So, Open, it's the weekend. Your new gf (a nickname would help) is on her way to Las Vegas to see her OSO (other significant other)? Or maybe she's already there. She plans to have a good old "what happens here, stays here" time?
So, how you doin'? Scared, upset, jealous, envious, pissed off, anxious? Or kind of relaxed and chill and taking a "come what may" attitude.
I wonder, since you say you often don't have good boundaries. (You act as doormat?)
Thanks again for the continued support and thoughts to consider as I wrangle with all kinds of new emotions, ideas, and concepts in a sort time. I've come back to this so many times for more views and reminders. It's really helped!
To put it or there for clarification, I'm a 36yo man, straight, and monogamous. Not that it totally matters, but I'm new here and thought I'd give myself a little better intro for consistency. My bad for not clarifying earlier.
Thanks for clarifying. Actually your gender does matter because men are often more upset by "their" woman having sex with another man, that another woman would be. This is just a cultural reality.
She and I have continued further, much deeper discussions in the last couple days. Primarily to gain knowledge of each other's expectations going in that we had obviously missed, since I was caught pretty off-guard and confused.
She will only feel compelled to restrain from sex with her FWB only once the "committed relationship" point were reached. I trust that she would restrain, now that I have a better understanding of her needs & wants, but she simply doesn't feel compelled to because we hadn't set boundaries yet. She does have interest in me for a LTR, but the timing has been just all wrong.
OK, so sex with her old FWB is on the table. And you feel...?
BTW, that smacks of monogamy to me. She'll give up sex with her FWB (and with anyone else) once a "committed relationship" is happening with you? So, she's not really poly?
We've established we both messed up...
I felt the right to know about other partners before we had sex, but didn't bother asking. She assumed that since she's comfortable having sex with multiple people, that I'd be ok with it. (That's not the only place we messed up, but we have gotten to a place of honesty and understanding)
I've been able to establish that I'd be uncomfortable with her hooking up with him, and that if she does (it's a forgone conclusion at this point), I'm going to need to re-evaluate how I feel about continuing to see her. I pretty much left it there.
What does "uncomfortable" mean to you? How does that manifest? Mildly uncomfortable is quite different from discomfort to the point of agony.
Now, it's my time to take a step back and do some honest soul searching. I've felt insecurities come pouring in that need to be dealt with. I'm pulling way back as I must first gain a better understanding of my "self" as I kinda got lost in the situation.
This weekend I'll be working on detachment and questioning my views on monogamy. I'm certainly going to keep diving into poly research too. Some healthy, long-overdue stuff there.
So you feel that, to be OK with your new gf's polyamorous nature, you must do a (Buddhist?) detachment thing? Good luck with that. I myself, am not Buddhist, and I can't differentiate detachment from "not giving a shit what you do because I'm stuffing my feelings down and replacing them with anger and lack of respect."
I am sympathetic to her side as she obviously isn't very well versed in navigating early poly relationships, from what I'm picking up in my readings, and from her. She's not guilty of ill-intent, just carelessness... which may be forgiven.
How long has she been practicing polyamory, I wonder? It's kind of Poly101 to let each new dating partner or prospect know you're poly from the get go, either on the first meeting, or prior to the first date, by phone/text, if you met online. If only because of a need for practicing "safer sex," with each person. Of course safer sex is always necessary, but especially when you know full well you are going to be shagging multiple people concurrently.
Is this "polyamory" idea almost as new to her as it is to you? If that's the case, don't disrespect her for being nearly as ignorant of the best way to practice it, as you are.
She's expressed high caution with safe sex. I trust her there. I cautiously trust she'll be honest with me once the trip is done. That's something I plan to assess later... unless that's highly un-recommended?
If she has guaranteed you that she will be using condoms for intercourse with both the FWB, and with you (and with any other men who might come into her life), and you also agree you want to use condoms with her, and with any other women who might come into your life... that's good. You can discuss fluid bonding with any partner as the relationship goes on and trust grows sex health testing is done, etc.
She was trying to explain what her vision of a polyamorous relationship looks like to her. Not necessarily with me. I had inserted myself in there. She's giving me strong signals I'm a candidate for her model, but she's not there yet.
Again, it sounds like she's new to poly. She isn't aware that NRE (infatuation) can make one feel all googly towards a person with whom the sex is great, to the point of making, not just dating plans for the future (like, "I'm going to an event in a month or two, would you like to come?"), but tossing out things like, "I want a 'primary' (whatever that means!), and you might be The One."
I've been practicing poly for 9 years... I never told anyone (or gave "strong signals") after one month I wanted them to possibly be my primary. I let that "status" just sort of evolve with my current anchor partner. We dated between our 2 cities for 3.5 years before getting a place together, for example.
She is my "primary." I don't really use that word much. I say anchor partner. I'm open to another person becoming very important in my life, and I have had other serious relationships.
But she has co-primaries, me and her bf of 5 years. And she has let the relationships with each of us evolve. I found I was fine with her having him be important in her life. I am perfectly comfortable with it. She's a good hinge. I knew she'd be a good hinge (able to balance her 2 SO's) because she's proved to me bit by bit, incrementally, that she can handle her time well, and her ability to be open and honest, and to take care of both his, and my, needs.
I'd recommend you both lay off the primary discussions for a good while. You've both got lots of research to do and talks to have. You can read
More Than Two (book and website)
Opening Up (book)
The Ethical Slut (book)