Relationship repair after a fight

Shaya

New member
In reading some of the more troubled blogs, or when looking at a new member posting their troubling transition to polyamory, I feel that there may be an underlying similarity between poor relationships that has to do with repairing after an argument.

We all argue. We all fight. We generally try to fight above the belt. But what about the aftermath? Are we so unhappy and crying in the aftermath that we never want to fight again?

Fighting is normal but only lasts a few minutes if you do it right. The emotional fallout can last hours or days if not handled correctly and this longevity of negative emotions is what I feel we remember on when we're unhappy with our current relationship. Rephrasing this, I feel that fighting or repairing poorly may lead to long stretches of unhappiness and it may be such long stretches that wear us down emotionally in our relationships. In this sense, relationship repair is important. I would be curious to see how many of us feel we could improve in the department of relationship repair.

Similar to the relationships vulnerability quiz I posted elsewhere, I'd like to share another one up, this time from the Gottmann Institute, on relationship repair and argument styles.

The quiz is a 10-question true/false. I'll post the quiz below along with its interpretation of scores, then critique the quiz in post #2 below because it is by no means the best quiz in this area. Happy for others to post a better one if you've come accross one that impressed you. Also happy for people to post your (and your partner's) scores as replies, or to critique the quiz, or to share further insight and discussion in your follow up posts. Thanks!

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Answer True or False to the following questions. Tally up the number of 'True' Statements to get a score between 0-10.

1. We are good at taking breaks when we need them.
2. My partner usually accepts my apologies.
3. I can say that I am wrong.
4. When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense.
5. We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things.
6. If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things.
7. When I comment on how we could communicate better, my partner listens to me.
8. Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences.
9. We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing.
10. When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference.
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The website says more than 5 or more 'True' statements is good whilst 5 or less is bad.
 
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I think the quiz is useful because it focusses on a very specfic aspect of relationshipping that I currently feel is actually more important than I had previously realised. I mean, really, think about it. What wears us down emotionally? Is it the actual fight? Is it the hours or days of negative emotions due to the fallout of the fight? Is the topic of the fight even relevant or is it how we fight that is more important? How can we fight better in future? In my case, I think almost all the negative feelings in my relationship can be traced back to a fight. Does that mean I just have to fight better? Is that all there is to a better relationship?

That's why I found the quiz useful. It made me think. Currently, I'm thinking if there's a way to measure the correlation between general happiness in a relationship and the score in this quiz. If the correlation is super high, then this quiz actually says a lot about why we are unhappy in a relationship, namely, that unhappiness stems from poor arguing, poor repairing or poor conflict resolution and little else. I dunno. Still thinking about it.

However, I feel the quiz can do with some improvement. Firstly, I'm not sure there's any science to their choice of '5' as the cut-off. I feel that anything short of 10 means there is room for improvement and who doesn't want improvement? Why stop at 5?

Secondly, I have an issue in that different questions in the quiz seem to be directed sometimes at myself and sometimes at my partner. I agree it takes two to tango, so to speak, so that any question that is asking something about my partner may actually be asking a question about me. But I still think the quiz essentially asks a few questions about me, a few questions about what I think about my partner and a few questions about what I think about my relationship. This makes the overall result harder to interpret.

I scored 6 and my wife scored 4. The poor score is surprising to me. It has highlighted for my relationship an area that requires improving.

Look forward to your insight into this. In particular, do you find that good (or bad) habits from one relationship seep into your other relationships or teach you things about your other relationships that you may not have noticed otherwise? Do good habits influence you to behave better in your other relationships or does that somehow backfire to dissolve your original relationship? I feel I could learn a lot from many of you on this issue.
 
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Hey Shaya, the video on the webpage you link is interesting. It basically states that it doesn't matter much how you repair - if you've been behaving well in the relationship, then repairing is easy.

