I didn't realize this thread had several responses.
To give a little background on myself: I grew up in a large and very Catholic family. Relationship and love wise, I have always been surrounded by people who think the same way I was raised.
I have been married before, and in a few serious relationships. I have experienced jealousy, anger, resentment, etc all from men not being able to stay monogomus to me, including my own husband. I then fell in love with two men in my mid twenties, I loved them differently, and deeply. I realized that the issue wasn't love itself, it was how I was trying to define and limit it. It was also my lack of deep open and honest relationships that had unknowingly barred me from exploring and defining what I want and who I am.
When I entered into this relationship, it felt beyond natural. Their communication and honesty and happiness was something I had never seen or experienced before. I fell in love with him, and had a deep appreciation and love for her. I didn't question them. I just followed what felt and proved to be right. For the first time in my life, I saw a man I loved with another woman, and I didn't feel jealousy, or anger, or resentment. I just felt normal, honest, open and at peace.
It was like that for quite a while, then one day I decided that maybe other people did this too. Openly. Without judgment and beyond the stereotypical things you see on tv. I left it alone, until one day my friend mentioned the word polyamorous. So thats when I looked this up.
Granted, I feel like I must do my reading before I move forward. But the reason I feel that I will taint this relationship is because it is closed. And that didn't bother me, until I realized that I would like to form another close relationship with a man/woman.
In understanding the terms, I am currently in a closed V. It was his preference and I agreed with it. But, I am secondary. He was married to her before, she is his staple. As the NRE is wearing off, I can see that.
I do feel like I would like a staple of my own. Because its beautiful to be able to love someone like that and know that you will surely be together for a lifetime.
There is a fear that this will end if I continue to seek out others to build a relationship with. I havent even looked at how I will make this happen.
I did talk to him again about it, he reluctantly said, so you want to bring another close person into your life huh? It does feel like since I started to really explore this, he has distanced himself more and more. She remains the same.
My only sexual contact is him him, not her, and thats changed significantly.
I am deeply saddened and confused by this. But I can only follow my path. And the previous responses are right, it is similar to OPP it appears. So I am moving forward and learning more, and would like to be involved in a community with support so I can overcome that.
I am truly scared, the only experience I have had with this type of relationship I would like to keep and still be able to get to know who I am. I have asked him several times, if he is pulling back or if things are changing, because I would rather keep a friendship with them then let things fizzle out and cause drame and issues.
He assures me that all is the same. I feel like I have nothing left but to trust in that and move forward with what I am doing. Because I would like to keep resentment and frustration out of my life in this respect.
Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I am continuing to learn, keeping a journal, picking up some books, and reading more on this forum.