Arabella
New member
Hello all, I've been around before, took a break for a bit, and now need to come here for more support. Sorry if this is a bit long, but I need to get all this out, and I don't wanna keep throwing it on my hubby all the time, especially when it's just kind of reporting the weather, instead of asking him to really do anything about it. I put a TLR at the end.
My question is, does anyone have any stories or anecdotes (positive or negative) about dealing with pregnancy and the pregnant woman's partner's NRE with someone else? I'm having a (probably hormonal) moment and sort of awefulizing the future in wondering how this could possibly work out well for all involved.
Quick background: The hubby and I have been poly for about 4 years now. This last year we went through a kind of rough time (with life in general, not each other) and neither of us were with any of our partners physically, and had limited communication/connection with them, both through our own choices. We just weren't feeling it, so to speak. This January, we decided we'd finally try for our second child together. We've been batting the idea around for a few years now, but had some major financial issues to work on (part of why we hadn't felt like connecting with other people that year). We've run into a few issues timing conception sex with his new, budding relationship (every sperm is sacred! heh) and we've kind of missed the mark for 4 months now, and since I'm over 35, it might be an issue... but for later.
The beginning of this year, DH was starting to feel an urge to connect with a new partner, but not very strongly until he ran into an old mutual acquaintance (S) at the movie theater. I supported and encouraged, knowing that he still has trouble forming deep connections with people that aren't just physical, and wanted to allow him to explore that now that he's a bit more of a seasoned poly-person (has had about 4 relationships these past 4 years). I was a little concerned with us doing the baby dance at the same time he's starting a new thing, but we've had excellent communication during this whole thing, so that's good.
So they hit it off, she's a divorcee with an (8? 10?) year old son, and used to be part of our social circle about 10-15 years ago, and things have been going well. Very well, actually. The increased need for intercourse due to baby making, as well as DH's renewed desire to make sure everything runs smoothly, and both of us needing fun reconnection time after his dates outside of doing the baby dance, has been... just wonderful. We're closer than we've ever been before, right while he's in the middle of his NRE with S. I'm happy, he seems happy and grateful for my support, and from what he tells me of her, she seems over the moon with him, too. They've been involved for about 8 weeks, now. She knew us both before when we kind of started thinking about exploring swinging, but never did.
Now, the issue: In our history, when we first started poly, I was seeing a guy Mr. C., who I'm still involved with. DH had a reeeeeallly hard time adjusting at first and asked us to cut off all sexy chat and even seeing each other in person for an indefinite time. I acquiesced, because I didn't really know how to ask for what I need etc. Four months this dragged on, and it almost felt like he wanted us to hide our relationship/pretend it doesn't exist, which kind of killed the passion and NRE with Mr. C., and although we have a nice relationship now, I still have a little resentment towards DH for kind of stomping all over my NRE. But I want to always lead by example, so I encourage his NREs with people while still honoring my own feelings. Suffice it to say, squashing anyone's NRE is a big, bad thing for me.
How do I manage my emotions, my needs, with the pregnancy hormones raging (if we do get pregnant soon, fingers crossed!) without "stomping all over" his NRE? I'm so afraid I will do this, I'm so afraid that I will say things like, no, I need you NOW, and I need you to spend ALL the time with me. Because pregnant. I'm good about not getting my needs stomped on, and DH can sometimes be a doormat or martyr about things, and sometimes that ends in him resenting me because he feels guilty about speaking up for his needs. I know, these are his things to be managing, but MY relationship/marriage suffers when he boils over with feeling stepped on, and he tends to lash out hurtfully. So we try to work together on him being kind to himself, respectfully stating his needs, etc.
Honestly, things are better than every before, on many fronts. I have my best friend in DH back finally, my relationship with Mr. C. is nice and comfortable, and S seems so happy with DH, even though she's new to poly. Does this ever work out well? S, my metamour and I know each other, but we don't have any sort of relationship (unless you count liking each other's Facebook posts of our respective children) since she left our social circle about 10 years ago. She feels any kind of relationship would be weird right now, and I totally respect that but am also open to at least being friends if she ever broaches the subject. The last time we even saw each other was at a friends wedding 5 years ago, during which time we actually spent the majority of it talking only with each other. Basically, she's not a stranger, and has always shown great respect for the relationship between me and DH. I'm so so so concerned with her feeling like an expendable component here, and wish I could tell her how comfortable I'd be with merging our families, etc. But I know that's too fast for her and probably overwhelming, so I just have to sit on my hands and contain my excitement for a rosy future until she's ready (if ever) to be in more contact with me. But I really don't want her to feel like, oh, Arabella's pregnant, there goes my lover for good now. She's been pregnant before, she remembers how it goes. I know I would have to wait until she expresses that she even feels that way, but A) she won't express it to me, and I don't exactly trust DH to tell of this, not wanting to make me anxious, and B) she's a bit of an emotional martyr herself, from what I remember and how DH relates it to me.
