My partner is going thru a divorce :(

Zammie78

New member
Hello, I have been reading the forum for awhile now and I have gotten AMAZING information. It has helped me so much as this is my first poly relationship. We have been in a relationship for over 6 months and it has been really wonderful. No, problems there. I just found out yesterday that my partner and his wife, both poly for about 5 years, are getting a divorce. To be honest, I am truly distraught over this. I want to reach out to my metamour but I don't know if I should, and how to be there for my boyfriend too ? I have grown to love them SO MUCH, I had no idea that this was possible. I feeling like I am stuck in the mud, so to speak. I am dearly hoping that this makes any sense, I have not been sleeping, crying all those feelings. I am seeking advice, shoulder to cry on or just a good whiskey drinking partner. Trying to inject some humour
 
You say you didn't know this was possible, which I take to mean that you had no idea their marriage was heading to an end. What upsets you more about this - that they are splitting up, or that you were not informed that things were getting to that point?
 
I am upset that they are splitting up. Yes, I had no clue that the marriage is coming to an end. I have come to love and care for them deeply. I want to be there for them but not sure how to balance it.
 
How about...

I am sorry to hear that you two are splitting up. I had no clue that the marriage is coming to an end. I have come to love and care for both of you deeply. I want to be there for each of you but not sure how to balance it. Please let me know what I could do to lighten your load during this transition. Make you dinner, walk the dog, etc.​


Sounds to me like you could say that. Keep it simple. Basically your words with a few tweaks. Only offer stuff you are actually willing to do though. Balance includes you too.

Galagirl
 
Yes, good point. Just feeling a bit lost and unsure. I have looked up to them in some weird way, as poly couple. I know I should not have but they have both helped me so much.
 
Well, people do move on if it feels like that is necessary, whether they are mono or poly. Polyamory is not a more evolved approach to relationships, and relationships can come to an end even if they are great at poly.

Has your boyfriend told you anything about why they are divorcing? It doesn't always mean something went wrong - sometimes it simply is that a relationship or partnership works better for the people involved if it takes a different shape.

See, for myself, I would be upset for them if I had known there was some rockiness, a problem, and that it was coming. But if it was news that came out of the blue, I think I would be more upset that I had let myself get close to someone who had not felt he could confide something so important to me. It would kind of feel like a slap in my face that I didn't matter enough for him to talk to me about it before it came to a final decision to divorce. I would've wanted to be helping him, or them both, to get through it all along, not just after the fact. So, not knowing would make me feel inconsequential to him, and I would be torn about whether to offer anything of myself after that kind of news was just dumped on me. I know that seems self-centered, and I would be as compassionate as I could for him, but not without questioning why I wasn't aware this was about to happen. But that is my take on it. Perhaps it was just as much a surprise to them as it is to you.
 
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I knew that there was some problems but they were working it thru. He hasn't told me the reason behind it but I know he feels like a failure. He is processing everything right now. I think this is where guys have a different way of commincating. They take everything and go into their cave, think, process and then explode. But with me at least, I want to know everything and talk it out right then and there. I know it is not the most healthy thing at times but kill it before it can kill you- is my motto
 
I knew that there was some problems but they were working it thru. He hasn't told me the reason behind it but I know he feels like a failure. He is processing everything right now. I think this is where guys have a different way of commincating. They take everything and go into their cave, think, process and then explode. But with me at least, I want to know everything and talk it out right then and there. I know it is not the most healthy thing at times but kill it before it can kill you- is my motto

Maybe working through the problems led to them deciding it would be best to part ways amicably. Was it messy? No hint from the wife either that this might be coming?

He will talk soon I'm sure. Right now he might be worried he'll make a mess by speaking about it while emotionally reeling from what's happened.
 
The end of any relationship can trigger mourning, and it sounds like that's what you're going through. It doesn't have to be your relationship for you to mourn it, especially if you're close to both of them.

While you're trying to be there for them, make sure you have someone uninvolved who's there for you too.

Are you close to the metamour? Or would it be out of left field for you to ring her up and say you want to be there for her? If you're not already close friends, I would worry about rubbing salt in the wound, reminding her of what she's losing, all that... If you do decide to offer support, make sure you give her a graceful out, so she doesn't feel any obligation...
 
You have hit the nail on the head, SchrodingersCat! It is that I am mourning and I want to talk about it, to help them heal form it, etc etc. I must apologize for earlier, I was all over the place and that is never good. I am going to reach out to my Meta and hoping she will not see it as a threat. I truly only mean good things for the both of them. The split was mutally agreed upon, so it was told to me. I must also point out that, not a lot of information was shared to me. He is currently on a business trip and He really needs to do well in order to keep his job (Or to get promoted) . Truly worst timing ever ! I was a bit of a bottle rocket earlier, sorry, I needed to vent to someone besides the cat and the dog, great listeners when food is around but they don't talk back
~~nycindie Your words are ringing very true with me and I thank you. Now, I need to write a lot of stuff down and make heads or tails of everything.
 
Update

****Update
I have messaged my metamour. Only problem, is that I did not tell my partner and now he feels betrayed. This was NOT what I had meant to do ! How can I fix this ? How to tell him it wasn't meant to be malice but from a good place. Help !
 
He is especially sensitive right now. However he needs to get over himself and understand that he doesn't act as the gatekeeper to talking to another human being.
 
Don't take sides. And don't take it personally if he is having a wiggy moment right now. Hopefully in time when divorce stuff is not so fresh he will see that you didn't mean harm and get a better grip.

You could say "Look, I didn't mean harm to you. I was dealing with my relationship with her. I can appreciate you having a hard time right now in your relationship with her. Divorce is not fun for anyone. So I will overlook the outburst this time. "

Galagirl
 
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+1 for GG.

I especially love how she turned it around without being aggressive... Just subtly taking it for granted that his freakout is unwarranted and implying that if anyone needs to apologize, it's him, but without actually accusing him of any wrongdoing.

Hmm... Starting to see why he's getting divorced.........
 
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