Hesitant to open up....

Tise

New member
Hello all,
I have been an avid reader on here for a while but haven't found anything that is like my situation enough to feel like I could have my concerns fully met.

My husband and I are both poly, we were poly before we met but became Mono during our courtship and subsequent marriage. We've been married about a year and although we tried to open our relationship once, it went very badly. There was moving too quickly, sex before both of us were ready, deciet, and tears.

It's been a long time since this occurred and my husband is ready to open again. I'm not sure that we are. While we have a close friend that I have had sex with twice, with consent during our marriage, my husband has become further and further away from me sexually.
I think this signifies a problem that needs to be addressed before we open back up.

My husband doesn't see things this way. He states that while he loves me, he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore and that he needs to be able to seek sexual satisfaction outside of our marriage. And that I should seek another person to take care of my sexual needs.

This is very difficult for me. I think that if we have a healthy sex life together, that I would be fine with opening back up. He thinks opening back up will fix the problems in our sex life because there won't be so much pressure to perform.

Help! I see his point but who is right?
 
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Hi Tise,

It sounds like you and your husband have something of a Mexican standoff going there. I don't suppose he'd be willing to see a sex therapist with you, or even a relationship therapist? If not, would you be willing to see a therapist without him, to help you sort things out and develop skills for coping with this marital disagreement?

I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer to your disagreement. It seems to me that you feel your sex life with your husband can be fixed, while he believes it can't be fixed (and needs to be compensated for by opening the relationship). Unless both of you are willing to try to fix your sex life, there's no way anyone can know which of you is right.

Anyway, it's not healthy to focus on who's right and who's wrong; the only objective here should be finding some kind of middle ground that both of you could live with and be happy. How rigid is your husband's stance? Is he willing to compromise? What if you opened the relationship a little, plus started seeing a sex therapist together. Would that work?

I hope you can find a solution to your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your reply.
My husband is very against therapy. I however am totally okay with therapy, but feel like it isn't going to help if it's only me working on it.

We've had many deep discussions about this and he wants to open. He believes that my sex drive is too high for just one person to handle and has burned him out so to speak. He also tends to be like a child in the sense that he doesn't want to play with me until someone else shows interest in his toy (I. E. Me), and once that happens I'm again his favorite toy for a while.
But I'm scared. I feel like there's underlying problems here causing him to lack sexual desire for me. He feels that opening will fix everything, and your right, it is like a Mexican standoff.

I want to support him, and I would love to have other lovers again, yet I just don't think this is the right way to go about it.

*sigh*
 
He's Just Not That In To You

He states that while he loves me, he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore

You've been married a year and the sex has already dried up? That's really fast, is there a big chunk of 'problem' we're missing? Was your sex life full of fire before or had it always been rather off and on? I only ask because I'm curious, not because it necessarily changes the nature of your situation.

The fact of the matter is that the person your with has very honestly told you that he's just not sexually into you. That's not any fun to hear, not in the slightest, and I know that doesn't do great things for your self image, but in my opinion a relationship between adults functions on reality better than it does bullshit. Since you have the reality of the situation in front of you, and both of you are veterans of open relationships, it seems as though it would behoove you to fall back on your experience and be reasonable about where you set your expectations.

The popular response is going to be centered around "the marriage is what is important", which will be "couples counselling", "spice up your sex life", "find hobbies in common", all of that stuff. I have no problem in particular with those things, but let's be honest, if your relationship needs that much work just to shoehorn a little sexual attraction into existence... maybe a little space and self-reliance is just as likely to prompt a spark.

My advice is to listen to what your partner is telling you and take it to heart; it sounds like he's telling you the truth (as painful as that truth might be). It might not be a great idea to inflict your currently bruised emotional state on a new lover, but it might be high time to lean on some trusted friends, pick up long lost past-times, dive into your work, that kind of thing. Or, hell, go out and get laid if that's where your energy leads you.

Those are my two cents.
 
