Never even heard the word before...

A2Poly

New member
I don't even know where to start...

28 years ago I met a girl. We went to school together, and she was my best freind. We drifted in and out of each other's lives (she moved far away), and so I wasn't around when she met and married her husband 15 years ago, and she want around when I had my (now 20yo) daughter, but for most of the rest we have been best freinds.

I knew, kinda, that they had a relationship that allowed more physical intimacy with others. But never thought it was my business. I've been celibate, and almost asexual for the last ten years. Little interest, and no time. But, I have always been attracted to her husband, but not in any "must have!" way, more in a "appreciation" way.

Then last month he and I kissed. He says he thinks I kissed him, I think he kissed me... but either way, suddenly that was on the radar. This month I came out for a visit, and she (without discussing it with me, or knowing about the kiss) gave him permission to see if I'd be interested. I was.

So far so good. And then it got messy. They've never been open to anything more than casual "situational" sex with others. At festivals etc, but never in their home, and with someone who is so enmeshed in their lives. So when he spent (most of) a night in their guest room with me, being alone and knowing we were together got weird for her, and she didn't say anything about it until the next day - though I'm grateful she said something at all!

Anyway, here we are, best freinds for 28 years, and exploring what it might mean to be (am I using this word right?) metamours. All three of us agree that my friendship with her, and their marriage are the "core" relationships, and that we want both to still exist in 40 years. But from poking around here, and other places, and I haven't seen anything like this.

To protect those "core" relationships I'm ok with not continuing a sexual relationship with her husband, and treating this as a one time precious gift she shared. It might affect us for a bit, but we'd get through it. Worse things have happened and we've stayed freinds. But my preference would be a committed (but still open to situational casual sex) relationship.

I'm finding the switch from celibate to (possibly) poly - when is never heard the word before this week - to be a bit of struggle. I think it might be one that is worth it, but I'm scared because of all the long term, important, relationships involved.

Any advice?
 
Greetings A2Poly,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Why not take some time to decide what you really want, and then see if what you want is even on the table. It sounds like you're considering forming an FMF V with this man and your best friend.

I take it you aren't personally married at this time? cause if you were that could complicate things a bit. On the other hand, there's no rule that says you *have* to be in this poly relationship, so take some time to decide if it's what you really want. If you do want it, you'll need to do a lot of communicating with this man and his wife. Do you live close to them?

I recommend spending some time reading other people's stories and questions:

Pick out threads that call to you and see what you can learn. Post any new questions that come to your mind; fellow members will probably provide many answers.

I myself try to religiously follow the intro board, so you can always ping me by posting on this thread.

I hope you'll be able to sort some things out in the next few months.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
My best suggestion is to talk talk talk, to your friend/metamour and her husband. Try and be as open as you can about pace of developments, needs, etc.

I assume they are familiar with NRE (new relationship energy) and the rush it brings, and the tunnel vision for being with the new partner that usually happens. It is important to manage this well so your female friend doesn't feel neglected.

Good luck!
 
Feels like 'nothing' but talk, lol.

I don't think I've ever talked this much in a relationship before, and have firm plans to continue that! While a relationship like this wasn't on the radar a month ago, I find myself interested in the possibility. I do want to make sure - at almost any cost - that my friendship lasts through anything that does or doesn't happen in the future.

Info dump:
I don't live close by (1 1/2 hour plane ride, which is something I can afford to do regularly, but they can not).
I am single, and always have been, so no complications on my side.
Best friend and I where, even as young teens, fairly free with our sharing of boyfriends, etc. so the concept is not totally new though I hadn't really thought about that until I was writing this sentence! That's a lot of years ago. And the adult reality of it (with their 2 kids and my adult daughter in the picture) is different than the crazy teen years.

The NRE is surprisingly low key, it is definitely there, but I've been a part of this family in a platonic, "aunt" way for lots of years already, so I don't feel that burning "want to spend every waking moment with him". I definitely want to touch him more, and am (we all are) working out what is acceptable in terms of PDAs etc. though the family is very free with PDAs anyway, so it is less of a big deal than it would have been in my family of origin (for example).

Just thinking about this is... well, blowing my mind a bit. All of our minds, actually. I think we all had disparate expectations (me = none, she and he = a bit of play) and have, I think, all been surprised by the interest/openness to explore a more permanent relationship.
 
It sounds to me like you are (all three) leaning towards going ahead with this poly thing, you're just trying to collect your nerves as it's all a little scary at the moment. Please feel free to look around on our site here and accumulate some familiarity with polyamory and its role in real people's lives. We tend to fear the unfamiliar. And there are pitfalls in polyamory, so it is good to know about those ahead of time.

With the amount of trust the three of you have between each other, and the quantity/quality of communication that you do, I think your odds are really good of making this work.

Take your time and work out what you want your lives to look like in the years ahead. Will you all end up living together? within walking/driving distance? Will you "out yourselves to the world?" Who will you tell? Will you tell the kids? What about NRE, PDA's, etc.?

Let us know if we here on Polyamory.com can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The jump from 'open' to 'poly' is apparently bigger than the jump from 'a' to 'poly'. Since the friendship is more important than anything else, we are closing that door. Bit of a hard lesson, for all of us, but it is true to the original goal of protecting the marriage and friendship. Thanks for your time and comments, and the board itself. It was helpful in figuring out what *I* can deal with, so that we could even have the conversation. I appreciate it.
 
Last edited:
No problem, and although I'm sorry if your poly hopes didn't work out like it seemed like they would, I'm glad you've been able to think things through and pick the path that's right for you. Please don't be a stranger here on the forum, you can still post at any time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top