Pregnancy vs. NRE

Arabella

New member
Hello all, I've been around before, took a break for a bit, and now need to come here for more support. :) Sorry if this is a bit long, but I need to get all this out, and I don't wanna keep throwing it on my hubby all the time, especially when it's just kind of reporting the weather, instead of asking him to really do anything about it. I put a TL:DR at the end.

My question is, does anyone have any stories or anecdotes (positive or negative) about dealing with pregnancy and the pregnant woman's partner's NRE with someone else? I'm having a (probably hormonal) moment and sort of awefulizing the future in wondering how this could possibly work out well for all involved.

Quick background: The hubby and I have been poly for about 4 years now. This last year we went through a kind of rough time (with life in general, not each other) and neither of us were with any of our partners physically, and had limited communication/connection with them, both through our own choices. We just weren't feeling it, so to speak. This January, we decided we'd finally try for our second child together. We've been batting the idea around for a few years now, but had some major financial issues to work on (part of why we hadn't felt like connecting with other people that year). We've run into a few issues timing conception sex with his new, budding relationship (every sperm is sacred! heh) and we've kind of missed the mark for 4 months now, and since I'm over 35, it might be an issue... but for later.

The beginning of this year, DH was starting to feel an urge to connect with a new partner, but not very strongly until he ran into an old mutual acquaintance (S) at the movie theater. I supported and encouraged, knowing that he still has trouble forming deep connections with people that aren't just physical, and wanted to allow him to explore that now that he's a bit more of a seasoned poly-person (has had about 4 relationships these past 4 years). I was a little concerned with us doing the baby dance at the same time he's starting a new thing, but we've had excellent communication during this whole thing, so that's good.

So they hit it off, she's a divorcee with an (8? 10?) year old son, and used to be part of our social circle about 10-15 years ago, and things have been going well. Very well, actually. The increased need for intercourse due to baby making, as well as DH's renewed desire to make sure everything runs smoothly, and both of us needing fun reconnection time after his dates outside of doing the baby dance, has been... just wonderful. We're closer than we've ever been before, right while he's in the middle of his NRE with S. I'm happy, he seems happy and grateful for my support, and from what he tells me of her, she seems over the moon with him, too. They've been involved for about 8 weeks, now. She knew us both before when we kind of started thinking about exploring swinging, but never did.

Now, the issue: In our history, when we first started poly, I was seeing a guy Mr. C., who I'm still involved with. DH had a reeeeeallly hard time adjusting at first and asked us to cut off all sexy chat and even seeing each other in person for an indefinite time. I acquiesced, because I didn't really know how to ask for what I need etc. Four months this dragged on, and it almost felt like he wanted us to hide our relationship/pretend it doesn't exist, which kind of killed the passion and NRE with Mr. C., and although we have a nice relationship now, I still have a little resentment towards DH for kind of stomping all over my NRE. But I want to always lead by example, so I encourage his NREs with people while still honoring my own feelings. Suffice it to say, squashing anyone's NRE is a big, bad thing for me.

How do I manage my emotions, my needs, with the pregnancy hormones raging (if we do get pregnant soon, fingers crossed!) without "stomping all over" his NRE? I'm so afraid I will do this, I'm so afraid that I will say things like, no, I need you NOW, and I need you to spend ALL the time with me. Because pregnant. I'm good about not getting my needs stomped on, and DH can sometimes be a doormat or martyr about things, and sometimes that ends in him resenting me because he feels guilty about speaking up for his needs. I know, these are his things to be managing, but MY relationship/marriage suffers when he boils over with feeling stepped on, and he tends to lash out hurtfully. So we try to work together on him being kind to himself, respectfully stating his needs, etc.