TLR: Trying to get pregnant, and worried about the emotional pressure I'm likely to put on my husband's new relationship and don't want to inhibit their NRE. Wondering if anyone has any success stories (or advice!) about managing their own (or their partner's) needs during pregnancy and poly.
My question is, does anyone have any stories or anecdotes (positive or negative) about dealing with pregnancy and the pregnant woman's partner's NRE with someone else? I'm having a (probably hormonal) moment and sort of awefulizing the future in wondering how this could possibly work out well for all involved.
Quick background: The hubby and I have been poly for about 4 years now. This last year we went through a kind of rough time (with life in general, not each other) and neither of us were with any of our partners physically, and had limited communication/connection with them, both through our own choices. We just weren't feeling it, so to speak. This January, we decided we'd finally try for our second child together. We've been batting the idea around for a few years now, but had some major financial issues to work on (part of why we hadn't felt like connecting with other people that year). We've run into a few issues timing conception sex with his new, budding relationship (every sperm is sacred! heh) and we've kind of missed the mark for 4 months now, and since I'm over 35, it might be an issue... but for later.
The beginning of this year, DH was starting to feel an urge to connect with a new partner, but not very strongly until he ran into an old mutual acquaintance (S) at the movie theater. I supported and encouraged, knowing that he still has trouble forming deep connections with people that aren't just physical, and wanted to allow him to explore that now that he's a bit more of a seasoned poly-person (has had about 4 relationships these past 4 years). I was a little concerned with us doing the baby dance at the same time he's starting a new thing, but we've had excellent communication during this whole thing, so that's good.
So they hit it off, she's a divorcee with an (8? 10?) year old son, and used to be part of our social circle about 10-15 years ago, and things have been going well. Very well, actually. The increased need for intercourse due to baby making, as well as DH's renewed desire to make sure everything runs smoothly, and both of us needing fun reconnection time after his dates outside of doing the baby dance, has been... just wonderful. We're closer than we've ever been before, right while he's in the middle of his NRE with S. I'm happy, he seems happy and grateful for my support, and from what he tells me of her, she seems over the moon with him, too. They've been involved for about 8 weeks, now. She knew us both before when we kind of started thinking about exploring swinging, but never did.
Now, the issue: In our history, when we first started poly, I was seeing a guy Mr. C., who I'm still involved with. DH had a reeeeeallly hard time adjusting at first and asked us to cut off all sexy chat and even seeing each other in person for an indefinite time. I acquiesced, because I didn't really know how to ask for what I need etc. Four months this dragged on, and it almost felt like he wanted us to hide our relationship/pretend it doesn't exist, which kind of killed the passion and NRE with Mr. C., and although we have a nice relationship now, I still have a little resentment towards DH for kind of stomping all over my NRE. But I want to always lead by example, so I encourage his NREs with people while still honoring my own feelings. Suffice it to say, squashing anyone's NRE is a big, bad thing for me.
How do I manage my emotions, my needs, with the pregnancy hormones raging (if we do get pregnant soon, fingers crossed!) without "stomping all over" his NRE? I'm so afraid I will do this, I'm so afraid that I will say things like, no, I need you NOW, and I need you to spend ALL the time with me. Because pregnant. I'm good about not getting my needs stomped on, and DH can sometimes be a doormat or martyr about things, and sometimes that ends in him resenting me because he feels guilty about speaking up for his needs. I know, these are his things to be managing, but MY relationship/marriage suffers when he boils over with feeling stepped on, and he tends to lash out hurtfully. So we try to work together on him being kind to himself, respectfully stating his needs, etc.
Honestly, things are better than every before, on many fronts. I have my best friend in DH back finally, my relationship with Mr. C. is nice and comfortable, and S seems so happy with DH, even though she's new to poly. Does this ever work out well? S, my metamour and I know each other, but we don't have any sort of relationship (unless you count liking each other's Facebook posts of our respective children) since she left our social circle about 10 years ago. She feels any kind of relationship would be weird right now, and I totally respect that but am also open to at least being friends if she ever broaches the subject. The last time we even saw each other was at a friends wedding 5 years ago, during which time we actually spent the majority of it talking only with each other. Basically, she's not a stranger, and has always shown great respect for the relationship between me and DH. I'm so so so concerned with her feeling like an expendable component here, and wish I could tell her how comfortable I'd be with merging our families, etc. But I know that's too fast for her and probably overwhelming, so I just have to sit on my hands and contain my excitement for a rosy future until she's ready (if ever) to be in more contact with me. But I really don't want her to feel like, oh, Arabella's pregnant, there goes my lover for good now. She's been pregnant before, she remembers how it goes. I know I would have to wait until she expresses that she even feels that way, but A) she won't express it to me, and I don't exactly trust DH to tell of this, not wanting to make me anxious, and B) she's a bit of an emotional martyr herself, from what I remember and how DH relates it to me.
TLR: Trying to get pregnant, and worried about the emotional pressure I'm likely to put on my husband's new relationship and don't want to inhibit their NRE. Wondering if anyone has any success stories (or advice!) about managing their own (or their partner's) needs during pregnancy and poly.
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