First Poly Experience

rainmelon

New member
I thought it was a good idea to put this out there in the world so people could know about my experience and learn from it too.

This is the craziest thing that has happened to me in my life so far. It only took a month and a half for it to transpire. I know, especially since I am only 21, that many people will think that I am too immature to comprehend this properly, that I am being dramatic, that I am chasing excitement with disregard for the feelings of others. I know at least that this is not true. I guess, though it is really hard to lack support, that all that matters is that I understand and I am being truthful to myself so I can learn from this.

I have been in love with someone for over five years. We met when we were 15, and we have grown up together, staying as excited and as in love with one another as we always have been. It is a very special bond. We are completely open with one another, we have fun together, we work as a team in times of crisis, we provide support for each other in everything, we check each other when we notice we're getting carried away, we are secure in our relationship and we feel safe together. I know that this is true love. After being together for so long, it is a constant battle not to take it for granted, but I always find my way back to being humbled and in awe, and feeling deep gratitude for having this love in my life.

There are rules about true love that are taught to us in our society since we are born. The majority of people around us believe these rules and advocate for these rules. They fight against any skepticism against or evidence against these rules. People who have ideas or experiences that challenge these rules are ostracized, shamed, criticized. Even true love is mistrusted and rejected because of these rules. True love is thrown away because of the mistrust. The rule I learned is completely false after my experience is that you can only truly love one person. I am in love with two people.

I did not do this on purpose. I did not plan for this to happen. My first love and I decided to open our relationship several months ago because we realized we are comfortable enough with each other and as individuals and have enough trust in each other that we can handle each other expressing our attraction to people outside our relationship. Despite our open relationship, I did not look for liaisons. I wasn't interested in seeking them in a forward manner. I wanted to just be free to express in the moment. I also was not (and am not) dissatisfied with mine and my first love's relationship. There have been doubts, but I have clarified with myself that any dissatisfaction is with my individual life. I wasn't looking for someone to fall in love with. I didn't expect to fall in love with anyone, but I did. To make it all more difficult to believe, it was almost love at first sight. I denied it from the beginning, but I fell in love with this person even before I really knew him. I knew it was true love because I have felt true love before. I am open to it and I know it is real. Although it was very awkward and messy since this was the first time I acted on my open relationship, I went about it in a good way. I communicated with everyone. I told everyone the truth. I never tried to manipulate anyone. I checked on everyone's feelings. I listened. I was honest. Despite all my effort, it won't work because the second person I fell in love with unfortunately doesn't feel comfortable with the fact that I am also in love with another person. The most painful thing is that he mistrusts my love because I am in love with someone else too. He fears the challenges of working around loving two people in a society where the mainstream rejects such behaviour. I fear those challenges as well, but I want to take the risk so we can share this love. I am heartbroken that he doesn't want to take this risk. He is afraid of being hurt, but I feel like we are already hurt so much that it couldn't hurt any more than it already does. Even despite all the challenges, I think we could make it work. I know people would be shocked, but those who matter would accept it. My first love knows all of this. He even held me while I cried, heartbroken for my second love. He listened to me talk about why I longed for my second love. He offered to talk to my second love and help him with his fear. From the beginning, he wanted to meet him. In contrast, my second love wants me to break up with my first love. I considered it so that I could satisfy my longing and be with my second love. I even told my first love that I was considering leaving him, and he told me that he wouldn't hold anything against me. Thankfully, I have come to realize the problem has nothing to do with my first love and I, only with my second love and I. We don't feel comfortable with the same things. We both love each other, but our relationship won't work because of the incompatibility of needs. I respect his needs. Here we both are, heartbroken for the same reason, mutually longing for the same thing. It seems ridiculous to me! Why can't we just love each other? I know it is unfair, but I can't help but think that my second love is just falling victim to societal conditioning. I need to keep respecting his needs. He listened to everything I told him with an open mind and open heart. He tried. He told me the truth. He still has the same needs. That is okay. I just wish we could love each other.

I thought I might write my second love a closure note:

I have always believed love is a very sacred thing, maybe the most sacred thing in a person's life. I think it is a force that leads us on the right path. I think when two people love each other, the forces of the universe are drawing them together to make great leaps in growth and learning. I am always learning more about love, and I am very grateful to you and this experience with you to have learned so much more about it. I never knew it was possible to truly fall in love with someone so quickly. The love I have for you is true, and although the circumstances make it difficult to believe, I hope above all else that you trust me and believe that I truly love you. I have fallen in love with one other person, and I have never been told by anyone that you should ever hold yourself back from sharing it fully when it's mutual. This made me doubt the love I already feel, but I realized it is too sacred to me and too meaningful to my life. Letting it go would be destructive. It has broken my heart that even though you and I mutually love each other, we still cannot give each other what we would need from it if we open ourselves to share it fully. I feel deeply honoured and humbled to have bonded with such a genuine and powerful soul like yourself. I know this life has great things in store for you. Even though it seems we are not meant to be lovers, I still want you in my life as my friend if it could make you happy. I think sharing what part of our love we can could be very valuable. I care about you deeply and will always be here for you.

