Big ball of stressy stress.

Squibdoodle

New member
Hiya, so background: I am 22 F with a partner of over 4 years (let's call him Doodlebug for the sake of continuity), who is a student in the middle of Honours level physics exams at the moment. We have been interested in polyamory for a long time, with the person introducing the concept being myself. It was a case of 'I have this idea, I really think this is how I want to have relationships', then I looked online and discovered there was already a word for my 'idea.' Like when you think of a plot for a story and realise it already exists! We experimented for a while, but for several years have been essentially monogamous - it's just how things have panned out (though we dream =P).

Against the backdrop of 5 upcoming exams, Doodlebug started dating a girl who had not heard of polyamory but in previous discussions with her she indicated she was positive about the concept. Sadly, she had experienced something very traumatising in her childhood and suffers from depression, high anxiety, panic attacks and abandonment issues. This resulted in some tension within the house as at a moment's notice she would switch from being happy and chatty to hiding and being very emotional. They also felt very strongly for one another almost immediately.

Cue me being helpful. I felt bolstered by his confidence (I am normally a very shy person), so after careful deliberation and highly encouraging signals I decided to make my feelings known to a friend who we've both been close to for a long time, and who we used to live with. We had a great conversation and there was clear physical attraction, but after leaving him to think for a few days he decided our friendship was too important and though he liked me a lot he felt he wasn't emotionally mature enough for anything more than what we had. I thought I was prepared for that response, but it turns out while I wasn't looking my wee heart had gone and fallen hard for him over the years, and I experienced a lot of nausea and real actual chest pain of the squeezing, pressing sort that was alarming enough that I was considering going to the gp if it continued. It took a week for that feeling to pass and I still feel tender, like my chest is bruised. So now I am very worried about how my body (and my mind) will react to seeing him again, which I want to do because he is very important to me, but so far I've been fobbing him off with excuses 'cause I feel like I need some time to heal. He doesn't know how much this has affected me and I don't want to tell him for fear of hurting/pressuring him or causing the rift to grow wider.

Of course, feeling like that made me want to reach out to Doodlebug and be comforted by him, but he was already emotionally stretched and pressed for time. He did his best, but any time he suggested to his new gf that he wanted to spend some time alone with me she would panic and become unstable. Not to give the worng impression though, she is lovely, intelligent and remarkably well-balanced for what I understand was not a good upbringing. She is, however, shying away from the whole idea of polyamory and Doodlebug is not sure how much longer they can last. I'm left feeling somewhat responsible for causing her to experience such anxiety and for budening Doodlebug with my own problems.

So I'm all sad and stressed, he's all stretched and stressed and she's one big pile of stress. I am normally known to be an extremely positive laid-back person so all this is taking a bit of a tole on my idealism. Neither of us are feeling jealous or worried about our connection, and we love the whole 'compersion' feeling, but there does seem to be a lot of misery doing the rounds when all we were seeking was happiness and exciting new kinds of cuddles. Will it just take time to sort ourselves out? What should I do about he-who-shall-not-be-named? Can our friendship be the same if I feel so hurt by his rejection? What do we do about the gf who panics when I ask for even a little of Doodlebug's time for my own comfort? She doesn't want to panic but she does nonetheless. How have people dealt with mental illness and polyamory themselves? Ah, I have so many questions... HALP.
 
Oh honey, that is not a fun situation at ALL. But major props to you for handling it well so far and looking for outside advice.

The first thing I can say is that it sounds like you and your partner have something pretty solid going on :). New partners always take time to adjust too, especially when one is more "needy" (don't mean that in a bad way). I think it's important for him to communicate to his new lady friend that you are in fact quite important to him and deserving of his time and care. Having just finished my honours and now starting grad school I cannot stress enough how important it is to understand that time restraints are a major factor in relationships. At this point he has things that need to be his focus. It is not this job to ensure she is perfectly doted on. That may sound harsh, but I as well suffer from depression and panic attacks. Absolutely she needs support, but really, she needs professional support. Finding myself a good ctisis counsellor was the best decision ever!

As for your Lord Voldemort, that is a bag of dicks. Rejection fucking sucks no matter how you slice it. On the up side he clearly values you a lot. It'll take time to feel comfortable and not chest-painy but that time will come. Be kind to yourself in that period. If you don't want to see him, don't see he. If you do, try and do so without expectations. Meet on neutral ground, with other people, whatever it is. Take the initiative to know that YOU are your only priority there :)

Hope things get better soon!
 
Shew! I can feel your stressy stress right through this computer screen :(

That's a tough situation, and that whole chest pain- achey- can't breath thing? Sucks. Combine that with a billion exams and that's a stress event waiting to happen!
No one likes to cause anyone that kind of stress - ok, let's face it, there really are people that do - but it sounds like you aren't one of them - which is good. However, empathy can take it's toll, and learning to care but yet shield is critical.
I feel for the Big Pile of Stress gf...really, I do. However, if this relation YOU have with the Stretched bf is solid, and the main foundation, and the Big Pile of Stress gf KNEW the ground rules going in, maybe it's time that there be some serious communication amongst all of you? And maybe this isn't the relationship for her? Going in with the intent to be a part of a polyamorous situation is different than actually living up to one?
There are a lot of bases to cover in the situations and sometimes we don't always win the game.
I'm rooting for you though :) Good luck!!
 
Hi Squibdoodle,

I think that to a large extent, what you need to do is slow down and let time do its healing. It isn't urgent to try to solve everything all at once. It's not unusual for people -- monogamous people included -- to get in a stressy mess like the one you're in. Get through as much of it with simple endurance as you can.

