Buttons & Eye Sleepies (yes, really)

LizziE

New member
Even buttons can be divisive things. Did you know that? I didn't know that.

Last night, Jon, Lora, and I all went out to a bar together. It was a bit of a distance from where we live. We met there after work, and took the bus home, so that we could all drink & not worry about driving.

While on the bus, I noticed that Jon had a big piece of thread on his shirt. He was wearing one of those shirts with a little placket with three buttons on it, like a polo shirt. The top button was undone. The thread was by the second button. As I was picking the thread away, the second button came undone. I made a joke something like "woo, look at you, showing more skin". I meant to do the second button back up, but as I was fussing with it, the bus hit a bump & I stopped touching Jon's shirt to hold on to the strap with both hands.

Lora also laughed when I made the comment about Jon showing more skin. When I stopped trying to rebutton the second button to hold on, she reached out and unbuttoned the third button. When Jon went to do it back up, Lora said "That's not fair, you have to have one button unbuttoned by both of us". She seemed to be...mostly joking. It didn't turn into a fight, though she got kind of pouty when he kept the third button rebuttoned.

Am I really way too sensitive and attuned to these things? Or is it actually strange to turn something as innocent as unbuttoning a button into some kind of...competition? Joke about making sure everything is totally fair? I don't even know what to call it. But I don't understand this need to turn literally every, single, little thing into a demand for fairness. Or a comparison.

During this same bus ride, Jon noticed that I had a teeny little bit of sleepy eye gunk close to my hairline at my temple, like I'd rubbed my eyes and accidentally left a flake of it there. So he reached out to pick it off of me. When I saw his hand coming close to me face, I automatically closed my eyes and held still. We both will do things like rub away a bit of sleepy gunk or flick away a loose eyelash for each other.

This turned into a conversation Lora started about how when Jon and Lora first started dating, he'd flinch away from her every time she tried to do it to him. It apparently took something like a year for him to stop flinching, which she was teasing him about.

I'm trying to figure out how to say what I'm feeling. When the three of us are together, it seems like most conversations started by Lora either involve a comparison of the way Jon does things with me versus the way Jon does things with her, or an outright checking of the "fairness" of everything that is going on. I'm sitting here running through what it's like when the three of us are together, and the number of times that Lora immediately insists on having/being treated like/getting the exact same thing that I'm having/being treated like/getting. There are a lot of little moments of "If Jon is holding my hand, Lora has to be holding Jon's other hand" or if we're sitting "If Jon has one hand on my leg, Lora will pick up his other hand and put it on her leg".

If Jon is holding hands with Lora first, or has a hand on her leg first, it doesn't occur to me to make sure I'm doing the same. There have been times when Jon and Lora were say, holding hands on the couch, and I was sitting on the other side of him, so I hooked my leg over his leg, because I felt like touching him, but it was less a "Jon and Lora are touching, so Jon and I must be touching" motivation and more of a "I feel like touching Jon" motivation.

There have been plenty of times when they've been touching and I didn't feel like touching Jon for whatever (innocuous) reason, so we weren't and it was fine to me.

A lot of these little behaviors are part of what cause me to question if Lora is really comfortable being poly. Jon is my first poly partner that I have a serious romantic relationship with. I've had a lot of experience with loving FWB-type relationships, and my other major poly relationship was a non-romantic partnership, so I don't have a lot to go on in terms of personal experience with a metamour in a romantic equals kind of relationship.

There have been times when I've noticed that Jon has a bit of something stuck to his face (like a fuzzie in his stubble) and I've reached out to pick it out. A lot of the time, when that happens, then Lora fusses with his face for a moment. It's like...if I fuss with his face and fix something, then the world is unbalanced unless she does it too.

I just realized that part of what makes me feel uneasy about this is that to me, it implies a level of watchfulness and judgement from Lora that feels very unpleasant. It wouldn't occur to me, if/when Lora picks a fuzzy off of Jon's face, that I need to do it too. It just wouldn't even remotely be a concept that I'd be aware of. I think the only thing that I think when I see something like that happening is "Oh, there is Lora noticing that Jon had something on his face and is getting it off". Full stop. No further thought.

