Poly Feeling Trapped in Monogamous Relationship; Looking for Advice

AstridAsunder

New member
Hi. I'm new here.
I am a poly-pan girl in my early 30's.
In high school, I had open relationships with guys and girls who had been friends of mine, but was always told it was unnatural and wrong to be that way. By the end of high school, I met a man a few years shy of a decade older than me. We fell in love quickly, as I often did. I have a hard time not falling in love with my closest friends. I was convinced, as I think many people are, that monogamy was the only acceptable option in a relationship, and that anything else was generally frowned upon by society. Being young and stupid, and still confused by my feelings on a daily basis, I cheated by sleeping with best friends, (and I know, that is not in the spirit of polyamory, but it's part of my story). He found out, reprimanded me, but forgave me and took me back, begrudgingly at first. It took time to win back his trust, but I managed. It took years before he proposed, years more before the wedding. I slipped up, fell in love with best friends of mine again, kept relationships secret for 2 or 3 years, and managed to screw things up again with my (at this point) husband. Once again, he found out, chastised me again, and yet again forgave and took me back. I've been on the "straight and narrow" for nearly 10 years. After reading and researching and learning all I could, trying to figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't just stick with one partner and kept falling in love with my friends, I learned there wasn't anything wrong with me. Well, apart from the infidelity... and I have moderate to severe depression and mild to moderate anxiety, but that's for a different forum. I learned about poly (and pansexuality, too, as before I thought I was just bisexual). I was careful not to become close friends with people, but that was so lonely. I thought having kids would help with my desire to love more than one person, but it's DEFINITELY not the same. I befriended a gay man, figuring that even if I did fall in love with him, at least he wouldn't be interested in me. Well, that didn't work out either.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely despite having a wonderful, caring, sweet husband. I have suggested polyamory to him, but he is as straight and as monogamous as they come. He harbors much jealousy and possessiveness, traits which I used to think were cute and endearing and part of being in love, but now I resent. He can't even stand the thought of sharing me with another man. He has said "if we find the right girl, then maybe we can both be in a relationship with her," but it feels like a cop out. He doesn't try to meet people or bring people home. And despite being pan, I generally get along better with guys because I relate to them a lot better. I don't make friends easily with girls, and it's only very specific traits that I am attracted to; finding someone with the traits I enjoy who also is attracted to both my husband and myself seems like quite an impossible feat. I love my husband. We have sweet, wonderful, beautiful children. I don't want to upset my marriage, and I don't want to hurt him. But I feel trapped. I hate when he calls me "mine". Any time I start getting flirty with people, he reminds me of the things I've done in the past and to not make those mistakes again. I'm happiest with multiple relationships, and I feel stifled and empty without having close friends to be close with. Keeping everyone at arms length feels like it is killing my soul. And I don't know what to do any more.
 
Could allow the relationship shape to change.

And consider divorcing. And in time learning to be good friends with your wonderful, caring, sweet ex-husband and continuing to parent since you share children.

Then he is free FROM anything poly he does not want, and he is free TO seek a spouse who shares the same values as him for marriage if he wants that.

And you are free TO poly, and find a spouse who shares the same values as you for marriage if you want that.

Is that so horrible?

He cannot deliver the polyshipping you want. You cannot deliver the monogamous marriage he wants. Maybe it is time to accept it?

I think part of healthy living and loving is the ability to tell partner "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

I feel so lonely despite having a wonderful, caring, sweet husband.

He harbors much jealousy and possessiveness, traits which I used to think were cute and endearing and part of being in love, but now I resent.


But I feel trapped. I hate when he calls me "mine".

I'm happiest with multiple relationships, and I feel stifled and empty without having close friends to be close with. Keeping everyone at arms length feels like it is killing my soul. And I don't know what to do any more.

So I ask you... why are you participating in an ill-fitting monogamous marriage if doing so is hurting you? The people might be awesome -- awesome hubby, awesome you. But this relationship shape does not sound like it is working out for you in a healthy way. :(

I know divorce and ending the marriage part of your shared relationship with him is a big change to contemplate. And not one done overnight. I suggest you do the soul searching you need to do.

At the same time? Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl
 
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I've heard and read this story SO many times, with a few details different each time.

I honestly think we are overdue for a cultural paradigm shift about love and relationships. The old model is NOT working for millions and millions of people. And the huge problems some folks have, who want desperately to cling to monogamy / monogamism, are not what they seem to those who are having this trouble.

The monogamists will insist that their feelings about relationships have nothing to do with the notion of "people as property," but nevertheless, this is the root model behind monogamism. So there is a basic dishonesty at the root of these problems, I think. The collective, social learning curve about all of this will likely resemble the learning curve associated with stuff like racism and homophobia--even feminism. That curve was all about the gradual realization that "Oh, yeah, those are people, too!" So far, our dominant culture has not treated non-monogamy as anything other than a severe moral failing, a pathology, a sickness, the Devil's own work.... Sigh. We have a long way to go still.
 
Straight people can be poly. I am as heterosexual as they come and I am poly.

Why would your potiental partner need to be attractive to your husband?

