Poly confusion

CosmoKitty

New member
Hello everyone, its been a while. I hope y'all are doing well. I feel kind of bad that I only tend to come here when I have problems, sorry about that. I used to have more people to speak about such things with, but now not so much.

I wonder how many other people go through this...

I've struggled with being poly for quite some time now. From a young age I realized we could love more than one person at a time and being bisexual, it made a lot of sense. I also loved being with a couple, for a short time years ago. When I was with my husband for 6 years he knew I might want a gf and was ok with it. I wound up with a long distance bf instead, which wasn't planned. We went through some roughness with that, but ultimately it worked out alright for a few years.

Since I left my husband to find myself and go to college a lot has changed. I found myself in a mono relationship, even though he knew I had the tendency to be poly. He didn't like me being close with my LDR (at this point just friends), which also happened with a second bf. My poor LDR. I've always loved him but have had to distance myself off and on due to my changing circumstances where I'm at. That's another story though.

I've never done well with feeling 'contained'. I always preferred being in relationships that let me do what I wanted (my intentions were always out of love and growth). I encouraged it for my partners as well. If I feel like there's something I want to do, like cuddle someone, and I can't do it I start to feel awful and question everything about myself and my relationship.

Sometimes I feel good about being in a mono relationship, it's less complicated because God knows I have enough stuff to work on in myself and so does my partner. Adding more to the mix just seems like it's too much. But there are times I feel myself going crazy being in a mono relationship.

With my husband it wasn't such a big deal. I encouraged him to try being with another woman, it wasn't for him, he was mono and he was fine with me being poly. It would work that way for my current relationship except we've been through so many weird things... He's not emotionally mature enough to handle multiple women imo and he really just doesn't seem like the poly type- but he's the 'if you get to that means I must find a fuckbuddy' type -which is against my morals and the intention just seems... Not right. More like vengeful, which he's admitted to being when he's mentioned going off with someone before, to make me feel like how he feels when I have talked about being poly.

I don't want to make this too complicated. I've been through a Lot with this partner... The truth of the matter is, I go from wanting a mono relationship to a poly one regularly, my inner lesbian likes to come out sometimes and lately my inner asexual has been coming out. I don't actually feel stable enough to say I'm one thing or the other...ever.

I dislike myself sometimes because of this. It's annoying as hell. I feel like it's too complicated to be poly and there's not enough support for it where I'm at. Sometimes I feel like being mono might be good for me because it forces me to contain myself and not give into sketchy situations (like me being taken advantage of), also a little more stability and security. I just can't handle how insecure he can be and honestly I've found myself very weird since I've been with him like, my jealousy has come back, I don't love people like I used to, and I don't feel good about myself.

I've been doing a bit of self healing lately, with some positive results. We seem to be working through things, maybe I'm not patient enough... I'm just done feeling like crap. The main struggle is, my poly side says to love everyone and give into my desires, that it's the only way to grow (which is very important to me). My other side says it's not right to give into your desires and that my poly side must be tamed down, because feelings change so we shouldn't rely on them to guide us. Does anyone else have this issue? It's like I want to be mono, but I don't know if it's actually possible. Also, it doesn't seem possible to be poly as it is not supported here...

Oy... The complexities of life... I honestly wish I could be single and stay that way, but I'm a person who seriously needs intimate connection with someone. After I went through a break up period with my partner we tried just being intimate friends, but it really complicated things. I can't see anyone being ok with me in all my entirety. I have a new friend who claims to have been that open with all of his exes, he seems to be like I was when I felt good about who I was in the whole poly thing, but I'm having a hard time trusting it. I haven't seen anyone successfully having such relationships to be convinced and feel safe to venture on another path than I'm currently on.

Are relationships supposed to be so complicated? I feel like they shouldn't be, but everyone brings their own crap to the table and then it messes with your crap and it's like what am I supposed to do with all this crap? Lol.

Thoughts? Thanks in advanced, I tried to keep it as simple as I could but really nothing about my life seems simple - I'm trying to simplify... Anyway...

Lots of love and thanks for any replies.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling.

If the goal is to simplify? Maybe THIS partner isn't the one to be going steady with. You don't sound stable and secure there:

  • I've never done well with feeling 'contained'.
  • He didn't like me being close with my LDR (at this point just friends), which also happened with a second bf.
  • He's not emotionally mature enough to handle multiple women imo
  • he really just doesn't seem like the poly type
  • he's the 'if you get to that means I must find a fuckbuddy' type -which is against my morals and the intention just seems... Not right.
  • More like vengeful, which he's admitted to being when he's mentioned going off with someone before, to make me feel like how he feels when I have talked about being poly.
  • I just can't handle how insecure he can be
  • honestly I've found myself very weird since I've been with him like, my jealousy has come back, I don't love people like I used to, and I don't feel good about myself.
  • I'm just done feeling like crap

You sound like you know he's not all that healthy to be with, esp since you already broke up once before.

Right now, where you live while doing school doesn't leave a lot of space or support for doing lots of poly relationships. So you cannot have poly to the extent you would like.

And the mono relationship you are in feels "containing" or stifling and not really all that compatible.

In your shoes? I'd let it go and be on my own. Heal for a while. Then when feeling better? See what can develop here:

I have a new friend who claims to have been that open with all of his exes, he seems to be like I was when I felt good about who I was in the whole poly thing.

Maybe what would suit you best is to date one poly person. You get the stability of one partner for now while in school, but the understanding of your poly-ness that you are not getting presently. But don't rush into dating him and don't promise anything either. Take it slow.

