answers for "how come I'm not enough"

Delphinius

New member
Please help me find the words to answer the question, "how come I'm not enough" when your partner wants to be everything for you, they believe that I'm everything for them.

I've said the "no one can be everything to one person" but apparently for him I am. He doesn't want or seek other friends (though he has a few but doesn't initiate hang out time with them & such....), he just wants to be with me, spend every moment possible with me.

I've also said it's nothing about what he's not giving me, it's not about "enough". I might have mentioned, the fun of "variety" but that probably was a bad play as seemed to perpetuate, "I can give you variety, we can change it up..." It's just now that I've opened up more to the world, I want to get every happy experience I can. I don't want to hurt someone doing that but if opportunity comes, I want to take advantage of what life throws at me, which is something else I told him.
 
To me the variety is also new perspectives. By meeting new people - and spending intimate moments with them - I learn new things of myself. Just recently made a huge eye-opening discovery of myself while spending time with Steve, my new long distance FWB. I came home from that visit and had very deep discussions with CJ, my husband. Steve happened to ask something no one had ever asked before, and then I found words to describe my inner world. Told this to CJ and he wanted to know so much more, and then realized the "whys" of a few things that have happened in our mutual past.

Just my two cents.
 
Is this partner grinding on this on and on?

If so...How about keeping it simple?

"I don't want to go steady / I don't want to be exclusive. I want to date people and experience love with more than one person. You are one person. You cannot be two people. If you are looking for exclusive, that person cannot be me. I am sorry. We're best off not dating."​

If you want to go brutal honesty? If it were me? This person is "not enough" because he's not secure enough in himself to just be ok in his own skin without comparing to other people. Lacks a strong sense of self and confidence.

Having to constantly reassure like trying to fill the "black hole of need" is one of my turn offs. That would drive me bonkers. I do not exist to prop other people up.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
My husband, Roger, and I used to spend every moment together. We didn't have many friends that weren't mutual friends, just wanted to be together all the time. Which was lovely at times and suffocating at times. It developed into codependency that left both of us feeling very restricted in our lives. "This is how we do things, because this is the only way we know how to do things." I appreciate how polyamory allows me to get to know people that challenge me in different ways, help me grow, and open up my eyes to different possibilities in life than I've seen before. I also love seeing how Roger (and our relationship) has grown through this type of "opening up" ourselves as human beings. Even the time apart when I'm by myself has allowed me to reconnect to who I am, what I enjoy, and what is meaningful to me, outside of "us" as a single, enmeshed unit. Regardless of what your partner's mono beliefs are (which are totally fine for him to have!), I do believe in the importance of having other friends, hobbies, etc. outside of your partnership as part of self-actualization.

Just my two cents!
 
Seems to me you've already explained yourself. You might persist a bit along the lines of, "Why aren't my reasons enough for you?"

My wife asked why I wasn't enough for her several times in the past when I was trying to encourage the idea of poly. My impressions of why she kept asking were, 1) She felt like my desire to see others was a sign I didn't like her anymore. I would say I loved her, that she was a great partner, she was an amazing person and I wanted to stay with her, etc. 2) She felt like she wasn't sexually or emotionally satisfying for me. I told her there was no one else who could match her in terms of how I connected to her in those ways, and 3) She felt like I was giving up on her and seeing someone else was going to take away the things we had together. I told her I really didn't see it as taking something away from her. It was more about adding something.

Nothing seemed to help reassure her. What changed is she started seeing a couple of other people, found it very liberating and exciting and suddenly she saw why I might want to do the same. It was like flicking on a light swich. Inevitably its not all smooth sailing. She is going through an internal conflict between her mono mindset from before and what her new poly experiences and me are are telling her. Is she cheating? (No) Is she a bad person? (No) Is she neglecting me? (No) That sort of stuff.

If this man you're seeing could be encouraged to do that, or at least expand his social circle a lot, it could potentially help a lot. No guarantees though.

If you want to go brutal honesty? If it were me? This person is "not enough" because he's not secure enough in himself to just be ok in his own skin without comparing to other people. Lacks a strong sense of self and confidence.

Having to constantly reassure like trying to fill the "black hole of need" is one of my turn offs. That would drive me bonkers. I do not exist to prop other people up.

