Hello all,
This is the first time I've ever posted here. I'm new to poly relationships (been dabbling for the last 6 months or so). I'm male and currently married to my amazing wife, who I have known for the last 10 years. The poly relationships we are currently developing are with another M/F couple, who have about 5-6 years of experience functioning as a poly couple. At this time, my wife and the other woman share a full relationship, without any emotional, physical, or sexual restrictions. They are able to express their feelings for each other openly, and have been sexual both in and out of my presence.
My concerns arise due to the nature of my relationship with the woman in the other couple. While the basis for her relationship with my wife is mostly physical attraction, she and I share a VERY strong emotional connection. We have similar backgrounds, similar life stories, and similar personalities. In the 10 years I have spent with my wife up to this point, this is the first time I have felt such a strong connection to another woman, and absolutely the first time I have fostered it and allowed it to grow. I have made it very clear that I am interested in building a relationship with her, and she feels the same towards me.
Over the last 6 months, I have done a lot of personal growth in regards to my self-esteem and confidence, which has really helped me to be open to my wife being involved in relationships with other people. At this point, I am open to my wife being in a relationship with the man in this couple. They are both very clearly attracted to each other, and they have both stated they would like to pursue such a relationship. But here's the problem: the man in the other couple has never before been open to his wife being physically involved with another man.
In the 5 years of experience they have so far, all of their poly relationships were with other women. He claims that this is the first time he has ever even seriously considered the possibility of opening their relationship to male partners, and that me being who I am is the impetus behind that. He knows that his wife is very interested in me, and I her, and he states he wants to get to a point where is comfortable with the idea. He is demonstrating this through open discussion with the 3 of us, reading poly literature, and has recently begun meeting with a poly-friendly therapist to try and work through the block he has. I honestly do believe that he is doing his best to make this work.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it...), the 4 of us were spending time together a couple of weeks ago and we all had a bit much to drink. As per usual, my wife and the other woman were fooling around and he and I were enjoying the show. Also as per usual, she and I flirted, as did he and my wife. But then suddenly, completely unexpectedly, he suggests that we all go upstairs to their bedroom. He walks up next to me and says "I'm trying to get to a place where I am comfortable with you and she kissing. Would you be ok if that's all that happens tonight?" I agreed and told him that whatever he was okay with is what I was okay with. We proceeded upstairs and she and I started kissing. Being severely intoxicated and with months of pent up lust, it was a very passionate encounter and I recall enjoying it very much. However, in the midst of the 4 of us all interacting, her shirt came down (by no act of mine) and exposed her breasts. He immediately became agitated and got out of the bed. He said "I'm not ready for this. I'm sorry." and started to get his things together to leave the room. In the aftermath, his wife was left sobbing while my wife tried to console her, and I simply sat on the bed in utter confusion and despair. Suffice to say, this was not how I imagined our initial sexual encounter going... I later found out that he had thought I was the one who had removed her shirt, causing him to feel intense anger towards his wife for allowing that to happen, as well as anger at me for, seemingly, betraying his trust.
We have talked about what happened, made it past that misstep, and have been enjoying each other's company regularly over the last couple of weeks. The 4 of us have gone on a date together, and we continue to talk daily, both as a group and individually. Luckily, that moment of confusion did not derail our relationship or friendship.
Long story short, I am feeling very conflicted right now. Being new to the poly lifestyle, I have been doing some reading of my own (starting with More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert) and have seen multiple references to things that "do not work" in poly relationships. One of the main offenders appears to be this idea of control or "veto" power in deciding how and when your partner is able to interact with other partners. I can see the damage this is causing for us, but I know that none of us will be comfortable furthering these relationships (my wife and he, his wife and I) until he is able to overcome this mental block he has...
My feelings for her continue to grow and we talk on a daily basis. I can't just "hit pause" and stop the relationship from developing. I want to tell her how I feel about her and put it all out there, but I'm terrified that in doing so, I will upset this delicate balance we have all struck. I want to be patient and see this through, but I worry that if I don't speak up now and tell her how I feel, she will think that my feelings have changed. I want to be honest with her. I see her at least twice a week when we work out together, and we typically spend a couple of evenings together every month as a group.
Any suggestions/advice/wisdom/experiences you would be willing to share that might help me to sort this all out would be greatly appreciated. As I mentioned, I am new to this, and not sure of where to go from here. Thank you in advance.
