Advice please - new gal interested in poly, but I'm uncertain

In a one-month-old relationship, these words (hearing or feeling them) would end it for me.

I'm nearly there. I also recognize some toxic junk that I'm bringing to this, that I feel the need to sort through. Not just for her sake by any means. I see my issues as potentially problematic in the future, so a bit unfair to her if I completely turn and walk.
 
Thanks for clarifying gender -- I was under the wrong impression and moving forward I'll go with he/him.

In terms of the original problem, that seems to be solved enough for now with:

I've been able to establish that I'd be uncomfortable with her hooking up with him, and that if she does (it's a forgone conclusion at this point), I'm going to need to re-evaluate how I feel about continuing to see her. I pretty much left it there.

At this time, it sounds like maybe you want some help figuring out and articulating what you want/do not want in a dating partner. Not necessarily in her, but in general. Is that it?

If so... could start with this.

I would probably just end it if I can't handle this type of relationship at this time.

That sounds like a dealbreaker to you. You will end something if you can no longer handle it. Fair enough.

So what has to be there to get INTO it in the first place?

And what has to be there to continue beyond initial attraction/first dew dates?

Like there's enough to go out a few times, but what else has to be there to go for longer? What would make up "deep compatibility" and not just "initial compatibility?"

So far I've been reading things that point to "not compatible."
  • You are monogamous.
  • You limits/preferences are too conservative for her to enjoy/be compatible with.
  • She seems to lack the level of awareness and sensitivity to your feelings that you want in a partner.
  • You've lost respect for her and seriously questions compatibility.

What keeps this going/makes this relationship compatible? Or what would need to be there, but is not?

Maybe once you have identified/articulated these things to yourself it will become easier for you to be less passive?

Galagirl
 
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Virtually everything on that last post is accurate. Thank you for helping to articulate. Especially this...

At this time, it sounds like maybe you want some help figuring out and articulating what you want/do not want in a dating partner. Not necessarily in her, but in general. Is that it?
Galagirl


Not so much this though...

You are monogamous

At least, I'm bringing this into question. I have pre-conceived notions and a history with monogamous relationships that lead me to believe I may be trying to operate within a framework that could be making me unhappy. I'm willing to explore and challenge my existing beliefs and behavior.

This seems like an EXCELLENT place to reach for help :)

Thank you for the very valid points I need to be considering. That's exactly what I'm looking for!
 
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I have pre-conceived notions and a history with monogamous relationships that lead me to believe I may be trying to operate within a framework that could be making me unhappy

Possible.

Or maybe the monogamous framework is ok and it could be the passive relating style or lack of boundaries that lead to unhappiness in the past.

Or both framework and this other stuff.

Could think about all that while you do your soul searching. I might guess wrong, but if I did guess? I would suspect a combo of things is more likely than just one thing.

Galagirl
 
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So, Open, it's the weekend. Your new gf (a nickname would help) is on her way to Las Vegas to see her OSO (other significant other)? Or maybe she's already there. She plans to have a good old "what happens here, stays here" time?

So, how you doin'? Scared, upset, jealous, envious, pissed off, anxious? Or kind of relaxed and chill and taking a "come what may" attitude.

I wonder, since you say you often don't have good boundaries. (You act as doormat?)

Thanks again for the continued support and thoughts to consider as I wrangle with all kinds of new emotions, ideas, and concepts in a sort time. I've come back to this so many times for more views and reminders. It's really helped!

To put it or there for clarification, I'm a 36yo man, straight, and monogamous. Not that it totally matters, but I'm new here and thought I'd give myself a little better intro for consistency. My bad for not clarifying earlier.

Thanks for clarifying. Actually your gender does matter because men are often more upset by "their" woman having sex with another man, that another woman would be. This is just a cultural reality.

She and I have continued further, much deeper discussions in the last couple days. Primarily to gain knowledge of each other's expectations going in that we had obviously missed, since I was caught pretty off-guard and confused.

