I literally don't know what conditions I should be setting, especially since it feels wrong to set conditions predicated by a third party's behavior.
How does it feel wrong to articulate
your limit of tolerance or ability?
I deal with a LOT of mental health issues doing alzheimer eldercare for parent. So I cannot deal with
more mental health stuff in partners, friends, etc. I don't have the bandwidth for more patient load.
For my OWN mental/emotional health to stay stable? I cannot be close/tight with any unmanaged mental health patients. It doesn't mean I think they are horrible. It means I have a limit to what *I* can deal with at one time.
Take the suicide gestures. How are those handled? If it is once in a GREAT long while and it is handled by seeking a doc check up, checking if meds are still correct, etc? I am willing to stay. Because the patient (my meta) is doing their best to do their management plan. Slip ups can happen. People drop their marbles. But if after that, they try to pick them back up decently by checking in with their doc, doing labs to make sure meds are still correct or similar? Then I am ok with it.
But if suicide gestures are happening
a lot? And the patient is unmanaged? Refuses to see a doc and work with them to develop their patient management plan? Or has a plan but will not work it? I don't want to deal with that. That's my line in the sand. My boundary is "For my own mental/emotional health to be stable.... I cannot be close to patient people who are not doing their management plans."
If they demonstrate that they are trying to work on their health? Making doc appoints, meds, stress management, anger management, doing whatever their patient plan requires of them? They work that show? Alright. We can hang out and be together because they are doing their patient management. I don't mind being with people in progress. I can forgive the slip ups that happen here and there. Nobody is perfect. Because I can see the
intent is pointing towards management.
If they are NOT doing their patient management things and want to hang out/use me for emotional dumpster/some other thing? The intent is pointing toward mess and the result is me being dinged a lot? I do not want to participate in things like that. I don't want to be close with people who don't want to attend to their health and are up and down all the time.
My consent to participate in things belongs to me. So... I will say no, thanks. Because I have to attend to my OWN health care and I know I get super frustrated/stressed/anxious/trapped feeling when I am in that position. And I greatly dislike it.
I mean, what am I supposed to say? If your spouse threatens suicide again to emotionally manipulate you, I'm gone? I told him that, that I didn't want to be hostage to someone willing to use that as a weapon. I take suicide very seriously (past life experience with my mother).
You can say "There's been X suicide gestures this year. That's too many for me up close.
I cannot hang around unmanaged people or hear about unmanaged people if I want my own health to be ok. I need a break/more space from that.
I hope you get your spouse to health care. If spouse is working her management plan, then we can get together more often. If not? I need to reduce to _____ times a week and I need you to stop telling me every time there's a thing on that side of the V."
You don't have to break up if you don't want to break up. But you do have to change your level exposure to the drama. If you do not want to remove yourself from this poly network, then
reduce your exposure to the wacky.
He's receptive. He hasn't once told me I was wrong. And he has been receptive this week to breaking the normal calendar schedule of her weekend to taking care of my emotional needs because I had two dates locked out by her actions. He's not having panic attacks at negotiating boundaries the way he used to. He has gotten some backbone.
Well, that's good.
Am I just supposed to ignore the efforts, all or nothing?
You could reassess. It's it enough effort for now for you to be willing to keep on with this or not? Only you can make that call.
If so... then keep going with it and decide you will take reassessments annually or every X months or whatever.
I'm frustrated because I don't know how to resolve a situation that requires direct communication with the person who I can't access and who can't talk to me and isn't willing to talk to her husband.
That is why my boundary is what it is:
"For my OWN mental/emotional health to stay stable? I cannot be close/tight with any unmanaged mental health people."
I cannot hang around people who will not do their management plan -- whatever it is. I cannot be hearing the daily or weekly play-by-play of what is going on with them from them directly OR from other people. I do not care to know at that high a frequency.
I cannot control whether they are willing to do their management plan or not.
I CAN control how close I am to them and whether or not they ding me.
So I would see partner less often, and ask them not to share their spouse troubles with me for a while. I would take the break I need away from hearing about all that/experiencing all that.
I would put my own oxygen mask on first. And if what I need in the moment is to do my own self care? That's what I'm going to do.
I think that I just get very emotional when I feel trapped and don't see a course of action without conflict and both paths of action feel like things I don't want.
Not every choice in life is "win or lose." Some are "This option stinks. That option stinks. There is no rose smelling choice. So which one stinks least?"
Are you not comfortable with having to do conflict resolution? You seem to be doing it ok with him. You make requests. He implements them.
And I told him that it pisses me off that he's waiting for me to hit a wall and doing nothing to help stop it (that was two months ago) to which he expressed frustration that he didn't know how he was supposed to control his spouse's behaviors when its not his place to control another person.
No. He cannot control if his spouse calls him while he's on a date with you. He CAN control if he answers it right then or let's it go to voice mail.
He cannot control when someone texts him. If the phone boops while he's having sex with you from some text thing? He CAN control if he answers it right then or not.
Why is that confusing for him?
Stop worrying about controlling her behavior and control his OWN behavior.
It's like... She does X, so he reacts right away and does Y.
He could learn to take a time out. A breather space. Slow it down. To give him time to think and RESPOND thoughtfully to the situation rather than just knee jerk REACT to the situation.
Most of the stuff you list that was resolved you frame like it was her doing. Well, she may have done behavior X to start it. But he did behavior Y
to keep it going. You cannot ask him to control HER behaviors... but you CAN ask him to change HIS.
You can ask him to stop "reacting on auto-pilot" every time she dings his bell. And learn to RESPOND instead.
You know darn well it takes a long search, sometimes never, to find the right combo for some polycules. Some never find the traits they are looking for. Well I have. And I'm scared that I'll never find it again. I don't want to wait another 19 years.
I'm not sure what you are saying there. Could you be willing to clarify?
Are you saying something like...
"It took me 19 years to find this V combo. Dealing with his spouse is part of the price of admission. I'm still willing to keep paying the price because I'm scared that if I stop he will leave, and then I won't ever have a V like this again."
Something like that?
Could you be willing to clarify?
Galagirl