She wrote me a letter of apology

I think the one thing about polyamory that has stood out to me is the amount of processing it seems to bring related to self awareness. I still haven't mapped out boundaries of when I should walk per the last conversation on here.

Metamour has written me a letter of apology and indicated she wants to work on herself that hinge and I can have overnights at their house again. Has said she realizes we fill different love buckets for our hinge and called him "ours". I'm not sure how I feel about that, still feels like a perspective based on ownership and learning to share. I've been struggling over the last year with her feelings of entitlement.

After the last post here on the forum, metamour issued a letter of terms of seperation to our hinge, who feels like he can't do much but just accept things as they happen. I had a talk about personal power with him and pointed out his strengths. He waited out the metamour's behaviors, refusing to break from our relationship despite some of the guilt trips and then later her indicating that she was emotional (menstrual cycle and grief from death of relative earlier that year). Hinge is giving her another chance.

She suggested a trip with both our families to San Diego beach. Hinge turned her down and said he needed to see consistency in her behaviors and acceptance, which is when she wrote me the letter. I did tell him I refused the idea of a grouped outing in another city. 1) My first partner doesn't want to hang around my metamour. 2) I don't want to be in a situation where I can't be affectionate and I don't want to be in the middle of a public place or far away from home if she triggers. And 3) I don't want my children anywhere near that drama. Hinge/Awpti told me that he understood and supported my reasoning. It's the first time I felt like he was protecting my emotional health as much as hers, when I was used to my hurt being acceptable collateral damage compared to her anger.

I was invited to their home to overnight, in their bed, when metamour was out of state on a trip. I did give permission to hinge to answer a text message in the middle of sex and collaring because he said metamour doesn't normally machine gun send texts but it turned out she was very sad and wanted his support. I was angry and hurt because our collaring (first time) was interrupted. We did not resume sex and I cried and he comforted me. I told him that I was upset at the feelings of being abandoned in the middle of intimacy and that I felt like she had her other partner with her and could have gotten emotional support from the person who was with her. I have again suggested therapy for metamour, but can't force the issue.

My basic private moments with hinge are in the back seat of my car on Wednesdays (because at my house my toddlers don't leave much time and scream under the door). I am hopeful that metamour does become able to allow me time at their house for privacy. I did have a hotel staycation planned but hinge got sick and pulled a muscle coughing, so I haven't had that opportunity yet.

I have told hinge/Awpti that I do not want a roller coaster ride this year similar to last. I sent my metamour a bouquet of flowers and thanked her for her letter. I do not feel ready to try for friendship again but I'm trying to be flexible and understanding. I have invoked the Tit for Tat strategy from the Prisoner's Dilemma.

I was writing a follow up post because I'm trying to distract myself from missing Awpti. I have done my taxes. I've gotten insurance squared away for myself and my family. I got some cleaning done and grocery shopping. And I've been trying to play Civ 5 while praising my toddlers' drawing efforts. Still having hard time distracting myself.

Have had moments of wondering if I'm just not polyamorous and that was a side effect of being in the fetlife community and accepting that bdsm relationships often run outside marriages. Both Awpti and my newest partner are a bit nervous that I'm going to close the relationship down. None of my relationships include the intense uncontrollable emotions I have with Awpti, which I ascribed to the D/s relationship but I don't really know.

I am enjoying my new partner's company though I've been struggling there. I told him that I didn't consider myself good for a relationship start while I was dealing with my other relationship. And I've been discovering that the person I'm short changing is me, because I am juggling toddlers, work and three relationships. I have gone from partner 1 to work to partner 2 to home to work and some days I am very frustrated that it feels like my partners are getting the brunt of emotional processing. All of my partners have expressed to me that they love supporting me and don't feel any resentment. I check in with them often.

It was a bit of a surprise to me to discover that when other people feel love they are "floating on cloud nine" and "wearing a shit eating smile". I've never felt that rush. I associate love with obligation and taking care of people. Like two oxen in a yoke, I often consider if the other ox falls, am I willing to carry the cart? That's always how I've felt of love. It's chains and fetters to keep me anchored. And I struggle trying to understand how to feel joy. My partners went into polyamory because they value the freedom to fall in love and autonomy.

I never went into polyamory because i was seeking to find freedom to love. I have the freedom to feel what I feel. Whether or not I act on that emotion is a consideration of promises I've made and whether or not I want to deal with the consequences of my behavior.

I am struggling to understand myself and others. And I'm happy to have my relationship with Awpti continue though I find myself dreading this future year.

So, yeah, my metamour wrote me a letter of apology and I sent her a bouquet of flowers and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel so tired. Wistful and hopeful, sometimes content, but lots of tired. This is just an update.

I don't know that I'm seeking advice. I was just posting to journal and to distract myself because I still miss seeing Awpti so much.

And thank you again for the support in December. I really needed that help. Thank you.
 
Hi Sageflutterby,

Thank you for the update. It sounds like some things are beginning to look up. I just think you are tired from carrying many heavy burdens much of the time.

I hope your metamour continues to act better, and that you and Awpti get some more quality time together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sounds like you guys had a discussion about a boundary around answering texts during sex and then you gave in to allow that boundary to be broken and regretted it.

