GalaGirl, thanks so much. What a great post. I mean it.
I think you summed it up perfectly: having the talk match the walk.
It did sting going to get tested because of this situation. I was so upset that day.
That's an interesting point. I'll think more about that to see if I can pinpoint some more adrenalin-rush-seeking behavior.
I love that part of your post. He did do all those things, exactly as you are describing them. Because I don't only have to deal with the lying (it'd be a lot easier if, for example, I found this out and he owned up to it and is apologizing) but on top of that he's minimizing the situation, disregarding my feelings and 100% backpedaling. He even said, "I never thought it would take you this long to deal with something as insignificant as this." And it's been 11 days! Is that a long time? I don't think so. At all. But even if it was, even if I was taking me 11 months to deal with it, I said to him that he needs to respect my time, stop complaining and criticizing my reactions. I have a right to react and he can't comment on if I'm doing it "right" or "wrong".
I think I've reacted as well as I can to this, considering. I don't fight with him, we are on good terms, he's trying to be overly sweet. And whenever I feel like I need to talk about it, we talk about it calmly. What I haven't been doing, as I mentioned somewhere before, is having sex with him. Is no punishment or anything, I simply don't feel very sexual towards him right now. I even really tried a couple of times, but just couldn't.
And it most definitely is a blow that I did move here to be in a committed relationship with him, while he's been doing this. No commitment on his part, it makes me feel like he doesn't value me. I'm honestly kind of thinking of at least taking some time for myself, maybe going back to my city to stay with some friends for a while, since I do not have a place of my own anymore. Perhaps a little time will give me some clarity on what to do?
Again, thank you for your words. You manage to express my feelings better than I could at this moment. It helped.
I think you summed it up perfectly: having the talk match the walk.
It did sting going to get tested because of this situation. I was so upset that day.
He did it because he did it. Maybe he likes the "secret thrill" of maybe getting caught. It's an adrenalin rush. I'm not saying it is ok to cheat on agreements. But some people do do that -- chase the rush by taking risks.
That's an interesting point. I'll think more about that to see if I can pinpoint some more adrenalin-rush-seeking behavior.
He lied, minimized, backpedaled, and now flips it around on you like you are the one who is messing up by being disappointed in his actions. Basically, he doesn't sound like he owns his stuff and takes personal responsibility for how his actions can affect others.
Maybe you are just now getting a good look at the "real him" -- where before on the visiting trips he was on best behavior "just for show."
It's a blow. You moved to live with him in another city. Maybe to show increasing commitment to him in this relationship. And he shows increasing commitment to you by doing what? Blowing off his agreements with you when he could just be up front about it because you are in an Open relationship.
Galagirl
I love that part of your post. He did do all those things, exactly as you are describing them. Because I don't only have to deal with the lying (it'd be a lot easier if, for example, I found this out and he owned up to it and is apologizing) but on top of that he's minimizing the situation, disregarding my feelings and 100% backpedaling. He even said, "I never thought it would take you this long to deal with something as insignificant as this." And it's been 11 days! Is that a long time? I don't think so. At all. But even if it was, even if I was taking me 11 months to deal with it, I said to him that he needs to respect my time, stop complaining and criticizing my reactions. I have a right to react and he can't comment on if I'm doing it "right" or "wrong".
I think I've reacted as well as I can to this, considering. I don't fight with him, we are on good terms, he's trying to be overly sweet. And whenever I feel like I need to talk about it, we talk about it calmly. What I haven't been doing, as I mentioned somewhere before, is having sex with him. Is no punishment or anything, I simply don't feel very sexual towards him right now. I even really tried a couple of times, but just couldn't.
And it most definitely is a blow that I did move here to be in a committed relationship with him, while he's been doing this. No commitment on his part, it makes me feel like he doesn't value me. I'm honestly kind of thinking of at least taking some time for myself, maybe going back to my city to stay with some friends for a while, since I do not have a place of my own anymore. Perhaps a little time will give me some clarity on what to do?
Again, thank you for your words. You manage to express my feelings better than I could at this moment. It helped.