In particular, do you find that good (or bad) habits from one relationship seep into your other relationships or teach you things about your other relationships that you may not have noticed otherwise?
I do certainly find that good and bad relationship habits apply to all of the person's relationship. People carry around their own set of skills, which just combine differently with different partners. And sometimes a different angle of view in a different relationship can be very illuminating.
 
I think my problem with this quiz, and with other stuff from Gottman, is that he's very prescriptive about how people should communicate and prioritizes a certain sort of relating - one that feels very rationalized and stripped of emotion - as the "correct" way to Relationship.

There are things he says that are genius - the part about "bids", and the part about the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse - but this doesn't resonate with me at all.

Sure, taking breaks in a fight lets you communicate so in a less emotional manner... but that feels filtered and less *real* to me. This is actually a point of conflict between Knight and I, as he has a fairly strong preference for this type of communication and I'd rather emotional honesty, even if it's loud. I don't necessarily see *heated* as an intrinsically bad thing, as long as one isn't hitting below the belt and as long as it doesn't happen too often.

Then again, I don't tend to be able to have fights without being pretty upset about it for a day or two, so maybe they're right. ::shrug:: I find the frequency of fights to be a much more important indicator of how things are, rather than the intensity.

(And I got a five or maybe a six on this, depending on how one interprets things - but the questions that I answered false for are ones that I'm not sure I *want* to answer true to, for reasons above.)
 
Fighting is normal but only lasts a few minutes if you do it right.

I don't think fighting is normal. Expressing upset, expressing anger, sure. Being emotionally honest is important. But fighting and aiming all that stuff at your partner's head? What for? Your partner is not the enemy.

If they are, and you don't like them... why are they your partner? :confused:

Does that mean I just have to fight better?

How about just not fight? :confused:

We could do conflict resolution in a way that avoids doing damage in the first place. Then we don't have to be repairing anything later.

Instead of approaching it like a fight (me vs you), you approach conflict resolution as problem solving. (me + you, solving a problem together.) And you can be mad about the thing all you want. But you aren't aiming it at my head.

There's a difference between "This darn lawn mower! I'm so pissed! It's broken again!" and "What did you do with the lawn mower? You broke it again!"

I don't want to go on this side trip conversation about whether or not it was me who broke it. Nobody likes being falsely accused. I don't want to turn it into a (me vs you) fight about who really broke the lawn mower. That is circle conversation that doesn't address the actual issue. Maybe it's just a cheap, flimsy mower!

Isn't the mutual goal to just solve the lawn mowing? Stop trying to fix the mower ourselves and take it in to be serviced? Or go buy a new, better quality one? Or not own one any more and hire a lawn service to do mow?

Move it forward rather than spinning our wheels going nowhere damaging the relationship and growing resentments?

We all argue. We all fight. We generally try to fight above the belt. But what about the aftermath?

That's the thing. I do not fight with my spouse. I don't deal in any "aftermath" because I/we didn't create any.

Are we conflict free? Of course not. But we don't fight about things. We do conflict resolution. And depending on the thing, I choose the style that fits.

Maybe reading about conflict resolution styles could help you?

  • Like if he wants pancakes for brunch? And I don't care so long as there's coffee there? I'll be accommodating and let him pick the place.

  • If it is something important, like buying a house, I'm not going to be accommodating. I would prefer to be collaborating -- and select a home that fits all our needs. Not just his.

  • One time he shoved me behind him and barked "Stay put!" I got annoyed but then I realized there was a drunk, yelling dude just outside the restaurant. Other restaurant patrons were also lingering in the hostess area waiting for this man to go away. Nobody wanted problems. That was a competing conflict resolution style. I wanted to step outside, he wanted me inside and he wanted his way NOW and overrode anything I might want. I was surprised because he is normally not like that but when I got the bigger picture I was no longer annoyed. I could see why he did what he did.

Sometimes processing and problem solving can get loud, and feelings have to be expressed. But I'm not going to aim them at his head. And if I am really hot under the collar, I'm going to ask for a time out to cool off first.

