AstridAsunder
New member
Hi. I'm new here.
I am a poly-pan girl in my early 30's.
In high school, I had open relationships with guys and girls who had been friends of mine, but was always told it was unnatural and wrong to be that way. By the end of high school, I met a man a few years shy of a decade older than me. We fell in love quickly, as I often did. I have a hard time not falling in love with my closest friends. I was convinced, as I think many people are, that monogamy was the only acceptable option in a relationship, and that anything else was generally frowned upon by society. Being young and stupid, and still confused by my feelings on a daily basis, I cheated by sleeping with best friends, (and I know, that is not in the spirit of polyamory, but it's part of my story). He found out, reprimanded me, but forgave me and took me back, begrudgingly at first. It took time to win back his trust, but I managed. It took years before he proposed, years more before the wedding. I slipped up, fell in love with best friends of mine again, kept relationships secret for 2 or 3 years, and managed to screw things up again with my (at this point) husband. Once again, he found out, chastised me again, and yet again forgave and took me back. I've been on the "straight and narrow" for nearly 10 years. After reading and researching and learning all I could, trying to figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't just stick with one partner and kept falling in love with my friends, I learned there wasn't anything wrong with me. Well, apart from the infidelity... and I have moderate to severe depression and mild to moderate anxiety, but that's for a different forum. I learned about poly (and pansexuality, too, as before I thought I was just bisexual). I was careful not to become close friends with people, but that was so lonely. I thought having kids would help with my desire to love more than one person, but it's DEFINITELY not the same. I befriended a gay man, figuring that even if I did fall in love with him, at least he wouldn't be interested in me. Well, that didn't work out either.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely despite having a wonderful, caring, sweet husband. I have suggested polyamory to him, but he is as straight and as monogamous as they come. He harbors much jealousy and possessiveness, traits which I used to think were cute and endearing and part of being in love, but now I resent. He can't even stand the thought of sharing me with another man. He has said "if we find the right girl, then maybe we can both be in a relationship with her," but it feels like a cop out. He doesn't try to meet people or bring people home. And despite being pan, I generally get along better with guys because I relate to them a lot better. I don't make friends easily with girls, and it's only very specific traits that I am attracted to; finding someone with the traits I enjoy who also is attracted to both my husband and myself seems like quite an impossible feat. I love my husband. We have sweet, wonderful, beautiful children. I don't want to upset my marriage, and I don't want to hurt him. But I feel trapped. I hate when he calls me "mine". Any time I start getting flirty with people, he reminds me of the things I've done in the past and to not make those mistakes again. I'm happiest with multiple relationships, and I feel stifled and empty without having close friends to be close with. Keeping everyone at arms length feels like it is killing my soul. And I don't know what to do any more.
I am a poly-pan girl in my early 30's.
In high school, I had open relationships with guys and girls who had been friends of mine, but was always told it was unnatural and wrong to be that way. By the end of high school, I met a man a few years shy of a decade older than me. We fell in love quickly, as I often did. I have a hard time not falling in love with my closest friends. I was convinced, as I think many people are, that monogamy was the only acceptable option in a relationship, and that anything else was generally frowned upon by society. Being young and stupid, and still confused by my feelings on a daily basis, I cheated by sleeping with best friends, (and I know, that is not in the spirit of polyamory, but it's part of my story). He found out, reprimanded me, but forgave me and took me back, begrudgingly at first. It took time to win back his trust, but I managed. It took years before he proposed, years more before the wedding. I slipped up, fell in love with best friends of mine again, kept relationships secret for 2 or 3 years, and managed to screw things up again with my (at this point) husband. Once again, he found out, chastised me again, and yet again forgave and took me back. I've been on the "straight and narrow" for nearly 10 years. After reading and researching and learning all I could, trying to figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't just stick with one partner and kept falling in love with my friends, I learned there wasn't anything wrong with me. Well, apart from the infidelity... and I have moderate to severe depression and mild to moderate anxiety, but that's for a different forum. I learned about poly (and pansexuality, too, as before I thought I was just bisexual). I was careful not to become close friends with people, but that was so lonely. I thought having kids would help with my desire to love more than one person, but it's DEFINITELY not the same. I befriended a gay man, figuring that even if I did fall in love with him, at least he wouldn't be interested in me. Well, that didn't work out either.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely despite having a wonderful, caring, sweet husband. I have suggested polyamory to him, but he is as straight and as monogamous as they come. He harbors much jealousy and possessiveness, traits which I used to think were cute and endearing and part of being in love, but now I resent. He can't even stand the thought of sharing me with another man. He has said "if we find the right girl, then maybe we can both be in a relationship with her," but it feels like a cop out. He doesn't try to meet people or bring people home. And despite being pan, I generally get along better with guys because I relate to them a lot better. I don't make friends easily with girls, and it's only very specific traits that I am attracted to; finding someone with the traits I enjoy who also is attracted to both my husband and myself seems like quite an impossible feat. I love my husband. We have sweet, wonderful, beautiful children. I don't want to upset my marriage, and I don't want to hurt him. But I feel trapped. I hate when he calls me "mine". Any time I start getting flirty with people, he reminds me of the things I've done in the past and to not make those mistakes again. I'm happiest with multiple relationships, and I feel stifled and empty without having close friends to be close with. Keeping everyone at arms length feels like it is killing my soul. And I don't know what to do any more.