STIs and fertility in polyamorous relationships

I'm scared that by risking STIs I will worsen my already rubbish fertility and I wanted to hear from people who might have had similar concerns. Whether or not we'll do things differently is a discussion we'll have when our treatment's finished and I'm feeling less emotional, but as I said in my first post I'm looking to hear other people's experiences. I don't really get the point of your replies, it seems like you're asking questions I've already answered in my other posts..

Risking STI's won't impact on your fertility, contracting an STI will. I think that a lot of the confusion in the replies here is because we all know that the chances of contracting an STI (especially one like chlamydia) whilst using barrier protection is very low. It could be the case that your husband wasn't treated and then reinfected you, but the most obvious explanation is that he hasn't been using barrier contraception every time he has sex with other people. Furthermore, your refusal to acknowledge that the most likely explanation is that he hasn't been using barriers every time he has sex outside of your dyad makes the whole thread awkward.

But to answer your question, yes, I have contracted this particular STI, I had never heard of it at the time. It was when I was having barrier free sex with a male bodied partner who was also fluid bonded with someone else and it went around the three of us. We all had a dose of antibiotics and it was gone soon afterwards.
 
Risking STI's won't impact on your fertility, contracting an STI will. I think that a lot of the confusion in the replies here is because we all know that the chances of contracting an STI (especially one like chlamydia) whilst using barrier protection is very low. It could be the case that your husband wasn't treated and then reinfected you, but the most obvious explanation is that he hasn't been using barrier contraception every time he has sex with other people. Furthermore, your refusal to acknowledge that the most likely explanation is that he hasn't been using barriers every time he has sex outside of your dyad makes the whole thread awkward.

But to answer your question, yes, I have contracted this particular STI, I had never heard of it at the time. It was when I was having barrier free sex with a male bodied partner who was also fluid bonded with someone else and it went around the three of us. We all had a dose of antibiotics and it was gone soon afterwards.

Ok it's good to know that despite the 3 of you potentially having it, the antibiotics did their job.

I don't know how many times I have to say this but my partner always uses condoms with other people. Always. He is literally the most honest person in the world, to the point where it is a flaw because he doesn't have much tact. STIs can be passed on despite condoms, condoms don't make a person invincible.

I came on here hoping for some poly-specific support vis-a-vis my fertility worries and people are ignoring what I'm telling them and deciding they know my partner better than I do. Great.
 
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Also the fact that all his (cis female) partners got tested and didn't have this STI means it more than likely entered the couple through me, because while my partners got tested too and didn't show for it either, they are almost all (cis) men and it doesn't necessarily show up on a guy's test. Whereas to my knowledge the vaginal swab test has no problems detecting it.
 
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There is always a risk. This is not just a poly issue. I have mostly had condom free sex as I have mostly been either monogamous or had very few partners. I have had vaginal infections transferred from a female partner when we were monogamous and had to be seriusly treated for both of us. I have also had serious yeast transfer in our MFM chain and all three of us had to be treated. It is not just the traditional stds that can be transffered and affecting fertility, but any kind of condition can be transffered. I don't use condoms with them because I trust them (N has sex only with me, L only if he asks) and I have other bc. There was an indicent in the past where my husband had unprotected sex with a woman who was - technically, they rarely had sex - fluent bonded in another relatonship. That upset me a whole lot because although the risk was low there was not enough communicaton in the chain for me to be comfortable with them continuing the relationship. My husband is also truthful but a bit impulsive.

I worry about my fertility, mostly because of my age and other health issues - I am on medicaton that I worry might affect my ability to become pregnant or bare a healthy child (but I can't go to work without it). I told my doctor about having 2 male partners and she seemed not worried about my health, but I think I will have another talk about it because I don't think doctors are enough aware about how multiple partners/chain can effect health or/and potentional pregnancy. It might be an idea to talk to a gynegologist or a specialist on your condition, too, and see what they have if you feel like you need extra opinion on weather or not to take the small std risk you are currently taking, out of concerns for your fertility.
 
There is always a risk. This is not just a poly issue. I have mostly had condom free sex as I have mostly been either monogamous or had very few partners. I have had vaginal infections transferred from a female partner when we were monogamous and had to be seriusly treated for both of us. I have also had serious yeast transfer in our MFM chain and all three of us had to be treated. It is not just the traditional stds that can be transffered and affecting fertility, but any kind of condition can be transffered. I don't use condoms with them because I trust them (N has sex only with me, L only if he asks) and I have other bc. There was an indicent in the past where my husband had unprotected sex with a woman who was - technically, they rarely had sex - fluent bonded in another relatonship. That upset me a whole lot because although the risk was low there was not enough communicaton in the chain for me to be comfortable with them continuing the relationship. My husband is also truthful but a bit impulsive.

I worry about my fertility, mostly because of my age and other health issues - I am on medicaton that I worry might affect my ability to become pregnant or bare a healthy child (but I can't go to work without it). I told my doctor about having 2 male partners and she seemed not worried about my health, but I think I will have another talk about it because I don't think doctors are enough aware about how multiple partners/chain can effect health or/and potentional pregnancy. It might be an idea to talk to a gynegologist or a specialist on your condition, too, and see what they have if you feel like you need extra opinion on weather or not to take the small std risk you are currently taking, out of concerns for your fertility.

