As Before, Looking for People Who Have Successfully Coped with Circumstance

First, I'd like to thank the forum for helping me with the last difficulty. I thought the situation was resolving itself, as three weeks ago my metamour and I had a brief conversation where she gave me an unasked for apology and I confessed I had fears she would end the relationship. I thought we were on good terms. She thanked me for the flowers I had brought her.

A week ago, with no communication or interaction between us, I noticed she had both unfriended me and blocked me on social media. I inquired of our shared partner if I had done something to offend. He got back to me after speaking to the metamour and she indicated she did not want to be friends nor want my presence in her life. She has indicated if I come over she will hide in their bedroom.

I can clearly tell that I am not wanted in the household, that is shared, by anyone but my partner.

My metamour protested us taking a trip as well but my partner shut her down by indicating that I had paid the cost financially so I had taken nothing from the household as the day the trip occurred was one of my scheduled days with our shared partner.

My partner, our hinge, indicates that my metamour is no longer resisting the relationship but I feel differently because he has to defend our visitation.

I also feel extreme anxiety at having my visitation at his home (we have one visitation at my home so I can be with my daughters on my day off, and one visitation at his home so he can be around his children). When I visit, however, and the metamour hides away, it leaves all parental responsibility on my partner, which means that we only have night time to bond and I want more than night time and sexual intimacy to be the foundation for our relationship. I have been asking for more waking moments and for more time for us to focus on us and not emotional processing or our children or other partners.

The thing is, while I can afford the occasional hotel room or trip, I cannot ask for the time off very frequently as I work in a call center. If I am out of vacation time, I cannot ask for the time off or my job is out of adherence. The monetary resources aren't there to fund a neutral location very often. So I am continuing to visit at his home but I feel anxious.

I know the answer is to stop caring about the other person, but I don't know how not to care. I don't know how to shut that down, particularly as I've always operated off of a life philosophy that every one deserves respect and consideration, additionallly, my partner's happiness is valuable to me which means supporting the other relationships. I don't have to be friends with the metamour, but knowing that I am in a shared space with her children and that she is in the room confined, makes me nervous. I have taken to hiding in the computer room with the extra bed and to the bathroom as I am fearful of running into the metamour in other rooms and triggering her emotions. I do not want to create strife in the household. I do not want to create any reason to build evidence against me or diminish my presence in our hinge's life.

So, I am currently struggling to respect someone else's boundaries as it is their home and their shared space with their two loves and children but I do not have a place there. I do get one overnight at my place but that was a battle and I do not want to put pressure on my partner to stay a second night at my place when he has a family who deserves consideration, too.

I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out how to manage my anxiety at entering what I perceive as hostile territory. My metamour has recently indicated to our partner that she has changed her mind about polyamory, that she doesn't want to date any longer, and that she wants to live at home with her co-primaries (our shared partner and her other partner) in the house with both partners monogamous to her and she to them. I pointed out to my hinge that she is still practicing polyamory, that polyandry is still polyamory not monogamy.

Our shared partner is resisting the restrictions she is trying to place on the relationships and is continuning to see me. The problem I have is how to relax when visiting him in a home I consider hostile to me. It is impacting my ability to relax and enjoy my partner.

I am struggling to hang onto the joy I feel for my partner because it is a mental battle to prepare my fortitude going into territory I perceive as hostile and in which I fear to push on the metamour's boundaries. My libido has dropped and the last two visitations I have just been tired and cuddled up to him, the excitement and joy are hard to hold onto when I'm battling how to stop caring and relax.

Please can someone tell me how they stopped caring so they could just relax and enjoy their partner?
 
I'm sorry the weird continues.

When I visit, however, and the metamour hides away, it leaves all parental responsibility on my partner, which means that we only have night time to bond and I want more than night time and sexual intimacy to be the foundation for our relationship.

So it is his job to hire a babysitter just as he would if he were a single dad so this can happen. If he is having coparenting problems with wife... that is between (him and her) over who is "on duty" for parenting.

Nothing to do with you.

I know the answer is to stop caring about the other person...

Why? You can care about the person and not be rude or mean to them.

