mono jealousy, am i justified?

lanman

New member
Should I get jealous that others are receiving emotions/gestures/things I feel like I should? I'm ignorant on all of this and of course she isn't the greatest communicator, but do I bluntly ask?
 
If you need more communication? If your need some emotional connection, gestures, and other things?

Be direct and assertive. She is not a mind reader.

Make her aware you would like some X. Politely ask if she could be willing/able to do that for you.

Galagirl
 
A little more detail would help, but... do you feel entitled to receiving certain kinds of attention and gestures that no one else should be allowed to receive? Is your partner not free to express love and affection in her own way, or is it all about you?

Jealousy is always about insecurity. What are you feeling insecure about?
 
Fair doesn't mean equal. Stop comparing relationships. Focus on the one you're involved in and what you need not what the other pertain gets.

For example Butch said lucky Murf he always gets the happy unstressed you after I went home to see Murf after spending the day taking care of stressful issues with Butch. I bluntly told him that no poor Murf got me with a migraine and I started my period. Butch had this idea in his head that all my time with my other husband is carefree and stress free .Yeah not even close.
 
I think maybe I'm a little bitter. With me its responsibility of working two jobs + raising a special needs kid. When she's with him, her mom usually watches our son. There isn't the reaponsibility. Part of me is questioning her because she decided to bring this up after I caught them in an affair. The relationship her and I had, romantically, before child changed drastically.
 
Well, her responsibilities don't stop just because she's out with someone else. She is exercising her responsibility by making sure her mother is there, isn't she? But, you both can have time away from parenting -- so, have her mother watch the kid while you go out and do something fun.
 
She watches the boy when she visits us for sure. Mil lives 4 hours away. We're working on babysitters and respite for our son.
 
The insecurity I feel is that I can't provide enough. She might need more attention than I can give.
 
Could you be willing to clarify? I'm not sure what some of these mean.

I think maybe I'm a little bitter. With me its responsibility of working two jobs + raising a special needs kid. When she's with him, her mom usually watches our son. There isn't the reaponsibility.

Are you saying you envy (her + him) couple time because there's no tagalong kid? Because there isn't any (you +her) couple time without a tagalong kid? Are you guys not able to get a babysitter or trade with another family so you guys get ALONE (you + her) time?

Part of me is questioning her because she decided to bring this up after I caught them in an affair.

Are you in poly hell? How long has the V been going on? When was the cheating affair?

Are you saying that her current dating partner is her former cheating affair partner?

And you did not consent to participating in a poly V? She's calling it "polyamory" but really it is a "cheating affair out in the open?"

Or you consented at first so as not to break up and now you want to stop participating because you do not like it?

You might want to read this.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

The relationship her and I had, romantically, before child changed drastically.

Does that mean (romance), (sex), or BOTH ( romance and sex) have changed between you since having a child?

Typical kids, much less a high needs kid, will take up a lot of time. It's not unusual for couples to struggle to figure out how to balance time spent on parenting, time spent as a family, time spent as a couple, time spent with friends, and time spent alone. How old is the child?

The insecurity I feel is that I can't provide enough. She might need more attention than I can give.

Here you seem to think that if only you provided enough attention, she'd be satisfied with you and not want/need another partner. Is that what you believe?:confused:

To me? If you choose to be in a V with her and her previous cheating partner? It isn't like poly is "cheat proof."

If you are involved with people who don't keep promises and break trust? Repairs have not yet been made? I could see not feeling safe and secure there. One simply cannot feel safe and secure when trying to poly with untrustworthy partners.

What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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Well, that answers my questions in your intro thread. Sheesh, I can't believe how many people get caught cheating and suddenly "come out" as poly. Cheating is cheating. It can, in some rare cases, lead to successful poly; but, at least from what I've seen in person and what I've read, it's rare. It happens. In fact, it's happened to some members here; but, it takes a LOT of time and work.