My guess is you definitely don't lack a strong sense of self and confidence. :)
 
Hi Delphinius,

Re (from OP):
"Please help me find the words to answer the question, 'How come I'm not enough?' when your partner wants to be everything for you, and they believe that I'm everything for them."

How about, "There's nothing lacking in you. It's monogamy itself that dissatisfies me."

Re:
"He just wants to be with me, spend every moment possible with me."

Uh-oh, that sounds like incompatibility.

Re (from GalaGirl):
"You cannot be two people."

That's a good way to put it too.

Re (from Halcyeus):
"Why aren't my reasons enough for you?"

Good one.
 
You would guess right, Halyceus. ;)

Seriously though... If you have already given your reason and if this person keeps on grinding about it? They are not accepting your response? Coming across as a cling-on or emotional vampire? Trying to make you be their life raft? You are not their life support system. You are NOT their everything.

That is a warning flag for me. Not respecting my limit or hearing me. Making it be all about them and what they are getting or not getting. If they are really after attention supply? Not really seeking understanding? Me sitting around trying to explain is me feeding the bottomless attention well. They will keep on "not getting it" just to keep me around providing supply.

Energy drain. I rather be firm from the start and not get sucked into that kind of unhealthy dynamic.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Been through this. Ugh. It didn't end well. In fact, we ended because of it.

I don't want to be someone's everything--that is far more pressure than I want in a relationship. Even when I'm in mono relationships (I am polyflexible), I don't want to be someone's world. I don't date people who don't have friends and hobbies of their own. To steal a phrase I heard someone: I spent years becoming this awesome. You can't have my awesome. Get your own awesome, and we can be awesome together. In other words, I just don't find people who are that limited interesting, and if they think I am awesome and all they want to do is everything I want to do, I'm going to get bored pretty quickly. I want someone who helps me grow, introduces me to new things and perspectives, and challenges me; and, I want someone who wants the same thing from me.

I wouldn't want to "be everything" for my friends or my kids (if i had any), either. IMHO, it's incredibly unhealthy for everyone involved.

If this keeps coming up, it may be an incompatibility that can't be solved. Those I've met who feel this way are often either very insecure, or extreme introverts. There are people who are compatible with those personality types, but I am not, and it sounds like you are not. If she won't let it go, and won't work on her own issues, that's going to be a tough go for poly.
 
You might find some good stuff in this thread:

Not enough?

OMG! The "lovely room" metaphor from that linked thread is just about the most perfect thing I've ever read (well, except for that rollercoaster metaphor from Kevin--I think it's a tie).
 
We are all burn as absolute free beings ,& there is nothing external to us that can take this away .As a result of being surrounded by misguided adults , & being encouraged to live through our heads instead of following our internal knowing ,some people come to the false belief that happiness comes from the behaviour of others ,& external events .As you have no control over what others think ,feel ,& do all you can do is use your perspective to be in a place of unconditional love & accept & allow others to have their own perspectives. ,
 
TY!!

Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and perspectives. So glad that kdt6427 (Kevin, right?) & Galagirl found a moment to chime in as well. Have appreciated your perspectives from first joining forum.

There's some great nuggets from each of you and it will help very much.

We did talk yesterday and I used a variation of "it took me a long time to get this awesome" (AND tons of hard work & reflection!)

I also love this quote and will use as base to next discussion: "I want someone who helps me grow, introduces me to new things and perspectives, and challenges me; and I want someone who wants the same thing from me."

He unloaded a lot of stuff that should've come up long time ago, just a few days ago and it threw me. I too, like Galagirl, wondered how strong a person can be if I'm his everything and he doesn't want anything else but his work and his family. He seems like a strong person, he says he's happy and guess he is rather bit of an introvert, so I'm wondering if that's just the way he is, which is near opposite of me so difficult to "relate" (and people are all different) or if maybe therapy is needed for him to become stronger.

He's agreed to therapy but I've never been; do people generally have a specific agenda when entering therapy? Does he go in and say I think I'm good but want to make sure this is all healthy. My mate is worried that her being my everything is unhealthy and I'm here to make sure it is or try to "get better" if not?

Does that make sense? Is he actually "healthy" and just really different than me or even though he feels strong and happy (but also very mono) could he still be in need of help through therapy? What do you imagine he'd get out of it?
 
"Healthy" can be a very subjective thing.

