Walking and Falling

hyperskeptic

New member
I'm starting a new thread here, as it seems there may soon be some new developments in my life.

The title comes from Laurie Anderson, Big Science (1982):

You're walking.
And you don't always realize it, but you're always falling.
With each step you fall forward slightly.
And then catch yourself from falling.
Over and over, you're falling.
And then catching yourself from falling.
And this is how you can be walking and falling at the same time.

(You can listen to the number - not so much a song, really - here: https://youtu.be/02BIaMBfUc8 )

I keep thinking of this because I sort of maybe am starting to fall for someone, and catching myself from falling.

Over and over.

(I also keep thinking of the old joke about the man falling from the top of the Empire State Building who, as he passed the 60th floor, was heard to say: "Well! So far, so good!")

More anon.
 
hyperskeptic;298295 The title comes from Laurie Anderson said:
Big Science[/I] (1982):

(You can listen to the number - not so much a song, really - here: https://youtu.be/02BIaMBfUc8 )
.

That quote about walking and falling applies not only to waking, but also to dance, which is often little more than a kind of dialectic of dancing and falling.

It is often said that all of life resembles dance.
 
So, I just spent the afternoon with the person of interest to whom I alluded in my last post, she for whom I am sort of maybe falling a little bit, sort of, and catching myself, and so on.

We got together for a couple of hours at her place to play some tunes, drink tea, and talk about music and work and neighborhoods and other matters.

Thinking about it on the way home, I reached a moment of clarity about the afternoon, my nascent friendship with her, and what it all says about my own development over the past few years.

I don't think it's accurate to say I'm falling for her, in the usual sense of that phrase. I'm not head over heels, or in a mad passion, or anything like that, though I do catch myself imagining what it might be like if she and I were, at some point on down the road, to become more intimate.

Instead, I think I just like her a whole lot, and I find it very easy to be with her and talk to her and enjoy our common interests in work and music and life.

Our afternoon of talking and playing music was exactly what it should have been, an opening session of what promises to be a very fine friendship, or at least a happy long-term acquaintanceship.

It's all so blissfully uncomplicated and, while I might be quite happy for my relationship with her to develop in one particular direction or another, I feel no internal pressure to push it in any particular direction.

If I do catch myself dwelling on happy imaginings of some future state, I have a sense of just how seriously I should take those imaginings.

I'll just remain open to her, see what opportunities there are for us to spend time together, and see what happens from there.
 
That quote about walking and falling applies not only to waking, but also to dance, which is often little more than a kind of dialectic of dancing and falling.

It is often said that all of life resembles dance.

The main difference between walking and dancing is this: when you're walking, you're falling forward slightly; when you're dancing, you're throwing yourself forward without reservation.

Oh, to live like that!
 
. . . aaaaand sometimes you don't catch yourself.

This is one of those times, when it seems as though agreeing to polyamory was a sick joke at my own expense.

Far from opening me up to the world, it has left me feeling more hopelessly alone than I have felt since I was a nerdling reject in high school.

Or worse than that. At least when I was in high school I was young and could hope for a better future ahead of me.
 
I am sorry to read that your cautious hope has turned to despair. Feeling hopelessly alone is a terrible feeling. I hope something will change for the better for you soon.

Leetah
 
Far from opening me up to the world, it has left me feeling more hopelessly alone than I have felt since I was a nerdling reject in high school.

Or worse than that. At least when I was in high school I was young and could hope for a better future ahead of me.

I understand. I wish I could say something comforting, but I suppose I can say I understand where you are coming from. I think so far most of what I've learned from polyamory is that the rules we learned in high school (or, for those of us who didn't start dating then, later) just don't seem to apply any more.

Anton Chekhov wrote, "If you're afraid of loneliness, don't marry." I wonder what he, better writer than I could dream of being, would have felt about loneliness and polyamory. I hope that you can find hope, hyperskeptic.
 
. . . there I was, settling all too comfortably into my deep blue funk, when I did direct my browser to a certain blog I read from time to time, where I found this:

http://the-toast.net/2016/03/02/why-are-you-lonely-a-text-game/

I spent the next few minutes nearly doubled over in agony and helpless, gleeful laughter at my own expense.

It was just one hit after another:

ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM

Yep.

CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING

Okay, not a direct hit . . . but close.

STILL JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU INSTEAD OF EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES ALOUD

Okay, yeah. That one, too.