Is my noticing and being bothered by these kinds of things being extraordinarily sensitive or judgmental myself? When things like these things happen, I wonder if I'm reading into them too much, or blowing something out of proportion. But also, when they happen, I get this weird, churny feeling in my gut, like they're a symptom of bigger insecurities and issues on Lora's side.

What say you?
 
Ugh, that kind of oneupmanship she is doing is so annoying and immature.

Are you three in a triad or a vee? If you have a good rapport with Lora, I don't see why you can't talk to her about it. Something pretty much like what you wrote in your post, like:

"Lora, I've noticed that whenever the three of us are together, it seems like most conversations you start involve a comparison of the way Jon does things with me versus the way Jon does things with you, or an outright checking of the "fairness" of everything that is going on. You often immediately insist on having/being treated like/getting the exact same thing that I'm having/being treated like/getting. There are a lot of little moments of "If Jon is holding my hand, you also have to be holding Jon's other hand" or if we're sitting "If Jon has one hand on my leg, you will pick up his other hand and put it on your leg." It's very often little things, but they always seem so tit-for-tat.

If Jon is holding hands with you first, or has a hand on your leg first, it doesn't occur to me to make sure I'm doing the same. I'm sure you've observed many times that you and Jon were holding hands on the couch, and I was sitting on the other side of him, so I hooked my leg over his leg, because I felt like touching him, but it was never about "Jon and Lora are touching, so Jon and I must be touching" motivation - it was always simply a "I feel like touching Jon" motivation.

A lot of these little behaviors are part of what cause me to question if you are really comfortable being poly.
There have been times when I've noticed that Jon has a bit of something stuck to his face (like a fuzzie in his stubble) and I've reached out to pick it out. A lot of the time, when that happens, then you fuss with his face for a moment. It comes across as some kind of insecure rush to balance things out, like...if I fuss with his face and fix something, then the world is unbalanced unless you do it too.

Part of what makes me feel uneasy about this is that to me, it implies a level of watchfulness and judgement from you that feels very unpleasant. It wouldn't occur to me, if/when you pick a fuzzy off of Jon's face, that I need to do it too. It just wouldn't even remotely be a concept that I'd be aware of. I think the only thing that I think when I see something like that happening is "Oh, there is Lora noticing that Jon had something on his face and is getting it off". Full stop. No further thought. So, what is up with all of that? Are you feeling insecure or worried about not getting the same kind of treatment I get?"​

I mean, why not speak up? What have you got to lose? Relationships need that microscopic scrutiny sometimes, in order to make it through successfully.
 
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I agree, yuck :( Lora's behavior reminds me of the typical antics of children... if one child gets 3 oreos, the other child *needs* 3 oreos! Immature, irritating, and ultimately self-defeating.

As for whether you're being too sensitive and judgmental? Possibly... I guess it depends on how often this type of thing happens. But, given the environment that you live in (I've read your blog), I'd think most people would develop a hypersensitivity to Lora's behavior. Just my opinion, but I'd be working on my exit plan. My guess is if you lived elsewhere (somewhere safe, peaceful, and Lora-free), then her actions wouldn't bother you as much.
 
At the level you you are talking about she might not even know she is doing these things. I would certainly talk to them if its making you feel uncomfortable but I wouldn't bring it to the table as something she is doing deliberately.
 
I'm with the people who say the living arrangement needs to change and better it happen before it explodes. Someone needs to be living separately so the occasions where she is irritated and you are irritated in return are reduced as much as possible. It would work if any one of you lived somewhere else. Without the shared time you would each get less time with Jon but the time would be free of the things that are driving you crazy and, even if it does not lessen her crazy, at least you would not have to witness it.

I am curious how does Lora do with housemate issues? Does she manage to share chores etc. with any less persnickityness?
 
nycindie - it's a V, not a triad. I can't see myself ever being in a triad with Lora. It's hard enough to just be her friend when Jon is around.