She will only feel compelled to restrain from sex with her FWB only once the "committed relationship" point were reached. I trust that she would restrain, now that I have a better understanding of her needs & wants, but she simply doesn't feel compelled to because we hadn't set boundaries yet. She does have interest in me for a LTR, but the timing has been just all wrong.

OK, so sex with her old FWB is on the table. And you feel...?

BTW, that smacks of monogamy to me. She'll give up sex with her FWB (and with anyone else) once a "committed relationship" is happening with you? So, she's not really poly?

We've established we both messed up...

I felt the right to know about other partners before we had sex, but didn't bother asking. She assumed that since she's comfortable having sex with multiple people, that I'd be ok with it. (That's not the only place we messed up, but we have gotten to a place of honesty and understanding)

I've been able to establish that I'd be uncomfortable with her hooking up with him, and that if she does (it's a forgone conclusion at this point), I'm going to need to re-evaluate how I feel about continuing to see her. I pretty much left it there.

What does "uncomfortable" mean to you? How does that manifest? Mildly uncomfortable is quite different from discomfort to the point of agony.

Now, it's my time to take a step back and do some honest soul searching. I've felt insecurities come pouring in that need to be dealt with. I'm pulling way back as I must first gain a better understanding of my "self" as I kinda got lost in the situation.

This weekend I'll be working on detachment and questioning my views on monogamy. I'm certainly going to keep diving into poly research too. Some healthy, long-overdue stuff there.

So you feel that, to be OK with your new gf's polyamorous nature, you must do a (Buddhist?) detachment thing? Good luck with that. I myself, am not Buddhist, and I can't differentiate detachment from "not giving a shit what you do because I'm stuffing my feelings down and replacing them with anger and lack of respect." ;)

I am sympathetic to her side as she obviously isn't very well versed in navigating early poly relationships, from what I'm picking up in my readings, and from her. She's not guilty of ill-intent, just carelessness... which may be forgiven.

How long has she been practicing polyamory, I wonder? It's kind of Poly101 to let each new dating partner or prospect know you're poly from the get go, either on the first meeting, or prior to the first date, by phone/text, if you met online. If only because of a need for practicing "safer sex," with each person. Of course safer sex is always necessary, but especially when you know full well you are going to be shagging multiple people concurrently.

Is this "polyamory" idea almost as new to her as it is to you? If that's the case, don't disrespect her for being nearly as ignorant of the best way to practice it, as you are.

She's expressed high caution with safe sex. I trust her there. I cautiously trust she'll be honest with me once the trip is done. That's something I plan to assess later... unless that's highly un-recommended?

If she has guaranteed you that she will be using condoms for intercourse with both the FWB, and with you (and with any other men who might come into her life), and you also agree you want to use condoms with her, and with any other women who might come into your life... that's good. You can discuss fluid bonding with any partner as the relationship goes on and trust grows sex health testing is done, etc.


She was trying to explain what her vision of a polyamorous relationship looks like to her. Not necessarily with me. I had inserted myself in there. She's giving me strong signals I'm a candidate for her model, but she's not there yet.

Again, it sounds like she's new to poly. She isn't aware that NRE (infatuation) can make one feel all googly towards a person with whom the sex is great, to the point of making, not just dating plans for the future (like, "I'm going to an event in a month or two, would you like to come?"), but tossing out things like, "I want a 'primary' (whatever that means!), and you might be The One."

I've been practicing poly for 9 years... I never told anyone (or gave "strong signals") after one month I wanted them to possibly be my primary. I let that "status" just sort of evolve with my current anchor partner. We dated between our 2 cities for 3.5 years before getting a place together, for example.

She is my "primary." I don't really use that word much. I say anchor partner. I'm open to another person becoming very important in my life, and I have had other serious relationships.

But she has co-primaries, me and her bf of 5 years. And she has let the relationships with each of us evolve. I found I was fine with her having him be important in her life. I am perfectly comfortable with it. She's a good hinge. I knew she'd be a good hinge (able to balance her 2 SO's) because she's proved to me bit by bit, incrementally, that she can handle her time well, and her ability to be open and honest, and to take care of both his, and my, needs.