Marcus,

He does have some health problems that make sex more difficult for him, ie diabetes and neuropathy. I do not at this time believe that the marriage is at stake or ever will be because of sexual intimacy. We maintain a lot of activities together and are raising children as well. Please note we've only been married a year, we've been together a lot longer. The sex was amazing the first eight months or so and slowly became more infrequent. Over time he's been wanting to open again but has been hesitant to tell me for fear of hurting me.
 
Marcus,

He does have some health problems that make sex more difficult for him, ie diabetes and neuropathy. I do not at this time believe that the marriage is at stake or ever will be because of sexual intimacy. We maintain a lot of activities together and are raising children as well. Please note we've only been married a year, we've been together a lot longer. The sex was amazing the first eight months or so and slowly became more infrequent. Over time he's been wanting to open again but has been hesitant to tell me for fear of hurting me.

I think all of the advice given here is really great. I give you major props for handling this situation as maturely as possible as it doesn't seem you have taken his honest personally.

If I were in your shoes, it would be very hard for me to cope with my husband not being sexually attracted to me. And I think the best thing I would know to do would be to found out exactly WHY he is no longer sexually attracted to you. It seems he has been before, so I would try to reflect together and figure out what changed. What you can do to help him feel that connection again?

However, from the bit I have learned from my recent poly resources, this isn't necessarily an issue that is always solved. Nor is it an issue that will necessarily destroy your marriage. Some poly marriages seem to function fine once lack of sexual attraction is disclosed.

I really think what matters the most here is the honesty. You and your husband seem to have very open and honest communication and it's obvious that you both put each others needs first, otherwise you wouldn't be here.


I wish you much luck in this journey and I really hope that you and your husband can get past this bump.
 
Bunnielight,

It *does* hurt, but he's not intentionally causing me pain and I know that he loves me as much as I love him. I think a big thing is we have gone through a whole $&'+ in the year we've been married then we ever have before. We've had cancer, (mine) surgeries, (his) and a slew of other external factors that have taken a toll. I have told him I love him dearly and would enjoy opening up again, but emotionally I am just not ready and I don't think it would be fair to bring someone new in at this time.

That being said however, I strongly believe that personal happiness comes from within and sometimes no matter how much you love another, you cannot make them happy. This isn't too say that we are unhappy together, we are very much so, we are just trying to find ways to fill unmet needs.
 
Wewerenthunting,

We've been married for a year and together around three. The children are physically mine, but don't say that to him, he insists they are ours.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I think that if we have a healthy sex life together, that I would be fine with opening back up. He thinks opening back up will fix the problems in our sex life because there won't be so much pressure to perform. Help! I see his point but who is right?

How about not focussing on who is "right" or "wrong?" And focussing on fleshing out the problem at hand to get a better handle on it.... like actual details and definitions so it isn't this vague thing but something measurable? Break it down to smaller components?

Maybe questions like...

  • How do you guys define "sex"? Are you on the same page there?
  • How many times a week could you have sex (of whatever kind you guys like) with husband be able to call it "a healthy sex life together?" How many times a week does he think it would be? Is it the quality of sex that you seek? Is that happening? Yes or not?
  • If you were Open and had another lover, would you be happy with that arrangement? Sex ___ times a week with the hubby, and then your other lover is ___ times a week. Would that satisfy your sex needs?

You need emotional healing from the rough year first so you can become more willing and able to Open.
  • What are you doing to help that emotional healing?
  • Could you be seeking emotional healing through sex with your husband? :confused:

Could you be willing to articulate what you main needs are right now? Like if you circled them on the page? What kinds of connection needs? To me this seems to be about connection... but I am not sure which ones.

Hope that helps you sort out your thoughts some.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Tise,

You are approaching this in a very mature and intelligent manner. Opening back up your marriage without being on the same page is not likely to cure your problems but make them worse.
Most advice I have ever read is that non monogamy is not a cure for marital problems but will bring any cracks right to the surface.
Your husband has physical issues and probably some emotional ones. And the thing about only wanting you when someone else does makes me thing he needs a little IC, which apparently he refuses.
If i were you I would go slowly here.
 
