1st date; When is the right time to reveal your open relationship with a new lover?

dancebee

New member
I think I might have made a mistake. I've been in an open relationship for quite a while and all has been good. I had a lover for a while, then he went and got married. It's been several months and I wasn't really looking when I met Rick at a Five Rhythms class. We had danced together before and it was fun, but this time, whoa.. it was so intense! I'm very selective about lovers, I choose carefully and I was intrigued. I asked him if he wanted to spend more time with me. We met at his place and shared a fruit smoothie and talked for a bit.

I wasn't sure when to tell him that I had a primary relationship. I asked him about family and he mentioned kids but no S.O. He asked me about kids, but didn't ask about my relationship status.

The attraction was palpable. I was so powerfully drawn to him and.. the sex was amazing. He would be a perfect second lover.

Afterwards, that's when he asked if I had a BF. I was honest, told him that I was in an open relationship. He was a little upset, and he clearly doesn't want to see me again.

Ooops. Should I have told him before the sex? If it was important why didn't he ask? When is the right time to bring that up? And how do you handle a rejection based solely on that when all other factors are good?
 
Before the first date.

When Murf asked me out my reply was I would love to go out on a date with you but first you need to know I am polyamorous. I went into detail about what that meant. He took a month to think things over. (We saw each other socially in between at car cruises and etc.) He decided he wanted to date me. Other men in the past have passed.
 
A lot of people here will say you should talk about it before you even go out with someone. Some feel telling during the first date is appropriate. I'm of a different mind. I think it's appropriate whenever it comes up, whether that is before, during, or after a date. Sometimes you have such a great time on a date, talking about all manner of things, that talking about "where this can go" or "what are you looking for?" can really just harsh your buzz. I'm all for enjoying the moment and letting a date be an opportunity to get to know another human being a little bit, without any expectations. If you are the kind of person who might have sex with someone before you really get to know them (as opposed to making friends first, then sex), then the appropriate time might just happen to be the morning after some hot times, or even the second or third morning after. For me, anyway, this has happened.

If he didn't ask beforehand, yet got all bent out of shape when he did ask the next morning, I'd say, "What difference does it make now? You got what you wanted, didn't you? " I can't stand people throwing any holier-than-thou bullshit on me. He could've at least asked you what being in an open relationship actually means, in practice, and how it could affect him, instead of just shutting you down!
 
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I don't date new people anymore, but when I met my boyfriend, it was the first thing I told him about myself: I have a husband, it is a real relationship, I have told him about you. He actually knew that I was married but I wanted him to know I was not cheating or on my way to a divorce. I told him before we had our first kiss. And then I repeated it the next day before I slept with him. And then I introduced him to my husband and continued talking about it. At no point did he not know. I have bad experience with people knowing later on so it was important to me that he knew from the start. He says my upfront honesty was important to him, and crucial to him considering to be a part of this. Neither of us knew when we met that we could be serious. But the honesty was my basic principle.

I have friends who tell new partners at a later point. One friend always tell the woman the next day and they usually react badly. They feel cheated, because they did not get to choose if they would sleep with a married man (he takes off his wedding ring before going out on the life), perhaps also because of the timing they may assume it may be a lie to dismiss them. Others have a three date rule that they have to disclose by the third date and seem to have it work for them. Some people think that a stranger could be in a relationship, but many people assume that a person willing to date are monogamous and single or separated if not told otherwise.
 
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I would want to know pretty much straight away.

I'd feel pretty deceived if somebody was dating me without disclosing an important part of their life like having children or a partner. I like to be able to make a choice about whether or not to get into a situation before any my judgement is clouded by the physiological changes associated with new sexual relationships (or even the possibility of them).

If somebody disclosed a serious romantic relationship to me after having sex with me, I wouldn't want to see that person again either.

It's a painful way to find out but I consider the behaviour you described to be treating the other person as less than a person. I don't make friends of people who behave in that way toward others.

IP
 
A lot of people here will say you should talk about it before you even go out with someone. Some feel telling during the first date is appropriate. I'm of a different mind. I think it's appropriate whenever it comes up, whether that is before, during, or after a date. Sometimes you have such a great time on a date, talking about all manner of things, that talking about "where this can go" or "what are you looking for?" can really just harsh your buzz. I'm all for enjoying the moment and letting a date be an opportunity to get to know another human being a little bit, without any expectations. If you are the kind of person who might have sex with someone before you really get to know them (as opposed to making friends first, then sex), then the appropriate time might just happen to be the morning after some hot times, or even the second or third morning after. For me, anyway, this has happened.