Thank you for this reply and for your advice! I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation, of having no choice but to take a medication which might affect your fertility. I hope everything works out for you. Have you already had a second opinion? Maybe there is another treatment course out there which will allow you to work without risking your fertility

Yep, other infections worry me too. I mean mycoplasma is only debatedly an STI, because it can develop completely by itself if your vaginal flora becomes unbalanced (though this wasn't the case for me). But as with any infection or illness it can be passed along through contact. I'm also extra cautious when it comes to vaginal infections generally because I have the copper-only IUD and the strings that hang into the vagina create a direct passage for bacteria to get into the womb...but I had never had an infection before despite some less than safe practices in my youth so I just figured with all the precautions I take now it shouldn't be a problem, plus hormonal contraception doesn't agree with me and neither do barrier methods (condoms are ok for occasional use but using them every day gives me terrible yeast infections). Oh and I know what you mean about truthful but impulsive, my partner is similar! But at least I'll always know he's telling the truth. Even if sometimes it can be painful.

I also feel the same thing with regards to my doctor not even really acknowledging the fact that having multiple partners makes things different (and she is the doctor for my primary partner too, she is the one who prescribed us the antibiotics). I mean when I told her I would need 6 monthly checks for STIs, minimum, she almost refused on the grounds that it's either unnecessary or not enough - unnecessary for monogamous couples, not enough if you're changing partners in a more casual way and more frequently...yet she knows I have several long term partners and that I can't be certain that everyone involved in the poly chain is tustworthy and takes the right precautions (like my partner's partner's partner's partner's partner who I have never heard of or met...hell I've rarely met my partner's partners!). In the end I just go to the free and anonymous STI testing clinics, it's easier than trying to persuade my GP even if it means sitting for an hour or 2 in an incredibly depressing waiting room.

If anyone has a recommendation of a doctor or, better yet, a gynecologist in the Paris area, France, who really understands the medical needs of a poly person, I would love to hear about it!! :p
 
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I think about STIs and sexual health as a risk awareness and management problem. How much risk is acceptable for me? What consequences am I willing to live with? What consequences am I not? What is a catastrophic event I want to avoid at all costs? So, for example, for me I am fine having unprotected oral sex with partners (who've been tested and have an awareness of their risk levels too) because I've already been exposed to the STIs most likely to transmit via touch (HPV and HSV (cold sores in my case). I would prefer not to get HSV-2 but it's a risk I'm willing to take by not having barriers with oral sex. I've gotten vaccinations for Hepatitis A and B to minimize my risk of getting those diseases which can have very serious health implications - and I do not do unprotected blood play or penetration. These are the sort of decisions I've made based on what level of risk I'm willing to take.

So mulling over your situation, it seems to me that wanting to get pregnant and having medical conditions that can impact fertility really ups the level of risk you may be unwilling to deal with. Several STIs can badly hamper or even destroy fertility in women. You may want to seriously consider stopping intercourse with other partners besides the person you want to be the father. And you may want to consider stopping having sex entirely with other people until you conceive. Another option would be to re-conceptualize sex away from intercourse/penetration/genital contact for those partners who are not going to be genetic contributors. (Sorry, awkward phrasing! I don't know the genders of your partners.) This would reduce but not eliminate your risk.

The thing is though, if you go this route, you would still face a serious (in my opinion - yours may vary!) risk of harm from STIs if your 'genetic contributor' partner (again sorry for the awkward) continues having penetrative, genital contact sex with their other partners. It would help, yes. However, women are at much greater risk of infection from male partners than the other way around. Physically it is easier to transmit being penetrated than the one doing the penetrating. So if you decide to not having sex with your other partners until you conceive, from a risk reduction viewpoint, it would be ideal to have your partner also refrain from having penetrative sex with others as well. This is not an easy or small thing to ask. And it sounds like both of you have other partners currently. But you have the right to ask. And assuming he is willing, you both will need to think about if this takes some time (and I hope it does not), how to handle that. Talk with your doctor openly about your other partners - this is crucial information they need to know to truly give you appropriate advice about pregnancy, fertility and so on.

Talk with your main partner about the level of risk he is willing to expose you to. That's the critical question if you decide to not have penetrative sex with others while trying to conceive. Have that critical conversation about the levels of risk you both are willing to take, for your own body and mind, and for each other and your children. For example, you may be ok with getting herpes because the consequences are generally not serious for adults. But children exposed during childbirth to herpes can suffer serious health issues or even die. This is the kind of thing you two need to talk about. And for the best protection of you both, it's not a decision you should make individually. You can, of course. But it's not ideal.

Also, while I think I personally would tend towards closing the sexual relationship to the genetic contributors until conception and birth, don't think this is an absolute, you must go this route. It's not. It's the risks and consequences you and your partner are willing, or unwilling, to bear.

Also, people who want to be around you, who love you, who want the best for you, will wait for you to conceive and bear children. If they don't want to wait, that's their prerogative but put yourself, your partner and potential to be parents first.