Honestly, things are better than every before, on many fronts. I have my best friend in DH back finally, my relationship with Mr. C. is nice and comfortable, and S seems so happy with DH, even though she's new to poly. Does this ever work out well? S, my metamour and I know each other, but we don't have any sort of relationship (unless you count liking each other's Facebook posts of our respective children) since she left our social circle about 10 years ago. She feels any kind of relationship would be weird right now, and I totally respect that but am also open to at least being friends if she ever broaches the subject. The last time we even saw each other was at a friends wedding 5 years ago, during which time we actually spent the majority of it talking only with each other. Basically, she's not a stranger, and has always shown great respect for the relationship between me and DH. I'm so so so concerned with her feeling like an expendable component here, and wish I could tell her how comfortable I'd be with merging our families, etc. But I know that's too fast for her and probably overwhelming, so I just have to sit on my hands and contain my excitement for a rosy future until she's ready (if ever) to be in more contact with me. But I really don't want her to feel like, oh, Arabella's pregnant, there goes my lover for good now. She's been pregnant before, she remembers how it goes. I know I would have to wait until she expresses that she even feels that way, but A) she won't express it to me, and I don't exactly trust DH to tell of this, not wanting to make me anxious, and B) she's a bit of an emotional martyr herself, from what I remember and how DH relates it to me.

TL:DR: Trying to get pregnant, and worried about the emotional pressure I'm likely to put on my husband's new relationship and don't want to inhibit their NRE. Wondering if anyone has any success stories (or advice!) about managing their own (or their partner's) needs during pregnancy and poly.
 
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We've run into a few issues timing conception sex with his new, budding relationship (every sperm is sacred! heh) and we've kind of missed the mark for 4 months now, and since I'm over 35, it might be an issue...

Well, you're worrying about solving a puzzle for which you don't yet have all the pieces, so there's a lot in your post that you just do not need to take on as your responsibility - but to this part I want to clarify that you're fertile only 2 or 3 days in a month, so you don't need to claim his "sacred sperm" or even have sex with him more than a few times per month to get pregnant. Of course, you'll likely want more than that for intimacy, but to ease your practical concerns, one or two well timed "unions" will be all that could be of possible use in a month anyway. If you know your body's fertility signs, you can hit the pregnancy target pretty accurately, assuming there are no other physical obstacles. I got preg at 39 & 41 within three months each time, paying close attention to the fertility signs.
 
One of my pet peeves is how people talk about NRE, like it's this unavoidable thing with a life of its own. Not a criticism, but I just cannot relate to it. The beginning stages of a relationship isn't like that for everyone. And besides, even if a person is head over heels in euphoria, we all still have common sense, responsibilities, and choices to make. I guess I just don't experience NRE the way you describe, so I kind of feel like you're worrying for nothing over preserving something that is different for everyone. Some people hate the NRE stage.

Beyond that, I don't see why you can't sit down with hubby and tell him, "You know I am thrilled about you and S, but I am also a little concerned about how our pregnancy will affect her,and your relationship with her. Can we talk about how we are going to handle the fact that I am going to need you here with me much more often when the baby is born, and what we can do to make sure she won't feel slighted?" And ask him if she would want to be part of the convo.
 
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Thanks, HappilyFallenAngel. Yeah, we've been charting things for a few months, it just so happened that the past two months, the only times their schedules allowed them to see each other and have physical intimacy with each other both happened during my fertile window. We do the baby dance anyway, but when you're trying hard to get pregnant and it doesn't happen immediately, your mind starts finding all the tiny reasons to pin it on.

Thanks for your info. It's reassuring to know that 35 isn't like, the death of fertility for ever and ever.

nycindie,

Now that you mention it, I have had a few relationships where it wasn't OMGITHINKTHISPERSONISMYSOULMATE!!! At first sight, where things were just kind of a slow warm up. I just know that DH (and I do, too) gets so exciting and hopeful about everything that it's like he just radiates this energy. This time is different, though, I mean better-different. He's been so present and calm and happy too. I just don't wanna mess that up, whatever it's called.

I think we started to have that conversation, but we didn't put our hearts into it. It went something like this:

Me: (checking my calendar) Pregnancy test this Sunday.
DH: Oh yeah? Cool.
Me: Yeah. Man, what are we gonna do when I get pregnant?
DH: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, how are we gonna work the time commitments so that none of us feel pushed aside?
DH: Oh, that. Yeah, I dunno.
Me: Yeah, me neither. (pause) So what do you wanna do for dinner?


