Hi all,
Really happy to find this site. Hopefully I can connect with some of you and continue to learn about myself.
About me: 29 yr old cis male that grew up in a relatively traditional household. Through a former girlfriend, I discovered the world of kink and BDSM and oh boy. I have now been a dom for the past 6 years and have had some great experiences, relationships and connections.
I have dated multiple partners at the same time but outside the boundaries of a defined relationship (just friends, or just play partners). I find that when I develop feelings for someone I do not like to share them either physically or emotionally.
What ends up happening for me when I’m dating multiple women is that one eventually becomes more serious and the others slowly fade into the background. After that I switch to a 100% monogamous relationship. I am very open in all my interactions and never hide the fact that I’m seeing multiple women. Again, once I’m in a relationship, I am with that person only, and expect the same.
I met this girl online a couple months back and at the time, we were both seeing other people. We eventually met in person, started to see each other more regularly, and entered a dom/sub relationship. At the time we met, she had told me that she identified herself as polyamorous and that she did not see dating a single person. I didn’t care at the time because we weren’t really dating.
When I noticed her getting more serious, I brought up the fact that she was poly, and how this was a deal breaker for me in a committed relationship. She assured me time and time again that she did not feel the need to be with anyone else and that she felt fulfilled with me in every way. She even said she was reconsidering polyamory and if that’s what she wanted at all. She did say that she couldn’t make any promises about this changing in the future, to which I replied I couldn’t promise to stay with her if this happened.
Since meeting her, I have become more open to the idea of polyamory, and have read plenty of articles about the subject. Fast forward a couple more months, and we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. We both stopped seeing other people, and have been 100% monogamous for the last 3 months. She recently brought up the idea of having an open relationship. Not polyamory, but what I’ve heard being defined as a polysexual relationship, where the two partners only have sex with other people but are otherwise in a monogamous relationship. I am highly against this. I don’t particularly want to have sex with other people, and I don’t even like casual sex. I find sex more fulfilling when it’s done with someone you have a connection with that is beyond physical, even if you are not in a committed relationship with them, and this is something that takes time to build.
I told her that I may be open to the idea of her having sex with other men, if I had another girlfriend. My rationale here is that if I’m not committed 100% to her, and dedicating all my energy, time and attention to just her, then maybe it won’t bother me as much if she wants to occasionally spend the night with someone else. Her response to this was very unexpected.
She was angry and heartbroken and wouldn’t stop crying. She accused me of not loving her enough and could not comprehend how it would be even possible for me to consider being in a relationship with someone else. This is coming from someone who when we met, told me she had been polyamorous for years. She now says she no longer feels polyamorous since she met me, and only wants to be with me and build a relationship with me. She simply wants to have the freedom to occasionally have casual sex with others. I want her to be happy but I want to be happy as well. What she is proposing does not work for me. Casual sex is extremely easy for women as opposed to men, and as I said before, I don’t like casual sex. Sex gets better the more you do it with the same person and learn each other’s bodies. For me attraction is also something that takes time to build. I’m different from most men in that regard. I seek intimacy before sex. What she is proposing would mean I would be reduced to the following four options.
1) Being a cuck (sorry if this offends anyone. I know some men who are into this and I’m not sure if that is the correct term). There is no way in hell I’m going to just sit home and wait while my sweetheart is out there getting pounded by some random guy and then coming home to me like nothing happened. Again, I understand some people are into this, but it’s just not my cup of tea. I find the idea alone repulsive.
2) I would somehow get to know someone, build a connection and enough attraction between the two of us. Get physical with them, have a wonderful time and then end it abruptly because my girlfriend would feel threatened by me continuing to see this person long term. That is if I manage to convince a woman to have sex with me under these conditions because let’s face it, who the hell wants that? Then repeat.
3) Go to some sex site and meet random girls off the internet to have one-night stands with (again, not into that)
4) Try my luck at the bars and clubs (which I don’t like and have no time for) possibly get rejected dozens of times, come back home with my self-esteem shattered, to find my freshly f***ed girlfriend smiling from all the attention she’s getting.
I want her to be happy and fulfill her needs but this situation does not work for me. I’m not even really interested in polyamory and only brought up a second girlfriend as a way to mitigate the impending jealousy, heartbreak and insecurity I will feel if she starts having sex with other men. I’m starting to think that the best option here is to put an end to the relationship since I don’t see this working in the long-run.
Is my idea so far fetched? Am I really such an a**hole for thinking it?
I appreciate your input.