Our rapport isn't great, and it feels uncomfortable to bring it up with her, because (to rosephase's point), I feel pretty certain that she's not doing it deliberately. I know it's not personal, in that it's not about me, the individual. It's about me as a human being who also takes Jon's time and attention, which means that Jon has less time and attention to give her.

A few weeks ago, I called her out because I overheard her being angry at Jon because the two of us had a five-minute conversation in the bathroom before he went to bed with her (I'm not kidding. It was that ridiculous. I wrote about it here: https://learningmanyloves.wordpress.com/2015/05/12/its-the-little-things/). She apologized, and said that she knew that it was really wrong of her, but that she just gets really insecure sometimes and says things that she shouldn't. She also said that instances like those were why she and Jon were going to start couples therapy together - so she'd gain confidence in her relationship with him then things wouldn't bother her so much (it went on from there, which I recounted in later posts. I don't want to get into the whole thing, but I did say "NO, going to therapy will not MAKE you more confident in your relationship with Jon. It can give you tools, but you have to CHOOSE to be more confident").

Therapy's only been happening a month, and I don't expect all the little ticks and signs of insecurity to have gone away by then. I'm trying to hang out and give it a few more months (at least) and see what happens before I tell Jon that I don't want to live with Lora anymore. I honestly don't expect therapy to help that much. But I promised Jon that I'd wait a bit and see, which is what I'm currently doing.

I am working on an exit plan, because I don't think that living with her is good for me, and I agree PinkPig & Leetah - if we didn't live together, it wouldn't bother me nearly as much as it does.

The exit plan is currently very sticky, because our lease isn't up until next year (which is a long-ass time to wait). Also, with my health issues, as much as Lora bothers me, I definitely don't have the energy to organize a move right now.

One of the things that I've been doing a lot the past weeks was really keep clear of Lora. I've been spending more time with my friends, and more time holed up in the bedroom when I'm home and Lora's home. I did tell Jon that her behavior grates on me a lot, and that it would be best for me to spend a minimal amount of time with her. Last night was one of those "Ok, fine, I've barely been around her lately, let's give it a try & see how it goes" explorations.

Obviously, it didn't go well on my end of things. I'm going to go back to keeping my distance.

Leetah - I'd say she's reasonably good at chores. I've lived with much worse and much better. I was doing some private journaling today about my feelings on this, and I reaffirmed to myself that in many ways, I am more comfortable with her behavior when Jon isn't around. She definitely has a more reasonable idea of what "fair" is, and is a lot more generous with things that don't involve Jon's time and attention (like sharing food, or keeping the kitty litter clean, or doing laundry). Like, she has much more of a "oh, I don't keep track, we're all working towards the same thing" attitude with everything except for Jon's time & attention.

But when it comes to his time and attention, then she behaves like her getting anything less than half of Jon's time and attention is completely unacceptable. As in, if she spent a whole day with Jon, because say, I had to work until ten at night, so he wanted to spend the next weekend day mostly with me to make up for that, she would need to be reminded that they did actually spend an entire day together earlier, and this is my "make up" time. And even when she's reminded about that, she'll say things like "Well, it still feels unfair", which I don't even know how to respond to (Jon usually says "Well, it isn't").
 
I think part of what I worry about is that I do feel that a lot of her behavior is ridiculously nit-picky and over-the-top. One of the reasons that I am actively spending less time around her is because I want her nit-picky over-the-top-ness to rub off on me as little as possible.

When I get bothered by these things, I feel like I need a reality check as to whether or not *I've* become hypersensitive, or if the "average" person would also feel bothered/under a microscope/like it's too much.

Because of my own previous mental health issues, I find it really helpful to ask people if something is "normal" sometimes. It's like...I want to strike the right balance between owning my feelings and being comfortable with my feelings and also actively working on the feelings that I think need worked on. So this is a kind of "Am I overreacting and I need to work on the *I* feel about it?" or "Is Lora overreacting and *she* needs to work on how *she* behaves?" kind of situation.

I'm aware that there are some situations where the reactions on both sides are normal/acceptable/ok, and are just a sign that the two people having them aren't compatible. I think that, in the end, Lora and I simply are not compatible for living together right now, whether or not one of us is "right" or "wrong".