Because we have learned to do effective conflict resolution over the years? There is rarely any emotional fallout or negative emotions. We usually walk away from those conversations feeling good about ourselves, each other, and the solution we came up with to handle whatever conflict there was.

In particular, do you find that good (or bad) habits from one relationship seep into your other relationships or teach you things about your other relationships that you may not have noticed otherwise?

Sure. When you are isolated and alone, or just with one/few person(s), whatever is going on there and how you do things becomes "your normal." You accept it as such and carry on. When you interact with others and find out how they are or how they approach things in life, you might come to reflect on that. Wonder if there's better ways of going, or other ways to solve things than how you've been doing it.

Being with others influence us. That's why it's important to carefully choose the company we keep/don't keep and why parents don't want their kids hanging around with a rough crowd.

Hopefully we choose to be around people that help bring out our best selves. Not our worst.

Do good habits influence you to behave better in your other relationships or does that somehow backfire to dissolve your original relationship?

Sometimes interaction with others cause you to raise your personal standards. You raise the bar. For your behavior. For your expectations in relationships. For what you are willing and not willing to put up with.

If you raise your personal standard for partners? Sometimes the original partner is willing to step it up and start/stop doing the things you request. You stay together, perhaps in a better version of yourselves that works more smoothly than before.

Sometimes raising your personal standard means your original partner no longer make the cut. You make requests, but they don't want to step it up or change. And you don't want to lower your standards. Impasse. It is possible for you to outgrow each other because you each have changed or each want different things now. People are not static.

I don't think that's "back firing." I think that just is what it is.

Galagirl
 
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We are good at taking breaks when we need them.
False

My partner usually accepts my apologies.
True

I can say that I am wrong.
True

When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense.
True

We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things.
True

If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things.
False

When I comment on how we could communicate better, my partner listens to me.
True

Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences.
False

We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing.
False

When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference.
False

I haven't fought with my partner (or anyone else) for many years. On most of the questions I just guessed, I wanted to say "N/A" or "I don't know."

When we did fight, it generally wasn't pretty. My score here is a five.

I think I do carry good and bad habits from one relationship to another. Generally speaking.
 
GalaGirl, thank YOU for bringing up a VERY strong point.

There is NOTHING WRONG with confrontation.

I have have said that I have an ego that's a mile wide & all ass.

:D

(It's a regional thing. :))

IMNSHO, most people seem to live in abject FEAR of confrontation

When Anna & I were together, we had NO shame in hashing thiings out quickly & publicly. Crap that could've happily festered for YEARS with most couples was GONE in mere moments... yet we were "fighting again."

I blame Monogamism. :rolleyes:
 
I'm a big fan of Gottman, BUT...

Thanks for the post!

I'm reading through Gottman's famous 7 principles books, and it was so formative that I added it to my signature below.

That said, I agree with the comment that Gottman is very prescriptive. He makes numerous statements that are heteronormative and beyond the scope of his research. He is very much focused on married heterosexual (exclusive cis straight) partners. Also, some of his discussion relates to the challenge of staying exclusive which is less relevant for our purposes.

If you parse out those parts, though, you get a glimpse into relationship dynamics that is helpful and can be applied to each relationship whether or not you are married. These are skills or behaviours exhibited by couples in all parts of the conflict spectrum and are correlated with spouses not becoming stressed during conflict regardless of the intensity (level of stress was measured by heart rate, perspiration, etc.).

For example, your relationship may be high conflict/emotionally charged or low conflict, and conflicts may be resolvable or not. The intensity of conflict is not as important in your satisfaction as your ability to build friendship, be present, and make repair attempts during fights.

In a way, this is liberating because it does not force you to behave in a specific way, just build skills that fit your relationship and conflict styles.
 
IMNSHO, most people seem to live in abject FEAR of confrontation

It's true that some people have a conflict avoidant style. They want to "keep the peace" and "not make waves." I don't enjoy "sweep it under the rug" or gunnysacking or anything like that. Eventually the junk under rug is so lumpy you cannot get across the living room.

