Sex is officially not a thing in the whatever-I-have with S2 right now. I asked him point blank the other night, and pointed out that he's waffled about it and avoided the question, but that I needed a straight answer because I felt crappier about myself every time I asked. I told him I kept asking because I needed to know (I think it's only fair that I know whether someone who's been a sexual partner is going to continue being one or not), but that I couldn't deal with continuing to have to ask.
He said that *right now*, he would rather keep sex out of it. He said that *right now*, this isn't a relationship (which we'd already determined). But he also said that nothing is completely or permanently off the table, and that he wants to keep all doors open between us. He needs the emotional space to deal with his divorce and stuff, but he needs my emotional support as well, he values me too much to completely withdraw from me knowing that he supports me at times, and at the moment, as far as he's concerned, we will "re-upgrade" once he's gotten through what he needs to get through.
Oddly, despite all of this, I actually feel *more* loved, cared for, and valued by him than I did when we were calling it a relationship. We started off as occasional friends with benefits, transitioned into a committed relationship... and now we're platonic friends. And from what I'm seeing, that's actually good, because now our connection is developing more organically than before, and we're both realizing how important the other is to us.
We're still going camping, though our first trip is going to be camping/kayaking at a "mainstream" place. He said he wants to take me camping at the nudist resort in August instead. Based on his experience with outdoorsy stuff, he said it made more sense to do the kayaking first, before the weather gets insanely warm to the point where I can't tolerate being outside for long (breathing problems, plus high heat/humidity makes my fibromyalgia worse), and do the nudist thing when it's warm enough to want to be outside nude but there are air conditioned buildings to hang out in if it's too hot or humid.
The dick pic thing... He changed his AFF profile to say that he's taking a break, and he eliminated the sentence that said he's been in a polyamorous relationship for nearly a year. But he left his relationship status as "attached" and told me he has no intention of changing that. And he took down the dick pic.
When I asked him about that, he said, "You made some good points about the impression I might give people by having it there, but mostly I took it down because you seemed so upset about it." I asked him why my opinion mattered if we aren't in a relationship anymore; he kind of sputtered for a few seconds, then said, "It just does, dammit, so deal with it!" LOL
Meanwhile, last weekend I hit a very dark, low point. I'm okay now, mostly thanks to S2; he didn't realize it at the time (though I told him a few days later), but he literally saved my life that day.
On the heels of that, I confronted Hubby about some issues I've been trying to pretend aren't there, like the fact that he's been essentially checked out of the marriage and family since last fall. He tried to deflect some of the responsibility for his behavior, but for the most part he owned it, and he owned the contributions his behavior has made to negatively impacting my mental health, my physical health, and his relationships with me, Alt, and Country. He made promises again about how he's going to try to make things better... and I pretty much told him that I'm going to have to *see* it, not hear it, and that while I'm not done with him *yet*, whether that's still true next year after Country leaves for college is going to depend largely on whether he actually follows through on working with me to keep this marriage healthy.
As I noted in my other thread, I'm not currently having sex with Hubby either, because right now I don't feel any emotional or sexual attraction to him due to how bad things had gotten between us. If I were to have sex with him at this point, it would only be because I haven't had sex in a few weeks and he's the one who's available to me, and that wouldn't be fair to either of us. I told him that as well, and he told me to take my time because he only wants me to have sex with him if I genuinely *want* it. So we'll see.
He said that *right now*, he would rather keep sex out of it. He said that *right now*, this isn't a relationship (which we'd already determined). But he also said that nothing is completely or permanently off the table, and that he wants to keep all doors open between us. He needs the emotional space to deal with his divorce and stuff, but he needs my emotional support as well, he values me too much to completely withdraw from me knowing that he supports me at times, and at the moment, as far as he's concerned, we will "re-upgrade" once he's gotten through what he needs to get through.
Oddly, despite all of this, I actually feel *more* loved, cared for, and valued by him than I did when we were calling it a relationship. We started off as occasional friends with benefits, transitioned into a committed relationship... and now we're platonic friends. And from what I'm seeing, that's actually good, because now our connection is developing more organically than before, and we're both realizing how important the other is to us.
We're still going camping, though our first trip is going to be camping/kayaking at a "mainstream" place. He said he wants to take me camping at the nudist resort in August instead. Based on his experience with outdoorsy stuff, he said it made more sense to do the kayaking first, before the weather gets insanely warm to the point where I can't tolerate being outside for long (breathing problems, plus high heat/humidity makes my fibromyalgia worse), and do the nudist thing when it's warm enough to want to be outside nude but there are air conditioned buildings to hang out in if it's too hot or humid.
The dick pic thing... He changed his AFF profile to say that he's taking a break, and he eliminated the sentence that said he's been in a polyamorous relationship for nearly a year. But he left his relationship status as "attached" and told me he has no intention of changing that. And he took down the dick pic.
When I asked him about that, he said, "You made some good points about the impression I might give people by having it there, but mostly I took it down because you seemed so upset about it." I asked him why my opinion mattered if we aren't in a relationship anymore; he kind of sputtered for a few seconds, then said, "It just does, dammit, so deal with it!" LOL
Meanwhile, last weekend I hit a very dark, low point. I'm okay now, mostly thanks to S2; he didn't realize it at the time (though I told him a few days later), but he literally saved my life that day.
On the heels of that, I confronted Hubby about some issues I've been trying to pretend aren't there, like the fact that he's been essentially checked out of the marriage and family since last fall. He tried to deflect some of the responsibility for his behavior, but for the most part he owned it, and he owned the contributions his behavior has made to negatively impacting my mental health, my physical health, and his relationships with me, Alt, and Country. He made promises again about how he's going to try to make things better... and I pretty much told him that I'm going to have to *see* it, not hear it, and that while I'm not done with him *yet*, whether that's still true next year after Country leaves for college is going to depend largely on whether he actually follows through on working with me to keep this marriage healthy.
As I noted in my other thread, I'm not currently having sex with Hubby either, because right now I don't feel any emotional or sexual attraction to him due to how bad things had gotten between us. If I were to have sex with him at this point, it would only be because I haven't had sex in a few weeks and he's the one who's available to me, and that wouldn't be fair to either of us. I told him that as well, and he told me to take my time because he only wants me to have sex with him if I genuinely *want* it. So we'll see.
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