Hi (and a quick question)

coffeewalls

New member
hi there

New to the forum & new to the life style. saying hi :)

just a quick question to make sure this is the right forum for me:

My wife (38F) and I (41M) have been together for roughly 15 years. During that time we grew closer and closer as companions but further and further apart as lovers.

We are genuinely still in love. We don't want to blow up a mostly-perfect marriage over a lack of sex. So we decided to try an open marriage first.

We made up some basic rules (no lovers either of us knows in "real life", always safe, never in our home, etc.) we felt were intuitive. However, in researching, one rules seems ... let's call it "in conflict" ... with what ive been reading about with open marriages. We've decided not to share anything about our activities with the other, keeping all aspects as clandestine as possible.

Basically I'm asking, is this still the right forum for me? Does this still constitute Polyamory or something else like "mutually assured cheating?*"


thanks in advance!
me


*You know i actually think "M.A.C."ing could be a thing if it isn't already... i'm calling it...
 
What you are describing sounds like what we have seen referred to as DADT "Don't Ask Don't Tell" - and it does work for some, but has it's own inherent difficulties.

Which doesn't mean that you don't belong here. I, personally, feel that any relationships that occur within the boundaries agreed upon can "count" as poly. But that is just MY opinion.

Where the boundaries are drawn in DADT depends on the couple. Some are ok with knowing that their S.O. (significant other) is going out with a "friend" but don't want to know the details of what happens. Others expect their partners to camouflage what they are doing with "white lies" such as "working late" or "going out with the girls".

Before you embark on this you need to consider some of the possible conflicts that arise. Is there an unconscious assumption that other partners are merely FWB ("Friends With Benefits") with no real romantic involvement allowed? That any relationship will be ended if it is somehow "threatening" to the original relationship?

My concern is that if feelings do arise and the person in an "outside" relationship can't share their conflicts - then it might drive a wedge in the "original relationship". How can you maintain intimacy with someone if you are concealing major life events? (Hypothetical question)
 
We made up some basic rules (no lovers either of us knows in "real life", always safe, never in our home, etc.) we felt were intuitive. However, in researching, one rules seems ... let's call it "in conflict" ... with what ive been reading about with open marriages. We've decided not to share anything about our activities with the other, keeping all aspects as clandestine as possible.

It sounds more like swinging or open than polyamory to me, but there are many shades and hues to approaching having multiple relationships. DADT work for some, but a lot of polyfolk wouldn't approve of that.

I am curious, and hope you don't mind my asking... why did you come up with these particular rules? What was the reasoning behind each one? Also, what about the possibility of one or both of you falling in love with someone else? Is that on the table or verboten?
 
Thanks for replies. We've already learned quite a bit.

Sorry my own delay in replying.

We don't mind questions at all, we're here to learn.

in order:

1)The rules, and why we choose them.
a)always safe (figure this one is obvious)
b)Never in our home. This rule is actually more her rule than mine. She wants our marriage bed to stay just for the two of us, and I'm on board with that. I have mentioned to her that since I travel for work, she can have guests over if it makes her feel more comfortable and just use a guest bed.
c)no one we know in "real life". No real short answer to this one, here's the best i can give: we are opening our marriage to gain some relief and vitality, not drama... (if you really want more information just ask, but left to my own devices, i choose brevity)
d)keeping things as clandestine as possible. This early on, we just want to get our open marriage "sea legs" before we decide how much information we want to share.

2)Love
Of course love is a possiblity, but isn't it always? How many "muggle" marriages end because one of the people falls in love with someone they meet at the PTA?

Our very happy marriage was already rotting slowly anyway from the lack of sex. In the end if either of us falls in love, what really has been lost? The fundamental goal in the end is for each of us to be as happy as possible.
 
2)Love
Of course love is a possiblity, but isn't it always? How many "muggle" marriages end because one of the people falls in love with someone they meet at the PTA?

Our very happy marriage was already rotting slowly anyway from the lack of sex. In the end if either of us falls in love, what really has been lost? The fundamental goal in the end is for each of us to be as happy as possible.

This is delightful to read. I am watching "The Affair" on Showtime and just shake my head - so much sturm und drag over loving two people at once. If the two couples allowed themselves this stretch of the imagination, no lives would be upset, ruined, destroyed.
 
Greetings coffeewalls,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think this is the right forum for you. We have a wide range of members here, some polyamorous per se and others some other variant of monogamy or nonmonogamy.

A particular book that's really good that you might find useful is "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. There are several other good book titles I can suggest but Opening Up is especially good for your situation.

There are various shades of "DADT" and you're probably fine as long as at least you're not pretending like you're not seeing anyone at all. In my household we don't say, "Ooh, let me tell you all about my latest sexual encounter," so we are DADT (MAC?) to some extent, but not to any unusual extent.

You're very wise to make room for the possibility of falling in love with someone new, as that sort of thing does happen often. And it doesn't mean you stop being in love with each other either; that's the whole point of open/polyamorous relationships.

Hope you enjoy your stay with us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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