If he didn't ask beforehand, yet got all bent out of shape when he did ask the next morning, I'd say, "What difference does it make now? You got what you wanted, didn't you? " I can't stand people throwing any holier-than-thou bullshit on me. He could've at least asked you what being in an open relationship actually means, in practice, and how it could affect him, instead of just shutting you down!

In a society where the expectation is monogamy, people will assume that someone who is initiating or reciprocating sexual or romantic advances is single. You'll always be in the wrong if you don't raise it beforehand. Trying to turn it on the other person and say that they just wanted you for sex will just make you look like a manipulative ass.
 
It's the first thing in my FetLife profile, and when my OKC account is active, it's the first sentence. If someone asks me out in person, I let them know ahead of time, before the date. I feel like it'd be a waste of my time to go on a date with someone who wouldn't ever want to be with a woman who has commitments already. I also feel it's dishonest to not disclose right away, and I really don't want to be unethical.
 
For me it's not a matter of ethics, but practicality. I have no desire to date anyone who isn't fully on board with the fact that I live with a husband and high school aged kids, one with special needs. All of that is intrinsic to who I am and I would want anyone new to orbit up with me from that starting point.




.....how do you handle a rejection based solely on that when all other factors are good?
I wouldn't even get close to being in this position. Having to "reveal" wouldn't serve me at all. Why would I put time, effort and emotion into a relationship that couldn't fit with my life? I don't see the purpose of keeping such pertinent information hidden for any length of time, even for one date, even for one night - and I see having an existing open relationship as very pertinent information about a potential lover. It's as important to know as where they live and what they look like.
 
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It would definitely happen before any physical intimacy. I don't want anyone to feel like I was sandbagging them, and poly isn't a common enough thing for people to know to ask. Therefore, it's on me to disclose.

I would feel like I had been deceived if I had sex with someone and then they told me about a relationship. My stbxH thought that was totally OK to do and as long as they enjoyed the sex then the ends justified the means. That felt really squicky to me because the other person doesn't have the opportunity to consent to sex with someone in a relationship.
 
You should have told him before getting romantic or sexual, unless it was clearly meant only to be a one-night-stand. Otherwise, you take away his right to choose whether or not he wishes to participate in such an arrangement. Next time be a little more up front with people before going to bed with them.
 
I'd feel pretty deceived if somebody was dating me without disclosing an important part of their life like having children or a partner.

For me it's not a matter of ethics, but practicality. I have no desire to date anyone who isn't fully on board with the fact that I live with a husband and high school aged kids . . .

Sure, if I had kids and a live-in partner, I would tell them before making the date. And if I were the type of person who doesn't have sex until a friendship/relationship is established, I would tell them beforehand as well. But I am neither of these things: I am solo poly and date as a free agent; I have no kids; and I often start relationships with sex fairly soon.

I always felt like it is arrogant to advise someone of your relationship status before an attraction is established; it's like saying, "I know you want me, so here's the deal." If I meet someone for a date and there's no chemistry, then it's a moot point, anyway. But if my date and I are having such a great time talking about life, our passions, travels, all kinds of things, and we're really connecting but relationship status doesn't come up, and we're so totally sexually drawn to each other that we wind up in bed, I feel no reason to "warn" anyone before we hook up. The most boring dates I've ever been on are the ones where all we talk about is relationships and dating.

Waiting til after fucking is a risk for me, too - he could be cheating on a spouse. However, I am a pretty good judge of character and don't usually attract that kind of person. I've had several long-term relationships that started this way - with the "what are you looking for" and "are you seeing anybody" questions happening in bed the next day. So what? I don't usually wind up in bed with someone who isn't as easygoing about these things as I am. If the guy doesn't want to see me again, fine. I don't date just to wrangle long-term relationships out of people. At least we had a great time, made each other feel good, and connected for whatever amount of time we had together. So, let him move on, nothing I can do about it -- and there's plenty of fish in the sea.

In a society where the expectation is monogamy, people will assume that someone who is initiating or reciprocating sexual or romantic advances is single.
Not always. Plenty of cheaters out there who make advances when they shouldn't. Plenty of people with relationships that are hard to define and describe will make advances, too. And plenty of people who take a more carefree approach will make advances. Besides, we can't be responsible for what other people assume - about anything.

