Questions about hanging out with my metamour

sleepless

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BACK STORY

My partner, Apple (male, gay), recently started dating a new guy, Jacket (male, gay). They started dating after only three group hangouts, one in which I was present and the other two I wasn't. Since they started dating they haven't been sexually intimate (aside from kissing), but I've been having a pretty hard time dealing with my fears of abandonment, and issues with jealousy and self-sabotage (which I am doing a lot of personal work on to understand and learn about) since this is the first seemingly-serious interest Apple has had outside of our relationship. Apple is really enjoying his time with Jacket, and they have been seeing each other about two times a week for the past three weeks. I've had very minimal interactions with Jacket, and so far he seems like a great guy from what I can tell.

With Apple's permission, I asked Jacket to hang out so we can get to know each other a bit more, since it seems like Jacket is becoming more a part of Apple's life and I know that Apple really seems to like him. Apple told me he was interested in joining us and then we got into a brief discussion about how if we were all to get together I'd want to make everyone (including myself) felt as comfortable in this situation as possible. I asked him if there was a certain type of hang out (i.e. coffee shop, museum, dinner, etc.) that he would prefer, but he didn't really have any opinion on it and said I should make the plans with Jacket and then fill him in. He also said he might not even want to join us, unless it fit into his schedule, which seemed really passive for a situation that I'm feeling very nervous and intimidated by. I really want to get to know Jacket and see if there's any chance we could be friends, or maybe even more, so I'm struggling a bit with what to do in this situation...

QUESTIONS

Apple and I are generally not too physically affectionate in public spaces, aside from holding hands and wrapping arms around each other... and an occasional light kiss (no make out sessions). Apple told me that Jacket and him tend to be a bit more affectionate when they hang out with each other one-on-one (hand on leg, leaning on each other, intense eye contact) since they aren't generally in private spaces with each other much and I realize they are definitely in the NRE phase. I'm not quite sure how I would feel yet if Jacket were to be overly affectionate with Apple while I was with them. How should I go about this? I want to tell Jacket it is OK for him to be affectionate with Apple, but I also don't want to have an emotional reaction that I can't control if he does something that I feel uncomfortable about.

I kind of think it would be better to do a one-on-one hang out with Jacket, doing something more casual like a sit down coffee hang out so we can actually talk and get to know each other (and maybe talk a bit about our affection for Apple without making him feel weird that we're talking about him right in front of him). Also, I have always thought Jacket was attractive, so should I be allowed to approach a one-on-one hang out as more than just a getting to know my metamour situation? And what happens if the attraction isn't reciprocated? It's all so confusing and weird and new.

Any advice? HELP! Thanks :)
 
Jacket is not, as a metamor, under any obligation to hang out with you. That's the whole "kitchen table" vs. "parallel" conundrum. Try letting this be a true "V" for a while and see if Jacket becomes more comfortable. It's HIS call; don't pressure him.

As for trying to make this relationship a true triad, I would not do anything to force it at this point. Just let both of them know that you are open to socializing together as a threesome. If Jacket starts inviting you to more and more events, then maybe you might consider something more than friendship is happening. However, if they just want to be by themselves, you need to respect it.
 
I would just approach it as a “getting to know you” kind of thing. Ask about interests that Apple has told you about Jacket. Do coffee so that there’s no obligation for it to last longer than 45 min-1hr. I wouldn’t be overly flirtatious or treat it like a date, but it’s okay to be cute and complimentary.
 
Jacket is not, as a metamor, under any obligation to hang out with you. That's the whole "kitchen table" vs. "parallel" conundrum. Try letting this be a true "V" for a while and see if Jacket becomes more comfortable. It's HIS call; don't pressure him.

As for trying to make this relationship a true triad, I would not do anything to force it at this point. Just let both of them know that you are open to socializing together as a threesome. If Jacket starts inviting you to more and more events, then maybe you might consider something more than friendship is happening. However, if they just want to be by themselves, you need to respect it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts =)

Jacket has been very comfortable with the idea of getting to know me and is open to hanging out - I invited him to a hike that I was going on with some friend, but he couldn't go to it so he offered a movie night and coffee shop hang out. We've had a few interactions since Apple and him started dating and I don't think he overthinks things as much as I do, and he comes across as very comfortable in person and text. From what Apple has told me, he is very laid back and open to a lot of possibilities in life. I am not going to force things between Jacket and me, although I would love a friendship to develop if he does become a bigger part of Apple's life, and I am definitely going make sure that Apple and Jacket have the space that they need to develop their relationship separately from me.
 
From what I can gather, it's early days yet, re: the relationship between your partner Apple and his new love interest, Jacket. They have barely even gotten involved and are still in the earliest stages of NRE. (At time of writing OP, you said that they hadn't yet been overtly sexual with each other, but had done some making out.)

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to get to know Jacket a little better, per se. But I am not sure it's wise to rush to insert yourself into their dynamic at this stage. Let THEM get to really know each other first and decide if this "thing" that has developed between them will grow into something more serious or permanent BEFORE trying too hard to become "friends" with Jacket yourself.

Also... be honest with yourself and your own motivations. Figure out if your interest in getting to know Jacket a little better is actually due to:

- Your own attraction to him. (You can't help it if you find your partner's OSO physically attractive, or enjoy his personality. But be very wary of harbouring fantasies of Apple and Jacket being willing to expand their budding relationship into some form of triad or group play, especially at this early stage. In fact, I'd shy right away from being the one to bring up any suggestion of such a thing until either you know Jacket much better, and/or he or Apple bring it up as a possibility.)

- The jealousy factor. (Sure, it can be tough knowing your love is developing feelings for someone else, especially if you aren't quite ready to witness the "proof" of this budding romance before your very eyes. If you're not comfortable seeing Apple and Jacket hold hands, kiss or smooch in public or in the living spaces of your home - if you live together - then you may have to set your own boundaries, which may include not encroaching on their time together until you feel more settled and secure.

However, you cannot force Apple to be "equally" as physically affectionate with you OR STOP those two from expressing themselves this way on THEIR dates unless you and Apple have some sort of prior agreement about this.)

- Insecurity on your behalf. This goes hand in hand with jealousy, usually, but you might want to examine the reasons behind the pangs of jealousy you mention. Do you think your feelings stem from insecurity that Apple may leave you for Jacket? Or that he may prefer hanging out or being physical with Jacket, over you? Do you feel you're going to be "left out" if they grow closer, even if Apple stays with you, and this notion is what's fuelling your desire to befriend Jacket yourself?
 
It sounds like a million things are swirling around in your head right now. If meeting Jacket is making you feel intimidated and nervous then hold off. Let Apple have a chance to pursue this on his own. If he and Jacket progress then maybe Jacket will naturally be in your life more.

Think about what GalaGirl wrote.
 
Hi sleepless,

I am thinking you should get together with Jacket without Apple being there. I suggest meeting Jacket for coffee ... something light, so that you can have a light conversation with him. Don't try to force anything like kissing ... just let things progress naturally as they will.

You do seem to be struggling a bit with a fear of being left behind. Like the more Apple and Jacket get involved, the less love and attention you will receive ... unless you can get involved with Jacket before it gets to that point. Not that there's anything wrong with you and Jacket meeting and growing a relationship ... but do try to dig under the surface of that insecurity. Do you trust Apple? Are you worried about NRE?

Anyway, those are just a few of my thoughts. I hope everything works out for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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