Need advice on how to proceed

lemaire

New member
I always had poly tendencies and deep down I always knew I was capable of loving more than one person. After 6 years of marriage I had the talk with my spouse about my unhappiness and desire to date other people. Let me state that the talk was not well received. My spouse is a die hard monogamous person.

She is NOT slightly attracted to anyone but me and has expressed that she does not have any desire to date others whatsoever. After several weeks of mood swings, arguments, accusations of cheating she finally agreed to let me explore. I was lucky enough to find someone with whom I was able to connect and fall in love.

Now my wife does not want to be a part of the relationship. She has been literally begging me to end it because she can't take it emotionally. I don't know what to do.
 
This is a bad situation you have gotten these women into. I strongly suspect one of these relationips will have to end.

Could you give a few more details? If you give your wife and girlfriend nicknames it will be easier to follow your explanation.

What was the reason you only took "several weeks" to work things out with your wife?

How long have you and your girlfriend been together now?

What precipitated your decision to become actively poly at this time?

Have you done a search here for "mono/poly relationships"?

Leetah
 
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Let's call my wife H and my girlfriend J. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 months now. From day one we knew we were compatible. She is a poly as well. I decided to become actively poly because of a certain unhappiness in my marriage. Something was missing and marriage counseling did not help. Well at least, it didn't help me. Before starting the talk with my wife I did do some research and I even shared some of my research with her. She seemed alright and I was quite surprised that it only took a few weeks for here to agree to me seeing others.
 
Often times, the mono partner agrees under duress. Although, if he/she could have their say, there would be no poly arrangements.

We you & the girlfriend already involved at the time you revealed this to your wife? If so, then that's likely where the accusations of cheating are coming from. If not, then feel free to ignore this entire paragraph. But die hard monogamists tend to have a very strict view of cheating. Some go as far as to say that flirting crosses that boundary.

As for what to do, I agree with Leetah. One of those relationships are probably going to have to end. If being monogamous can no longer make you happy, then as hard as it may be, you might have to disband so that each of you can pursue the relationship model that's important to you.
 
My girlfriend and I were not involved at the time I revealed it to my wife. And all signs point toward the fact that one of the relationships will have to end. And quite honestly, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life being monogamous. That will do nothing but lead to cheating for real. I was just hoping someone faced a similar experience and/or had some suggestions on how to reassure my wife that this is important for me. Divorce would be a last resort. I would like to try everything possible before having to ask for a divorce.
 
I am unsure how best to advise in such a spot so take my words as you will (I really advise again the search function here as there are years worth of people in similar situations). You don't need to write answers to my questions, just things to think about.

Do you mind if I flesh out the nicknames as initials are harder to keep track of? How about Honey and Jazz? Feel free to come up with your own.

A return to counseling may be in order. Just because one therapist with one philosophy/set of techniques did not work does not mean no counselor can help sort things out. You and Honey could go to counseling individually to clarify your own needs and wants.

Is Honey able to communicate which aspects of the situation are making her so unhappy? Can you step up your efforts to fulfill her wants or needs?

What wants and needs does Honey fulfill for you that make it a relationship worth keeping?

If you are not, you should be keeping in mind that your relationship with Jazz is most likely still full of New Relationship Energy. That is the amazing falling in love "Gee! This is so perfect!" pleasure chemical driven phase of a relationship. Standard advice is not to make any major life decisions while under the influence of NRE. It can take months or a couple of years for the rose tinted glasses to come off. In the mean time it can take great effort to put your mind on the other people in your life but if you love them you must bend over backwards to not neglect them.

Those are the first thoughts I have for you. Hope they help some.

Leetah
 
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I am sorry you struggle. Here's what pops out at me....

Now my wife does not want to be a part of the relationship. She has been literally begging me to end it because she can't take it emotionally.

And all signs point toward the fact that one of the relationships will have to end. And quite honestly, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life being monogamous.

If your wife is asking you to end it and return to monogamy? And you do not want that any more?

You might consider divorce so you can be free to date others. And she can be free FROM more pain.

I get wanting to exhaust all other avenues and divorce being a "last resort" --- but why last resort if you already know one the relationship have to end? Why drag it out and endure more suffering? :(

Galagirl
 
That's one thing I thought about. Perhaps seeing a therapist who specializes in poly relationships. I am not sure if there is such a therapist but I would not think any regular marriage therapist would be helpful.

My intention is not to drag it out. Perhaps it is naive of me but I have secret hopes she will finally realize that this is something I need and want. Perhaps she will be able to get over her fears and allow me to jump into that poly lifestyle for good.
 
Lemaire,

You and I sound like we are in similar situations. See my previous thread "The Conversation".

My first thought is you need to make a cold, hard decision if you want to continue with your marriage, or take the LONG difficult path to opening your marriage. I am just in the beginning stage of working through this with my life partner. I know it will take time and the outcome is uncertain. The only thing I am certain of is I DO NOT want to lose my life partner. And I hope she doesn't want to lose me either. So from that point I hope we can work out a compromise we both can live with AND both be happy.