Seems easier to me to just nip it in the bud and get it sorted out rather than stockpile problems.

I blame Monogamism.

I would have looked to family of origin and personality first. That's usually where people learn their ideas about conflict resolution. If it's "bad" or "good" or what is "fighting fair" or if girls are supposed to just defer to others, if you are raised to be a people pleaser, etc.

DH used to have a passive way of going and was conflict avoidant. He grew up in a household where one parent would jump to conclusions, have a cow at people, and further act out at them with silent treatment, flying monkeys, etc.

I grew up with a hot head parent also but I went the other way. I am not impressed by displays of anger as a means to bully me into doing what the parent wants. I went assertive. I pushed back with logic, reason. Which as a girl, was then called "being stubborn" or unsexing myself and "acting like a boy." :rolleyes:

Galagirl
 
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Fighting is normal but only lasts a few minutes if you do it right. The emotional fallout can last hours or days if not handled correctly and this longevity of negative emotions is what I feel we remember on when we're unhappy with our current relationship.

Heated disagreements can happen, even in relationships with healthy communication habits. The "how do we recover from this?" is far less informative than "what expectations are we functioning under that are unrealistic?".

Basically, why exactly are we fighting? In my world this is a sign that I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and need to make an adjustment once we can figure out exactly where the mismatch in expectations vs reality is.

To me, these "how to keep our broken relationship limping along without changing anything" how-tos are just pissing in the wind.
 
Hubby and I almost never actually fight - only when we're both emotionally and physically exhausted by several life factors, and run out of energy to converse responsibly. We both counted 10 Trues on the quiz, but we've been practicing for 11 years and have done an NVC weeklong course together, so we've earned our 10s.

So I'm going with GalaGirl on this one -- maybe what's important is not how you make up after a fight, but whether you learn to sort out disagreements without fighting in the first place.

Hubby: "I think the reason is that we accept eachother as we are and don't try to change the other." (He had trouble clarifying the reason for "what" but I think he means why we don't fight much and why our relationship is so strong).

When we do fight, I'm always over it within an hour. Hubby usually feels shitty for a day or two. I think that's just how we're wired to deal with conflict. I'm a forgiver, he carries grudges, as a rule.

I say look more at what you're fighting about, and figure out how much of that is actually your own shit that you're trying to impose on someone else. And then when you figure out what the "valid" issues are, find a better way to communicate about them, without fighting.

I don't think it's "normal" to fight. Is it common? Yes. So is anxiety. These are not normal things, these are abnormal side effects of not taking proper care of yourself in our busy and troubled world. Learn to meditate, take time out for yourself, do yoga. Whatever. Just make sure that you're always bringing your best self to your relationships. Don't look to your relationships to fill holes in your life. Don't put burdens and expectations on your partners so that you feel compelled to fight about how they're not meeting them.

Change your perspective to "how can I make my partner's life better?" and then there's magically nothing to fight about. I think fights come about because people are dissatisfied with what their partners are doing for them, and that's just the wrong way about.
 
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Hubby and I almost never actually fight - only when we're both emotionally and physically exhausted by several life factors, and run out of energy to converse responsibly. We both counted 10 Trues on the quiz, but we've been practicing for 11 years and have done an NVC weeklong course together, so we've earned our 10s.

So I'm going with GalaGirl on this one -- maybe what's important is not how you make up after a fight, but whether you learn to sort out disagreements without fighting in the first place.

Hubby: "I think the reason is that we accept eachother as we are and don't try to change the other." (He had trouble clarifying the reason for "what" but I think he means why we don't fight much and why our relationship is so strong).

When we do fight, I'm always over it within an hour. Hubby usually feels shitty for a day or two. I think that's just how we're wired to deal with conflict. I'm a forgiver, he carries grudges, as a rule.

I say look more at what you're fighting about, and figure out how much of that is actually your own shit that you're trying to impose on someone else. And then when you figure out what the "valid" issues are, find a better way to communicate about them, without fighting.