Soooo, yeah. We should probably put aside a few dedicated minutes to this convo. Thanks for putting it in perspective. :)
 
Does your hubby even have any remote idea how much of a time and energy commitment a baby requires? How exhausted you will be? How most couples try to get a relative or friend to stay with them and help out because it's just too much and so draining? How a restful sleep is something new parents rarely ever get? If not, yeah, you def need to sit down and talk at length about it.
 
Some people hate the NRE stage.

Amen! Loathe it. I HATE not feeling like myself or having control over my reactions. (Get a phone call/txt - see it is from NRE focus - heart rate jumps 200% - Grrrr...:rolleyes:) I don't trust ANY of my thoughts, or make any decisions until this part is done (and for quite a while afterwards in case it isn't out of my system yet :cool:).

As to the rest...can't really help - as I never had a successful pregnancy. MrS and I were trying to conceive when Dude came into the picture - but I was the hinge person and had all of the attention of BOTH of them for the few weeks I was pregnant before my last pregnancy failed (Lotus was not in the picture at that point - although I think I would have had her support as well).
 
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Does your hubby even have any remote idea how much of a time and energy commitment a baby requires? How exhausted you will be? How most couples try to get a relative or friend to stay with them and help out because it's just too much and so draining? How a restful sleep is something new parents rarely ever get? If not, yeah, you def need to sit down and talk at length about it.

Well, presumably he does since this is their potential SECOND child...unless their FIRST child is the bio kid of one but not the other - which isn't mentioned in the original post.
 
Yes, we had our son together 6 years ago, but the 2nd half of the pregnancy had me in the hospital for about 3 months, so he was home alone and visited for a few hours a day. We were both scared (none of the bad stuff ever happened, yay!) and pretty much in our own heads with all the scary things that could happen while I was admitted in to my hospital room, that we didn't really go through the second half of pregnancy together. I don't know what being 8 months pregnant married to him, poly, and able-bodied (I was confined to very strict bed rest in the maternity ward for those months. Like, don't even sit up beyond a 30 degree angle) would even look like. That scares me.

And I think that's really what I'm looking at right now, the 9 months of pregnancy. After that... I'm pretty confident he'll/we'll adapt to the time needed. He's very much a loving, involved parent with our son and always wanted more children. So on the parenting front, I know he'll step up, and I know we'll be able to work through the bumps. S has been there before, I'm pretty confident the three of us can find a comfortable place to be post-partum and beyond. DH and I have very supportive family on both sides who live very nearby so I know as bad as sleep-deprivation gets, we do have ample support whom we trust.

I just wanna avoid panicking during pregnancy and trying to pull the choke chain on DH because that's not the kind of person I wanna be anyway, but I know I will be influenced by those crazy pregnancy hormones. I'm scared I won't be able to tell the difference between what I REALLY need, and what's really just a knee-jerk fear kind of necessity.

JaneQ, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. It's really good to hear that you had so much support, though!
 
Sounds like you need to expand your personal support network for this pregnancy. Your husband will be there, of course, but it doesn't sound like he'll have 100%. And where does Mr. C fit into this? He won't be the dad, but he'll have a pregnant girlfriend. Is he prepared for the consequences of that? Perhaps he'd be willing to step in as hormone soother sometimes when hubby's doing his thing?
 
Of course! I didn't really realize that I have that kind of support Mr. C. He and his wife are childless, but looking to start a family soon. Mr. C works with children and very much wants to have kids. I don't want to alienate his wife, but I suppose it can't hurt to talk to him and invite him to be (more) involved with me during my pregnancy. Or at least, to find out where his and his wife's comfort levels are regarding that. He's my lover, but he's also a long-time friend, so that's good.

GREAT UPDATE!! Much compersion!

DH and I are musicians, and DH is the lead singer in a rock/blues band. They had a show tonight, and he finally felt comfortable enough to invite S. She declined the first invitation but finally worked up the courage to come to tonight's show. She had supposedly told him she was feeling guilty and worried that I might be critical and not approve of her and was scared to see me. Silly girl.