But beyond that, I mean, I honestly have never spent a lot of time around someone who acts the way that she does, because when I meet someone who acts like her, what usually happens in my head is "Hmm. This is not my kind of person. I'm going to make a mental note to stay distant with them and not encourage a friendship", without making any judgements either way, since behavior that I might really dislike could be something that someone else does like. But since she's my metamour, and it is really important to Jon that we all live together, it adds a lot more pressure to try to figure out if we can get along. If I'm going to tell Jon that I CAN'T live with Lora, I want to feel like I both really tried and I'm not "giving up" for trivial reasons or lightly or because I'm being oversensitive. I don't think he would accuse me of any of those things, but knowing how strongly he feels about us living together, I feel a lot of pressure to not give up unless it REALLY isn't working for me.

Does that all make sense?
 
Hi Liz,

I'm a little biased here because I know this isn't the first time Lora has been a problem. It's possible she does the things she does just to bother you. She seems to enjoy creating a fuss.

The two main incidents this thread is about (the eye sleep and the button incident) aren't so terrible by themselves. But they're indicative of a bigger problem. From your continued description, there's a larger pattern at work here.

Not sure what to suggest. I would find her hard to live with.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Okay, wow. I just went back and read your journal. And I would say what is happening to you now is hyper vigilance. You are actively looking for ways that she annoys you and controls your shared partner. You really shouldn't be living with her. It's unfair to you both.
 
Just voicing my support here again, Liz, as I have been keeping up with your blog.

If Lora were open, receptive, willing to listen, etc., you might be able to talk with her. She is none of those things. I am doubtful any real change would come from you addressing this with her (or Jon, tbh). I also suspect that it will take some significant period of therapy (if she continues to have somewhat resistant to look inwards) for you to pick up on any changes in this department - assuming she believes it (her insecurities, I'm guessing?) is something to work on in the first place.

I do want to confirm that yes, I think it is understandable that you are irritated by these events. Each of these incidents alone might be forgettable, but it is the larger context of how insistent she is on everything being "equal and fair" for her, which isn't actually equal or fair at all, but rather her perception of it. She would drive me up a wall...

It must be exhausting to be her, constantly keeping track of Jon's time and attention to the atomic level.

I'll add a vote for you limiting what time you spend with her and Jon together. And work towards moving out.

You note that breaking the lease isn't ideal (and I know how you've mentioned how much you enjoy being close to Jon). While I think you've thought out all the "costs of leaving," have you considered what the "costs of staying" might be?

(Huuuuug if you want one)
 
nycindie - it's a V, not a triad. I can't see myself ever being in a triad with Lora. It's hard enough to just be her friend when Jon is around.

Our rapport isn't great, and it feels uncomfortable to bring it up with her, because (to rosephase's point), I feel pretty certain that she's not doing it deliberately.

To me, it doesn't matter whether it is deliberate or not (although I find it hard to say it isn't deliberate when she is, in actuality, choosing her behavior at those moments. It doesn't seem mean-spirited to me, just immature) - it affects you and she will keep doing it until it is brought to her attention. If she does it after it has been pointed out to her, then it would clearly be something she deliberately does.

I don't know why things like this can't be spoken about in relationships. You would let her know there is something stuck in her teeth, right? You would tell her if she's stepping on your foot, right? I think that, if you don't want to make a big deal about it with a sit-down convo, you could opt to bring it up at the moment it happens. In a scenario like when you wipe crumbs or something off Jon's face, and she reaches out to tidy him, too, why not just say, "Hey Lora, why do you do that? You always touch Jon in exactly the same way I do, immediately after I do it. It seems like you're trying to keep everything even and make sure you get to do every little thing with him just like I do. It's really weird and gets to me sometimes. Are you aware you're doing it?"

Really, what's the big deal in bringing it up? I've had roommates and co-workers who did little annoying things like that (like always putting their stuff on top of my pile of work while I was trying to do something with it, or always moving my coffee cup even just an inch because they knew where I liked to set it, all clearly things they did to bug me). Once it was out in the open, it stopped.
 