Hi Tise,

Unless you and your husband are both willing to compromise, there's no point in even talking about compromise. So, only four things remain.

  • Both of you do things your way.
  • Both of you do things his way.
  • Divorce.
  • Stay married and continue the Mexican standoff indefinitely.
I can't imagine you agreeing to do his way, nor him agreeing to do things your way, not even a little, so, only the last two items listed above are possible.

There is a mixed option: Keep struggling to negotiate with him but set a time limit (weeks? months? years?) on how long you'll endure the struggle before divorcing. If you're determined to stay married for life, then you're probably going to have to get used to this Mexican standoff, because it doesn't look like it's going to go away. :(
 
Tise, I have been through similar things with my gf (we are both female), over the past 6 years we have been together.

I have the sex drive of a 16 year old boy. My gf miss pixi, however, while she loves the idea of sex, and thinks I am sexy, has certain emotional anxieties and physical issues that prevent her actually having sex with me much. We do have some sex, and lots of cuddles, but it is not nearly enough for me.

In our case, we have always been poly, and she is so happy when I have a horny bf who satisfies me sexually. It does "take the pressure" off of her, and she does get turned on to know someone else wants me badly, and is fucking my brains out. It's odd. We've struggled with it, and have to address it from time to time, especially when I am in between boyfriends! But she just can't help it, that is how she is. At least she is over calling me a sex addict as she once did in our first year. We are both normal in our sex drives, we just don't match up 100%.

Like you, we had very frequent sex during NRE (new relationship energy). In our case, it only lasted 3 months. Sadly, I have also been with men who lose interest in sex, or the relationship, once their NRE wears off. It drives me nuts. I am horny for my lovers during NRE and FAR BEYOND NRE. I just love sex, period! It is a biological drive for me, stronger than a drive to eat food. Other people can seem to take it or leave it. Sometimes I envy them.

So... maybe your husband is stating his truth. Maybe he does feel pressured by your higher libido. Maybe he would want you more if he knew he wasn't solely responsible for satisfying you, but could fuck you when HE felt like it, not just to take care of your need.

BTW, individual therapy can help you and your marriage even if your h won't go. Just like this forum can help you sort things out even if he isn't posting here. The more clarity you can bring to the situation from your end, the better.
 
He states that while he loves me, he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore and that he needs to be able to seek sexual satisfaction outside of our marriage.

Well, I think this may be a problem. I believe that love without sex is possible, but it works very bad in most marriages. We opened up after two years of marriage, and it was our mutual decision. We felt very well together, but now even better in a threesome. Such a situation as yours needs patience, wisdom and the complete absence of selfishness.
 
Tise, I have been through similar things with my gf (we are both female), over the past 6 years we have been together.

I have the sex drive of a 16 year old boy. My gf miss pixi, however, while she loves the idea of sex, and thinks I am sexy, has certain emotional anxieties and physical issues that prevent her actually having sex with me much. We do have some sex, and lots of cuddles, but it is not nearly enough for me.

In our case, we have always been poly, and she is so happy when I have a horny bf who satisfies me sexually. It does "take the pressure" off of her, and she does get turned on to know someone else wants me badly, and is fucking my brains out. It's odd. We've struggled with it, and have to address it from time to time, especially when I am in between boyfriends! But she just can't help it, that is how she is.

So... maybe your husband is stating his truth. Maybe he does feel pressured by your higher libido. Maybe he would want you more if he knew he wasn't solely responsible for satisfying you, but could fuck you when HE felt like it, not just to take care of your need.

Thank you so much for sharing this story. Out of all the replies, I think this one is the closest to my own situation.