You may prefer to spend some time on your own creating your OWN stability/security first. So if it doesn't pan out with the new friend? You are more confident about walking away.

my poly side says to love everyone and give into my desires, that it's the only way to grow (which is very important to me). My other side says it's not right to give into your desires and that my poly side must be tamed down, because feelings change so we shouldn't rely on them to guide us.

It cannot be something more "middle path"? :confused:

Like... "My poly side says to love people and give in to my reasonable and rational desires. (So I'm not sucked into sketchy situations if I go off with just anyone). And this new way of going satisfies my "be careful" side. Because my poly side isn't running around untamed and unthinking doing unreasonable or irrational stuff. Then it is both sides of me working TOGETHER instead of against each other."

That would be growth, right?

Galagirl
 
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Hi CosmoKitty,

It sounds like you need a partner who could be really solid for you, like he could be your rock. You need someone who will be supportive to you both in your mono times and in your poly times. You just need some (freedom and) stability. It doesn't seem like you are getting that from your current partner, he is rather back and forth and lacking in good morals. I think I would recommend breaking up with him. Then, look around for someone you can feel really secure with, so that you won't have so much confusion about whether to be poly or mono, maybe you can be both at times? Like you can have one partner, but still hold out for a second partner (or couple) as a possibility. And your new partner would be okay with that. You won't find that overnight, but it's something to look for.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your responses! It really is quite a mess isn't it? ^.^Vv

I have had a tendency to people please I think my whole life, but it really got out of hand after I found myself in an abusive relationship coming out of high school. I used to be completely myself and have my moments of feeling sad for not feeling like I could connect with others, but I still was strong about who I was. After that relationship, I think I just went into self-preservation mode. I also tend to see the goodness/possibility in people and cling to that and ignore the negative signs - at least that's what my LDR had told me. I don't ignore the negative things, I just get confused when things are good and due to my lack of trust in myself I draw back and have often shut myself down rather than make a decision. I find myself able to put up with a lot - it just eventually gets to a point where I can barely stand it and then I really do start taking a more firm stance.

I'm about to leave school and am supposed to be moving in with him and I don't feel ready. The truth of the matter is, I'm very limited in what I can do where I'm at in regards to jobs and places to live. I guess he's become a bit of a safety net. My future is uncertain and I've run out of time to think on where it is I want to be.

I'm in the, don't be afraid to ask for what you want phase. I'm learning that there are needs I have that aren't being met and if they continue to not be met I'm going to want to seek them elsewhere.

I'm also stepping into the realm of learning to love and accept myself again. When I look at what I've experienced with polyamory, there are certainly aspects of it that I loved. I'm the unicorn type. I Love being with couples. My first experience with a couple was amazing and fleeting. My second time was a bit rougher since his wife didn't want to know anything about who he was with, and being friends with them all I loved the idea of taking it further and being included in their family. I was forced to leave, negative experience, I hurt my ex-LDR with my going back and forth, negative, then this business with my current partner negative. So I think what started as a beautiful thing for me that was innocent and about love and growth has now become tainted with negative experiences that make it hard to keep pursuing...

Really, I need to write a list of what I expect from a relationship I guess. If he isn't willing to give me what I need then he should be open to me finding them elsewhere or leaving right? I'm so used to sacrificing my needs for others - which is probably why I've struggled with depression the last several years. I'm afraid to fuck up though. I can't stand hurting people and I don't want to make the wrong decision. Because I can go back and forth on what I want it makes things very confusing for me and for anyone I'm involved with. I'm afraid of being selfish...is it too selfish to ask that all your needs be met?

My ex-LDR told me that healthy relationships will not put down what makes the other happy, that they would encourage you to do what makes you happy even if they don't care for it themselves. He also said that a big problem with Western culture is that we are taught we must sacrifice things that make us happy and to make a relationship work at all costs. I feel like I waver between the two. What do you guys think about that?
 
Really, I need to write a list of what I expect from a relationship I guess.
Could be helpful.

If he isn't willing to give me what I need then he should be open to me finding them elsewhere or leaving right?

Not really. He doesn't have to be ok with it. YOU do. Like if he isn't willing to give you what you need, then YOU could be open to you finding it elsewhere and leaving him.

I'm so used to sacrificing my needs for others - which is probably why I've struggled with depression the last several years. I'm afraid to fuck up though. I can't stand hurting people and I don't want to make the wrong decision. Because I can go back and forth on what I want it makes things very confusing for me and for anyone I'm involved with. I'm afraid of being selfish...is it too selfish to ask that all your needs be met?

Stop going back and forth and be firmer.

Selfish is "memememe." All about me and screw everyone else. I don't consider other people's needs.

Selfless is "themthemthem." All about them and screw myself. I don't consider my own needs.

The balanced place in the middle is "self full." I meet my own needs first so I don't burn out or run out of gas. Then I can gift my help to others in meeting their reasonable and rational needs. I consider my own needs first, then other people's in a balanced way. Not in a selfish way, but in a SELF CARE way.


My ex-LDR told me that healthy relationships will not put down what makes the other happy, that they would encourage you to do what makes you happy even if they don't care for it themselves. He also said that a big problem with Western culture is that we are taught we must sacrifice things that make us happy and to make a relationship work at all costs.

I think you could listen to your ex.

I feel like I waver between the two. What do you guys think about that?

I think you could stop wavering and make a firm decision to put your own self care FIRST. Everyone could do that. Then everyone is seen to by at least one person -- their own self. Just like in a plane where you would put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

Self care is not selfish or optional. It it NECESSARY.

Galagirl
 
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