BELIEVE “PERIODICALLY EXPERIENCING THE HUMAN CONDITION” MEANS SOMETHING IS FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN WITHIN YOU

Oh, yeah. Especially this one. Especially this week. Almost word for word.

TRY COCONUT OIL

Ye . . . wait. What?
 
LOLS! Well many of my friends swear by coconut oil for all sorts of things, so, hey, try it! One never knows!

And, yeah, that was a bit painful to read. Stupid internet articles being insightful and stuff...

Sometimes all one can do is laugh at one's own idiocy and keep going. (Dori's 'Just keep swimming!' is rather deep advice that way.)
 
CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING

This is the most *me* thing I've ever read :eek: I think I'm just going to have it printed on a t-shirt and wear it every day, so I can stop pretending to be easy-going and then wondering why no one understands me ;)

I hope things are looking up a little, hyperskeptic :)
 
Less-than-monogamy

I've never much cared for the term, polyamory. I'm on record somewhere on this forum saying as much. But how should I describe myself?

I've tended to think of myself as responsibly non-monogamous, but it occurred to me today that the term involves a rather unhappy ambiguity.

(Disclaimer: As too often happens, I'm posting here when I'm going through something of a bad spell, mostly just to vent. Please feel free to ignore all this. Soon enough I'll resume my usual lurking.)

It's become something of an annual thing that I find myself alone at home for several weeks in the summer while my wife and kids travel. I adjust pretty quickly. I suppose that being alone has always been my default condition, from childhood on.

Most of the time it's okay.

Certainly it can be easier, in some ways, than when my wife travels to pursue her avocation or to spend time with the guy she's involved with in another part of the country.

Other times, though, it doesn't seem okay at all.

When we first agreed to non-monogamy, I think I imagined it would be something like more-than-monogamy - something better and richer and fuller for both of us, really for all involved.

It hasn't turned out like that at all, though.

I've read a lot about poly-mono relationships, and used to think my relationship with my wife was tending that way: she's poly in principle and in practice; I'm non-monogamous in principle but monogamous in practice.

Rather than something more-than-monogamy, it's starting to seem more like less-than-monogamy, at least for me.

I'm a part-time single dad - and, for much of this summer, a part-time bachelor - with a full-time job, a lot of responsibilities at home, a couple of interesting hobbies, and not much else.

I actually think I may be hemigamous.

Is that a thing? Hemigamy?
 
Could be a thing. If you get to the point where you are hemidemisemigamous you might want to pause and consider things.

If there is one thing I have learned so far about different relationship forms is that they can all be fulfilling or not depending on the individuals involved and what is happening in their lives.

Leetah
 
I started a new account on OKC.

Why?

Because it's almost autumn, and I've grown wistful for the sound of crickets chirping.

(I'm about 72.6% joking, there. I've been doing pretty well, these days, getting daughters ready to start a new school year, preparing for a new school year of my own, organizing the workroom in the basement, and a few other things.)

(Still trying to figure out what to do about The Case of the Absentee Spouse. Or is it The Curious Incident of the Part-Time Bachelor?)
 
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Done

I'm just about done here.

The party line among people who identify with
or subscribe to
or have drunk the Kool Aid of polyamory
is that love adds,
love multiplies, and
if you open yourself to loving many,
you will live a life of abundance.

I call bullshit.

Given the limits of human time and attention and money,
given the constraints of culture
and the habits of attraction and relationship and family it promulgates,
given the realities of particular lives in particular households,
love subtracts,
love divides, and
if you open yourself to loving many,
you will be left with chronic pain and a handful of ashes.
 
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I find myself mostly agreeing.
 
There are high-falutin' fantasies about monogamy, too. Unfortunately, no matter what relationship structure one has in their life, the challenge is usually about seeing clearly what is, accepting reality, and the fact that no one is perfect.

It sounds like some things happened that have you upset and/or disallusioned. If that is the case, I hope you find peace, hope, and healing, and won't be a stranger here. I always miss your presence whenever you haven't posted in a while.
 
Thanks for the kind thought, Indie.

It's not one thing, or at least not one big thing.

You can pick your metaphor: It's the 1000th cut. The final straw.

Or maybe the water is boiling, and I only now see how thoroughly I'm cooked.
 
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I think I've figured out that my wife is drawn to poly because it lets her have all the advantages of leaving me without losing her health insurance.
 
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