You are not wrong to feel insecure, since it seems your relationship was, indeed, not what you thought it was. Having the rug pulled out from you is a perfectly valid reason to feel insecure. Needing extra reassurance, attention, and effort from your cheating partner to rebuild your relationship is also very reasonable. Have you two considered counseling?

GalaGirl, as usual, is spot on with her post. What has been done to rebuild trust and intimacy between you and your wife? That doesn't take a few days or weeks--it's months, in some cases years, depending on the people and situation. What was your reasoning for agreeing to a "V"?
 
Hi lanman,

I could use some more details about your situation, but right now it kind of sounds like your wife cheated on you and now wants you to paint that with "the poly brush." Do you feel like this arrangement is being forced on you?

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I can't believe how many people get caught cheating and suddenly "come out" as poly. Cheating is cheating.

Every affair is "polyamory" in that the cheater loves both people. "I'm actually poly" is the latest justification for cheating, it seems. But actual polyamory is built on full knowledge and consent of all and this is what sets polyamory apart from cheating. The latest excuse for cheating seems to be "I'm poly," but polyamory involves awareness of other partners. Don't torture yourself, struggling to share your wife because she is "poly." She cheated, plain and simple.
 
Hi lanman,

I could use some more details about your situation, but right now it kind of sounds like your wife cheated on you and now wants you to paint that with "the poly brush." Do you feel like this arrangement is being forced on you?

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

That's exactly how i feel. I agreed to the poly relationship to possibly salvage ours. With no transparency and her hiding things it has been hell. We've been going to marriage counseling but I feel that she's in her own world, feeling like she can do what she wants because I gave her no consequences.
 
I feel that she's in her own world, feeling like she can do what she wants because I gave her no consequences.

I'd encourage you to focus on developing a better self-image and on setting better boundaries for yourself. You won't get a more pleasing experience by laying down the law, but by having a much higher esteem for yourself. Focus on self respect and confidence, not on fear, loss and resentment - then watch how things change. You'll move mountains by a change in self perception in a way that rules about behavior can't even begin to approach.
 
I like that. I have lost who I am somewhere along the way. I need to get myself back before anything can happen.
 
I like that. I have lost who I am somewhere along the way. I need to get myself back before anything can happen.

Life always shows us who we imagine ourselves to be, for better or worse. The good news here is that you have every opportunity to change everything about your life. Relationships can change dramatically depending on what we're focusing on and how we feel about ourselves. You will see many wonderful positive things happen, the more you can get yourself back, as you say. :)
 
Raising kids can cause us to lose part of our adult selves. Especially a special needs child. I know, I've got one. It was a long HARD road. She's doing pretty well now that she's in her late 20s (borderline personality disorder). But good lord, it was tough when she was a fussy baby, needy toddler, moody weepy gradeschooler and teen, and drug addicted in her early 20s.

Perhaps both you and your wife have been so giving for so long to your child, it's burned you out. Make sure you both take time somehow to nurture yourselves and your relationship. Make it a top priority. I have know women who have cheated after years of intense parenting, as a way to just "have something for themselves." Of course there are better healthier ways to do this than by cheating on our co-parent who should be our loving spouse. Good luck making some healthy changes. Sorry your wife isn't making much progress in therapy yet. :(
 
I need to quit letting things bother me. I think once I can do that, I'll be in a much better place. I do have that fear of being replaced. I feel like a doormat most of the time.
 
You're allowed to feel the feelings you have! It's not healthy just to shut down and deny your feelings.

If your wife isn't meeting your needs in a relationship, ask her to! If she can't or won't, make a choice. Stay, with conditions, or leave. I hope you two regain closeness.
 
You'll move mountains by a change in self perception in a way that rules about behavior can't even begin to approach.

Nice and highly quotable! I think it's so true in many areas of life: change your impression of yourself and all that external stuff becomes far more manageable - even pleasurable - to deal with.
 
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