eggishmage
New member
OK, so here's the sitch. I've been in a committed relationship with my fiancee for 7 years. We have two kids together, shared responsibilities and all that real life stuff. We rely on each other financially and for emotional support. Long story short, there has been some distance between us the last few months which ended with her slipping and things happened with her and another guy that she had fallen for. This was at the beginning of March. I figured out something was wrong and managed to pull it out of her. We talked a lot and hurt a lot, but eventually came up with polyamory as perhaps the cause of all of it. We dug into it, I read a lot, and it made a lot of sense to me, based on what I know of her, and her past.
So we agreed to give it a shot. I've been doing a lot of work trying to wrap my head around all of it. And we've been trying to be more open and honest with each other. Going through all the typical am I not enough stuff, I don't really believe that I'm not enough, I believe her when she says she still wants to be with me even though there's someone else. I guess those aren't the issues, even though they still crop up sometimes.
I'm a bit of a loner, she's a bit of an extrovert. Not extremely, but definitely in comparison to me. And this is where it gets confusing. We've always had a way of doing things. She likes going out to hang out with friends every other weekend when they have shared time off. I've never had any issue with that, I've been content to let her go whenever she wants as long as she doesn't start neglecting her familial duties, and I'm pretty fine with spending nights by myself, watching stupid movies she's not interested in and working on my art. I have no problem being alone with myself. I don't really feel I have self esteem issues, I like who I am for the most part, I like what I do. And this is going to be exactly the same. This new guy is one of the people she'd been hanging out with. She's going out the exact same days, nothing is really changing at all save that it's going to be more than just friends stuff. So why am I suddenly having so much trouble with it?
I am having troubles with this for reasons I don't fully understand, especially with the date fast approaching where things are going to go all the way with her new partner. I don't understand why it's bothering me as much as it is. I felt gutted and hurt when she told me it was going to happen. And it just kind of feels like all the work I've done up to this point has sunk down the drain and I'm back to how I felt at the start.
I don't really have anyone else I hang out with or confide in apart from her, mostly because I don't really desire it. When we met, I was content being by myself and doing my own thing. I don't have any problem with friends or such, I just find it all kind of exhausting. But with her it was different, i have no problem being around her, and she's actually pretty much everything I would look for in a human, she really is all I really want. This bothers her in some ways, she feels that if she were ever to leave I'd be screwed. And she feels guilty that I'm not the same thing for her even though I assure her that it's ok, and that I do understand, even though it's tough sometimes. And I don't feel I'd be screwed if she left. It would be pretty devastating, but I feel I'd eventually deal and move on if that ever happened, and probably revert to my hermit like ways.
I've been reading about co dependence and all of that, and I don't think I am. I don't feel I am even though sometimes it might seem that way. I'm very passionate about her though, and very determined to make this work, and I guess that might sometimes come off as desperation and clingyness, but I just want to keep it going because I feel like there's no reason something like this should ultimately split us apart. I feel there's still a lot of joy and adventures for us to experience together. But I don't know, do I sound codependent?
I think the biggest issue for me is that the more we talked, the more came out. She confessed that pretty much our entire relationship, she'd had crushes on other people, some so intense that they sent her into depressive states because she felt horrible about herself for being with me, and feeling these things for others. It didn't really hurt to hear, and I assured her it was ok, and that I wished she'd told me, because I would have understood. But the problem with it all, is that I never once saw any of it coming. When I looked at her I was sure that I had eyes for no one else, and she assured me she felt the same. And she did, except there was a but...and that but is hard to overcome after 7 years of thinking things were a certain way when it turns out it wasn't. It almost feels as if I looked away for a second, and when I looked back, everything I thought I knew had been pulled out from under me. And it wouldn't have mattered I find. if she'd known from the start that she was poly, I still would have jumped in. I don't really have a problem with it. It's just hard to reconcile these feelings, I don't really know what they mean. I feel like it's not as simple as poly for me. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of something that I thought I knew but I guess never was.