But you can also let them deal with themselves and make their own choices. If she wants to rest in her room? That's her option to exercise. It's not you DOING things to her. You are not her guest. You are his guest. So she doesn't have to entertain you or be hostess. She could go read a book, knit, go see a movie, whatever.

I've always operated off of a life philosophy that every one deserves respect and consideration

So don't be rude. Be respectful and considerate. Where are you being rude?

My partner's happiness is valuable to me which means supporting the other relationships. I don't have to be friends with the metamour, but knowing that I am in a shared space with her children and that she is in the room confined, makes me nervous. I have taken to hiding in the computer room with the extra bed and to the bathroom as I am fearful of running into the metamour in other rooms and triggering her emotions.

Why are you walking on eggshells? She is not confined. She can be in whatever room she wants.

If you are a guest, stick to the guest spaces -- bathroom, living room, kitchen, etc. Show up on time, leave on time.

If she has a problem with him having a guest over, let that be a (him + her) thing to sort out about their shared home. It's not your area of concern.

So, I am currently struggling to respect someone else's boundaries

What boundary are you breaking? :confused:

I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out how to manage my anxiety at entering what I perceive as hostile territory.

Stop perceiving it as hostile. Start seeing it as "just my partner's house with his kids. Some times the mom is around."

Our shared partner is resisting the restrictions she is trying to place on the relationships and is continuning to see me. The problem I have is how to relax when visiting him in a home I consider hostile to me. It is impacting my ability to relax and enjoy my partner.

Well, you either stop going over there, you see him less, or you go over there and stop looking at it as "me going into her turf" and see it more as "me visiting him at his turf."

She's made a request of the shared hinge.

They were doing an Open poly model. She wants to change it to a Closed V with herself as hinge to her 2 partners. Nobody else.

It's on him to respond to her.

  • Yes he wants to do that.
  • No he does not want to that.

That is all "him + her" stuff. Not anything to do with you.

Part of reducing your anxiety load may involve asking your partner to STOP telling you the play-by-play of (him + wife) stuff because you find it annoying/upsetting/whatever. Just give you a monthly update rather than a weekly or daily. Maybe not even monthly. Once every 3 mos. A spring, summer, fall, and winter check in.


I am struggling to hang onto the joy I feel for my partner because it is a mental battle to prepare my fortitude going into territory I perceive as hostile and in which I fear to push on the metamour's boundaries.

What do you need to have happen to stop perceiveing it as hostile?

For him to stop telling you (him + her) details? Cuz it sounds like basically you go over. You are not her guest. So she chooses to hang out in her room. You are his guest. So he attends to you as his guest. What's so horrible about that? :confused:

She could go out, hang in another room, garden -- whatever she wants. You don't sound like you are being rude to her or anything.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I perceive it as hostile because she does not want me over there. She doesn't like seeing me around him.

This is not a situation as I would define as just going over to the house of a single parent. She doesn't want to see me. Just seeing me interact with her partner sets her off.

I had a friendship with her other partner as well but when she got jealous it was a condition of theirs that he not have contact with me. They are both there and I try to avoid them.

You make everything sound so simple and easy with your replies but it's not that easy nor that simple. I'm aware that she does not want me around nor in her house. She has tried to set rules when her jealousy is triggered and I have pushed back on the hinge for boundaries.

I don't get a play by play of her interactions. I was directly involved in the interactions where she indicated friendship and then retracted. I can see it on her face, in her body language. Yes, it might be a him and her problem but it is further made worse by my presence. I don't want to be in a place where my presence is not wanted.

Even if it were not poly, I would not stay where I am not welcome.

I am frequently frustrated by how so many poly answers on every forum seem to align with solo poly practice. You can't date one half of a pair and be in a shared space of a household and just disregard people and feelings. I call it as hostile because I can tell in her interactions with me that she does not want me there.

When someone starts to interact with me, hears her coming and then dashes away before resuming conversation with me after she's moved to another part of the house and then cuts off a friendship because of her insecurities (that would be the other). When I can see her reactions, like when I came over and she had been drinking and then started crying, I pushed our hinge toward her and wanted to leave, knowing that she had emotions and that my presence was making things worse.