To my perspective, I'm currently "healthy." I function daily, manage my own schedule and that of Country and (to a degree) Alt, manage the household finances, get out of bed every day, write my books, work on my music, etc.

To others' perspectives, particularly those who don't know me, I'm probably pretty damn *un*healthy. I have anxiety attacks once or twice a week; I'm in chronic physical pain; I have some disordered thinking patterns caused by a combination of depression and the abuse that led to my developing PTSD; I have difficulty navigating social situations; and I tend to seriously overshare.

I'm a little unclear as to whether you and your partner are going to joint counseling or whether he's doing individual counseling. Either way, just go in with an open mind. The therapist will help you determine why you're there, whether you need to be there, and what you'll get out of it.

I sincerely hope, though, based on some of the things you've said, that if it's joint therapy, you'll learn to be more tolerant and understanding of your partner. Saying he isn't "strong" because he doesn't like to be around other people comes across as condescending and insulting to me. It would be like someone telling you that *you* are the weak one because you want to be around others. Being an introvert or extrovert has nothing to do with whether someone is "strong" or "weak." They're simply character traits. If you consider your partner "weak" because he likes spending time alone or with you but no one else, maybe you aren't the right partner for him. If he feels strong and happy, then he is. That's not your call to make.

As for his feeling that you're his "everything", he sounds a lot like Hubby. Hubby, as he puts it, likes having other people around but doesn't like being around other people. Being in a social situation makes him irritable at best. He doesn't enjoy small talk or long conversations, and being in a group of people makes him excruciatingly uncomfortable. In general, he prefers to interact with people only at work (where two of his four or five coworkers are related to him) or online. He says if it wasn't for me and my daughters, he probably wouldn't speak to anyone face to face outside of work.
 
Some people are truly happy interacting with a limited number of people. He might just like deeply interacting with you and maybe a few other folks. That is not automatically unhealthy.

This dynamic is often connected to introversion but that doesn't always explain it totally. (Introversion is not if you 'like' people or not - it's defined by if you are drained mentally and physically from being around other people. Extroverts get energy from being around other people. I'm an introvert and I'm not at all like your partner. I like people and have a wide circle of acquaintances from all types of communities. But I do have a much more limited group of people that I rely upon if I need help, that rely on me, that I share more deeply with, etc.)

But, yes, it can also be unhealthy. If his desire to interact with mostly just you comes from a place of lack of self-worth, little confidence in himself, clinginess (perhaps out of fear of being alone), then it can be a sign of things not being well within him and within your relationship. It can also go from being a healthy dynamic to an unhealthy one (and back again) as reflections noted in a post.

It's not clear to me where he is on this spectrum of healthy to unhealthy. And someone can be totally healthy and still incompatible with you (and vice versa). I also can't tell where you two are in terms of compatibility. Sometimes being very different from each other is a strength and other times, it can be a fracture point. You (the couple 'you') will have to figure this out together and that is a fine thing to present to a therapist as something both of you want to work on.

Good luck!
 
not enough words...

Thanks KC43,

Your response paints a very clear picture. Though the English language has tens of thousands of words, I struggle to find the correct ones to convey "pictures" that can be understood.

So yes, "strong", "healthy" can come across incorrectly. For me, to be a good partner, lover, mate to someone else, one must be in "good working order". Not perfect, not have all their shit together but enough "solid", enough self-confidence, fundamental love & worthiness of oneself to then be good for someone else.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, if he is. I know I am and so far he has been... until all this came up. I need to know for sure, that's its not me, because he's with me, that he keeps most of his shit together.
 
He unloaded a lot of stuff that should've come up long time ago, just a few days ago and it threw me.

I will be honest -- the timing of the reveal sounds fishy. Why's he trying to keep you off balance? Is it like an obligation hook to keep you here having this conversation?

You were trying to assert that you are not Closed and will eventually date other people. End of convo.

And he's all "Nooooo!" sounding. Like you are obligated to stay and and shrink yourself because you feel sorry for him or something. Drag the conversation out and hog your time = you never actually move on to dating others?

What's the core problem?

  • He wants you to be Closed. (i.e.: exclusive)
  • You do not want to Close. You want to be free to date whoever you want if opportunity arises.

Fundamentally incompatible if he wants mono/exclusive.

Then the rest of the static on the channel is just... static on the channel. Almost suffocating sounding.

