Do this right

realamore

New member
Well here I am

I am anxious and pleased to be here part of a community I feel I belong to :D. Hoping it will be a place I can find resources and support at making my relationships quality for all involved with.

I am in a mono/open relationship with my husband. I being poly in "theory" for many years but only being open for several years. I find my situation quite similar to the newbie on here Nori but I have been "dating" for several years but in a somewhat series relationship with someone outside of my marriage for a year now. However, now I have a primary relationship that has developed over the past six months :D. As for my husband, he has chosen that he is willing to acknowledge I want to have a separate life on its own but doesn't want to know any aspects of that, in other words denial. My greatest hopes are that his attitude will change and he will see the advantage of being open and honest about all aspects of our relationship, but for now as long as our relationship stays as a traditional marriage, my relationship's are mine privately and just a separate life :(. I think he acknowledges that since this decision to let me have some privacy to go do "my own thing" our relationship has improved and is strengthened although I don't agree. This agreement goes against all my virtue and my desire for openness and the practice of complete honesty. So I hope those issues can be addressed on another thread I see is available.

I do have to credit my Primary outside relationship for my outreach here all beit indirect. Our relationship is only six months old, is young, calculated and in depth. It is very young and new and slow. I have been in a relationship with someone for a year now but not the connection or depth that I have developed with this relationship. He has been in an open marriage for several years now and I am beginning to think ours is the most in-depth he has had as well.

He has directed me to a few links and books on the subject but since then I have immersed myself in the subject hoping that we can both make our lives and our other relationships involved more joyful and productive for all. I am finding his communication skills abit lacking compared to what I thought for being in an open relationship marriage longer than I.

I currently have come across resources that are helping me more than others he has guided me too and although popular in the poly community, sources he has not known so suspecting he's not as immersed as I thought. I am currently reading, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. It is giving me motivation and inspiration that relationships can succeed and be strong with proper communication. I am hoping to get some advice on my Primary's communication style on here on some other thread if someone would so kindly guide me to. I realize communication is the essential of success of poly relationships and I'm thinking he and I and all involved could use some fine tuning. His communication skills are driving me batty to say the least and could cause some conflict with someone sometime :rolleyes:.

That being said. I have made my introduction and hope I followed all guidelines for introducing my situation and why I am here.

Peace to all.
 
Greetings realamore,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Your intro seems fine. It is true that productive communication is really important in polyamory, and it's true that we don't generally recommend DADT arrangements (like the one your husband wants). But ... every person is a unique individual, and every relationship is likewise unique. For some people, DADT agreements do work. Others seem to do fine even if they're not very good at communicating. That's not to say you shouldn't be concerned about those things, just that you don't need to panic or lay awake at night worrying about it.

You could do a tag search for "communication" and find some threads on that topic ... or you can even start your own thread about it; the Poly Relationships Corner is a good board for that.

Think of it optimistically: Your husband isn't ready yet to "hear the details," but he does support you in having poly relationships and that's a heck of a thing in this day and age. Be sure to express appreciation to him for that!

Your new outside primary relationship sounds pretty intense; I hope you feel that you are a good match for each other.

I'll be following this thread, so whenever you want to ping me, just post here. Glad to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you

Thank you KDT

Thank you for the optimistic outlook I need to use. Yes am not a believer in DADT. Even with the first Book I picked up on the Poly life and DADT struck at the commonality of my belief system. Openess is my core believe system. I just never knew I was the term Poly. lol. and now living it has been so rewarding but I am such a newbie.

That being said. Yes, maybe this Primary is quite intense, I think we are both on the downside of NRE and yes! we are very much like minded!! If I could advertise on a mountaintop what an intelligent, compassionate giving, open person he is, I would! Communication skills lacking and all. lol. My year long relationship is very much on communication somewhat on the demanding side sometimes, but with this particular relationship, lack of or really more of a confusion or clarity nature is what I am battling with currently.

I thank you for directing me to some links and I will post soon in the poly relationships thread and yes I found some similar outlooks on the communication workshop. Not all communication is verbal, its reactionary as well and we both (my primary and I) are able to pick up on that and correct the ship, so I need to be open to that as a tool. Also, I am a big person on outflow of compassionate communication and it all comes back to you eventually but I wont disregard verbal communications of warranted feelings which I have been with patience, to my downfall. I hope with skill to correct that. We all communicate differently but in the end like in Veaux's book "All words have not a single meaning but a swarm of them like bees around a hive." .:)

Thank you for the welcome.

Peace
 
Glad if I could help. I think mostly right now patience is your go-to virtue. Communication channels can get opened up a little at a time. It takes practice.
 
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