I don't think it's "normal" to fight. Is it common? Yes. So is anxiety. These are not normal things, these are abnormal side effects of not taking proper care of yourself in our busy and troubled world. Learn to meditate, take time out for yourself, do yoga. Whatever. Just make sure that you're always bringing your best self to your relationships. Don't look to your relationships to fill holes in your life. Don't put burdens and expectations on your partners so that you feel compelled to fight about how they're not meeting them.

Change your perspective to "how can I make my partner's life better?" and then there's magically nothing to fight about. I think fights come about because people are dissatisfied with what their partners are doing for them, and that's just the wrong way about.

That was beautiful, Schrodinger'sCat, Thank you.
 
At DeepBlue's request I've moved a large chunk of the posts regarding her situation from here to her blog thread. If I've moved one of your posts and you believe it should remain where it was or see one I've missed, please flag it using the "report post" icon
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at the top right and I'll move it to where it belongs.
 
This was in the one that got moved.







As for the topic of the thread I can't think of many fights, arguments, discussions pre poly that I thought would result in damage to the relationship which would then need repair. I was raised in a family that had strong opinions, and loud discussions and everyone was free to disagree and still be loved and respected. After some cooling off and reflection maybe an apology or 2 was needed and then life moves on.

I don't know if I'm slipping hairs here or not.

And with this mindset it should be noted I'm not married anymore too so there is that
 
It is my opinion that fights can't be repaired.

I'm reminded of the story of the angry boy. He was instructed to pound a nail into a fence every time he felt angry, instead of speaking out in anger. At first he was pounding lots of nails into the fence. Gradually he slowed down. It was easier to control his anger than to pound a nail. Finally, he went to his father and said he was done pounding nails.

The father then told him to now pull out a nail each day he was without anger. Eventually all the nails were gone. The father said, "See how much better the fence looks without all those nails? But if you look closely you will see the holes left by the nails. Things said in anger can never be completely taken back. There will always be a scar."

The quiz seems to be scoring how well a couple can sweep things under the rug and ignore their problems.
 
It is my opinion that fights can't be repaired.

I'm reminded of the story of the angry boy. He was instructed to pound a nail into a fence every time he felt angry, instead of speaking out in anger. At first he was pounding lots of nails into the fence. Gradually he slowed down. It was easier to control his anger than to pound a nail. Finally, he went to his father and said he was done pounding nails.

The father then told him to now pull out a nail each day he was without anger. Eventually all the nails were gone. The father said, "See how much better the fence looks without all those nails? But if you look closely you will see the holes left by the nails. Things said in anger can never be completely taken back. There will always be a scar."

The quiz seems to be scoring how well a couple can sweep things under the rug and ignore their problems.

Hey Vince,

I like your analogy of the nails in the fence. Things said in anger often do leave a scar though I would also hope that most scars fade with time. Depends on the depth of the scar I suppose.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say the quiz seems to score how well a couple can sweep things under the rug. I thought it was trying to score the exact opposite of that. Answer False to many of the questions may indicate a 'sweeping-under-the-rug' mentality. Is that what you meant?
 
Hey Vince,

I like your analogy of the nails in the fence. Things said in anger often do leave a scar though I would also hope that most scars fade with time. Depends on the depth of the scar I suppose.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say the quiz seems to score how well a couple can sweep things under the rug. I thought it was trying to score the exact opposite of that. Answer False to many of the questions may indicate a 'sweeping-under-the-rug' mentality. Is that what you meant?

Answering false means you recognize a problem. Answering true means either you don't fight (in which case there is no need to take the quiz) or you are good at sweeping things under the rug. I think the actions are less important that the reason behind them. For instance: Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences.* How do you get past those differences? By ignoring them or working them out? Are you still affectionate because you put those feelings in a box in which the pressure could cause the lid to blow off at any moment? Do you admit you're wrong because your partner never does?

I admit I am not a good quiz taker. Most of them are too superficial.
 
I see what you're saying now Vince. Thanks for the clarification. I think you're right.
 
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