I too have/had a girlfriend I really don't want to lose. In this small, rural redneck hellhole there aren't a lot of women I can see being compatible with at my age. So after finally finding one, I don't want to lose her. But I may have to give her up to keep my primary relationship. IT SUCKS!!! BIG TIME!!

Good luck, don't let the NRE blind you to what's really important in the big picture. NRE is the most potent drug I have ever encountered. Its addicting.
 
My therapist had never dealt with a poly relationship but was willing to be open minded though reasonably cautious.

Leetah
 
My intention is not to drag it out. Perhaps it is naive of me but I have secret hopes she will finally realize that this is something I need and want. Perhaps she will be able to get over her fears and allow me to jump into that poly lifestyle for good.

I don't know if I'd say it's naive, but I do think that there's a bit of wishful thinking there. It is possible that she may realize, or at least accept that this is something you "need and want", but that doesn't mean that it will be any easier for her to go along with. As a mono myself, I can really sympathize with her feelings. It took over year before the thought of my wife with another person didn't give me panic attacks & make me want to vomit. Now, while I think it's noble to want to try & work through this, you need to ask yourself how long you're willing to be patient about this. You may be willing to wait weeks or months, and she might need a year or more. If I were you, I'd try to agree on a timeline & go from there.
 
My therapist had never dealt with a poly relationship but was willing to be open minded though reasonably cautious.

Leetah

My therapist also hadn't dealt with a poly relationship before but has been open minded and non judgmental about it. I asked him before I started seeing him again whether he thought he would be able to handle the fact that I was not monogamous anymore, because some people don't seem able to not be judgmental about polyamory (I saw him for a while in my late twenties and then started seeing him again the year I turned 40). So it is possible to have a therapist who isn't necessarily poly friendly but is able to keep an open mind and not be judgmental.
 
I have secret hopes she will finally realize that this is something I need and want. Perhaps she will be able to get over her fears and allow me to jump into that poly lifestyle for good.

What does she need and want?

If this is something you need and want... it is possible for you to do it without her. She doesn't "allow" you to jump into the poly lifestyle.

She consents or does not consent to be one of your concurrent relationships. Her willingness to participate and her consent belongs to her.


I was just hoping someone faced a similar experience and/or had some suggestions on how to reassure my wife that this is important for me. Divorce would be a last resort. I would like to try everything possible before having to ask for a divorce.

You could tell your wife this is important to you. And you understand if this is not something she wants for herself.

You could ask her where she stands, what she wants for her relationships. Is she willing to try, or is this just not a thing for her?

  • If she's willing to try, ask if she willing to have more conversation later about what that might look like. Think about seeing a poly counselor to help you transition. Read, educate yourselves. Then talk again later.

  • If she does not want this, and you do? Ask if she willing to have more conversation later about what a peaceful, respectful divorce might look like. Educate yourselves on the divorce process where you live. Think about what counseling support or lawyer support might be needed.

Either way? Don't try to do it all in one go. Have the initial conversation to see which direction is best. Then rest. Regroup. Organize thoughts. Have the next conversation at the next appointment date to talk some more.

I think you guys could be super honest right now. Pussyfooting around will not do. Speak your truths, and be respectful while doing so.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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This is only my second day on this forum and I feel as part of the family already. I am literally chocking up writing this. You guys have been trying to give me sound advises and I truly deeply appreciate that.

Mr Matou I read your post and we do have a somewhat similar situation. As I was writing this my wife had another meltdown begging me to end my current relationship with my girlfriend. I think at this point it is clear one of these relationships have to end. To be honest with you guys divorce is what will happen.
 
Hi lemaire,

I am sorry to hear that divorce is on the horizon for you. Do you think there might be any hope in getting a poly-friendly counselor? I can post a few links to help you find one, if that would help.

If you do have to divorce, try to make it an amicable divorce. Easier said than done I know.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
To be honest with you guys divorce is what will happen.

I have been down this road twice before. I had fallen for another woman and didn't want to divorce and poly seemed like the answer to my dilemma in both cases. Both times, the marriage was already in trouble and I was unhappy with my marriage. So I have two divorces under my belt, one horrible and nasty and the second reasonably amicable. Any way it goes, divorce is an awfull experience. The difference now is I am NOT unhappy with my life partner (not married) of 12 years and want to grow old(er) with her.

I should have never promised monogamy to anyone, but I didn't know until way too late it was an acceptable option for many others out there. BUT it isn't until you meet someone you fall for that you want to pursue a poly relationship. Otherwise you just go with the easy monogamy route society recognizes and supports.

So in your case, I won't say whether you need to divorce or take the time and effort to develop an open relationship. That is entirely your call. Consider what you have invested in your marriage and weigh what you are feeling with the NRE of your GF, knowing it will fade. I remember a movie line I heard I am going to paraphrase for gender neutrality. "When you see someone really attractive and you want them. Remember some other person is sick and tired of all their shit"

If I can give any advise, SLOW DOWN, take time, weeks to think this over. I know you are sick with aching for your GF, I am aching for mine. But, believe me its clouding your mind.

Good luck
 
Resources for finding poly-friendly counselors:

If all of that fails, but you can find a counselor with an open mind, ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

Hopefully some of that will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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