Poly does not mean group sex or triads. Neither of my husbands have anything to do with the other. BTW they are both very hetero and both are monogmaous.
 
Hello AstridAsunder,

Sorry you are feeling trapped and lonesome. It sounds like you are looking for one of two solutions:

  • the right words to say that would convince your husband to become poly, or perhaps
  • the right words to say to yourself that would convince you to become monogamous.
I'm sorry to say that I don't know what those right words would be. And I don't know what else to suggest, as it doesn't sound like divorce is something you would consider an option. You can of course continue to read and post on this forum. Just being able to talk about how you feel may help. We can provide a listening ear.

Your husband sounds like a good man, just not a good match for you. :( I'm so sorry.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
He found out, reprimanded me, but forgave me and took me back, begrudgingly at first. It took time to win back his trust, but I managed.

I slipped up, kept relationships secret for 2 or 3 years
Once again, he found out, chastised me again, and yet again forgave and took me back. I've been on the "straight and narrow" for nearly 10 years.

I feel so lonely despite having a wonderful, caring, sweet husband. I have suggested polyamory to him, but he is as straight and as monogamous as they come. He harbors much jealousy and possessiveness, traits which I used to think were cute and endearing and part of being in love, but now I resent.

But I feel trapped. I hate when he calls me "mine". Any time I start getting flirty with people, he reminds me of the things I've done in the past and to not make those mistakes again.


Firstly, in your husband's defence... you must admit he has dealt with a lot already, over the years, in terms of multiple infidelities, secret relationships and so forth... and has so far taken you back each time. So clearly he loves you deeply.

Not sure if his issues with jealousy and possessiveness would have been so severe if he hadn't had to contend with these lapses on your part... but even so, the fact that he still chooses to be with you may indicate his possessiveness isn't out of control.

Personally, I adore it when my boyfriend calls me "mine" as it makes me feel cherished and protected - but that is probably because I know his words don't spring from an ownership mentality or jealousy, as he is fully on board and supportive of my other relationship (I'm the hinge in our closed V.)

Still, your situation is different... and clearly you are struggling with feeling trapped and unable to fully express your polyamorous nature, unless you do so in secret/unethically, which you obviously are trying hard to avoid this time around.


He can't even stand the thought of sharing me with another man. He has said "if we find the right girl, then maybe we can both be in a relationship with her," but it feels like a cop out. finding someone with the traits I enjoy who also is attracted to both my husband and myself seems like quite an impossible feat.

That's because it IS a cop out. You sense this already, and if you've ever read up on "unicorn hunting", "One Penis Policy", "adding a third" and "couple privilege", I'm sure you have an understanding why many experienced poly folk do not believe this is a good idea.

In almost every case, the reluctant/monogamous partner (often the man/husband) suggests such a thing as a bandaid solution, in order to protect their ego and their "primary" position in their partner's affections.

While many heterosexual cis males may have fantasies of watching two women be intimate with each other, or seek to have group sex with more than one woman... they often consider such activity or relationships to be largely non-threatening to their manhood, the marriage, because they are not viewed as "real", separate, emotional relationships, especially if the man himself gets to be involved. (i.e. there is "something in it for them".)

If they do feel somewhat threatened by the two women's connection, they may seek to use the "triad" dynamic as a means of controlling the depth of the relationship between the women.

On the other hand, if the wife is seeking completely separate, fully-realised, extra-marital relationships - with either women, or "worse" other men - it's very common for a mono male/husband (or poly newbie) to freak out and refuse to "allow" such a thing. After all, if HE can't be involved directly, the insecurity of not knowing exactly what goes on in the other relationship often leads to extreme jealousy and fear that their partner will prefer the other person or even leave them eventually. And that's before we even get to all the misogynistic "who's got the bigger dick" stuff.

And now for the "good" news...

I'm happiest with multiple relationships, and I feel stifled and empty without having close friends to be close with. Keeping everyone at arms length feels like it is killing my soul.


In your husband's case, you've already stated:

- He's "sweet and caring", and you both love each other.
- He has already forgiven you for several indiscretions/affairs.
- He presumably knows you identify as pansexual.
- He hasn't totally shut down the idea of a polyamorous connection (even if he'll only agree to a triad with another woman at this point.)

Therefore - and I don't want to give you false hope - it's *possible* that he may slowly become more comfortable with the idea of poly and be able to learn to adapt and accept your needs, as inexplicable as they may seem to him at the moment. And when I say "slowly", I mean it. There is no rushing this process if you truly wish to stay married AND want him to understand how you think, feel, and what you need to be fulfilled.

If he is at all willing to discuss the issue, have him read some books or watch some podcasts about polyamory - choosing those that don't take the pov that "poly is the best and only" way to be. Assure him that this doesn't mean you don't really love him, and that you're not looking to leave. But do NOT agree to something as a "compromise" that YOU will not be truly comfortable with and isn't what you're looking for, just to appease him.

It may be that you two aren't deeply compatible and would be better off as platonic friends and co-parents from now on. But if he's willing to listen, give your husband time to get his head around what you're asking.
 
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