This is the first time I've ever posted here. I'm new to poly relationships (been dabbling for the last 6 months or so). I'm male and currently married to my amazing wife, who I have known for the last 10 years. The poly relationships we are currently developing are with another M/F couple, who have about 5-6 years of experience functioning as a poly couple. At this time, my wife and the other woman share a full relationship, without any emotional, physical, or sexual restrictions. They are able to express their feelings for each other openly, and have been sexual both in and out of my presence.
My concerns arise due to the nature of my relationship with the woman in the other couple. While the basis for her relationship with my wife is mostly physical attraction, she and I share a VERY strong emotional connection. We have similar backgrounds, similar life stories, and similar personalities. In the 10 years I have spent with my wife up to this point, this is the first time I have felt such a strong connection to another woman, and absolutely the first time I have fostered it and allowed it to grow. I have made it very clear that I am interested in building a relationship with her, and she feels the same towards me.
Over the last 6 months, I have done a lot of personal growth in regards to my self-esteem and confidence, which has really helped me to be open to my wife being involved in relationships with other people. At this point, I am open to my wife being in a relationship with the man in this couple. They are both very clearly attracted to each other, and they have both stated they would like to pursue such a relationship. But here's the problem: the man in the other couple has never before been open to his wife being physically involved with another man.
In the 5 years of experience they have so far, all of their poly relationships were with other women. He claims that this is the first time he has ever even seriously considered the possibility of opening their relationship to male partners, and that me being who I am is the impetus behind that. He knows that his wife is very interested in me, and I her, and he states he wants to get to a point where is comfortable with the idea. He is demonstrating this through open discussion with the 3 of us, reading poly literature, and has recently begun meeting with a poly-friendly therapist to try and work through the block he has. I honestly do believe that he is doing his best to make this work.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it...), the 4 of us were spending time together a couple of weeks ago and we all had a bit much to drink. As per usual, my wife and the other woman were fooling around and he and I were enjoying the show. Also as per usual, she and I flirted, as did he and my wife. But then suddenly, completely unexpectedly, he suggests that we all go upstairs to their bedroom. He walks up next to me and says "I'm trying to get to a place where I am comfortable with you and she kissing. Would you be ok if that's all that happens tonight?" I agreed and told him that whatever he was okay with is what I was okay with. We proceeded upstairs and she and I started kissing. Being severely intoxicated and with months of pent up lust, it was a very passionate encounter and I recall enjoying it very much. However, in the midst of the 4 of us all interacting, her shirt came down (by no act of mine) and exposed her breasts. He immediately became agitated and got out of the bed. He said "I'm not ready for this. I'm sorry." and started to get his things together to leave the room. In the aftermath, his wife was left sobbing while my wife tried to console her, and I simply sat on the bed in utter confusion and despair. Suffice to say, this was not how I imagined our initial sexual encounter going... I later found out that he had thought I was the one who had removed her shirt, causing him to feel intense anger towards his wife for allowing that to happen, as well as anger at me for, seemingly, betraying his trust.
We have talked about what happened, made it past that misstep, and have been enjoying each other's company regularly over the last couple of weeks. The 4 of us have gone on a date together, and we continue to talk daily, both as a group and individually. Luckily, that moment of confusion did not derail our relationship or friendship.
Long story short, I am feeling very conflicted right now. Being new to the poly lifestyle, I have been doing some reading of my own (starting with More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert) and have seen multiple references to things that "do not work" in poly relationships. One of the main offenders appears to be this idea of control or "veto" power in deciding how and when your partner is able to interact with other partners. I can see the damage this is causing for us, but I know that none of us will be comfortable furthering these relationships (my wife and he, his wife and I) until he is able to overcome this mental block he has...
My feelings for her continue to grow and we talk on a daily basis. I can't just "hit pause" and stop the relationship from developing. I want to tell her how I feel about her and put it all out there, but I'm terrified that in doing so, I will upset this delicate balance we have all struck. I want to be patient and see this through, but I worry that if I don't speak up now and tell her how I feel, she will think that my feelings have changed. I want to be honest with her. I see her at least twice a week when we work out together, and we typically spend a couple of evenings together every month as a group.
Any suggestions/advice/wisdom/experiences you would be willing to share that might help me to sort this all out would be greatly appreciated. As I mentioned, I am new to this, and not sure of where to go from here. Thank you in advance.