CosmoKitty
New member
Hello everyone, its been a while. I hope y'all are doing well. I feel kind of bad that I only tend to come here when I have problems, sorry about that. I used to have more people to speak about such things with, but now not so much.
I wonder how many other people go through this...
I've struggled with being poly for quite some time now. From a young age I realized we could love more than one person at a time and being bisexual, it made a lot of sense. I also loved being with a couple, for a short time years ago. When I was with my husband for 6 years he knew I might want a gf and was ok with it. I wound up with a long distance bf instead, which wasn't planned. We went through some roughness with that, but ultimately it worked out alright for a few years.
Since I left my husband to find myself and go to college a lot has changed. I found myself in a mono relationship, even though he knew I had the tendency to be poly. He didn't like me being close with my LDR (at this point just friends), which also happened with a second bf. My poor LDR. I've always loved him but have had to distance myself off and on due to my changing circumstances where I'm at. That's another story though.
I've never done well with feeling 'contained'. I always preferred being in relationships that let me do what I wanted (my intentions were always out of love and growth). I encouraged it for my partners as well. If I feel like there's something I want to do, like cuddle someone, and I can't do it I start to feel awful and question everything about myself and my relationship.
Sometimes I feel good about being in a mono relationship, it's less complicated because God knows I have enough stuff to work on in myself and so does my partner. Adding more to the mix just seems like it's too much. But there are times I feel myself going crazy being in a mono relationship.
With my husband it wasn't such a big deal. I encouraged him to try being with another woman, it wasn't for him, he was mono and he was fine with me being poly. It would work that way for my current relationship except we've been through so many weird things... He's not emotionally mature enough to handle multiple women imo and he really just doesn't seem like the poly type- but he's the 'if you get to that means I must find a fuckbuddy' type -which is against my morals and the intention just seems... Not right. More like vengeful, which he's admitted to being when he's mentioned going off with someone before, to make me feel like how he feels when I have talked about being poly.
I don't want to make this too complicated. I've been through a Lot with this partner... The truth of the matter is, I go from wanting a mono relationship to a poly one regularly, my inner lesbian likes to come out sometimes and lately my inner asexual has been coming out. I don't actually feel stable enough to say I'm one thing or the other...ever.
I dislike myself sometimes because of this. It's annoying as hell. I feel like it's too complicated to be poly and there's not enough support for it where I'm at. Sometimes I feel like being mono might be good for me because it forces me to contain myself and not give into sketchy situations (like me being taken advantage of), also a little more stability and security. I just can't handle how insecure he can be and honestly I've found myself very weird since I've been with him like, my jealousy has come back, I don't love people like I used to, and I don't feel good about myself.
I've been doing a bit of self healing lately, with some positive results. We seem to be working through things, maybe I'm not patient enough... I'm just done feeling like crap. The main struggle is, my poly side says to love everyone and give into my desires, that it's the only way to grow (which is very important to me). My other side says it's not right to give into your desires and that my poly side must be tamed down, because feelings change so we shouldn't rely on them to guide us. Does anyone else have this issue? It's like I want to be mono, but I don't know if it's actually possible. Also, it doesn't seem possible to be poly as it is not supported here...
Oy... The complexities of life... I honestly wish I could be single and stay that way, but I'm a person who seriously needs intimate connection with someone. After I went through a break up period with my partner we tried just being intimate friends, but it really complicated things. I can't see anyone being ok with me in all my entirety. I have a new friend who claims to have been that open with all of his exes, he seems to be like I was when I felt good about who I was in the whole poly thing, but I'm having a hard time trusting it. I haven't seen anyone successfully having such relationships to be convinced and feel safe to venture on another path than I'm currently on.
Are relationships supposed to be so complicated? I feel like they shouldn't be, but everyone brings their own crap to the table and then it messes with your crap and it's like what am I supposed to do with all this crap? Lol.
Thoughts? Thanks in advanced, I tried to keep it as simple as I could but really nothing about my life seems simple - I'm trying to simplify... Anyway...