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Really, what's the big deal in bringing it up?

The big deal in bringing it up is the reaction that I could be dealing with. Saying something as innocuous and reasonable as what you're suggesting (which I would - without thought - do with anybody else in my life) could turn into a giant freaking-out thing on her part.

So, I feel like I might need a few days to get back on saying something further than this, because I barely got any sleep last night. I barely got any sleep last night because she and Jon had their date night last night, and they had the most insane blowout argument when they got home, which woke me up around 2:30 am, and then the adrenaline kept me up until around 5am. And then there was a gas leak problem on my block (which I learned as I was leaving for work), which meant that jackhammers started at 7am.

The argument between Jon and Lora stemmed from, as far as I can tell, that while out on their date night, Lora wanted to show Jon something (I think on her phone), and Jon said that he really wasn't in the mood to see it. Lora then said that she would be really sad and hurt if he didn't look at it. And (from what I can tell) his response of "I'm feeling kinda bored with looking at phone things now and want to dance" led to this hours-long yelling match that ended with Jon loudly saying " I'm done with this. Good night", closing the door to the bedroom that they were both supposed to sleep in, and then sleeping on the couch for most of the night (a friend of mine had come over last night and slept with me, though I'm not sure if he'd have come & slept with me if my friend wasn't there or not. my wide awake friend. who heard the whole fight.).

Among the things that were said in this fight by Jon: It felt like emotional blackmail when he expresses that he doesn't have an interest in seeing something that Lora wants him to see, and her response is "if you don't look at it, I'm going to be sad and hurt" (which, you know, I agree with). Jon wants to be able to say something like "I'll look at it later" or "Eh, I don't really want to see that" and have it not turn into a fight (which sounds incredibly reasonable to me). Jon didn't want to fight about whatever it was they were fighting about, because Lora was drunk and that was making the fight worse (I'm not so sure on that, given the way she picked it right back up this morning. I mean, it didn't seem any less angry in the morning, when Lora was (presumably) sober).

Among the things that were said by Lora in this fight: Jon ruined their date night. Jon is a fucked up person. Jon handles being a fucked up person by fucking with Lora. Jon is a terrible person and treats Lora like shit. Lora is sick of Jon's shit. Jon is abusive to Lora. At one point, there was some kind of weird "insulting of his manhood", as she said something like "Oh yes, please tell me what you, as a man, think about this" (emphasis was hers. I have no idea what the fuck that even means. as far as I could tell, the point of contention didn't have anything to do with gender). -

As I said, the fight continued into this morning. Jon and I both had to be at work at the same time today, and Lora didn't work today. But she got up to fight with Jon a bit before we left. And then called while we were commuting to yell at Jon because she sent him a text after he left and he hadn't answered it yet.

Now, Lora has never treated me the way she treats Jon. In part because I've made it pretty clear that the day that happens is the day we stop living together. But still, I admit, I'm afraid that when I call her out on shit, she WILL treat me that way, NOT because I'm afraid of her, but because I'm afraid of when the time comes that I say "That's it, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore". And honestly, I'm afraid of that because I'm afraid of being the bad guy. I'm afraid of Jon and Lora both thinking "You know, we could make this work if Liz wasn't so damn difficult". And the thing is, I KNOW that Jon wouldn't react that way. Lora, I have no idea. And honestly, don't get a rat's ass how she'd react, outside of in my head. I really have a lot of guilt about this not working because of me. Which is probably utterly ridiculous, but it's what I'm feeling.

Though, to get back to this morning, and our commute in, before Jon dropped me off, I did tell him that I honestly don't know if I can do this much longer. It's just so ridiculously fucked up. That was definitely among the worst fights that I've heard them having. One curious thing was that since therapy started, Jon is actually really pushing to set his own boundaries a lot harder, and fighting back a lot more intensely with Lora.

I don't know. This might be it for me. I'm so tired of this, and this fight says to me that absolutely nothing has gotten any better between them.
 
