Happily Poly

Earthwriters

New member
Hello everyone,

I'm a 26-year old bisexual woman that is currently in a triad with my boyfriend of 4 years and our girlfriend of 1 year. My boyfriend and I were engaged but have decided that proceeding with a wedding would be dishonest to ourselves, our girlfriend and the life we want. Instead we have been looking at alternative avenues to continue our love and bind us in legal and equal ways.

We look to the future and it is our hope to bring little pattering feet into our home in the next 2 years.
 
Hello and welcome! Always nice to read happy poly stories :)

Triad relationships might be the hardest ones within poly... congrats for mastering yours so well! You really seem to want to have an equal triad as you consider not getting married to one of your partners - even if it is the longer-term partner.

Feel free to participate in all the discussions you find interesting! I'd definitely be interested in reading more about your happy daily life if you want to share. Also, if you find ways to legally bind all three of you, I am sure there are many who'd like to know the details of how.

Once again: welcome!
 
Greetings Earthwriters,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Yes, you have a rare thing among polyamorists: an MFF triad that actually works! :)

Seriously, it sounds like you are handling things in an exemplary manner. As far as legally binding yourselves as a three-person unit is concerned, what I usually hear recommended is forming an LLP or an LLC. More info can be found at: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=4105.msg58307#msg58307

You should also do stuff like draw up wills, living wills, and powers of attorney for each other. Things so that you can visit each other in the hospital, and whatnot.

You can also have a ceremony that looks like a three-person marriage ceremony; it would normally be called a commitment ceremony. Rings and vows can be exchanged. Family and friends can be invited if you're out to them.

Anyway, very happy for you guys and hope you have an excellent experience on our website.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks

Hello and welcome! Always nice to read happy poly stories :)

Triad relationships might be the hardest ones within poly... congrats for mastering yours so well! You really seem to want to have an equal triad as you consider not getting married to one of your partners - even if it is the longer-term partner.

Feel free to participate in all the discussions you find interesting! I'd definitely be interested in reading more about your happy daily life if you want to share. Also, if you find ways to legally bind all three of you, I am sure there are many who'd like to know the details of how.

Once again: welcome!

Thanks for the warm welcome Nadya! In our triad we are indeed very close.

Yesterday we had a consultation with a lawyer in the NYC that is very interested in working with us to draft legal documents for us. Its the first step in a long road, but I'm really happy that we have taken this first step.

Today we discussed the reality of our futility. I have a medical condition known as PCOS that makes it difficult to conceive naturally. In the coming months I will be getting tested to figure out how difficult it will be and if in vitro fertilization is a viable option.

One thing we discussed with enthusiasm was having my bf J fertilize my gf C's eggs and then in vitro them inside me. It a nice way to get everyone involved, but we will have to see if insurance will cover the cost, and how much would the cost be out of pocket.

Nadya, if you have any questions feel free to reach out to me. I'm an open book.

All the best.
 
Great Welcoming committee

Greetings Earthwriters,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Yes, you have a rare thing among polyamorists: an MFF triad that actually works! :)

Seriously, it sounds like you are handling things in an exemplary manner. As far as legally binding yourselves as a three-person unit is concerned, what I usually hear recommended is forming an LLP or an LLC. More info can be found at: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=4105.msg58307#msg58307

You should also do stuff like draw up wills, living wills, and powers of attorney for each other. Things so that you can visit each other in the hospital, and whatnot.

You can also have a ceremony that looks like a three-person marriage ceremony; it would normally be called a commitment ceremony. Rings and vows can be exchanged. Family and friends can be invited if you're out to them.

Anyway, very happy for you guys and hope you have an excellent experience on our website.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Kevin,

Thanks for all the positive support and advice.

To our lawyer we expressed a need for all of that documentation. In terms of a three-person marriage ceremony, we are still on the fence about that. Its a topic I will definitely asking for advise from the forum.

Developing our pod definitely wasn't smooth. Dating, especially with new relationship feelings, is challenging. Over that 6 months though we have really settled down. Moving in has especially helped with that.

Honestly though, its great to have a place with other polys in order to talk with minded people, and even to having a safe place to ask for advise. I can't wait to more apart of this community.
 
Thanks for the warm welcome Nadya! In our triad we are indeed very close.

Yesterday we had a consultation with a lawyer in the NYC that is very interested in working with us to draft legal documents for us. Its the first step in a long road, but I'm really happy that we have taken this first step.

Today we discussed the reality of our futility. I have a medical condition known as PCOS that makes it difficult to conceive naturally. In the coming months I will be getting tested to figure out how difficult it will be and if in vitro fertilization is a viable option.

One thing we discussed with enthusiasm was having my bf J fertilize my gf C's eggs and then in vitro them inside me. It a nice way to get everyone involved, but we will have to see if insurance will cover the cost, and how much would the cost be out of pocket.

Nadya, if you have any questions feel free to reach out to me. I'm an open book.

All the best.

That would be a wonderful solution! I love it. As you said, a nice way to get everyone involved.
 
Thanks Betts4.

My gf C came up with it and I just feel in love with the idea.

If you know anyone with experience in this please feel free to point me in that direction.

All the Best,
Eartwriters
 
My wife and I legally married as that was the only way to get her health coverage and other benefits in my day. Our long time girlfriend found a husband online who was OK with our relationship but had his own life and we all got the benefits of marriage.