I can't just be over there and not fear running into her when I have observed directly for myself her reactions over the last six months to my presence in her household.

And I don't believe that it is fair to just indicate he should just hire a babysitter so he can share time with me. There are three adults in the household that cohabitate, it seems to me that since he watches the children so she can have time with her other partner, that since they are coparents that the reverse should also be true. I'm not going to suggest he hire a baby sitter, especially knowing their financial situation. That would be rude. I think the better answer would be not to hide away, to find a way to exist peaceably.

So many responses in the various poly forums I read seem to focus on compartmentalization. That just makes it more difficult on logistics to manage. The better answer would be for people to find away to exist alongside each other without shunning one another. I just don't understand why so many answers move away from learning to share and be amicable toward splitting people off and stretching shared resources even further. I don't understand why all four adults in the household can't be friendly enough to share childcare responsibilities, with the agreement that when people want time for intimacy or alone, that someone can pick up the child care and then pass it between the adults.

I thought that was one of the advantages of building a poly community, when I started my journey. In fact, I read about things like poly parental exchanges and thought, I'm willing to do that. In fact, when I first met my hinge's family, they expressed frustration that one one would assist watching the children when they wanted to do something and I said I was open to that ideal and was willing to consider that kind of arrangement. Then everything changed and I don't understand why.

The hardest part of poly is feeling like the only control I really have is to walk away. So much of the poly community's advice is seperate and consider people solely by themself but the external relationships also have influence which while the ideal advice sounds nice is hard to put into place practically.

I just want to know how to make one's self stop caring so much about another person's emotional reactions. Like, was there a thought process useful for disassociation?

I don't need the solo poly focused advice when it doesn't fit my needs or philosophy. I need to understand how to split my viewpoint without giving up my own core beliefs of community.
 
I know you do not want to hear it, but do not see your partner at the home he shares with his partner. You host or meet at neutral location.

Butch does not like Murf in his space for overnights. So guess what I go to Murf. Butch has kid duty those nights.

If this is not possible then maybe it is just not meant to be.
 
You deserve a comfortable place.

If he cannot negotiate that, then it is okay to say, "I cannot do these visitations under these circumstances".

You are having understandable and reasonable reactions to the circumstance.

That means the circumstance needs to change.

If she is so upset she cannot care for her kids-- you not wanting to be the trigger for that is reasonable.

If she is just refusing- that is reasonable to not want to play that, either.

Trust your emotions. Trust your sense of what feels on and off. Be willing to walk away or back off or ask for accommodation if it does.
 
Thank you for more info. That paints more of a picture.

In fact, when I first met my hinge's family, they expressed frustration that one one would assist watching the children when they wanted to do something and I said I was open to that ideal and was willing to consider that kind of arrangement. Then everything changed and I don't understand why.

To me it sounds like you were promised a community oriented/kitchen table poly vibe. But are not actually getting it here. :(

I perceive it as hostile because she does not want me over there. She doesn't like seeing me around him.

I get that the feelings are hard to feel. But the actions are straight forward. If she's drinking and crying and stuff when you go over there? And not just going off to her room to do her thing calmly... stop going over there.

There is being "not esp warm and not wanting to be friends" and then there's being "all in agony."

At this time? You feel like this:

I don't want to be in a place where my presence is not wanted.

You could stop going over there for a while. Meet in your space or budget friendly / free neutral spaces instead.

The better answer would be for people to find away to exist alongside each other without shunning one another.

I agree with you. That would be the ideal. But that is dependent on ALL FOUR people having this as a shared vision. In your situation, you do not have this. :(

It isn't being solo poly -- it's dealing with what you actually have on your hands in your poly grouping.

The reality is that not all groupings get along. Sometimes they have to think about running "very separate V's."

If this "community/kitchen table poly" vision is not a shared vision across all four? Then it just isn't. You may have to default to next best thing. Or default to what is under YOUR control that YOU could do. Because you cannot make other people be up for stuff that they don't want to be up for.

  • There is stuff you could do directly.
  • There is stuff you could ask your partner. Like could he be willing to do X to ease the situation?

I am frequently frustrated by how so many poly answers on every forum seem to align with solo poly practice. You can't date one half of a pair and be in a shared space of a household and just disregard people and feelings.