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Also bringing up the button thing with Lora at this point, I just realized, would be like...putting out your mailbox when your whole house is on fire and saying "whew! I saved the mailbox!".

I'm in that weird foggy empty-brain feeling that comes when one has had very little sleep. I'm not actually feeling particularly emotional myself. I just keep thinking that I don't want to live with this anymore.

Also, Jon's birthday is tomorrow. And this...just sucks.
 
Now, Lora has never treated me the way she treats Jon. In part because I've made it pretty clear that the day that happens is the day we stop living together. But still, I admit, I'm afraid that when I call her out on shit, she WILL treat me that way, NOT because I'm afraid of her, but because I'm afraid of when the time comes that I say "That's it, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore". And honestly, I'm afraid of that because I'm afraid of being the bad guy. I'm afraid of Jon and Lora both thinking "You know, we could make this work if Liz wasn't so damn difficult". And the thing is, I KNOW that Jon wouldn't react that way. Lora, I have no idea. And honestly, don't get a rat's ass how she'd react, outside of in my head. I really have a lot of guilt about this not working because of me. Which is probably utterly ridiculous, but it's what I'm feeling.

I don't know. This might be it for me. I'm so tired of this, and this fight says to me that absolutely nothing has gotten any better between them.

You know, I originally was thinking your life would be easier if you didn't call her out on things (like NYCindie suggested.) But, I wonder if that isn't just contributing to the problem? Walking on egg shells to avoid disagreements may in effect be allowing Lora to live in the delusion that she's ok and doesn't need help. Even if it didn't break her delusion, treating her like you would anyone else may help you. Yes, it would make your life more miserable in the short term, but it would likely do one of two things: either encourage her to work harder on her, or make her just as miserable living with you as you are with her.... maybe encourage her to move out, or at least bring on the inevitable conclusion quicker rather than dragging it out? I think Jon enforcing his boundaries is a great thing, even if it feels miserable. Maybe you could do the same? I'm just thinking that at the very least, you'll have less resentment which will make you feel lighter.
 
I agree with PinkPig, in retrospect. I don't think that she will immediately change after you bring these things up to her, but I do wonder if you can have some peace knowing that you're not walking on eggshells around her. You can have a voice. How she responds is on her - but I think it's noteworthy how worried you are that she might start yelling at you. How abusive is that?? :(

I will say that it is probably going to get worse before it gets better. That's how therapy works - Jon is rocking the boat by standing up for himself (yay!), but that's not how Lora is used to interacting with him. I imagine there will be a great deal of conflict for several months, perhaps more than in the past. Can you set some boundaries about them not arguing at 2am?

I know in the past, you had mentioned the possibility of her having a personality disorder. Maybe the book that was recommended a few times in another thread here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=74919), Stop Walking on Eggshells, would be useful. Haven't read it myself, but it looks interesting and might be super applicable to your situation?
 
You should really move out. You are getting more and more angry with Lora as time passes (I would to, I think most people would) and that is a very hard way to live. It's unfair to you, you never get a break from their difficult and explosive relationship. It's no good for anyone to live with someone you actively dislike. Lora probably feels that. Jon clearly feels that. You have to carry around all that dislike day to day. You pick at the details of their fights, you have to be a witness to their mess. It's clear you think about their issues and your issues with her a lot. You are putting way to much emotional energy into their mess. So I guess my question for you is, what are you getting out of this? Why are you still there?

To be honest if I had a friend in this situation and they were choosing to stay in it I would assume they are feeding off the drama in some way. That being the "good partner" is doing something for your ego. I guess I don't understand why, when this relationship is a house on fire, you are choosing to stay in the flames and point out every time she lights another match instead of getting your ass out of the burning down house.
 
If I were "feeding" off of the drama, then I don't think I'd have been doing things like going out with friends more, staying in the bedroom more, disengaging from Lora while I try to wait and see if therapy helps. The events that caused this post were a result of me dipping my toes back into spending time with Jon and Lora and seeing if things were better when the three of us are together. They weren't. So I was going to go back to minimizing my time with her again, and then check back in, in a month or so, to see if it was better.

I'm still trying because I don't want to stop living with Jon full-time.