In the last few days since posting this, we have talked and talked and talked. I have also shared with him the contents of this thread. What we have found so far is this : He is still attracted to me, but my sex drive is difficult for him to keep up with and not feel like a failure as a lover. This is also compounded with the fact that we were *both* poly before marrying.

Add into this, that when I have had sex with our mutual friend during our marriage, my husband shares that he doesn't understand why, but it is arousing for him and he struggles with this thought, but he accepts that this is how he feels and I accept his feelings.

So here is where we are today, this may change as our feelings / experiences change : We will be opening slowly. The friend that I have been with will be taking a more active role in our lives and has accepted the offer to become my secondary.
My husband will be working with me on spicing up our love life and will be also seeking another lover.
Therapy will be discussed but may not be paid for by our insurance. We will both reserve the right to say, "Hey, I don't think that this is right".

I have also found that a big part of my hesitation has been the fear of being "left out" of fun. When I take my focus off of this, and realize that I can have sexy fun time without my husband around, like I have occasionally, I am more relaxed, happy, content and probably all around easier to be with. As when I am not having my sexual needs met I tend to be akin to a starving animal. I pace, fidget, growl and pounce.

So far, I am at peace with our arrangement. We'll see if that works out in theory.
Jimjane and Kdt, I value your input and opinions, but sex will never ruin our marriage, nor the lack of, unless it is handled in a deceitful manner. We are committed to a life time marriage and will do what it takes to have happiness and health in our lives. My concern has never been the marriage, but the health of opening when we don't see eye to eye, but that is what compromise is for.
 
I believe that love without sex is possible, but it works very bad in most marriages.

On what do you base this opinion? How many years have you been married? :confused:
Most marriages (by far) evolve into low frequency or no sex and that doesn't at all mean that they're going badly. People remain in solid marriages for decades and decades for many reasons, usually the least of which is continued good & frequent sex. Sure, some people keep the fires burning for decades, but they are the vast minority. It's just not the reality of life long relationships (certainly not what we know of generations past, either) for the individuals to continue much sexual interaction after the first decade. No-sex marriages and sex outside of marriage have been going on as the norm forever in one form or another. In the last few decades, economic security for individual females has made freedom of choice possible for the first time in recorded history and is changing relationships as a result. People now have much more freedom to pursue sexual interests openly. However, the physiology of life long marriage remains much the same. Humans just do not stay hot for one and only one person for decades, but now there are many ways to address this.
 
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Hi Tise,

It sounds like you and your husband were able to come to a place of compromise after all. :) That is a good thing.

Keep us posted if you're willing,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
On what do you base this opinion? How many years have you been married? :confused:
Most marriages (by far) evolve into low frequency or no sex...Humans just do not stay hot for one and only one person for decades.

Can you quote research on this? I have found that, in many marriages, sex is hot at first, can wane when children are born and are needy. But can and does often revive when kids are more independent, couples have more money for dates and vacations and other romantic things like restaurants, and also when the woman goes thru menopause and there is no pregnancy risk.

This is what happened to my ex and me. Even as our love waned (as we'd both changed and grown apart in some ways) our sex life got hotter and hotter.

Not to say it's bad to make up any differences in libido by being polyamorous or polysexual in the meantime!

My sex drive as a 59 year old woman is probably higher than many or most men my age. But by the time my ex h and I split up in 2008, our sex was so hot, he was fucking me once a day to 5 times a day and orgasming each time (because I am that good). ;) I was 54, he was 56 and we'd been together 33 years.

But you can ask your sources about that, Angel.
 
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Out of all the replies, I think this one is the closest to my own situation.

I am glad it helped. Nice to find a kindred spirit, or pussy! lol
... when I have had sex with our mutual friend during our marriage, my husband shares that he doesn't understand why, but it is arousing for him and he struggles with this thought, but he accepts that this is how he feels and I accept his feelings.

Well, the term for this is cuckoldry, which sounds demeaning but is probably more common than you'd think. You should both read the book Sex Before Dawn, which is an anthropological study about humankind's promiscuous past.
 
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