Long distance and poly

Crona

New member
Hi everyone!
I'm new here, so please excuse my potential confusion with all the terms and stuff. I just need someone to discuss my status with.

I'm in a poly relationship with two people, one male, one female (I'm f). We are a thrice (I like that term better than anything else i've heard so far). They were a couple when I met him, but after a few dates with just him I wanted to meet the lovely lady he was always talking about. We soon found out, that we (the other girl and me) like each other more than expected (we're both bi, so that helps in that situation). So now we are in this triangular thingy. Which works pretty well. We don't have a hierarchy per se, there are other people involved too, but not in our thrice situation (our between two parts of the thrice).
The only thing is, they live together, I live 6000 miles away. I was working there when we met. We are visiting a lot, talking on the phone... long distance is never easy.
My current problem is, that I feel like the 6th toe. Its nice to have but also...unnecessary. Has anyone else dealt with not feeling like a second grade partner when its not the arrangement but an external factor (like the distance) that is causing it? We talked about it, but we haven't found a solution to it.
I would love to hear what you think about this situation.

love,
Crona
 
I can relate, though I'm not exactly in the same situation.

For the past couple of years I've been in a long distance "V" relationship with two people (1F, 1M - I am female) who both live in the US, while I live in Australia. I met both of them online, as friends only at first, and although I knew they were friends with each other, I wasn't aware at first that they were involved in a "friends with benefits" situation.

That ended when I became romantically involved with the man, although they remained very close. Eventually I also began a relationship with the woman. (Hence our Vee.)

I admit I've struggled with feelings of being left out, excluded, envy, jealousy and insecurity - because they live a lot closer to each other and can (and have) gone away on trips together without me. They also have a longer history together.

They don't live together, are no longer in a romantic relationship with each other, and anything sexual between them is rare and only occurs when I'm also involved, so it's not as if I fear they will cheat on me (with each other or with anyone else)... it's more a sadness at being unavoidably excluded from their other activities together.

I deal with the feelings of isolation and loneliness as best as I can - with regular phonecalls, messages and the like - and have another trip to the States planned. (The goal is to move there permanently.)

None of us have any partners outside this Vee, so getting touch and intimacy needs met is also a problem (only so much can be achieved online) :p We're trying to live with it because we envisage this being a temporary separation.

Do you think there is any chance you and your partners will once again find yourselves living/working in closer proximity, or are there any plans to make this happen? Because unless it's on the cards sometime in the future - or you can afford to fly back and forth on a regular basis - I can't imagine keeping up your situation indefinitely.

If you currently give more weight to your "thrice" relationship/s than to other partnerships outside of it... you may have to consider de-escalating the importance you place in it, and look to other relationships closer to home in order to fulfil your fundamental needs. I'm not suggesting you break it off with them, but rather, try to transition your relationships with these people to a secondary role, even on a temporary basis until your future trajectory becomes clearer.

Have you discussed your feelings of isolation with your partners? Do they understand? Have any of you suggested ways they could include you more so as to better bridge the distance?
 
Also, how long have you dated this pair? Is it considered a closed triad? (I've never heard the term "thrice" before in this context, by the way.)

In my opinion, long distance relationships SUCK! I tried it when I was new to poly. I personally, need to have regular physical contact with my romantic partners. Cybersex was kind of fun when I was new to poly, but it got old fast. I just need to have my lover's hands, mouth, boobs, ass, genitals in contact with my actual body, tyvm.

I understand others can deal with it, especially if you dated, or lived together, or were even married to your SO, for a long time (say 2 years minimum), and it's only a temporary arrangement, ie, military service, or for educational reasons.

But otherwise? Yes, I might stay in contact, but I'd focus on dating others locally. Otherwise I think I'd be overwrought with envy that (as in your case) my partners had each other, every day, for companionship and bed, and I'm out in the cold.
 
Hi, thanks for your replies!

It feels nice hearing other perspectives on the situation.

We have talked about me feeling abandoned, but more talking probably won't make it easier. We do have plans to close the distance, but I have just taken on a new job, so it will be a while before we can get out of this situation.
My moving to a new city where I know absolutely no-one is probably contributing to my emotional reaction.

I do see your point, focussing more on local relationships (not just romantic ones) is probably going to help. I lost sight of that a little bit, so thank you for that! (Seriously, no sarcasm here).

I definitely have to work some more on it to feel ok again, shifting the focus off the relationship is my next goal. (Not breaking up, but me living a little less in my head shouldn't hurt).

love,
Crona
 
I do see your point, focussing more on local relationships (not just romantic ones) is probably going to help. I lost sight of that a little bit, so thank you for that! (Seriously, no sarcasm here).

I definitely have to work some more on it to feel ok again, shifting the focus off the relationship is my next goal. (Not breaking up, but me living a little less in my head shouldn't hurt).

You're welcome. Admittedly you have limited options available since you want to stay in the relationship, which I understand... so I'm glad if we were able to offer a slightly different perspective re: something to work on.

Because I can definitely relate to the circular problem that stems from "living in (one's) head" too much of the time. This is what happened to me when my bf Jester became less and less communicative, which caused me to overthink and perseverate on what I *wasn't* getting.

Intellectually, I realised I couldn't change either him or our situation for the time being, and that meant I should really start focussing more on other people and life situations "outside" of our relationship - but found it exceptionally difficult to actually DO this in reality. At the moment we're on a break/hiatus (my choice) because I recognised I was becoming depressed and consumed with wanting something I couldn't have.

If YOU can manage to focus your attentions and invest your time elsewhere while still maintaining the relationships you have at some level, that will serve you well across the board.
 
Hello Crona,

Long-distance relationships are really hard, I sympathize with you. Do you ever worry that this couple will lose interest in you because you are far away? Does this create a sense of urgency about moving to live closer to them? Sometimes we fear things even if they're unlikely to happen.

I don't have any particular advice for you although the others have posted good advice and I agree with them. I just want to wish your thrice well and hope things will work out for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IME? There's nothing inherently "hard" about LDRs. Sure, we missed each other when separated by months & miles, but as we all had busy lives we kept plenty active, & weren't depending on each other for any "one & only" nonsense.

The problem stems from trying to have a primary LDR. That can suck; I didn't like being apart from Annie for most of a year, & sometimes wondered whether distance would separate us permanently.

But aren't we talking polyamory here, where we have plenty of latitude for multiple relationships?

A few decades ago, there was none of this Interwebs stuff, much less omnipresent cellphones & social media. Tech has made it MUCH easier to expect second-by-second updates & constant 24/7 "reassurance." The result isn't so much in "connectedness" but in driving ourselves crazy obsessing over someone who's out of reach.

Really, the only choices appear to be
  • have more than one relationship, OR
  • don't go gallivanting all over the world.
Stop carrot-dangling yourself: set a priority & stick to it.
 
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