Really happy to find this site. Hopefully I can connect with some of you and continue to learn about myself.
About me: 29 yr old cis male that grew up in a relatively traditional household. Through a former girlfriend, I discovered the world of kink and BDSM and oh boy. I have now been a dom for the past 6 years and have had some great experiences, relationships and connections.
I have dated multiple partners at the same time but outside the boundaries of a defined relationship (just friends, or just play partners). I find that when I develop feelings for someone I do not like to share them either physically or emotionally.
What ends up happening for me when I’m dating multiple women is that one eventually becomes more serious and the others slowly fade into the background. After that I switch to a 100% monogamous relationship. I am very open in all my interactions and never hide the fact that I’m seeing multiple women. Again, once I’m in a relationship, I am with that person only, and expect the same.
I met this girl online a couple months back and at the time, we were both seeing other people. We eventually met in person, started to see each other more regularly, and entered a dom/sub relationship. At the time we met, she had told me that she identified herself as polyamorous and that she did not see dating a single person. I didn’t care at the time because we weren’t really dating.
When I noticed her getting more serious, I brought up the fact that she was poly, and how this was a deal breaker for me in a committed relationship. She assured me time and time again that she did not feel the need to be with anyone else and that she felt fulfilled with me in every way. She even said she was reconsidering polyamory and if that’s what she wanted at all. She did say that she couldn’t make any promises about this changing in the future, to which I replied I couldn’t promise to stay with her if this happened.
Since meeting her, I have become more open to the idea of polyamory, and have read plenty of articles about the subject. Fast forward a couple more months, and we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. We both stopped seeing other people, and have been 100% monogamous for the last 3 months. She recently brought up the idea of having an open relationship. Not polyamory, but what I’ve heard being defined as a polysexual relationship, where the two partners only have sex with other people but are otherwise in a monogamous relationship. I am highly against this. I don’t particularly want to have sex with other people, and I don’t even like casual sex. I find sex more fulfilling when it’s done with someone you have a connection with that is beyond physical, even if you are not in a committed relationship with them, and this is something that takes time to build.
I told her that I may be open to the idea of her having sex with other men, if I had another girlfriend. My rationale here is that if I’m not committed 100% to her, and dedicating all my energy, time and attention to just her, then maybe it won’t bother me as much if she wants to occasionally spend the night with someone else. Her response to this was very unexpected.
She was angry and heartbroken and wouldn’t stop crying. She accused me of not loving her enough and could not comprehend how it would be even possible for me to consider being in a relationship with someone else. This is coming from someone who when we met, told me she had been polyamorous for years. She now says she no longer feels polyamorous since she met me, and only wants to be with me and build a relationship with me. She simply wants to have the freedom to occasionally have casual sex with others. I want her to be happy but I want to be happy as well. What she is proposing does not work for me. Casual sex is extremely easy for women as opposed to men, and as I said before, I don’t like casual sex. Sex gets better the more you do it with the same person and learn each other’s bodies. For me attraction is also something that takes time to build. I’m different from most men in that regard. I seek intimacy before sex. What she is proposing would mean I would be reduced to the following four options.
1) Being a cuck (sorry if this offends anyone. I know some men who are into this and I’m not sure if that is the correct term). There is no way in hell I’m going to just sit home and wait while my sweetheart is out there getting pounded by some random guy and then coming home to me like nothing happened. Again, I understand some people are into this, but it’s just not my cup of tea. I find the idea alone repulsive.
2) I would somehow get to know someone, build a connection and enough attraction between the two of us. Get physical with them, have a wonderful time and then end it abruptly because my girlfriend would feel threatened by me continuing to see this person long term. That is if I manage to convince a woman to have sex with me under these conditions because let’s face it, who the hell wants that? Then repeat.
3) Go to some sex site and meet random girls off the internet to have one-night stands with (again, not into that)
4) Try my luck at the bars and clubs (which I don’t like and have no time for) possibly get rejected dozens of times, come back home with my self-esteem shattered, to find my freshly f***ed girlfriend smiling from all the attention she’s getting.
I want her to be happy and fulfill her needs but this situation does not work for me. I’m not even really interested in polyamory and only brought up a second girlfriend as a way to mitigate the impending jealousy, heartbreak and insecurity I will feel if she starts having sex with other men. I’m starting to think that the best option here is to put an end to the relationship since I don’t see this working in the long-run.
Is my idea so far fetched? Am I really such an a**hole for thinking it?
I appreciate your input.