I wish you the best!
 
I think about STIs and sexual health as a risk awareness and management problem. How much risk is acceptable for me? What consequences am I willing to live with? What consequences am I not? What is a catastrophic event I want to avoid at all costs? So, for example, for me I am fine having unprotected oral sex with partners (who've been tested and have an awareness of their risk levels too) because I've already been exposed to the STIs most likely to transmit via touch (HPV and HSV (cold sores in my case). I would prefer not to get HSV-2 but it's a risk I'm willing to take by not having barriers with oral sex. I've gotten vaccinations for Hepatitis A and B to minimize my risk of getting those diseases which can have very serious health implications - and I do not do unprotected blood play or penetration. These are the sort of decisions I've made based on what level of risk I'm willing to take.

So mulling over your situation, it seems to me that wanting to get pregnant and having medical conditions that can impact fertility really ups the level of risk you may be unwilling to deal with. Several STIs can badly hamper or even destroy fertility in women. You may want to seriously consider stopping intercourse with other partners besides the person you want to be the father. And you may want to consider stopping having sex entirely with other people until you conceive. Another option would be to re-conceptualize sex away from intercourse/penetration/genital contact for those partners who are not going to be genetic contributors. (Sorry, awkward phrasing! I don't know the genders of your partners.) This would reduce but not eliminate your risk.

The thing is though, if you go this route, you would still face a serious (in my opinion - yours may vary!) risk of harm from STIs if your 'genetic contributor' partner (again sorry for the awkward) continues having penetrative, genital contact sex with their other partners. It would help, yes. However, women are at much greater risk of infection from male partners than the other way around. Physically it is easier to transmit being penetrated than the one doing the penetrating. So if you decide to not having sex with your other partners until you conceive, from a risk reduction viewpoint, it would be ideal to have your partner also refrain from having penetrative sex with others as well. This is not an easy or small thing to ask. And it sounds like both of you have other partners currently. But you have the right to ask. And assuming he is willing, you both will need to think about if this takes some time (and I hope it does not), how to handle that. Talk with your doctor openly about your other partners - this is crucial information they need to know to truly give you appropriate advice about pregnancy, fertility and so on.

Talk with your main partner about the level of risk he is willing to expose you to. That's the critical question if you decide to not have penetrative sex with others while trying to conceive. Have that critical conversation about the levels of risk you both are willing to take, for your own body and mind, and for each other and your children. For example, you may be ok with getting herpes because the consequences are generally not serious for adults. But children exposed during childbirth to herpes can suffer serious health issues or even die. This is the kind of thing you two need to talk about. And for the best protection of you both, it's not a decision you should make individually. You can, of course. But it's not ideal.

Also, while I think I personally would tend towards closing the sexual relationship to the genetic contributors until conception and birth, don't think this is an absolute, you must go this route. It's not. It's the risks and consequences you and your partner are willing, or unwilling, to bear.

Also, people who want to be around you, who love you, who want the best for you, will wait for you to conceive and bear children. If they don't want to wait, that's their prerogative but put yourself, your partner and potential to be parents first.

I wish you the best!

Thank you for this reply it's really, really helpful!! Don't worry your phrasing was not awkward :) I agree with everything you're saying.

I too already have herpes, though I've never done the test to find out if it's HSV 1 or 2. More likely HSV 2 since it's genital, and I much prefer having it there than on my mouth especially as I basically never get sores and on the rare occasion I have done (twice or *maybe* 3 times maximum), at least I was the only person who knew and I wasn't constantly opening the sores by eating/talking so it healed in a day or 2. Nonetheless, I kind of accepted the risk long ago of catching the other strain and having it on my mouth (one of my partners has cold sores in fact) and I had until recently accepted the risk of the infections like chlamydia, mycoplasma etc. But priorities change!

Unfortunately my primary partner has very unique views about medicine and illness, he certainly would never make a decision like stopping having sex with other people based on fear of getting sick. He might do it out of respect and love for me but it would be so unpleasant for him that I'm not sure I could ask him to do that. You're right though, if I stop having PIV sex with cis men other than my primary partner that would certainly reduce our collective risk a lot. And I think when we're ready in about 2 years time to conceive he will be more than happy to remain exclusive, potentially through the entire process of getting/being pregnant and beyond, we've talked about it before and a year or 2 passes so so quickly, he probably won't want to miss a minute of it!

I think I will take your advice and also some of the other advice I've had...I'm going to seek advice from a specialist to see if they think that my fertility is already in too fragile a condition to risk another STI (in which case I think my partner will be a lot more willing to close the relationship and maybe have children earlier than planned) or maybe they'll say I shouldn't worry too much, just keep getting tested and treated where necessary. That way I will have more accurate information on which to base my plan of action.

Thanks again for this helpful message I really appreciate it.
 
I'm going to seek advice from a specialist to see if they think that my fertility is already in too fragile a condition to risk another STI (in which case I think my partner will be a lot more willing to close the relationship and maybe have children earlier than planned) or maybe they'll say I shouldn't worry too much, just keep getting tested and treated where necessary. That way I will have more accurate information on which to base my plan of action.

I think this is the best thing to do! Good luck.
 
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