Let's talk fears and stuff

Glad it helped you some.

Do you really think I can't have a good mono marriage after this realization? I don't know that I will act out or be depressed, but I might. This is a conversation to have with my husband for sure. It's' going on the list.

I'm not sure. If you are out there dating who you want, it isn't a monogamous marriage any more. It's Open marriage. So no. You cannot have a monogamous marriage if you are also dating.

If you mean you want to be in a Closed marriage, where it is just you and husband. And husband is Open enough for you -- like willing to listen and talk about your poly thoughts and feelings without wigging out or it being a big thing? And you are Closed enough for him -- no dating other people? Maybe that's a place to come to compromise because you don't feel bottled up inside or like you cannot breathe.

If you mean a marriage where you cannot express you poly side, husband doesn't want to hear about any of it? It's supposed to be swept under the rug? I don't know if him loving only the "acceptable" parts of you and not being interested in all of you would eventually make it so you grow apart, grow resentful or miserable.

I would hope that if you are in an unsatisfactory situation that at THAT point in time you would consider parting ways rather than choose to stay miserable and start acting out or get depressed or whatever. I mean, that goes for all marriages. Not just ones with poly people in it. If something is going deeply wrong and there's no way to solve it or all the things have been tried already and it is going nowhere... the final thing to try is to stop being together. Part with regrets maybe, but part all the same so the misery stops and the future can hopefully be better.

I really like the idea of living authentically within and without. At the end of the day if my husband and I can get to a place of understanding where we are at I could see myself being happy there for a long while. At least we could make best choices about our future.

Then I will hope this for you also. That you and husband can talk and arrive at a place of deeper understanding.

Hopefully you can sort all this anxiety and stuff out so you can breathe easier within and without.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I will read that linked info.
I made peace with it because it just feels like it's not going to happen. I'm very reluctant to think that D and I are going to get to a place of giving poly a real go anytime soon.
Also (and this is a new development) I casually asked J if he had always had mono relationships, lead up to asking him if poly was something he'd ever considered and he said that "it wouldn't be a good fit for me".
From the beginning I'd assumed that any groundwork I do with my husband would just better prepare us for if this pop ups again. With my heart beating the way it does I'm almost certain it will. I wasn't actively looking for J.
So, the goal here is D and I reaching an understanding so that in the future we're better off.
Of course this could all be just a way that I'm protecting myself. Believe the worst and be surprised when things go better.

The new name has become a thing lol I picked the first username bc it was pretty anonymous, letters and numbers but it was annoying me bc it wasn't something pronounceable. I wanted to change it quick so not to confuse anyone I've been talking with and I came up with the one I have now but wish I would've just shortened the one I had. Oh well. I am not gonna bug the admins again. I already feel annoying :p

What's up with the new name :) ???[/QUOTE]
 
Don't know if it will help. My wife found the concept of limerence helpful in explaining her recurrent attractions o men over the last 10 years. My wife and I are mono though, so I sometimes tend to have a bias in looking at new romantic love as something that can be dangerous (you know, coz we're mono). If new romantic feelings are okay with everyone, then go enjoy poly. If new romantic feelings are posing serious problems for your day-to-day life or you find yourself losing time because of hours spent fantasizing, then consider looking into limerence, because even if it isn't limerence, it sounds like these feelings are hard for you to handle and some of the theory around managing limerence may still be helpful for you. Maybe. I dunno. Worked for my wife, at least for now. We plan to reassess this in the near future.

Cheers,
Shaya.
 
Don't know if it will help. My wife found the concept of limerence helpful in explaining her recurrent attractions o men over the last 10 years.
Cheers,
Shaya.

Are you reading my mind? Just yesterday I read a post on here that mentioned limerence and being unfamiliar with the word I looked it up and read an article that possibly you had linked in another post. Now I will definitely look more into it. The article mentioned love addiction and while that doesn't resonate with me I'd like to learn more.
I still don't quite understand limerence.
I do see that in me strong feelings make me feel an urgency to act. As if they are going to suddenly disappear if I don't DO. I'm making strides to DO less though and simmer more. Enjoy the good feelings, not let them cause anxiety.
It's hard though.
The ways in which I have been doing are involving myself in the forum, reading, self reflecting, talking to my husband. I think those are healthy actions as long as they aren't consuming.
Does that make sense?
 
The article mentioned love addiction and while that doesn't resonate with me I'd like to learn more.