You are correct. You cannot date a married person and pretend they are not married.

I'm not telling you to disregard her feelings. I am telling you to stop making her feelings be the center of all. I am telling you that your feelings matter TOO.

If your partner invites you over, and it is not a nice space to be in? Next time he invites you say NO. Don't go.

"Thank you for the invite. But no thank you. Last time it was too weird for me. If that clears up in future we can try again then. For now, I don't want to visit you there."​

And let it be the hinge's job to sort out whatever with her so the environment improves. You are in charge of yourself and where you go.

Supporting your partner does not mean you throwing yourself under the bus. You matter too.

There are three adults in the household that cohabitate, it seems to me that since he watches the children so she can have time with her other partner, that since they are coparents that the reverse should also be true.

It could be. But it doesn't sound like it is. If she always expects him to watch the kids when she goes out but never takes her fair turn for him to go out? That is a problem for him to solve. It AFFECTS you, and your time with him, but these are HIS children and HIS childcare arrangements. They are his responsibility.

He can solve it in several ways.

1) Talk to her about taking fair turns
2) Start using other sitters so BOTH can go out
3) A combo of the above or some other idea.

But these are their children, and it is their job to do the childcare sorting.

I'm not going to suggest he hire a baby sitter, especially knowing their financial situation. That would be rude. I think the better answer would be not to hide away, to find a way to exist peaceably.

I agree that finding a way for all to get along peacefully would be best. But she doesn't seem to share that vision. You have to work with what you actually have in this grouping.

I do not hire sitters often. I trade. I watch friends' kids, and they watch mine. It is free. So... that's another possibility for solving it.

HOW he chooses to solve his childcare stuff? That is his job. I don't think it is rude to expect him to care for his children. I don't think it is rude to ask him if he needs help brainstorming other childcare solutions.



I just want to know how to make one's self stop caring so much about another person's emotional reactions. Like, was there a thought process useful for disassociation?

http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/understand-my-stuffyour-stuff

If you wish to disassociate some, you have to be willing for some of the stuff to be only his job. Or only her job. Everything cannot be your job.

I need to understand how to split my viewpoint without giving up my own core beliefs of community.

If you were sold "kitchen table poly" at the start but come to find that ACTUALLY... they want to do separate V stuff at BEST? And you value kitchen table model? Then yeah. You are going to feel frustrated here.

If things do not get better... you may arrive at a point where you have to choose between (keep participating in this non-community oriented grouping and live with it) or (want to be in community oriented grouping so leave the one that isn't that.)

You will have to answer to the higher want. None of that will feel easy. For that I am sorry. :(

But the actions? You simply will have to sit down and think things out. And decide how you want to deal with the situation. Only you can decide what you are and are not up for.

If this situation is hurting you? You may have to tell him "Look, I love you a lot. But not even for you will I stay in a thing that hurts me."

YOU MATTER TOO.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Sagebutterfly, thank you for your explication of your situation. That helps me a lot.

IMO, GalaGirl has done an excellent job of going after the relevant points, as usual.

However, I truly hope to see more people weigh in here as to how "polyamory" works into this ... well, mess.

IMO, The Metamour is -- as I cannot in my head find an appropriately gender-neutral term -- being a dick. She is being a whiny, self-centered dingus, punishing her ostensible partner for having you around, rather than remembering where she left her spine, owning &addressing her gripes directly as though she were a responsible adult.

And your "hinge" SUCKS at interpolating this impasse.

Overall, I begin to doubt that this is "polyamory," rather an open marriage, & at that only until problems arise, therefore "sunshine warrior" nonsense.

A shout out to the general membership -- how about we all discuss whether this is typical of polyamory (or not) & why.
 
Sageflutterby - Oh girl, how I do feel for you! This situation has to be extremely frustrating, confusing, even heartbreaking in terms of your partner's seemingly passive response and the (most unpalatable) options available to you.

While I believe GalaGirl mostly gives great advice - and has again here, especially with her second comment - I can understand your frustration at constantly being offered very "dry" advice from other poly folk that, on the surface at least, doesn't seem to truly empathise with the emotions involved in such situations.