I'd recommend you both lay off the primary discussions for a good while. You've both got lots of research to do and talks to have. You can read

More Than Two (book and website)
Opening Up (book)
The Ethical Slut (book)
 
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So, Open, it's the weekend. Your new gf (a nickname would help) is on her way to Las Vegas to see her OSO (other significant other)? Or maybe she's already there. She plans to have a good old "what happens here, stays here" time?

So, how you doin'? Scared, upset, jealous, envious, pissed off, anxious? Or kind of relaxed and chill and taking a "come what may" attitude.

Let's call her RayRay or RR to keep it even simpler.

Yep, she's there. I was pretty anxious all of last week, leading up to her departure. I was able to fall into the "come what may" attitude pretty quickly. There have been moments of being pissed that I'm in this situation, followed by gratitude that I can look at my stuff now... which I see as overdue (sex and intimacy, what it really means to me, and how to have these talks *before* I get all butt-hurt)

There's definitely some jealousy, but not so much in a possessive way, more like an insecure "aren't I enough" kind of way.

I'm conflicted about the level of compersion I'm feeling. I'm trying really hard to search for that, but not totally there. Sure, I really do want her to be happy, and have a good time by doing whatever makes her happy. I won't be upset if that doesn't involve me as we're so new.

However, I'm certainly *not* enjoying the fact that RR is doing this. I think that's coming from envy (not having what she has) in some ways. I feel kinda left out, but I certainly don't feel comfortable being involved... if that makes any sense, whatsoever?

She's maintained a fairly regular level of contact with me since she left (compared to her usual). That's more for her than me- some doormat tendency there, sure. She's respecting my TMI boundaries as best possible, and mostly checking in with my weekend activities. It's nice, but feels pretty awkward to me. I feel the desire to distance myself for personal protection, at the same time I enjoy a personal challenge where I feel real growth could come. I definitely see some personal growth here, so I'm not fighting the situation playing out.


I wonder, since you say you often don't have good boundaries. (You act as doormat?)
I should clarify that I haven't been good with *setting* clear and established boundaries. Let alone be able to communicate them. Yes, I have boundaries, but I'll operate around those grey edges until I feel like one has been clearly crossed. Then, you all probably know the rest. I'm realizing what a blunder this is.

I'm not so swayed by people to adjust my boundaries very easily to theirs. I may be guilty on some levels of this within reason - people I deeply respect and trust.



BTW, that smacks of monogamy to me. She'll give up sex with her FWB (and with anyone else) once a "committed relationship" is happening with you? So, she's not really poly?
...
Is this "polyamory" idea almost as new to her as it is to you? If that's the case, don't disrespect her for being nearly as ignorant of the best way to practice it, as you are.

Very good points. Some of this kinda stinks of her just wanting it both ways, without consequences. She *may* just be using her high sex drive and free-spirited nature to see who will come along for the ride. She may not truly be poly, but if she is, she certainly hasn't learned to follow the framework.

Thanks for the reminder about respect. It can be tough if emotions run high.



So you feel that, to be OK with your new gf's polyamorous nature, you must do a (Buddhist?) detachment thing? Good luck with that. I myself, am not Buddhist, and I can't differentiate detachment from "not giving a shit what you do because I'm stuffing my feelings down and replacing them with anger and lack of respect." ;)

It's less about finding a way to be ok with it, and more like finding out if I even have it in me to be ok with it. Kinda back to my level of compersion that I'm discovering.

If I'm coming from a place of anger and disrespect, those are things that I'm bringing into this. I feel the need to look at those things and find where they're coming from. The opposite of stuffing them down. If they're valid and threaten my well-being, I stay away the best I can. If they're not valid, or are things that I simply haven't addressed yet (there are many that I'm discovering at this point in my life) I need to address them first.
 
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