Lots of love and thanks for any replies.
I wonder how many other people go through this...
I've struggled with being poly for quite some time now. From a young age I realized we could love more than one person at a time and being bisexual, it made a lot of sense. I also loved being with a couple, for a short time years ago. When I was with my husband for 6 years he knew I might want a gf and was ok with it. I wound up with a long distance bf instead, which wasn't planned. We went through some roughness with that, but ultimately it worked out alright for a few years.
Since I left my husband to find myself and go to college a lot has changed. I found myself in a mono relationship, even though he knew I had the tendency to be poly. He didn't like me being close with my LDR (at this point just friends), which also happened with a second bf. My poor LDR. I've always loved him but have had to distance myself off and on due to my changing circumstances where I'm at. That's another story though.
I've never done well with feeling 'contained'. I always preferred being in relationships that let me do what I wanted (my intentions were always out of love and growth). I encouraged it for my partners as well. If I feel like there's something I want to do, like cuddle someone, and I can't do it I start to feel awful and question everything about myself and my relationship.
Sometimes I feel good about being in a mono relationship, it's less complicated because God knows I have enough stuff to work on in myself and so does my partner. Adding more to the mix just seems like it's too much. But there are times I feel myself going crazy being in a mono relationship.
With my husband it wasn't such a big deal. I encouraged him to try being with another woman, it wasn't for him, he was mono and he was fine with me being poly. It would work that way for my current relationship except we've been through so many weird things... He's not emotionally mature enough to handle multiple women imo and he really just doesn't seem like the poly type- but he's the 'if you get to that means I must find a fuckbuddy' type -which is against my morals and the intention just seems... Not right. More like vengeful, which he's admitted to being when he's mentioned going off with someone before, to make me feel like how he feels when I have talked about being poly.
I don't want to make this too complicated. I've been through a Lot with this partner... The truth of the matter is, I go from wanting a mono relationship to a poly one regularly, my inner lesbian likes to come out sometimes and lately my inner asexual has been coming out. I don't actually feel stable enough to say I'm one thing or the other...ever.
I dislike myself sometimes because of this. It's annoying as hell. I feel like it's too complicated to be poly and there's not enough support for it where I'm at. Sometimes I feel like being mono might be good for me because it forces me to contain myself and not give into sketchy situations (like me being taken advantage of), also a little more stability and security. I just can't handle how insecure he can be and honestly I've found myself very weird since I've been with him like, my jealousy has come back, I don't love people like I used to, and I don't feel good about myself.
I've been doing a bit of self healing lately, with some positive results. We seem to be working through things, maybe I'm not patient enough... I'm just done feeling like crap. The main struggle is, my poly side says to love everyone and give into my desires, that it's the only way to grow (which is very important to me). My other side says it's not right to give into your desires and that my poly side must be tamed down, because feelings change so we shouldn't rely on them to guide us. Does anyone else have this issue? It's like I want to be mono, but I don't know if it's actually possible. Also, it doesn't seem possible to be poly as it is not supported here...
Oy... The complexities of life... I honestly wish I could be single and stay that way, but I'm a person who seriously needs intimate connection with someone. After I went through a break up period with my partner we tried just being intimate friends, but it really complicated things. I can't see anyone being ok with me in all my entirety. I have a new friend who claims to have been that open with all of his exes, he seems to be like I was when I felt good about who I was in the whole poly thing, but I'm having a hard time trusting it. I haven't seen anyone successfully having such relationships to be convinced and feel safe to venture on another path than I'm currently on.
Are relationships supposed to be so complicated? I feel like they shouldn't be, but everyone brings their own crap to the table and then it messes with your crap and it's like what am I supposed to do with all this crap? Lol.
Thoughts? Thanks in advanced, I tried to keep it as simple as I could but really nothing about my life seems simple - I'm trying to simplify... Anyway...
Lots of love and thanks for any replies.