Being told to... a.) ignore a key person's antics because it's "not your problem/job" to manage how they react to you, even when their actions directly impact your relationship experience or quality of life... or b.) end a relationship that may be fulfilling in every other way except for the actions of an intransigent, jealous and emotionally volatile meta... might be "technically sound" advice, yet not always be the most workable or logical in situations such as the one you describe (despite the unfortunate reality that sometimes compartmentalisation or separation will be the only choices left after all other avenues have been exhausted).

I understand that some "typical poly" advice can sound like an "easy fix" as long we don't have to factor tricksy human emotions or unusual life circumstances into the equation. I wish I could offer some unique insight or previously unthought-of solution to your dilemma, but I have to concur that your partner, as hinge, needs to step up and ensure you are treated WELL by his wife and his meta within his own home. He needs to advocate for your relationship, so that you feel valued and welcome, and not like you are walking across a mine-laden field whenever you enter that house - or else you need to conduct your relationship elsewhere.

I agree with Ravenscroft that your meta is being a "dick". I would add "total hypocrite" to the list, as she seems to want to have her cake(s) and to eat it too, insofar as "hoarding" the menfolk in your poly circle for her own exclusive use. (You're not even "allowed" to speak with her OSO let alone continue that friendship??)

Personally, I'd want to know where her attitude springs from. I'm not being facetious, but does she have a pre-existing mental or emotional condition unrelated to her feelings about your shared partner being with people other than her? Is she medicated? Does she abuse alcohol or drugs?

She claims to practise "poly" and indicated to you, by words and with flowers, that she was coming around and willing to repair your friendship - then blocks you on social media, hides in her room whenever you show up, and now states that she wants to *close* their marriage, despite the fact that she still wants to retain *her* other partner. That is unpredictable and irrational behaviour.

To my mind, this is not true polyamory UNLESS both her other partners have agreed (without being threatened or coerced) to abide by this agreement. A permanently closed MFM V is closer to polyandry.
 
Last edited:
Sageflutterby, having just glanced over an earlier thread of yours, I see that your meta used to pull all kinds of stunts whenever your partner attempted to overnight at your place and now she's pulling similar tricks when you go *there*.

To me it sounds like it's a no-win situation *unless* your shared partner either ends the relationship he has with *her*... you or he end your relationship... or your partner gets serious about re-negotiating agreements with her and her OSO re: childcare and the way they choose to do poly, as well as maintaining his own boundaries regarding what behaviour he will tolerate from her, in regards to you, without her negativity having repercussions on *their* relationship.

GalaGirl is right that your partner needs to advocate for YOUR (his/your) relationship or else it's not going to be worth sticking around for the long haul.
 
Last edited:
I think the key here is "shared vision". Clearly your meta does not share that kitchen table poly vision beyond her two partners. It sounds like she has changed the rules or is attempting to change them. Your hinge is probably trying, but there really is no way to force someone to comply. This will end with one of these relationships ending.

Everything everyone is suggesting here (not going over there, etc) is just a band-aid.
 
You partner needs to put his foot down with your meta and nip her behaviour in the bud.
 
I personally subscribe to the "Home as Sanctuary" philosophy. More than anything, I believe people should feel safe and comfortable in their own home, even if that home is shared with their partners. That means I believe that if someone doesn't want someone else around, then the other people who live there don't have the right to invite those someones over. You and your partner can always find somewhere else to go, even if it's just sitting in the car a block from the house and just talking.

I don't understand why all four adults in the household can't be friendly enough to share childcare responsibilities, with the agreement that when people want time for intimacy or alone, that someone can pick up the child care and then pass it between the adults.

Because some people just aren't mature enough to behave like reasonable grown-ups.

If you don't like the solo poly approach, and I don't blame you, it's not my thing either... then that means that besides "partner selection" you have to consider "metamour selection" when you're dating. People come with baggage. Baggage is the price of admission for dating those people. You can't do anything about their baggage, all you can do is decide whether you're willing to be around their baggage, or not. It's a simple choice, if not necessarily easy.

I thought that was one of the advantages of building a poly community, when I started my journey. In fact, I read about things like poly parental exchanges and thought, I'm willing to do that.