I love living with him full-time, and I worry about leaving him behind in that mess, even as I know that it's absolutely his choice to stay in it.

The main reason that I was staying was because Jon was really determined to make it work, with the three of us living together, and with him and Lora. A few months ago, he said again that he didn't feel like he'd tried everything yet or "pulled out all the stops" before giving up on their relationship. Now mind you, I wasn't actually asking about them breaking up when he said that. I was talking about how I didn't think I could live with them anymore, because of the fighting, and the way it feels like there's always some subtle competition going on between Lora and me. And he asked me to please try and see how it goes, once he and Lora start therapy, before giving up on us all living together.

So that's what I've been trying to do.

But given last night's fight, which was (I think) the worst fight I've heard them have, I don't see any signs of any positive change. Lora said a lot of incredibly shitty things to him.

And as I sit here, with the things she said circling around in my head, I'm slowly coming to realize that I really can't live like this anymore. Because I realized, in terms of saying something to Lora, that I do need to say something to Lora sometime in the next few days, which is that I can't talk to her now. I can't be her friend. When I look at her, I see the things that she's said to Jon and the only thing in my head is that I simply cannot stand the way she treats him.

We're supposed to go out tonight with friends to celebrate Jon's birthday. I'd actually asked him if we could celebrate today instead of tomorrow, because Lora works tomorrow, and she's often really wiped out after work, so I thought it'd be better to go out on her day off, so she wouldn't be coming and trying to be social after a long day of work. Now she's currently saying that *maybe* she won't come, because her stomach is upset. She has stomach issues, so that could certainly be true. It could also be true that her stomach issues are a result of her fighting with Jon.

But her stomach issues aren't the point. The point is that I think I finally reached the "I'm done" place. I think I'm really, completely, utterly done. And it's the day before Jon's birthday, and we're supposed to go out to celebrate that tonight, and I'm not really sure when I should tell him that.

I really don't think that I can try anymore. It feels like I'm trying and Jon's trying, but the one person who really needs to do the trying either isn't, or what she's trying really isn't good enough. I don't know. I don't care anymore.

The thing I care about right now is telling someone who I love with all my heart that I can't live with his other love anymore, and how and when to do that if tomorrow is his birthday.
 
I'm still trying because I don't want to stop living with Jon full-time.

I love living with him full-time, and I worry about leaving him behind in that mess, even as I know that it's absolutely his choice to stay in it.

....

But her stomach issues aren't the point. The point is that I think I finally reached the "I'm done" place. I think I'm really, completely, utterly done. And it's the day before Jon's birthday, and we're supposed to go out to celebrate that tonight, and I'm not really sure when I should tell him that.

I really don't think that I can try anymore. It feels like I'm trying and Jon's trying, but the one person who really needs to do the trying either isn't, or what she's trying really isn't good enough. I don't know. I don't care anymore.

The thing I care about right now is telling someone who I love with all my heart that I can't live with his other love anymore, and how and when to do that if tomorrow is his birthday.

My ex-wife, Beaker, and I broke up twice. Both times she told me it wasn't working a week before my birthday. The timing sucked horribly. The whole thing sucked horribly. But sometimes the truth is more important than having a fake happy birthday. You're not breaking up but telling him you can't live with him in this situation. You're reached the point of not caring. That's a critical point. He needs to know that sooner rather than later, even if it's his birthday. You've given this enough time.

Best of luck in a tough situation.
 
Sounds like things are coming to a head. My thoughts are with you as you have the difficult conversations that lie ahead.
 
I've been quietly following your story and this hasn't failed due to a lack of trying on your part. I think the best course for you is to find your own place as near to Jon as possible, and just make yourself a home. A home being a place to relax, a place you can take pride in, a place you can invite friends over to spend time in without getting woken up at 2am by a screaming match. Jon can come and stay over with you some nights. I'm sure it would actually do him good to get away from her now and then. It might even be better for her too - because she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, and that they affect people other than her. If she ends up seeing less of Jon as a result, then it's a harsh but fair life lesson, in my humble e-pinion.
 
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