After a little awkward chit chat, we fell back into reminiscing over when we all first met, which was through DH's other band over 15 years ago. And with a little alcohol to loosen us up, the 5 of us (me and my girlfriend K, S and her friend that came with her, and DH) were having a ball at the bar after the show, tons of laughing, joking and friendly touching going on, food and drinks for everyone. At the end of the night, DH asked if it would be okay if he went home with S. I had already brought up the subject the night before, seeing that things might go that way, and also knowing that my girlfriend K wanted to spend some time with me that night.

So with a hug and a kiss on the cheek for each of them, I told DH and S to have fun tonight and really meant it. S and I sent a few texts back and forth as we both went home (she reached out to me first, and was happy that she still had my phone number from over a decade ago! Yay!) and I encouraged her to be open about making sure her needs are being met and that I would do the same and she expressed how much she missed being friends with me. We knew her through her own husband so when they split up, she kind of lost all of us in the divorce.

I'm really excited now, for the future, knowing that S not only is open to communicating directly with me but actually wants to rekindle our friendship! This is starting to look like one of the best versions of our polyship that I could have envisioned.

:D:D:D
 
Sounds great!

One other point that occurred to me reading your posts, specifically about trying to get pregnant and the potential "shortage" of swimmers...

I remember watching a documentary a while ago, which said that whenever a mating pair (of humans) spend a short period of time (few days) apart, the male's body responds by kicking up sperm production. Competition and all that. So maybe one strategy you could employ along with tracking your fertility is, a few days before you're due to ovulate, you spend some extra time with Mr C and K, out of hubby's sight... and when you come back, his testes will assume you've been doing all kinds of mating, and they'll do their part to make sure his genes are passed on...
 
Hi Arabella,

The others have given good advice and I couldn't think of many suggestions, but I suppose the thing to do is to tell DH that you need him to be responsible for his own needs during the pregnancy and to speak up for them so that your hormones won't deceive you. Perhaps you could even give the same advice to S?

That's the best I could think of for now,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you!

Yes, thank you kdt! Excellent advice and a great starting point for our next check-in with each other.

Thank you, SchrodingersCat, this makes total sense as, I've always noticed DH's eagerness to "reclaim" me after I've been out with Mr. C. Or K, for that matter. Maybe this will finally do the trick!

I'm so happy that they're really falling for each other. Cautiously optimistic about everything.
 
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As you requested, kdt, there are many updates.

Turns out I DID get pregnant! We were excited for a week, DH and his lover S had some talks, and then S reached out to me and scheduled a play date for our kids and us mommies. Then, the day before our playdate, I started suffering from an early miscarriage. It's been rough, these past few days, as I'm still technically miscarrying, so that's sad and emotionally and physically painful, but things have just been so.... so good, with everyone.

S and I have talked on the phone a bunch, and now she texts me daily almost as much as she does DH. I keep reminding her that she's under no obligation to keep me happy with friendship just to hold on to DH, but she assures me she just misses our friendship, and I really believe her. She sends me emails about things our kids can do together, despite their age difference, and our kids, both boys, get along too! I'm in a very happy/very sad bubble right now. While the loss of a pregnancy, even at this early stage is tragic, we now have the opportunity to decide to enter into another pregnancy as a sort of triad? She really puts effort into our relationship, and I so appreciate that, even though it wasn't necessary.

DH and S have a date Friday night, where I helped DH pick out a fancy restaurant to take her to while he helped me plan a mother-son date night for me and my son while he's out, which I'm sure we'll both enjoy.

Plus, S is an registered nurse, so it's nice to have a medical professional so close to me while going through this, and nice that DH has someone to go to for comfort on this loss as well, and it's someone I feel very comfortable with him sharing personal details about us to.

Still haven't had that talk with her yet, but we're all working up to it. And we have more time now, as we have to rest from trying to conceive for a month or so.
 
Hi Arabella, sorry to hear about your miscarriage. :( Sounds like you have a lot of support from DH and S; I'm sure that is a comfort.
 
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