ThreesACrowd
New member
Hey folks, 24f here on the end of a V. I'm asking for advice, red flag spotting, and proactive steps I can take to help our polycule stay strong and healthy.
My N turned into a V about a month ago when my ex bf and I broke up. He and I had been together for over 4 yrs. I'm still with my gf of 6 months, who has and lives with a bf of almost 4yrs. Id essentially been living between those two home for months until my bf and I ended. Since then, I moved fully into the apt with my gf and meta.
Several things in addition to us living together has happened. My relationship with my meta has turned sexual and we share affection (cuddling, etc). It's otherwise very clear that neither he and I are in a relationship. I specifically do not want a relationship with him because I've finally accepted that my sexuality is not compatible with having a boyfriend (hence my break up a month ago).
We all communicate. However my gf and meta seem to be having communication issues here and there. They both vent to me in ways and to different degrees. I don't transfer messages, and I don't discuss things that were told to me in confidence. I just sorta listen, give communication tips (like, "try prefacing your walls of emotions with your objective so gf understands what you want from her"), hugs, reassurances ("she does love you. I can see it every time you come home and her eyes light up"), etc. I hope this isn't crossing the line, I know it's not my relationship, but I want to see them strong and it's so easy to slip into bestfriend mode with my Gf and I enjoy being able to make a positive different to my meta.
Another thing I'm hoping won't be a problem is that I'm basically the main person having sex with both. Even tho I'm only dating one of them, seems like I'm the hinge when it comes to sex. Nowadays the only time they have sex with each other is when we all are involved. To their defense, their sexual life wasn't super existent before I came around. I also have the highest libido of anyone ever, so it kinda takes both of them. I have regular check ins with my gf and she continues to assure me that she's cool with my sexual relationship with the meta. Both the meta and I put our separate relationships with the gf well above any priority for our sexual relationship.
I'm asking for advice because I've read all the unicorn sites, the secondary bill of rights, etc, and very little of it really helps in my case because either the underlying dynamic doesn't exist here or our polycule has already addressed the issue. We don't use prescriptive hierarchy, but in descprtive terminology, we are both primaries to the Gf. We're all free to date outside the relationship. The gf and meta will get married, and I have never been excited to marry. We will all co-parent, and they understand that I'm not set on having my meta father my children. We plan on living together long term. They understand what couples privileges I have pointed out, usually regarding being open and out (but we are all now mostly open). They want to bring me along family/holiday trips, and in all ways want to integrate my relationship with gf into their lives.
Am I missing something?
My N turned into a V about a month ago when my ex bf and I broke up. He and I had been together for over 4 yrs. I'm still with my gf of 6 months, who has and lives with a bf of almost 4yrs. Id essentially been living between those two home for months until my bf and I ended. Since then, I moved fully into the apt with my gf and meta.
Several things in addition to us living together has happened. My relationship with my meta has turned sexual and we share affection (cuddling, etc). It's otherwise very clear that neither he and I are in a relationship. I specifically do not want a relationship with him because I've finally accepted that my sexuality is not compatible with having a boyfriend (hence my break up a month ago).
We all communicate. However my gf and meta seem to be having communication issues here and there. They both vent to me in ways and to different degrees. I don't transfer messages, and I don't discuss things that were told to me in confidence. I just sorta listen, give communication tips (like, "try prefacing your walls of emotions with your objective so gf understands what you want from her"), hugs, reassurances ("she does love you. I can see it every time you come home and her eyes light up"), etc. I hope this isn't crossing the line, I know it's not my relationship, but I want to see them strong and it's so easy to slip into bestfriend mode with my Gf and I enjoy being able to make a positive different to my meta.
Another thing I'm hoping won't be a problem is that I'm basically the main person having sex with both. Even tho I'm only dating one of them, seems like I'm the hinge when it comes to sex. Nowadays the only time they have sex with each other is when we all are involved. To their defense, their sexual life wasn't super existent before I came around. I also have the highest libido of anyone ever, so it kinda takes both of them. I have regular check ins with my gf and she continues to assure me that she's cool with my sexual relationship with the meta. Both the meta and I put our separate relationships with the gf well above any priority for our sexual relationship.
I'm asking for advice because I've read all the unicorn sites, the secondary bill of rights, etc, and very little of it really helps in my case because either the underlying dynamic doesn't exist here or our polycule has already addressed the issue. We don't use prescriptive hierarchy, but in descprtive terminology, we are both primaries to the Gf. We're all free to date outside the relationship. The gf and meta will get married, and I have never been excited to marry. We will all co-parent, and they understand that I'm not set on having my meta father my children. We plan on living together long term. They understand what couples privileges I have pointed out, usually regarding being open and out (but we are all now mostly open). They want to bring me along family/holiday trips, and in all ways want to integrate my relationship with gf into their lives.
Am I missing something?