There is a lot more to a poly relationship than meets the eye. Issues of medical insurance coverage, sharing expenses, survivor benefits and who gets what when the relationship ends, have to be dealt with. I often wonder why no one mentions these issues. Who gets the big screen TV or bank account when one leaves? Maybe most just have lovers and do not share lives with each other?
 
There is a lot more to a poly relationship than meets the eye. Issues of medical insurance coverage, sharing expenses, survivor benefits and who gets what when the relationship ends, have to be dealt with. I often wonder why no one mentions these issues. Who gets the big screen TV or bank account when one leaves? Maybe most just have lovers and do not share lives with each other?

A few years ago there was a conversation here that I participated in relating to this topic:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23971&highlight=palimony

I find the topic interesting since we practice a "family-style" type of poly and I am the sole money earner.

Reading back through my responses on that thread - the only thing that has changed is that now Dude gets an "allowance" of his own to spend on incidentals. If he left, say he moved out to move in with his other girlfriend, or got himself a job and wanted his own apartment, he would take whatever he had left in his account and whatever "personal property" he has bought for himself (from his own funds or from his "allowance").

Depending on the circumstances (i.e. did he finish up the projects that he does for the household in exchange for free "room-and-board"? Or do I have to hire someone else to complete them?) - I could see giving him a "nest egg" (like severance pay) to get him started.

With MrS, to whom I am legally married and who supported me through school...things would be a lot more complicated and there are legal considerations.

JaneQ
 
One thing we discussed with enthusiasm was having my bf J fertilize my gf C's eggs and then in vitro them inside me. It a nice way to get everyone involved, but we will have to see if insurance will cover the cost, and how much would the cost be out of pocket.

Once the financial and legal issues are addressed I think this is an excellent idea for 3 co-parents to consider. When Dude joined us, MrS and I were open to children but Dude did NOT want to be a "father". We all sat down and agreed that we were willing to draw up legal paperwork so that any child I conceived with Dude would be considered mine and MrS's - Dude would be off the hook for child-support but would have no parental rights. Moot point now...

Jane("No-kids")Q
 
@ maxnsue ... I don't have any legal ties to my two poly companions (while they are legally married to each other), so I guess if they kicked me to the curb I'd be out of luck.

It's a gamble I willingly take. I feel confident that it's a winning gamble. And no, none of the three of us have any other lovers, and yes all three of us share our lives with each other.

I don't know what "most" polyamorists do. I do think marriage-like poly households (similar to mine) are fairly common though.

@ Earthwriters ... I don't have any knowledge/experience concerning the type of pregnancy you, J, and C hope to accomplish. I suppose you first step would be finding a clinic that specializes in in vitro fertilization.
 
We understand the issue of health insurance, wills and etc. As three career driven people, we find that placing money into the communal pot works best for us. Also as bf J has lived with me the longest, he is on my health insurance as a domestic partner. Even though we didn't file through NY for tax purposes my job and health insurance accepts the partnership. Gf C has her own health insurance.

We have already discussed that if I were to change my job, C would place J on her health insurance if needed.

As for the future with children and life it is all unknown but taking the measures now to insure our future and get it all legally documented is the best we can think to do.

@Maxnsue: do you find that being married is helpful or causes more emotional issues with other relationships? My thought process is that with a long term lover that it would be challenging for them to accept that at the end of the day, no matter how much love you give them in some ways they will never be equal to your legal spouse.

@JaneQSmythe, thank you for your thoughts and understanding.

@kdt26417 its true that in a relationship with no legal ties, you have faith that no matter what happens or how pissed someone might be that they wouldn't kick you to the curb in the middle of the night. We are passionate lovers, but also understanding people so I understand where your coming from.
 
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I shouldn't say I have *no* legal ties to my companions. We do have power of attorney for each other, and wills and living wills that name each other. So there's that.

I just think that since marital law doesn't cover/recognize poly configurations, you have to make do to some extent and can't expect everything to be covered perfectly. I have trust in my companions. Total trust. They'd walk through fire for me; I know they would.
 
I was unaware that a MFF triad was difficult. Luckily there was no internet or cable TV when we formed ours or else we may not have lasted for 38 years. We were too dumb to know that we were bucking the odds.

Our girlfriend was considered family while she was just a friend who visited us often. Someone we helped out through a difficult divorce. Eventually we invited her into our bed and it just felt so natural because we were all friends since 10 years old. Our arrangement was simple. Our g/f knew she was my secondary female relationship, my wife's secondary sexual relationship but my wife's only female lover.

She had her own room in our home but we only supported her while she stayed with us. Although she wanted to move in with us full time, we did not think that was a good idea because no one likes being number 2 all the time. She was resourceful and found a husband online who was OK with her splitting her time with us and him. All she told us was that they had an arrangement. Although we met her husband many times socially and he even accompanied our g/f on vacations where he promptly left her in our good company while he went off to do his own thing, whatever that was.

Our g/f gained a doctor for a husband, medical coverage for her and her son, a home of her own, financial support and a relationship where she was the primary. She is a dominant women and needed a man who was submissive in nature and not just during sex, as I was. It sounds more complicated than it sounds because we never had one single problem in all of that time.

We did not have rules. No one was jealous at all. I never thought about her husband as someone I was competing with. My wife encouraged me to have alone sex time with our g/f. We just were all family and I tried to treat each of the women with the same lover and respect but my wife always came first.
 
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