Dealing with fear of sexual inadequacy

BillNIndy

Member
Ok, so I will keep this as PG rated as possible, but here is the situation...

My girlfriend (Jill) and I had an... encounter with another of her partners (Mark). During the encounter, I experienced some issues/fears about sexual inadequacy from seeing Mark and Jill together. I'm very confident in my ability as a whole and I don't FEEL inadequate, but I found myself thinking things like:
  • Wow, she doesn't move like that with me
  • Man, she seems louder than she is with me
  • Why don't we ever do that...
All of which was rooted to a fear of not being a sufficient lover to Jill. It lead to some performance issues with me. Little did I know at the time, Mark had the same issues and concerns when it came to seeing me with Jill.

I guess my question is how do you manage these types of feelings when they have come up in your own life? Or how would you think you would handle these things?

Thanks for any input.
 
Well I've never done a threesome and it's doubtful I will in the future, so I don't know how to handle watching someone else have sex and comparing myself with them. I've certainly had psychological bugbears that made it difficult or impossible for me to perform.

Frankly, I ended up relying on stuff like Viagra and Yohimbe. I've needed to do so off and on from 2006 on and still infrequently pop a Cialis these days if I'm worried about performance for some reason.

From your description, it sounds like you and Mark are both suffering from worries about being inadequate lovers, which leads you to automatically see each other as superior in bed and can become a vicious circle. Recognizing this is probably your first step toward a solution.

Counseling (sex counseling I suppose) might be helpful, and I am wondering if you might want to take a break from the threesome situations. Sex with just two people in the room can be complicated enough.

Just my impressions.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Could talk that stuff DOWN, dude. Popcorn thoughts are just that -- they pop up. And don't always make sense. I am not my thoughts or my feelings. I am the person doing the thinking and experiencing the feelings. I'd talk it down to reality. Like...

Wow, she doesn't move like that with me

Well... if one lover is 6 ft tall and the other is 2 ft tall, stands to reason she'd move in different ways with them right? Same here. Even if you guys are the same height/build.... you are NOT the other guy. (Her + Him) =/= (Her + You). Just like every person has their own handwriting style, each person has their own lovemaking style, and each couple comes together in their own couple style. Sounds like everyone is happy to be there so... it's all good.

Man, she seems louder than she is with me

Did you whip out a meter to check decibels? And how does it matter? Even with the same lover sometimes I am loud, sometimes I am not. It isn't a measure of my pleasure. I am sure there have been times with you where she was loud and other times she was not -- maybe because of a roommate being awake or something. So long as she's not being loud because she's hurting in a bad way... it's all good. If she is making noise like "Ow?" Stop and change positions. Leg cramp or whatever happens sometimes.

Why don't we ever do that...

You never thought to ask if she wanted to do that and she didn't think of it either? Now that you think you want to do that... you can ask! ;)

Little did I know at the time, Mark had the same issues and concerns when it came to seeing me with Jill.

And now that you know this at THIS point in time... are you able to chalk it up to "Wow, new experiences for everyone all around. S'ok... we are all learning how to be together here. We did good to check in early and not let wacky thoughts fester and blow up out of proportion. "

Could congratulate selves on that.

It's normal for things to feel weird til the "new normal" settles in. If you all enjoyed a threesome? Can talk about another. If not so much? Can stop there, one learning experience to figure out preferences for group sex share or not was good enough. Polyshipping doesn't have to include group sex.

Galagirl
 
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Ask her what she thinks-be ready for the response.

To be point blank, I have to male lovers and how I move with each is VASTLY different because the way THEY move, the way THEY fit, the way we connect is VASTLY different.
I am DEFINITELY louder with one versus the other, I say different things, I think different things, I experience different things.
But neither is better-they are so completely different experiences as to be impossible to compare.

I am a different PERSON with one than the other in terms of what I like, what I do, what I want etc.

So maybe it is COMPLETELY different. But if you want to know if she wants to do something with you that you saw her do with him-just ask.
 
Ok, so I will keep this as PG rated as possible . . .
No need for that. We are all adults here and you can be as graphic as you like.

. . . I'm very confident in my ability as a whole and I don't FEEL inadequate, but I found myself thinking things like:
  • Wow, she doesn't move like that with me
Have you ever seen how she moves with you from a different angle than being up close? Maybe you have an idea of what it looks like when she's moving with you, but don't really know.

Anyway, people have differently shaped bodies, and men's penises are not all the same (obviously). Some curve in one direction or another, there is a variation in length and girth, size/thickness of the head, all those things. The way she moves with him is naturally going to be different from how she moves with anyone else, she is just making adjustments to the angles, to adapt the shape of her insides to the shape of who has entered her. There was a guy I dated whose dick was curved so much that he would constantly pop out of me if we didn't have our bodies at a certain angle - plus he was much taller and bigger than I, so the way my legs could wrap around him also played a part.

How she moves is nothing to be concerned about.

  • Man, she seems louder than she is with me
Did you ever think that perhaps she was louder not because of him but because having you there watching her with him added to the excitement? Or it could have been that the angle and pressure helped to force the voice out of her. I can't explain what I mean by that, so I hope you know what I mean. However, again, loudness isn't always an indicator of the level of excitement. I'm usually pretty loud when getting fucked, loud enough that neighbors have complained, but I can have the best orgasms in silence, too.

Again, nothing to be worried about.

  • Why don't we ever do that...
Why would you expect to do the same things with her that she does with him? You and he are two different people, and sex should not be conducted as if you are following a recipe in a cookbook. You and she do what feels good for the two of you, and use your bodies and imaginations as it happens in the moment, and so do they. Again, whatever they were doing could have been inspired by the fact that they were being watched.

But if there is something you want to try with her, see if she wants to - but don't do anything just as a way to compete and compare with him. Be present with her and let your connection with her, and your intuition and senses guide you - really, the connection is all that matters.
 
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The one time I've seen Hubby with another woman, I was upset not because he did *different* things with her... but because he did the same.

Same words. ("Feels good, huh?" "Mmm, like that?")

Same sequence of touch, fondle, etc.

Same movements.

That was all during foreplay; I was with Guy and couldn't even let him touch me because I was so upset to hear and see Hubby treating this other woman exactly the same as me. I ended up walking out and almost drove away; the only reason I didn't was because Hubby had just gotten a full-size truck and I wasn't sure yet if I could handle driving it.

Personally, I probably would have been *less* uncomfortable if Hubby had been different with her than with me.
 
Wow... A lot of different ways to look at it. After everyone's advice and opinions, it doesn't seem was threatening as it did before. I know she loves sex with me, and that is all that matters. I want her to have a good I sex life and that would obviously entail good sex with others as well.

I guess I'd be a little offended if she was with a bad lover.. Haha

Thank you all!
 
Don't forget, too, that familiarity makes for the best sex. Even if I find a guy I like who has great technique, or a penis that fits better, my husband knows me the best because we've been together for 16 years... he knows ALL the buttons!
 
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