After a little prodding, they admitted they'd "found someone better" but that didn't pan out, & she was their backup plan.

And, yes, a couple months later they did pretty much the same thing with a new Miss Right Now.

Sure, I can maybe understand it when someone flakes out. However, if they come sniffing around again, it's up to THEM to prove they deserve to be taken at all seriously.
 
I'm just really glad that I found out early, as I consider this somewhat rude. But I also need to remember that not everyone thinks this way.

I can't say I am too disappointed. They live about an hour from me so things would be challenging considering the kind of relationship I want....lunch dates, going hiking, etc.

So I'm thankful vs perplexed. I'm going to go with thankful for $200, Alex. 😂

I consider it rude as well. I was called "sexist" for saying that here a couple years ago...lol.

I still think the internet allows an anonymity that makes it easier for people to forgo common courtesy.
 
One suggestion, though. If they reappear, be very VERY wary of them.

I know someone who was doing the online thing. Like you, she met a couple. After totally bombing her with (virtual) attention & making all sorts of pie-in-the-sky plans about her quitting her job & moving a hundred miles to live with them, forever & ever amen, they suddenly backed down to near-nothing. The few replies they made were very curt.

A month later, they were all over her again. After a little prodding, they admitted they'd "found someone better" but that didn't pan out, & she was their backup plan.

And, yes, a couple months later they did pretty much the same thing with a new Miss Right Now.

Sure, I can maybe understand it when someone flakes out. However, if they come sniffing around again, it's up to THEM to prove they deserve to be taken at all seriously.

I won't give them a second chance. After trust and intimacy (platonic or romantic) have been established, I dole 2nd chances out like they are candy on Halloween. But that wasn't the case here.

My gut feeling is that they found someone more compatible/closer/whatever and that's cool. I get it.
 
I consider it rude as well. I was called "sexist" for saying that here a couple years ago...lol.

I still think the internet allows an anonymity that makes it easier for people to forgo common courtesy.

I'm not sure how that's sexist, but I don't know the details of your situation.
 
I still think the internet allows an anonymity that makes it easier for people to forgo common courtesy.

Ghosting is a byproduct of texting. Easy come, easy go. It's just the way of the dating world now. True, it used to be common courtesy to somehow convey "no thank you" when we all had to meet in person to establish a connection, but we also used to consider a kiss to be a serious promise of intention to marry. The world has changed and so have expectations around dating and establishing romantic connections. Ghosting is a fact of dating life now and it doesn't mean that more people are rude, it means that we have many more people than ever before that we can feel out/try out with ease. Issuing a formal good-bye to every person we establish any contact with is just not necessary nor expected nor even wanted anymore.

I'm also curious to hear how ghosting or defending ghosting would be considered sexist. Women probably do it 100-1, since women generally field many more interested parties than men do.
 
I consider ghosting to be disappearing (no contact) after a connection of some sort has been made, maybe plans have been set up, etc. I do consider it rude but it's also become very common. So TexasD's situation would be ghosting in how I think about it.

I've never ghosted someone. I have broken off plans to meet once I realized that I was in no shape to actually date someone or even meet a new person. I felt terrible about that and I did contact them and do the whole 'it's not you, it's me' thing. Which was actually true in this case.

I consider not responding to a message not to be ghosting. I don't respond to messages constantly. I don't consider this rude although I get how disappointing it is. (I've also messaged people and heard crickets back. It's a bummer.) I used to respond especially if the message was halfway decent, telling the person I just wasn't interested. Sometimes the response back to my not interested message was polite, or no response back at all. However, sometimes I would get back a mean response. I've been called fat, a whore, riddled with disease, and a waste of time.

I have never had a woman or non-gender conforming person do this. It has always been cis men who treated me this way. Enough men do this so that responding with a polite no is not safe for women. I don't reply with a negative response to messages anymore. It's not worth the viciousness sent my way.