Love addiction is tricky. It's not a real diagnosis in the sense that most psychologists, and the manual of psychology the DSM V, does not include it, though apparently there was a lot of debate about including it in there. On the one hand, there are people in this world who self-identify or have been identified by their counsellors as "love addicts". These would be people who have burned through multiple good relationships in a series of serial monogamy often with affair overlap. They would have left a metaphorical trail of destruction in their wake, including destroying themselves (metaphorically of course). They seem to chase the NRE high, or behave in ways that people may call an NRE junkie. To heal, these people seem to benefit from putting a label on their self-destructive behaviour and that label seems to be "love addict." It seems to help some people to have a label and to call it an addiction.

The reason it isn't included in the manual of psychiatry seems to be a growing reluctance amongst health professionals to medicalise sexual differences between us. After all, gay sex, nymphomania and other so-called 'deviant' sexual acts used to be in the manual of psychiatry and people used to receive treatment for these conditions including electrocution. There seems to be a feeling amongst psychiatrists that wanting to fall in love over and over again until you reach a ripe old age, may not actually be a psychological disorder. It's possible that a rich and successful person can lead a rich and successful life while chasing an NRE high healthily as long as all parties involved are okay with this. It's probably similar to living the single life... all your life. This article explains the problem with "love addiction" as a diagnosis.


I still don't quite understand limerence.

Try the forums on limerence.net. There are many personal anecdotes there that my wife found useful. May be less useful for you. You may not identify with limerence, though as i mentioned before, if these romantic feelings are intruding on your life, the theory around management of limerence may be of use even if it's not actually limerence. I dunno.
 
Meh... there are people who have steadily used heroin for decades without becoming broken-down addicts.

That doesn't mean heroin use is "healthy."

People who go on endorphin benders, maybe ruining careers & draining retirement accounts, aren't "falling in love" except in the bad-melodrama sense of Romanticism. When they sober up, there's all sorts of tears & abject apology & promises to never "do anything like that" again -- much as any relapsing alcoholic.

Maybe call it a disorder. As a clinician told me, a client can have all the DSM symptoms... but if it's not dragging that person's life down, it's NOT a disorder.

A standard diagnosis might be imperfect, but at least it frames treatment options. Maybe when an NRE junkie feels the beginning of the Big Wave, she can take a pill that'll cap it, allowing her to step back & be a bit more objective.
 
I'm not sure how much of that resonates or is even helpful in my situation.
One of the parts of poly that I enjoyed the most was not feeling like these feelings were wrong in some way.
That there isn't something broken in me.
It is very interesting though. Thank you for the links and thoughts.
 
One of the parts of poly that I enjoyed the most was not feeling like these feelings were wrong in some way.

My wife found this to be one of the most useful concepts of poly as well. Suddenly, she didn't have to feel guilty about feelings for other men. In addition, poly gave her a way in which to ethically manage these feelings that monogamy would insist you sweep under the rug.

Given we're still mono, we've obviously found other healthy ways of dealing with these feelings, but I don't think a lengthy discussion of that belongs in this thread on a polyamory board.
 
If you mean you want to be in a Closed marriage, where it is just you and husband. And husband is Open enough for you -- like willing to listen and talk about your poly thoughts and feelings without wigging out or it being a big thing? And you are Closed enough for him -- no dating other people? Maybe that's a place to come to compromise because you don't feel bottled up inside or like you cannot breathe.

I wanted to clarify, that I think I could be happy in a relationship like this.
I still worry that even this kind of relationship will leave me resentful. Dissatisfaction will result in acting out.

In this scenario I would have to make different choices, do different things.

I will have to guard my heart.
For reasons not due to anything related to poly I had been closed off emotionally. I wasn't feeling things fully. In the last couple years specifically I've been focused on healing physically and spiritually. The things I've done to open up there have got me feeling all the feelings again. All this to say I don't have an idea what balance between being emotionally distant and emotionally open would be. I want my heart in a yard with a fence, not in an open field or in a concrete tower. My heart in an open field is why I consider my natural state. I've had to learn to protect it, but I think I buried it a few years ago.
 
I wanted to clarify, that I think I could be happy in a relationship like this.

Could talk to husband and see if this is a place where you could both thrive.

All this to say I don't have an idea what balance between being emotionally distant and emotionally open would be.

Are you able to be emotionally honest with husband?

I still worry that even this kind of relationship will leave me resentful. Dissatisfaction will result in acting out.

You could think about a plan. What to do if you are growing resentful. So you can either resolve the resentments or step away from the relationship so you don't have to fear acting out.

You are in charge of your behaviors. If you don't want to act out, you don't have to. It's possible to nip problems in the bud. Or take the pot off the burner before it boils over.

What would that look like for you?

I want my heart in a yard with a fence, not in an open field or in a concrete tower.

That's having flexible boundaries. Not entirely walled off from the world. Not letting everyone run all over you like you are a door mat. But having a waist high fence with a gate so you can see the passersby and talk with them and invite the ones you want closer in.

Galagirl
 
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