It's totally OK to want different things! He can want exclusive and you can want not exclusive. But you guys could not keep trying to fly it if it just won't fly. If not compatible, then just not compatible. Nobody's fault. Could let go, move on.

Here is your standard for partners:

For me, to be a good partner, lover, mate to someone else, one must be in "good working order". Not perfect, not have all their shit together but enough "solid", enough self-confidence, fundamental love & worthiness of oneself to then be good for someone else.

Fair enough. You are allowed to like what you like in a partner.

Does he make the cut? Nope.

  • Because he wants exclusive and you do not.
  • Because he wants to be you to be his everything. You do not want that. (And it sounds like enmeshment)
  • Because if he's unhealthy, he's not "solid" enough for you.
  • Because if that's just the way he is, he is near opposite of you so difficult to "relate" with

However you turn the puzzle piece? Not sounding like a fit. Why overthink it?

Is he actually "healthy" and just really different than me or even though he feels strong and happy (but also very mono) could he still be in need of help through therapy? What do you imagine he'd get out of it?

All that stuff? That's his stuff to be doing. It's not your job to figure out if he's actually healthy or not or what he would get out of therapy.

It's your job to determine if he meets your standard or not and if you enjoy being with him. How long have you been dating him? Dated long enough to get a sense of his character?

If so, and he's not a fit -- why do you have to go to counseling with him to tend to his health things? Is he going to therapy just to keep you around in his orbit?

I'm not hearing where there is a "couple" problem. Just that he doesn't like /want to accept what you say about your dating preferences.

I don't think "not compatible dating partners" is a "problem." It's just part of dating. Some are a hit. Some are a miss. That's what dating is FOR. To find the compatible ones.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Yep all great points.

I gotta admit, this isn't all him. There's a lot of back story/history can't get into now but suffice it to say, though I've always been honest about who I am, I also went forward with relationship knowing that he was very mono because of the depth of love, that he really is great in most every way and because thought we had left things at, we will find a way to work it out if it comes up. Turns out, we both said things that we both misinterpreted (heard what we wanted to hear) when we "shelved" that convo, hence the flare up now.

He really is a wonderful, smart, sweet, fun, sexy, responsible man. There's a lot of hard wiring out there of people being really mono. The cool thing with his mono-ness is that sex is very meaningful to him. And he's had it really rough with love in his life, parental as well as romantic. I can empathize how scary it would be to think of possibly losing someone you love so deeply.

Really appreciate all the thoughts, suggestions, and perspectives.
Thanks everyone!!
 
Re (from Delphinius):
"kdt6427 (Kevin, right?)"

Right. :)

Re:
"He's agreed to therapy but I've never been; do people generally have a specific agenda when entering therapy? Does he go in and say, 'I think I'm good but want to make sure this is all healthy. My mate is worried that her being my everything is unhealthy and I'm here to make sure it is or try to "get better" if not?'"

That would be like going to therapy to find it "who's right and who's wrong in the argument." I think he has to decide for himself that he wants to develop some more independence, and tell the therapist that's what he wants. But then, part of developing independence is deciding for yourself what you'll say. So I suggest not telling him what to say, even if he asks. I would just tell him, "You're getting therapy for yourself and your own benefit, so it is up to you what to say."

Deciding upon what goals he wants to reach is a good idea. The therapist is likely to ask him what he hopes to gain from therapy. But again, he should answer that question exclusively from his own mind and mouth. You have to trust him to want a healthy relationship with you. If he does, then at least he'll say that to the therapist. And, the therapist will probably ask which areas of the relationship he wants to work on.

Re:
"Is he actually 'healthy' and just really different than me, or even though he feels strong and happy (but also very mono) could he still be in need of help through therapy? What do you imagine he'd get out of it?"

That's between him and the therapist. It is generally said, among polyamorists at least, that it isn't healthy for anyone (even monogamists) to be very dependent on their partner/s. So I think you have due cause to posit that developing more independence is a good goal for him to shoot for in therapy.

That aside, he will probably get things from therapy that neither you nor he could have guessed at. Therapy is a process. The therapist needs to examine his mind to determine what kinds of help he needs.

And he may have other goals in mind too, besides independence. The therapist can help guide him in his thinking from session to session, and he can decide if he wants to adjust his original goals.
 
Back
Top