Hi. I think I might be Poly. Really need opinions.

lizardqueen

New member
Hi I'm new to the whole idea of poly, but I think this might be how I was always hard wired which has caused me much turmoil over the years. Need opinions from people knowledgable in this. I'm about to be 30 years old. I've tried mongamy many times. I've always been hyper sexual but could not relate to other women who seem to be promiscuous because of a devalued self worth or insecurity. I've always been very secure with myself and have high self esteem. I can't relate to the insecurities girls obsess about. I have felt slight tinges of jealousy maybe as a teen but not much jealousy or possesiveness here at all. I'm definitely an empath and love making deeper connections with people. I'm not shallow at all. I feel if someone I have a connection with is expercing a connection with someone else in anyway whether it be emotional or physical it doesn't bother me because I care and love others so much I want to see them fulfilled and happy. I believe every connection is different and mine I have with them is special and unique so I have nothing to be jealous of. I wish to have connections with multiple people. It seems silly to be satisfied by only one. We have multiple friends to satisfy different aspects of our personalities. I'm in a mongamous relationship and I have self control and am very loyal, but I constantly desire relations with others to the point I go into deep depressions, but I love my boyfriend so much I cannot hurt him. He knows all this but cannot relate. He's accepting but is truly mongamous and for me to experience relationships with others we'd have to break up. I'm wondering if I am a polyamous person? I'm extremely conflicted about what to do. My relationship is amazing except intense building sexual frustration.
 
Hi lizardqueen, I'm afraid I'm not going to be great for giving advice as I am new to this concept too. For a long time I have wanted meaningful connections with several people at a time and felt 'bad' about it so tried my best to ignore it (well it destroyed my last relationship).

I guess it's just a case of figuring out whether you can stay in your current relationship and stay mono because that's what your boyfriend wants (therefore rejecting the idea of poly) OR embracing how you feel even if that means losing someone you love.

It's tricky but I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I'm there.
 
Greetings lizardqueen,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I take it your boyfriend wouldn't want a poly/mono relationship (you're polyamorous, he's monogamous)? That type of relationship does exist and can be done successfully although obviously it presents some challenges.

If he's not willing to do that, then I guess you're right, you'll have to choose between polyamory and your boyfriend. :( Not fun. For what it's worth, you sound more polyamorous than monogamous to me. But if you have a little monogamy in you then maybe you can adapt to the life your boyfriend wants the two of you to live.

I hope this site can prove helpful for you. Let us know of further thoughts, questions, or concerns and we'll try to address those.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Hi I'm new to the whole idea of poly, but I think this might be how I was always hard wired which has caused me much turmoil over the years. Need opinions from people knowledgable in this. I'm about to be 30 years old. I've tried mongamy many times. I've always been hyper sexual but could not relate to other women who seem to be promiscuous because of a devalued self worth or insecurity. I've always been very secure with myself and have high self esteem. I can't relate to the insecurities girls obsess about. I have felt slight tinges of jealousy maybe as a teen but not much jealousy or possesiveness here at all. I'm definitely an empath and love making deeper connections with people. I'm not shallow at all. I feel if someone I have a connection with is expercing a connection with someone else in anyway whether it be emotional or physical it doesn't bother me because I care and love others so much I want to see them fulfilled and happy. I believe every connection is different and mine I have with them is special and unique so I have nothing to be jealous of. I wish to have connections with multiple people. It seems silly to be satisfied by only one. We have multiple friends to satisfy different aspects of our personalities. I'm in a mongamous relationship and I have self control and am very loyal, but I constantly desire relations with others to the point I go into deep depressions, but I love my boyfriend so much I cannot hurt him. He knows all this but cannot relate. He's accepting but is truly mongamous and for me to experience relationships with others we'd have to break up. I'm wondering if I am a polyamous person? I'm extremely conflicted about what to do. My relationship is amazing except intense building sexual frustration.

I have a friend across the pond that is very much how you've described yourself. She doesn't necessarily consider herself Poly (though I would), but she's very comfortable with herself, her hyper-sexuality, her self-worth yet doesn't connect well with women who appear or are promiscuous. She's in a long-term, committed relationship, but has other relationships on various levels, outside of it. Her girlfriend isn't opposed, but seems to be more of a mono. They're quite happy, so a Mono/Poly relationship can work.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice. I'm not a total noob to Poly, but I'm new here. I think in many ways though, you're always a "noob" to an extent. I've also discovered over the years that only you can truly determine whether or not you are something. Only you can determine if you are Poly, monogamous, straight, Bi, gay, etc. Just like whether or not you like sushi is completely 100% up to you. Good luck.
 
I am the same way. I buried my poly tendencies for 20 years with my ex h. He always knew though, no matter how I tried to hide or downplay it to "protect his feelings."

And so it was the 800 lb gorilla in the room always.

Finally we dabbled in polyamory once he got the idea that since I am bi, we could do threesomes. That was a disaster. He didn't want me to date men. And I was really too busy with my teenaged kids still at home, coming and going, to practice poly. At least I was able to openly talk about my crushes at that point.

But we never resolved this issue fully. It wasn't the only reason we divorced, but was one of them.

Almost as soon as we separated I met a wonderful adorable woman and we have been together, and poly with no jealousy, ever since! I am finally fully alive.
 
I'm wondering if I am a polyamous person? I'm extremely conflicted about what to do. My relationship is amazing except intense building sexual frustration.

Only you can answer that question.

Your description about going into deep depressions from denying your nature is troubling. You can't make yourself so miserable just to save him from pain. If he really can't accept you being poly, and you're going into depressions from denying it, I think there's only one healthy solution.

One consideration... polyamory is not about sex. So if you're feeling sexual frustration, polyamory isn't the conclusion I would immediately jump to, myself. It could be a moot point if your boyfriend is so monogamous that either sex or love outside your relationship is a no-go... but it's worth thinking about for your own sake. Most likely we're only getting part of the story, and the hypersexuality is what you're focused on but not your whole issue.
 
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