Your friend that you're avoiding right now, you're neither obligated to see him nor to avoid him. You should do whatever's in your heart as far as that's concerned. Don't overthink it.

Your partner's needy girlfriend is going to need to get over some of her neediness sometime reasonably soon. Like RainCity said, she needs to get some professional help -- meds, counseling, or both.

But right now you need to give your partner as much space as possible, due to the stressful exams he is taking. After those are done you might be able to talk to him about more of those relationship issues.

If you can, lean on Polyamory.com for moral support. Even if we're just strangers on the internet, we can listen, advise, and encourage. Perhaps we can help you get through this stressful time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ah, I could hug the screen of this laptop. Thank you for your advice and support^^ I told Lord Voldemort (he's actually more of a Neville Longbottom!) via the medium of facebook that I was suffering a sneak attack of emotions and needed some time to sort myself out, and that I would rather feel bad now and get over it than spend any more time wondering. Thankfully with the holidays coming up I can spend some of that time eating good food and opening presents with my family. Getting reaaal bored of feeling mopey, it is very not 'Squibby' of me. I also decided to talk to a friend about the whole thing and she flung celebrations at me and gave me much cuddles, so now at least some of the pressure of being my sole emotional support in this matter is eased for Doodlebug. Though I keep finding chocolates on the floor...

Exams are finally over! As planned earlier, Doodlebug is spending some days visiting the gf before coming to my family's for Christmas (I work right up until Christmas eve), so hopefully they will have a chance to cool down and talk things over. This leaves me alone in the house (we live together), but actually it's not been too bad. Reminds me of when I was younger and more introverted and needed at least one day out of the week of total alone-time to recharge. Squib time! I baked a pie. I am now sick of eating the pie. Hey ho.

The gf does have professional support/meds etc. so she is doing everything 'right'. I guess sometimes even that doesn't cut the mustard when it comes to insecurity and anxiety. I hope she sticks it through though and cools down a bit, Doodlebug was really excited about their connection before all the stressy started piling on. We have planned to have a proper talk about everything once we all return from the holidays.

My favourite bit of your comments: 'that is a bag of dicks. Rejection fucking sucks no matter how you slice it.' THANK YOU. It is indeed, no matter how reasonable the let down, no matter how much he still cares for me, rejection is a bag of dicks. I might have that phrase put on a motivational poster.
 
Wow, so your partner of 4 years and uou cant apend alone time anymore because of his new girlfriend's emotional problems? Im so sorry, I wouldn't be anywhere as kind and understanding as you. You are an amazing woman. I hope he can actually leave and spend the holiday with you as planned
 
Sometimes it takes awhile, it takes a lot of trial and error, to figure out the right meds (right combination/dosages), it did for me and I never did find a counselor that really helped, but the point is everyone is different and unique and has their own physical chemistry and emotional psychology. Every doctor is different and unique too and although they all have a lot of training, they also have to use a lot of ednucated guesswork so what one doctor is inclined to try often differs from what another doctor would try. So it might take awhile to find the right professional help that will really mitigate the problem.

In the meantime, there has to be reasonable guidelines of behavior; your partner's needy girlfriend can't constantly use up his attentions when you yourself are in need of extra attention. That may be tolerable for now, but eventually everyone's going to need to spend their fair share of time biting the bullet, for the sake of all the people involved. I hope that makes sense; everyone needs to do a little give and take.
 
:D We can get matching tattoos Squib.

I'm going through a weird half-break up/morphing into friends ball of wonder. My long-term partner just asked this week if we could be "friends who love each other". On the one hand, it's a bag of dicks. On the other, I understand how much stress he's under.

But yup, rejection is a bag of dicks!
 
I'm beginning to see why the magic word of poly is 'scheduling.' I think it would be good for me and the gf to have pre-organised time with Doodlebug (and he has some time for himself too!), so no-one feels rejected or left out. A day for me, a day for her, a day for him (if he wants it). I guess it's difficult to be so used to spended pretty much every spare moment with someone and then have that suddenly change dramatically, with the gf being around alomst every day and me just sitting in the corner on my laptop feeling a little out of the loop. I am very comfortable spending time with myself, but it seems I got less used to it over the years. It is good to do thing apart sometimes, it means you can experience new things and have stuff to talk about beyond whose turn it is to do the dishes.

Don't worry Inyourendo (great name), he is definitely joining me and my family when I go home. Also thank you, though sometimes I worry I have too passive of a personality =/

My only experience of mental illness was that my step father suffered a trauma in his own childhood and that brought with it years of recurring depression and instability. Without realising I guess it made me quite wary of people who have similar issues (as callous as that sounds), because his issues caused a lot of unhappiness in our family. I feel like I am projecting those concerns onto another person without them deserving my suspiscious eye. I guess this is why I am invested in her feeling secure by spending lots of time with Doodlebug - it's actually quite selfish, I want her to feel safe and therefore stable, so that I feel safe. It's a bit of a Catch-22.

Ah RainCity, your bag of dicks came straight from the heart then (that was a weird sentence). Isn't 'friends who love each other' still 'partners'? I sense there is more to your ball of stressy. Hi-five of stress!
 
I'm thinking "Doodlebug's other girlfriend" would benefit from learning a certain amount of independence. Perhaps there are things she could do with her "me time," or would she even be interested in looking for an additional boyfriend? Just a thought.

"Scheduling" certainly is a magic word in the language of polyamory (as is "communication," ;)). I'm sure the three of you can sit down and decide on a schedule that would meet everyone's needs.

Keep us posted on how things are going!
 
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