I think this could be a lesson learned that this needs to be a firm boundary for you. No answering texts during certain times regardless. And while yes, if there are a bunch of frantic beeps that indicate potentially an emergency, you can decide if it's worth reading but unless the text says that someone is hurt or whatever, then don't respond until after sex.

Unless you're having hours long sex, this really shouldn't be a hard boundary to uphold. And frankly, sex that lasts that long usually comes with some built in breaks anyway that WOULD be a reasonable time to go back and take a quick peek at that phone to see what the deal was with the messages. But like.... mid-thrusting action?! That is not reasonable behavior. But that also means that you need to uphold your own boundary and not then later say "ok, yeah, it's fine to check it" since you know that you'll be upset and it won't be ok.
 
I hope you feel a bit better for airing out.

my metamour wrote me a letter of apology and I sent her a bouquet of flowers and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel so tired. Wistful and hopeful, sometimes content, but lots of tired.


You say you are doing tit-for-tat, but to me it's not even sounding. She sends a note, you send a note. You do not have to go out to order a bouquet.

Bouquet of flowers sounds like overdoing it to me. Save your spoons if you are this tired.

It's done this time, but next time could not do as much.

I've been discovering that the person I'm short changing is me, because I am juggling toddlers, work and three relationships. I have gone from partner 1 to work to partner 2 to home to work and some days I am very frustrated that it feels like my partners are getting the brunt of emotional processing

How about cutting down on your activities? Let go of some of the relationships? Could schedule time for REST and your own self care as priority #1. Because you cannot attend to other people well if you don't attend to you first. Trying to do stuff when bone dry and on zero gas? That's a good way to burn out even more. No wonder you are tired. :(

Could stop putting other people first. Could put YOU and your well-being first.

It was a bit of a surprise to me to discover that when other people feel love they are "floating on cloud nine" and "wearing a shit eating smile". I've never felt that rush. I associate love with obligation and taking care of people. Like two oxen in a yoke, I often consider if the other ox falls, am I willing to carry the cart? That's always how I've felt of love. It's chains and fetters to keep me anchored.

Do you include loving yourself as part of that list? Where you are obligated to do your own self care and nurture and exercise self-compassion? How is overscheduling yourself helping to nurture you? :confused:

Other than "chains and fetters" -- how else do you feel grounded/connected?

And I struggle trying to understand how to feel joy.

It's a two part thing to me. I don't drain my happy bucket by doing stuff I find a drag or depleting. I don't do "chains and fetters or obligations." I practice "joyful yes."

If I think doing something is a "joyful yes" thing that I can do with joy and enthusiasm, then I sign up to do it. Sometimes it's a lot of work (ex: organizing charity things) but I really want to do it and the work ultimately is fulfulling to me.

If I think doing something is inauthentic, a drag, obligations my heart is not really into, "fake", or too little a return on my investment -- I just don't sign up to do those. They can find someone else. I am also ok with the thing just going undone. I do not have to be the Doer of All.

I am struggling to understand myself and others. And I'm happy to have my relationship with Awpti continue though I find myself dreading this future year.

If I felt dread like that? I would put me first. I would give me a rest from Awpti and his wife's roller coaster stuff. It's about the same advice I said before in December. Getting (sometimes I feel in a good subspace with Awpti) is not enough return for me to put up with (dread, upset, and roller coaster). Too high a price of admission to me.

If it is too high for you too? You could ask him to stop telling you so much about that side of the V -- keep it separate, and no more intrusions on your shared time. You could ask less often about his spouse so you too give yourself some space away from the wacky.

And if he cannot do it? I would tell him to look me up when he has sorted all the stuff with his wife for sure. Either divorced, or she's done the work already so it's not like "same old song, different day."

I would not enjoy my only time with a partner being in the back seat of a car, or all this drama. If me choosing to participating in this polyship at this time is leaving me chronically tired/drained? I have to stop participating the same way if I want to feel less tired/less drained. That means more distance.

Either by having (a very separate V and asking less about the spouse) or (a break up) to me. Both grant more space.

I was invited to their home to overnight, in their bed, when metamour was out of state on a trip. I did give permission to hinge to answer a text message in the middle of sex and collaring because he said metamour doesn't normally machine gun send texts but it turned out she was very sad and wanted his support.

This was a problem in the past -- interrupting sex with you to attend to phone. I'm not sure why you don't have an agreement together to turn all phones off during sex.

If it were me? I would prefer he not even ask me if he can take a text during sex. That is not being present. He could firm it up on his own end and not take it, esp since she's out of town with her other partner and can turn to them for help. Turn his phone OFF.

But if he's asking me? I would have said "No. This is our time. No taking calls or texts. All phones are off."

Why are you not willing to put what you need first? You seemed to want and need (uninterrupted sex/collaring.) When you say "OK take a text" how does that meet your need? It doesn't. And you ended upset. :(

I could be wrong.... but it is like you bend over backwards to put all Awpti stuff first in the hopes he will return the favor and put all your things first. When it's easier to just put your things first yourself, and let him look out for his things. Each person handling their own stuff, their own baggage. Then everyone is seen to, nobody is shortchanged.

Rather than you getting overloaded with all the stuff, and you end up shortchanging yourself. :(

Galagirl
 
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