I'd argue it is sexist to not realize that a polite no from a woman is still not acceptable to too many men. That's the reality that underlies the nasty messages every female presenting person with an online presence has gotten.

Perhaps women ghost because they also feel unsafe in saying no. I personally don't feel that way but I may be an outlier. If I've made plans or just a connection, I feel like I need to give that person a heads up if things change in my life. I also have never had a shitty reaction either. Everyone has been either silent or polite. Ghosting is a behavior I really don't approve of but I can see how women might feel like it is the best option in some instances.
 
I date a lot. I rarely ghost on someone after setting up an actual date after initial contact on OK Cupid (dating site).

I did ghost once after a second date that didn't go well. Not to be gross, but the guy had a 3" penis erect, and he had no other skills to make up for it! What was I supposed to say? "You were not well enough endowed to fit my anatomy, and your bedroom skills sucked besides"? He was an older man, and it seemed too late to go into how he could improve in bed. I didn't particularly like him in conversation once we met either. So I just let it go. I didn't feel great about it, but it seemed pointless to try to explain.

I do "ghost" when chatting on OKC if the guy is rude or boring or whatever. I just stop talking. Just as you would in real life if you met someone at a party or something who bored or insulted you.
 
I'm also curious to hear how ghosting or defending ghosting would be considered sexist. Women probably do it 100-1, since women generally field many more interested parties than men do.

Well...YOU were one of the ones calling me sexist...LOL...

It was claimed I felt women owed me something because I said people on the internet are rude. It wasn't specifically about ghosting. It was about common courtesy, or what used to be common courtesy, which you point out has changed. I say it changed because of the internet.
 
Well...YOU were one of the ones calling me sexist...LOL...

It was claimed I felt women owed me something because I said people on the internet are rude. It wasn't specifically about ghosting. It was about common courtesy, or what used to be common courtesy, which you point out has changed. I say it changed because of the internet.

Was that in another thread? I'd be curious to read it. I suppose that context is everything. I dunno if I've ever used the word "sexist."
 
I have ghosted and would do it again in part because you don't know who people really are or how they'll react. I've had a couple of guys push me for a direct response and then get quite ugly, accusing me of ridiculous things and I don't want to be as blunt as to point out that, no, it's not because of his race, it's because he's a self-centered a$$hole who lied about himself in his profile.

After my experience with him...yes, I'd ghost again.

And when someone does it to me, I figure they're not interested. It's fine with me.
 
Was that in another thread? I'd be curious to read it. I suppose that context is everything. I dunno if I've ever used the word "sexist."

Sorry I didn't see this until now. It was back when I started here. My archived posts only go back to 500 so I can't find the thread.

No, I don't think anyone actually used the word "sexist", but I was accused of saying things that I would consider sexist. Having come here from a bad environment, I was ready to leave. It ended up being a one time thing until recently.
 
*SIGH* ghosting

After my last breakup I have not had a date until just recently. Almost 4 years. I have been active on OCK, POF and a couple of the newer dating apps including Openminded.

What I get are guys that just want sex, and nothing else. And if I don't respond in the way they think I should I get the "Fuck off you fat, tranny bitch." I had to prove to OKC that I am a cis female.

One poly guy I was talking to on OKC for a month. We were about to exchange #'s & setup a meet for a coffee date. Then POOF, no contact. Two days later his profile is deleted.
6 months later, he pops up again, new name this time. Acting like nothing happened. Said he had to move. Fine. A week later, it happened again!

He contacted me last week, after a 2 month hiatus this time. Nope. I told him straight off. "I don't play around. If you are not free to date then stop jerking other people around."
 
What do you mean? OKC doesn't require "proof" of this. :confused:

About 6 years ago, my profile temporarily suspended cause of complaints that I was not representing myself correctly. People complained that pics (full shot of myself in a bikini) I had put up of myself showed that I was a male. I had to send a copy of my birth certificate to have the suspension lifted.
 
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