It's a common misconception that Poly Community is a thing. There's just Community. Some of it happens to be poly folk, some of it doesn't. Just because two people are dating the same person doesn't automatically make them part of the same community. Community is the friends and social network you build around yourself. Sometimes people include their metamours in their community. Sometimes they don't. Yours obviously doesn't.

Poly isn't some fantasy lala land where everyone is all perfect and awesome and knows how to communicate and owns their shit and takes accountability for their behaviour. It's just dating, with all the usual mess that comes with dating... along with a bunch of extra mess that comes with the extra people. Most people don't actually have their shit together enough to be dating, period. Let alone to be dating multiple people, or to be dating people who are dating multiple people. So you start throwing a bunch of real, human, somewhat broken people into a big mixing pot of emotions and monogamous social conditioning... Yeah, of course you're going to run into all kinds of shit. That's just part of the territory!

The hardest part of poly is feeling like the only control I really have is to walk away. So much of the poly community's advice is seperate and consider people solely by themself but the external relationships also have influence which while the ideal advice sounds nice is hard to put into place practically.

That's because so many of us have been around the block enough to know that you can't change other people, and you *really* can't change other people who aren't even dating you. Enough of us have fallen into the "Sunken Cost Fallacy" enough times, and seen it happen exponentially more times, to know that it's usually much easier to just cut your losses and get out before you've wasted too much time and energy on a lost cause.

Frankly, it sounds like your metamour has completely checked out. You can expect zero movement on her part. So you have to choose your behaviour accordingly. What good does it do you to complain that she's doesn't behave differently? What will that accomplish? Sooner or later you just have to accept reality, and react accordingly. You don't have to "understand" why she can't just put on her Big Girl Panties and get along with everyone. You just have to accept that she can't.

I don't have to be friends with the metamour, but knowing that I am in a shared space with her children and that she is in the room confined, makes me nervous. I have taken to hiding in the computer room with the extra bed and to the bathroom as I am fearful of running into the metamour in other rooms and triggering her emotions.

Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but is it not possible for you and your partner to hang out together in the computer room with the door closed, while she cares for her kids in the rest of the house? You've indicated that your partner cares for the kids when she spends time with her partners, so he's entitled to request the same back.
 
Last edited:
I am frequently frustrated by how so many poly answers on every forum seem to align with solo poly practice.


In my observation, replies are based on experiences.

My ex-husband was involved with more than one woman when I was married to him. I grew up in a polyamorous family. Although that was not the marriage I wanted I accepted. I was monogamous but I tries to be friendly with those women. But they didn’t like it. They were uncomfortable around me. So was my ex-husband. I didn’t push them. I gave them space. They were happy and I was unhappy and lonely.

When I become involved with a man I told my ex-husband. He didn’t care. All he said was, oh you’ve found someone. He drank his coffee and left. But later my ex-husband became jealous. I still don’t know why. He had everything.

At the end, I was tossed away.

My personal experience tells me this poly relationship you are in won’t bode well for you. I sincerely hope I am wrong.


When someone starts to interact with me, hears her coming and then dashes away before resuming conversation with me after she's moved to another part of the house and then cuts off a friendship because of her insecurities (that would be the other). When I can see her reactions, like when I came over and she had been drinking and then started crying, I pushed our hinge toward her and wanted to leave, knowing that she had emotions and that my presence was making things worse.


How long can you stay in this High School? In High School no one stays for forever. We leave after graduation. We are much, much more mature than this. What are your expectations from this poly relationship? Are you happy? How many sacrifices can you make? How far can you go?


I am struggling to hang onto the joy I feel for my partner because it is a mental battle to prepare my fortitude going into territory I perceive as hostile and in which I fear to push on the metamour's boundaries. My libido has dropped and the last two visitations I have just been tired and cuddled up to him, the excitement and joy are hard to hold onto when I'm battling how to stop caring and relax.


Once again, how long do you think you can survive in a situation like this?


