New to poly, monog question

Well then I guess we have a one penis policy and a one vagina policy. He doesn't want me to have additional partners and I don't want him to have additional partners so that works out well for us.

He's "allowed " to do whatever he wants but if i feel like his choices affect me negatively then I have every right to choose not to continue. Just like I expect my partner to be local. If he took a job offer hours away that wouldn't work for me and we would no longer be suitable for a romantic relationship. If he chose to start smoking, I wouldn't continue etc.
 
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Sorry to continue with the off topic discussion of OPP/OVP, but it just sounds like Inyourendo is simply in a closed relationship, no? No one is up for adding new partners right now, and that's surely not something anyone should be getting their pants in a twist over.
 
Sorry to continue with the off topic discussion of OPP/OVP, but it just sounds like Inyourendo is simply in a closed relationship, no? No one is up for adding new partners right now, and that's surely not something anyone should be getting their pants in a twist over.

Um, no - read her signature. She is talking about her agreement with her boyfriend, but she has a husband as well. She has agreed not to take on any additional partners besides the ones she has - basically a poly-fi arrangement. However (correct me if I am wrong, Inyourendo), I don't think she's got that kind of agreement with her husband. He has several casual lovers, IIRC.
 
Yeah nate does have a lot of lovers. He's open to see others but my relationship with Sam is closed (other than nate ) Sam would expect that if nate wasn't in the picture that he and I would be monogamous because he's not interested in being in a poly relationship. He loves and wants to be with me and that's the only reason he has entered into this
 
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I meant only that her relationship with Sam is closed, to distinguish it from a case of unfair OPP/OVP. I never assumed that a hinge person being closed has to affect all legs, so to speak, since being open or closed to new partners is an individuals choice. I don't see how calling it a poly-fi agreement is anything different to what I said to be honest, but since it's getting a bit weird debating someone else's relationship now, I'll exit stage left. My only intention was to say that not being open to new partners is not the same as having a one penis/vagina policy, even when there is a disparity in the number of partners each person has.
 
I am happy, but I want to explore and date other people. I've brought it up before and he wasn't too keen on the idea.
He doesn't have to be totally blissed out on the idea to recognize that you are an autonomous individual who wants to make your own choices. He doesn't have to be totally keen on the idea to give consent. And by consenting, he is not giving permission, because you are not his property; consent merely means acceptance of your choices, and accepting that he doesn't control you.

You really don't need his permission to date others - just know that if he is not happy with you dating others, he could end his relationship with you. However, he could also work on his issues about it and accept that he doesn't own you and isn't the boss of your life and body. If he has his wife, in addition to you, it isn't fair to expect that you cannot have anyone else besides him. You are not a pet or a toy that only exists for his, or their, satisfaction.

While I'm happy with him and her, I feel that I lack any control over this new concept for me because of them.
Is that right? Normal?
You don't lack control. You simply perceive it that way. They have no control you, so why relinquish your own control and act as if they do? You're a grown-up, correct? There is nothing stopping you from living your life as you see fit, as long as you are not committing any criminal acts.

It's like part of me feels really confused and upset at the thought of me not being able to explore relationships with other men.
If you feel that not being able to date other men is confusing and upsetting, and you would rather not be confused and upset, then the answer is like a neon sign flashing in your face: date other men, if that is what you want!

Why did you believe that you had no ability to choose our own path in life and in relationships?

The last thing I want to do is taint this otherwise beautiful relationship.
It doesn't sound beautiful if you are constantly upset over not feeling free to expand the love in your life. It doesn't sound beautiful if you do not feel respected, valued, heard, and safe enough to be who you are unapologetically. Are you sure it's love and not infatuation and obligation that is mostly operating in this situation?
 
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The defining features of a OPP are control and insecurity.

It's not controlling to identify the characteristics you want in your partner, and then choose someone for whom those characteristics are already present.

It's not insecure to identify that dealing with metamours can entail a lot of bullshit, and just not wanting to deal with it if you can easily avoid it.

Just like it's not sexist to be a man who wants a stay-at-home-mom for his kids, and then seeks a woman whose ultimate goal in life is to be a stay-at-home-mom. That's completely different than marrying a career woman, knocking her up, and then pressuring her to quit work so she can stay home with the kids.
 
I think you need to sit down and talk with him. I mean, REALLY talk, tell him how you are feeling. Poly is not easy even with people know what is going on. I am Mono myself, I have felt the loniess, the "second best" and WTF?! That is my personal fave. With the thing I have learned, is communcation is key and HOW to express my thoughts and feelings that another person can understand it, not only me. I hope this helps
 
Re (from Curi85):
"I am happy, but I want to explore and date other people. I've brought it up before and he wasn't too keen on the idea."

Ohhh ... he doesn't identify as poly because he doesn't want *you* to be poly.

Re:
"The last thing I want to do is taint this otherwise beautiful relationship."

As per the word "otherwise," the relationship is already tainted. It's not your fault.
 
I didn't realize this thread had several responses.

To give a little background on myself: I grew up in a large and very Catholic family. Relationship and love wise, I have always been surrounded by people who think the same way I was raised.
I have been married before, and in a few serious relationships. I have experienced jealousy, anger, resentment, etc all from men not being able to stay monogomus to me, including my own husband. I then fell in love with two men in my mid twenties, I loved them differently, and deeply. I realized that the issue wasn't love itself, it was how I was trying to define and limit it. It was also my lack of deep open and honest relationships that had unknowingly barred me from exploring and defining what I want and who I am.

When I entered into this relationship, it felt beyond natural. Their communication and honesty and happiness was something I had never seen or experienced before. I fell in love with him, and had a deep appreciation and love for her. I didn't question them. I just followed what felt and proved to be right. For the first time in my life, I saw a man I loved with another woman, and I didn't feel jealousy, or anger, or resentment. I just felt normal, honest, open and at peace.
It was like that for quite a while, then one day I decided that maybe other people did this too. Openly. Without judgment and beyond the stereotypical things you see on tv. I left it alone, until one day my friend mentioned the word polyamorous. So thats when I looked this up.
Granted, I feel like I must do my reading before I move forward. But the reason I feel that I will taint this relationship is because it is closed. And that didn't bother me, until I realized that I would like to form another close relationship with a man/woman.
In understanding the terms, I am currently in a closed V. It was his preference and I agreed with it. But, I am secondary. He was married to her before, she is his staple. As the NRE is wearing off, I can see that.
I do feel like I would like a staple of my own. Because its beautiful to be able to love someone like that and know that you will surely be together for a lifetime.
There is a fear that this will end if I continue to seek out others to build a relationship with. I havent even looked at how I will make this happen.
I did talk to him again about it, he reluctantly said, so you want to bring another close person into your life huh? It does feel like since I started to really explore this, he has distanced himself more and more. She remains the same.
My only sexual contact is him him, not her, and thats changed significantly.
I am deeply saddened and confused by this. But I can only follow my path. And the previous responses are right, it is similar to OPP it appears. So I am moving forward and learning more, and would like to be involved in a community with support so I can overcome that.
I am truly scared, the only experience I have had with this type of relationship I would like to keep and still be able to get to know who I am. I have asked him several times, if he is pulling back or if things are changing, because I would rather keep a friendship with them then let things fizzle out and cause drame and issues.
He assures me that all is the same. I feel like I have nothing left but to trust in that and move forward with what I am doing. Because I would like to keep resentment and frustration out of my life in this respect.
Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I am continuing to learn, keeping a journal, picking up some books, and reading more on this forum.
 
It sounds like you're thinking of going ahead and trying dating some other people; is that right?
 
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