Mono in a poly relationship

truleo790

New member
So a few months ago, I have been official with someone who was also dating another girl long distance. I am trying every day to work on my insecurities of this. I even read that book "Ethical Slut". In it, they say that boundaries and rules are important, especially now that I am primary. So one rule I have is that I want him to spend time with me after his visits with her.

Well, it is a 6 hour drive and he finally left an hour ago. I told him I felt like we really wouldn't have time to spend together and I felt like I was taken granted for. Was I right to express this to him? He said sorry about it and told me why it took longer than usual. It just sucks because I feel like the minute I get over one emotional cliff, I have to climb another.
 
The time spent with you has to be on the same day?

Or before the next date with her?

I am not clear.

Galagirl
 
He has to come back to you immediately following a date with someone else? Even when she lives 6 hours away? If I'm understanding you correctly, that isn't very reasonable. To me, it is a little bit of a weird demand to make. What purpose does that strange rule serve? Can't you see already how impractical that is? Is this rule supposed to help some insecurity you have, or prove something about how much he cares? If so, it simply won't work, especially if he has a long drive to see someone else.

You want him to cut his date short because he must see you right after? :confused:

Maybe I am not understanding you completely. Just because you see yourself as "primary," doesn't mean you're allowed to control his dates with other people. Expecting to be able to do that's a bit rude. Why can't you just arrange to see him the next day or two after his long drive?

I disagree with the idea that rules are necessary in adult relationships. Personal boundaries about what you will accept, yes, rules for other people to follow (with the mistaken idea that if they follow those rules, it will make you feel better), no. If people know how to treat others with kindness and consideration, we don't need to impose rules on them to try and "make" them behave. We simply make better choices ourselves if we're treated poorly, either by leaving the relationship or making clear what our boundaries are.
 
Last edited:
The way I am reading this is that the original poster has asked the partner to 'alternate' visits with his partners. So if he has a visit with the other partner, his next visit needs to be with the original poster. What I am reading below it is that he has left to drive back *TO* the original poster (from the other long-distance partner), and it's a six-hour drive. Since the post was made at 5:51pm, that means he'll arrive late, and they won't have a heck of a lot of time to spend together before he has to leave. (Even if he sleeps over, I assume they can't stay up all night, so their time together is still restricted.)

To the original poster, it sounds like you feel like he's not really trying to keep up his end of the deal. You feel like he's only paying lip service to your agreement to alternate visits, since he probably spent more time with her than he will be spending with you when he gets there. I can see how this could make a person feel jealous, especially when you made the effort to negotiate terms with him.

Considering the distance involved, what might be better for you to do is negotiate new terms that involve how MUCH time he spends with you each week, and not how OFTEN he sees you. Ask yourself... Would you prefer a couple visits during the week of four hours each, or one visit on the weekend of a full day? Perhaps it would work better if you negotiated the amount of time spent together with each partner--to keep it 'fair'. Examine his free time, and see what you can work out. Regardless of what you feel is right for you, make sure to have a talk with him about how you feel at some point in the near future, so that this doesn't become a thorn in the side of your relationship.
 
We rather have the opposite arrangement... When I have visited my boyfriend, my husband leaves me to be for a couple of days, he knows I need to unwind and get the sorrow of leaving my boyfriend off my chest before I am ready to fully connect with him again. Also, usually when I arrive, it is late in the night and I am exhausted from travelling, so I am not much of a party animal at that place and time.

If he is alternating visits, make sure that he does it in such a way that makes the travel bearable and your time together enjoyable.

Also consider the fact that travelling in itself can get tiring (so, if he seems disinterested with visiting you after seeing her, it might be because the whole travel businiss just gets to him). Be prepared to consdier different scemes of travelling, different types of transportation and so on. Also look at what is happening in his life with work and so on. Not everything is directly about your relationship.
 
Hi truleo790,

Given how exhausting a six-hour drive is, could you alter your rule/boundary so that your partner can see you the next day instead of the same day? This way he would be refreshed and better able to give you the attention you deserve.

What were his reasons for taking longer than usual?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am trying every day to work on my insecurities of this. I even read that book "Ethical Slut".

Good for you. Any new experience, lifestyle, or skillset requires a bit of interest and research.

In it, they say that boundaries and rules are important, especially now that I am primary.

Pump the breaks! Every bit of research you encounter is going to have the fingerprints of the person writing it. That is to say, keep in mind that all books about relationships (and I mean all of them, monogamous, polyamorous, etc) will demonstrate the opinions specific to the author.

It's important to decide which lessons you embrace and which ones you don't.

Having said that, keep in mind that "primary" and other hierarchical titles are not applied to all relationships. Most poly books/articles written from the monogamous mindset will mention them, but it's important to keep an open mind as you explore.

So one rule I have is that I want him to spend time with me after his visits with her.

Including long distance relationships? Does this sound rational?

Was I right to express this to him?

There is no "one size fits all" approach to relationships, monogamous, polyamorous, or otherwise. You need to keep reading and learning, and decide for yourself what the balance is that will make you flourish.

I disagree with the idea that rules are necessary in adult relationships.

By the Hammer of Thor I hope to smooch your face off if we ever meet :)
 
Pump the breaks! Every bit of research you encounter is going to have the fingerprints of the person writing it. That is to say, keep in mind that all books about relationships (and I mean all of them, monogamous, polyamorous, etc) will demonstrate the opinions specific to the author.

It's important to decide which lessons you embrace and which ones you don't.

This, this, a THOUSAND times THIS.

It's like all those "what to expect when you're expecting" or "how to raise children" or "current diet of the decade" books. You eventually read enough books to see people simultaneously agree with and contradict each other, and you realize that even the experts aren't the experts of YOU.

Find what works, discard what doesn't. Even if it's "the one true way" (ecch).

By the Hammer of Thor I hope to smooch your face off if we ever meet :)

RUN, NYC! You're gonna look silly with no face! :eek:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OFpfTd0EIs
 
Back
Top