I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out how to manage my anxiety at entering what I perceive as hostile territory. My metamour has recently indicated to our partner that she has changed her mind about polyamory, that she doesn't want to date any longer, and that she wants to live at home with her co-primaries (our shared partner and her other partner) in the house with both partners monogamous to her and she to them. I pointed out to my hinge that she is still practicing polyamory, that polyandry is still polyamory not monogamy.


This is a tug-of-war! Personally, I don’t like to play this kind of games.


The hardest part of poly is feeling like the only control I really have is to walk away.


I wish I had used that option. I had wasted good years on my ex-husband.


I think the better answer would be not to hide away, to find a way to exist peaceably.


We have lots of dreams, expectations and hopes. But I shouldn’t dream that another individual human will fulfill my expectations. I can only hope. I can’t expect someone else will play by my rules.


Then everything changed and I don't understand why.


If. . . I were in a situation like this. . . and. . . if I want to take another chance. . . I would try to find out the reasons.


I need to understand how to split my viewpoint without giving up my own core beliefs of community.


Community.

Most people don’t know when I say my parents I mean seven married couples and two divorced women. It was and still is a one single family. They share one residence and sources of incomes. My parents have twenty two children. All of these children were breast fed by more than one woman, disciplined by more than one man and raised by all the parents. They have never read any book or article on poly. They have very little education. But they made it work. They were young when they formed their ONE poly relationship. Now they are old. Some of them need help to get up from chair. Some of them need hot water bags in the evening. Some of them need special cooked food. One of my parents, few months ago, needed help to go to bathroom. Still they are together. When they watch TV together they don’t fight over the remote control.

Only three of the children (including myself) became poly. My parents don’t think we are poly. They think we are a little more than swingers. My parents have their ways and we have ours.

What is this poly community we refer? We all have our own definitions, don’t we?

I have three relationships – a married couple, a widow man, and a single man. Last month that single man has become my husband. I’m pregnant and my husband is the father of the child. Now, that married couple and that widow man have become my friends (only). They are happy for us. They are giving us space. I didn’t ask. But I think I need that space. My husband has always been a monogamous guy (except few group sex). Am I polygamous or monogamous? I don’t care. At this point my child is my priority.

I'm 42 and first time pregnant. I've given up a lot of things in my life for my previous marriage. I've made sacrifices to make other happy. I shrunk, in past, because I cared others' feelings and emotions (most of the times in return I was stiffed). Not any more.

You have the right to give up your viewpoint and anything else you want. But would you give up just for one woman?
 
Take it as you like or feel... The feels don't pay the bills unless you're n Arhtist

You want it with feelings or you want just feelings?? Wisdom is without emotion!
So, your meta is a selfish Hippocratical Bitch!!
She wants her two guys for just her... And thinks she can change the agreed upons by herself without regard to her SO'S preference!...
That's on your shared SO... He needs to say..I " agree" or " I don't agree" to the new terms of his other relationship

From there.. You decide what you want to live with.. Between you and your SO!
I will encourage you to look up Responsible Nonmonogomy!.. questions about it?? Humm... Look up Revanscroft..lol
What is it that you are signing up for willingly??
To each their own.
If it was me.. Having to want a relationship that bad with someone like your SO...

I would write down my needs: how much time with this person do I want?
How much is available?
Where it's best, how it's best to split time? Ect.. and find agreement from there
Any way that's a start... I hope it makes sense to you... Or at least what the others have shared so far.. Lol
Thanks for considering And please come back and give us feed back.. We enjoy learning too
 
Last edited:
Hi Sageflutterby,

I am sorry to tell you that I don't know of any way you can stop caring (so you could relax and enjoy your partner). I suppose in theory you could get all up into your metamour's grill and say, "I've had enough of your bullshit! Get your act together!" or, your partner could get up into her grill and say, "Get your act together, or we're finished!" but, those tactics could easily backfire. All I know to suggest besides that is to keep going over to his house and suffer in silence, hoping that time and familiarity with the routine will eventually make things easier for you. It's possible that this is just a temporary state of affairs, at least as far as your psyche is concerned.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. Your metamour is acting completely unfair. Your partner should probably stand up to her, but she has him in a terrorized state where he's afraid of losing her. As I said, totally unfair on her part.

I hope somebody has some useful advice for you at some point. I know my advice probably isn't very helpful. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top