Singles night imminent, need advice!

Kittendumpling

New member
I'm going to a local singles night in a couple of weeks, and I would like some advice on how to, well, deal with it, as a poly person. I've never done this before, and I'm worried about scaring people off, but also feeling like it's an important part of me that a potential partner ought to know about pretty quickly. But do I just not mention it unless I get an actual date, or do I make it clear from the outset? Please help!
 
I'd be interested to know how other people handle this. I was pretty straightforward from the start with my partners. I know Lovey had a hard time and tried doing it both ways. If he told women he was poly in advance they ran away fast. Some women considered it when he told them after a couple of dates and they got to know him but others were really offended. Kitty was an exgirlfriend of his from ten years prior and already knew about me from facebook. So when they got together again nothing was a surprise.
 
Wow, I never thought of singles nights! That is a hard call, and I am really interested to read thoughts on it (and, if you don't mind sharing, how it goes for you!).
 
I'll gladly share my results when the time comes, but in the intervening time, I need to figure out how forthright to be. I definitely wouldn't leave it any longer than a second date, but I'm still concerned that going into it on the night, when I'm just meeting people, might be too much.
 
I wondered if it's a date night that is in any way aimed at a crowd that might be aware of or open to the notion of non-monogamy?

If so, it probably won't be a massive deal to bring it up.

If not, it might prove difficult to talk about depending on set up. Introducing the concept of non-monogamy to somebody who is only aware of monogamy as an option is not a 5 minute conversation.

That said, I would mention any obviously weird or off putting things about myself up front, as part of getting to know a new person and certainly before engaging in anything like dates involving romance or sex.

I do it as a filtering process. I don't want to be heavily involved with people who aren't going to be okay with the off putting things about myself. I have no interest in changing those things about myself and less interest in trying to limit somebody else's happiness by having them try to deal with those things just because they are in a relationship with me.

So - if it was me, I probably would mention being non-monogamous during a singles night with the intention of weeding out people who weren't open to that idea. I would just go along with the expectation that I would meet nobody suitable and that I was going for the experience of going.

IP
 
Hmmm. I would definitely mention it. When I met PunkRock and he messaged me for the first time, I told him I was sure he wasn't aware, but that I was married and in an open relationship, but searching for something long term and loving. He was shocked, and he asked a couple of questions, and then we dropped that section of the conversation. I told him I thought he was pretty cool and that I would love to get to know him better, so if he thought about things and wanted more information, to just let me know. He messaged me a few days later, asking for details.

So, I think if you have a good connection, drop your non-monogamous status into the conversation and see where it goes. I would try to not have it take over the entire time allotted though, as that would kinda suck, I think. :) It very well may be a deal breaker with a lot of guys, but well, they were never a match for you anyway then.
 
It's not aimed at non-monogamous people. It's a general public (though ticket only) event. It's at a place where I'm friendly with the owner, and it's oneof my favourite haunts in the city, so there's a good chance of meeting someone I like, based on shared interests.
 
I guess for short term advice and what I've always done with coming out as poly is to play it by ear and judge the person's reactions. If it seems like you have a lot in common with the person and their is some interest in moving forward then bridge the subject. I wouldn't just announce it to everyone. The word poly can scare people away when they don't know what it was.
 
Hi Kittendumpling,

Re (from OP):
"I'm worried about scaring people off, but also feeling like it's an important part of me that a potential partner ought to know about pretty quickly."

The words "potential partner" are what stood out for me here. I think if you're talking to someone and thinking, "Oh, I'm just talking to them; I don't think anything will come of it," then it's probably not necessary to mention polyamory. But if you're talking to someone and thinking, "Wow, we're really hitting it off; I think there's a chance this person could be a partner for me, in due time," then that's the time when you should mention polyamory.

Although, I probably wouldn't even use the word "polyamory" per se; it's too obscure outside poly groups and forums. "Ethical nonmonogamy" would probably make more sense to the other person.

Unless you wanted to take advantage of our word's unknown status! You could say, "I should tell you that I'm polyamorous. Would that be a problem?" Then they could say, "What's 'polyamorous?'" and you'd have an opportunity to converse on the subject.

I don't know, I guess you could play it by ear and go either way. But I might not necessarily say, "Oh yes, you must tell everyone right away." I think it's okay to feel out the situation and see if you think it's going anywhere.
 
How is this "singles night" set up? There are so many ways to do it, and I would need more details about it before I can offer advice. Speed dating events can be fun, because they're usually smartly organized to get people to meet and talk to each other, but I've found that when it is just one big club open for singles to drink and dance, without any planned "ice breakers" or other activities, it just feels like a meat market. In those kinds of events, I never meet anyone worth my time or effort, unfortunately.
 
I'm still awaiting details on the format. The owner says she should have more confirmed details later this week. The date it is happening is the 28th of Feb, so there will be plenty of time to find out. It's a small, cosy cafe, and it's a ticketed event, so I don't think it's going to be a 'meat market' situation, thankfully.

Can any of you recommend a short, non-scary way to describe poly to a person who has never heard of it (or thinks that it just means cheating)?
 
Assuming you feel a connection with someone and think you might want to arrange a date, etc. could you say something like "I am a bit of a non-traditionalist when it comes to relationships, and believe a person can form loving, honest, caring relationships with more than one person at a time. It's called ethical non-monogamy, and requires a lot of communication and openness, but is so worth the effort. Have you heard of it?"

Okay, so maybe not those exact words, since I am not the most eloquent of people, but something in that vein?
 
Those exact words sound pretty good to me!
 
Thanks, KDT. Not sure if it's the best way, of course. I'd love to hear how others would handle this. Maybe we need poly calling cards you can hand out at to people with a short, succinct explanation? :)
 
The two hitches I run into are:

  • An accurate, complete definition is a wordy definition.
  • I can be accurate and complete with a definition but I don't know how to make said definition socially friendly.
I'm thinking the best definition to tell people at a singles night would sound more like a casual, comfy note than it would an accurate definition.

"Polyamory is when you have more than one romantic partner, but you don't keep any secrets." That's as close as I can think of for a social gathering.
 
I'm not sure I'd mention it at all on the night. I think it's a conversation I'd save for if there is a follow up date with any of them, if you sense a good vibe. The point of the singles night is to mingle and chat - no one expects to get a full life-history or compatibility check on the night. Nor does anyone expect exclusivity at that stage either. You are all a bunch of people looking to explore the possibilities; my experiences with online dating tell me that even fiercely monogamous people expect to and are happy to date in parallel in the beginning. So I'd say not to over think it at this point. They are already going to expect you to be dating others concurrently, and if things go well between you, then they might also bring up the 'do you want to be exclusive' chat, which is your cue to explain why not. :) Just relax and enjoy the night.
 
Yes, 99% of mono people date poly-style in the beginning anyway, so there is no need to pressure yourself into notifying all comers that you're dating multiple people. Everyone is in this position if they are at a singles night.

The vast majority of poly people were mono or grew up in a mono-centric world, so just because someone has never heard of or considered poly doesn't mean he won't or can't. There are a lot of open minded people who have been mono just because they haven't met you yet. It's perfectly possible that you'll meet people whose worlds will expand for having gotten to know you, who will think that poly is a very attractive quality, even though they've never considered the concept before.
 
I would just say, "Are you looking for exclusivity? Because I'm not."

I really like that. Short, simple, too the point, no need to explain anything further unless they ask what your version of non-exclusive dating looks like.
 
NYcindie,

I like it, as well! Great way to put it. Succinct, but not combative or defensive.
 
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