P.S. Breathing with you was one of the deepest most beautiful feelings of heart connection I've ever felt.

Thank you so much for everything. I will forever be grateful to you.



I have come to the conclusion that because I am immature, my actions were kind of harmful despite my best efforts. I am going to stop taking actions that prolong the suffering. I am not going to give my second love the "closure note" anymore. I am just going to hug him and thank him and apologize again the next time I see him. I do not regret any of this. I still know that I truly love him, however he doesn't need to be convinced that it's true. It's unnecessary. He already rejected me. I am grateful for what happened, and I will tell him that because he deserves to know. I do still want to be his friend and I will tell him that because it's good. That's all though.

I'd like to hear your comments, advice, critiques, questions as I am sure everyone would benefit from the exchange of info and ideas. :)
 
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To me, it does not sound like "true love" at all - just the overwhelming rush that is NRE. It still sucks and hurts when not reciprocated, and I am sorry you are experiencing sadness right now.

Good for you, for not trying to force a relationship where there is a basic incompatibility. I've tried dating a mono guy who didn't want poly, and as you've learned, it sucks - especially because of the NRE that is begging you to make it work, somehow.

Cry a bit and move on. Definitely don't send that letter, it reads as overblown and written by someone who is caught up in melodrama. I probably would not remain friends with someone who sent me that - I would run for the hills.
 
Rainmelon you seem like a loving, considerate person who has been trying to take the right approach and that's admirable. You've treated this as an opportunity to become wiser and by looks of your last paragraph you have gained some insights that will do you well.

It looks to me like you were overwhelmed by NRE and still are a little. That happens to all of us because by its very nature NRE is overwhelming. Its going to happen again and again, too. Brace yourself.

I think NRE should be classified as a psychedelic because its stimulating, distorting and other-worldly properties are so pronounced. Like a drug trip, once it wears off things look very different. The amazing elated feelings, powerful compulsions and aching pains are no more. This or that person, previously some sort of beautiful, divine and magical creature, is now fully human.

From your description it appears that your first love is a considerably good partner. Critically, the way you've described his treatment of you while you were head over heels for your second love suggests he is very much compatible with poly. Your second love, well he's not really at all compatible, as you've painfully discovered. I'm so glad you didn't break up with your first love to be with your second, or get carried away with the hope your second love's social conditioning could be altered by you. Down the line you'd fall for others and if your second love hadn't changed to be compatible enough with poly (very likely) you'd have found yourself in a quandary many poly people do, feeling deprived of the opportunity to love more than one because of bad decisions made in the grip of NRE.

Only advice I can think of is to firstly, try to keep in mind that the early stage of falling in love is like a drug, or like a dream. You'll come down or wake up, so try to get lucid occasionally and think about what that is going to be like, especially when making big decisions. Secondly, try to deliberately seek out the company of good people who are poly. Who we fall for isn't something we choose. At least, not in my experience. Its like an accident. If that accident happens with kind, interesting individuals who are compatible with your relationship style you'll have a wonderful time. If it happens with individuals who aren't, then there could be a lot of tragedy.
 
Hi rainmelon,
Thanks for sharing your story.

Re (from OP):
"I can't help but think that my second love is just falling victim to societal conditioning."

I agree.

Re:
"I have come to the conclusion that because I am immature, my actions were kind of harmful despite my best efforts."

Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. It seems to me you handled things as well as could be expected.

Your first love is a keeper; hang on to him. I hope to hear more of your story as time goes on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Your first love is a keeper; hang on to him. I hope to hear more of your story as time goes on.
.

Yes he is DEFINITELY a keeper. What you two share seems to be genuine and true.

I think you handled the situation to the best of your abilities, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. :)

Hope to hear more from you soon!
 
I think it's unwise and unnecessary to dismiss 'second love' as fearful, a victim, unwilling. He doesn't want this relationship. This doesn't make him all these lesser things. It means you and he want different things out of a relationship.

It is just not true that someone who doesn't want a poly relationship, who chooses not to be one of multiple boyfriends (or girlfriends) is thereby 'less' than those who choose poly--as words like fearful, victim, and unwilling imply.
 
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