You'll always be in the wrong if you don't raise it beforehand. Trying to turn it on the other person and say that they just wanted you for sex will just make you look like a manipulative ass.
Not so. First of all, there is no right or wrong in this question. It's simply a preference, one way or the other. Second of all, it isn't "turning things around on someone" if they did indeed want sex and get it without asking beforehand for information they deem important. It is merely a statement of fact. I did not say I would tell them they wanted me only for sex. I said that I would point out that they got something they wanted, although I would probably say it in a gentler way than "You got what you wanted," and I'm certain he'd be smart enough to get my point (I'm attracted to highly intelligent men and don't bring dumb-asses home to my bed). I would probably also ask, "If that is important to you, why didn't you ask me instead of assuming?" And raising that point isn't manipulative at all. It's not directed at getting a certain outcome. Again, it's just a simple statement of fact. They did indeed get what they wanted. I won't shrivel up and die if it turns out to be a one night stand.
 
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....I feel no reason to "warn" anyone before we hook up. The most boring dates I've ever been on are the ones where all we talk about is relationships and dating.

Agree that swapping war stories is a bore, but it only takes a minute or five to drop pertinent information into the conversation. I think that if I lived alone I would not consider other relationships "pertinent," though, and would be more inclined to let that naturally come up (or not) during a shorter lived liaison.
 
Agree that swapping war stories is a bore, but it only takes a minute or five to drop pertinent information into the conversation. I think that if I lived alone I would not consider other relationships "pertinent," though, and would be more inclined to let that naturally come up (or not) during a shorter lived liaison.

I'd consider it always pertinent, because regardless of my current status, monogamy will not be an option for me.
 
Hi dancebee,

Re (from OP):
"When is the right time to reveal your open relationship with a new lover?"

Whoa wait, a new lover? I'm thinking you should reveal your open status before things get to that point.

Now if it's just dates (no sex yet), some people will tell you oh, say the second or third date is soon enough. Others will say it has to be on your first date or sooner. The point for me is just that you should tell them early in the game.

Re:
"Ooops. Should I have told him before the sex?"

Mmm hmmmmm.

Re:
"If it was important why didn't he ask?"

Oops on his part, right? I presume it just didn't occur to him at first (but it should have).

Re:
"How do you handle a rejection based solely on that when all other factors are good?"

Well, some people are just very skittish especially if it's early in the game. You have to keep that in mind, so as not to take it personally. Plus for all we know this guy might be a hardcore monogamist, so, someone being in an open relationship is, like, an automatic deal breaker for him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ooops. Should I have told him before the sex? If it was important why didn't he ask? When is the right time to bring that up? And how do you handle a rejection based solely on that when all other factors are good?

Well, in not disclosing you didn't give him a chance at full consent from a fully informed place before having sex. Yes, he could ask before sharing sex with you.

But what about the people who have no idea "polyamory" or "open relationships" even exist? Kinda hard to ask about what they do not even know.

Or what about "lost in language" -- where you say something and mean it like this. And they hear it and understand it like that. Not anyone trying to be mean or anything... just not on the same page for meanings of words.

Maybe he thought you were talking about past BF people and not like active CURRENT boyfriend people till the next day when he thought he better ask to be sure?

Whatever the case may be...At this point he is bummed out. And part of that upset is he just doesn't want to see you any more. Disappointing, but there really isn't much to be done there. His willingness to participate some more with you belongs to him.

Call it a learning experience on both sides. Hopefully he's learned to ask about current BFs much sooner -- def before sharing sex. You have learned to tell sooner about current boyfriends -- def before sharing sex.

Galagirl
 
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But what about the people who have no idea "polyamory" or "open relationships" even exist? Kinda hard to ask about what they do not even know.
No, but most people who don't know about polyamory would probably word it this way: "So, are you seeing anybody?"

The main point in my posts is just to say that I don't think the OP did anything wrong and that she shouldn't beat herself up about it. Each person is 100% responsible for their own actions, and if the guy decided to get naked and have sex with her before finding out something that he thinks is important, he is just as responsible for not having the information as she is for not providing it. It's a bit harsh of him (and of anyone else) to judge her or call her deceitful for not revealing she has a bf when he did not take steps to gain the knowledge he wanted. Both of them played a part.
 
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True.

But I also know people who have FWB that they have sex with. But if asked if they are "seeing anyone" they would say they are not "seeing anyone." Because to them "seeing somebody" means "Dating them seriously." Which they are not.

That's what I mean about "lost in language."

When a person asks "are you seeing someone?" they might mean "dating someone" or "having sex with someone" or both things.

The person hearing that phrase may take it differently than how the speaker means it. Like "Cool, you are not seeing anyone." Then get upset when they learn about the FWB.

It isn't that the person was trying to mean and mislead them deliberately. It's just that they each use language different and did not know it.

Galagirl
 
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Most people are seeking a monogamous
relationship at some point. I'm not so it's important we clear that up as soon as we can.
Ah, I see. I just assumed that non-monogamy was already a known factor in this discussion. But yes, this would be pertinent information to exchange even before a date was made.
 
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