I don't know, maybe I just haven't had enough time. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, just some thoughts from people familiar with all of it I suppose. Can this work? Impressions in general? Anything I could think about could be helpful. Sorry about the novel, my head is a big mess of competing issues, all tied together in intricate ways. It's very hard to make sense of.
So we agreed to give it a shot. I've been doing a lot of work trying to wrap my head around all of it. And we've been trying to be more open and honest with each other. Going through all the typical am I not enough stuff, I don't really believe that I'm not enough, I believe her when she says she still wants to be with me even though there's someone else. I guess those aren't the issues, even though they still crop up sometimes.
I'm a bit of a loner, she's a bit of an extrovert. Not extremely, but definitely in comparison to me. And this is where it gets confusing. We've always had a way of doing things. She likes going out to hang out with friends every other weekend when they have shared time off. I've never had any issue with that, I've been content to let her go whenever she wants as long as she doesn't start neglecting her familial duties, and I'm pretty fine with spending nights by myself, watching stupid movies she's not interested in and working on my art. I have no problem being alone with myself. I don't really feel I have self esteem issues, I like who I am for the most part, I like what I do. And this is going to be exactly the same. This new guy is one of the people she'd been hanging out with. She's going out the exact same days, nothing is really changing at all save that it's going to be more than just friends stuff. So why am I suddenly having so much trouble with it?
I am having troubles with this for reasons I don't fully understand, especially with the date fast approaching where things are going to go all the way with her new partner. I don't understand why it's bothering me as much as it is. I felt gutted and hurt when she told me it was going to happen. And it just kind of feels like all the work I've done up to this point has sunk down the drain and I'm back to how I felt at the start.
I don't really have anyone else I hang out with or confide in apart from her, mostly because I don't really desire it. When we met, I was content being by myself and doing my own thing. I don't have any problem with friends or such, I just find it all kind of exhausting. But with her it was different, i have no problem being around her, and she's actually pretty much everything I would look for in a human, she really is all I really want. This bothers her in some ways, she feels that if she were ever to leave I'd be screwed. And she feels guilty that I'm not the same thing for her even though I assure her that it's ok, and that I do understand, even though it's tough sometimes. And I don't feel I'd be screwed if she left. It would be pretty devastating, but I feel I'd eventually deal and move on if that ever happened, and probably revert to my hermit like ways.
I've been reading about co dependence and all of that, and I don't think I am. I don't feel I am even though sometimes it might seem that way. I'm very passionate about her though, and very determined to make this work, and I guess that might sometimes come off as desperation and clingyness, but I just want to keep it going because I feel like there's no reason something like this should ultimately split us apart. I feel there's still a lot of joy and adventures for us to experience together. But I don't know, do I sound codependent?
I think the biggest issue for me is that the more we talked, the more came out. She confessed that pretty much our entire relationship, she'd had crushes on other people, some so intense that they sent her into depressive states because she felt horrible about herself for being with me, and feeling these things for others. It didn't really hurt to hear, and I assured her it was ok, and that I wished she'd told me, because I would have understood. But the problem with it all, is that I never once saw any of it coming. When I looked at her I was sure that I had eyes for no one else, and she assured me she felt the same. And she did, except there was a but...and that but is hard to overcome after 7 years of thinking things were a certain way when it turns out it wasn't. It almost feels as if I looked away for a second, and when I looked back, everything I thought I knew had been pulled out from under me. And it wouldn't have mattered I find. if she'd known from the start that she was poly, I still would have jumped in. I don't really have a problem with it. It's just hard to reconcile these feelings, I don't really know what they mean. I feel like it's not as simple as poly for me. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of something that I thought I knew but I guess never was.
I don't know, maybe I just haven't had enough time. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, just some thoughts from people familiar with all of it I suppose. Can this work? Impressions in general? Anything I could think about could be helpful. Sorry about the novel, my head is a big mess of competing issues, all tied together in intricate ways. It's very hard to make sense of.