1st date; When is the right time to reveal your open relationship with a new lover?

Ooops. Should I have told him before the sex? If it was important why didn't he ask? ....And how do you handle a rejection based solely on that when all other factors are good?

Yes, you should have told him before going out with him at all. He didn't ask because there is a (fairly reasonable) assumption that people in relationships are not out looking for dates.

A rejection based 'solely' on you being in a relationship already? This wording rather dismisses the importance of this fact. It's a MAJOR issue, given that most people want a relationship, not to be one of a harem, so to speak.

Or are you saying how to handle rejection based 'solely' on the fact that you withheld pertinent information? I'd also say withholding a major fact about what you really have to offer is not a 'solely' sort of thing. To use the word 'solely' in this context is to say it's not that big a deal, and he's begin petty.

In fact, you being in a relationship and unavailable for the type of future most people are looking for, and you withholding that major fact (ie, lying by omission) are both MAJOR issues.

I'd reject someone too based on those two things. Maybe how you should handle this rejection is to learn from it, grow from it, and resolve never again to mislead someone by leaving out pertinent information. Vital information.



If he didn't ask beforehand, yet got all bent out of shape when he did ask the next morning, I'd say, "What difference does it make now? You got what you wanted, didn't you? " I can't stand people throwing any holier-than-thou bullshit on me.

Doesn't this statement assume that all he wanted was a one night stand? Why is this holier than thou? Maybe it only occurred to him afterward that it was a possibility.
 
Doesn't this statement assume that all he wanted was a one night stand? Why is this holier than thou? Maybe it only occurred to him afterward that it was a possibility.

To me, it's simply a way to try and deflect the fact that one has behaved less than ethically. It's a poor attempt though. Unless you want to the person collapse in laughter at your chutzpah, I suppose.
 
From the get go they know I have other partners. Im not going to waste anyone's time if being with a non monogamous person isn't their cup of tea. When I was on a dating site it mentioned that at the very beginning
 
Hi All,
Thank you all for your replies. So many strongly held views. I guess that I've been poly for so long (7years), and it has all gone so smoothly, that I have lost touch with the monogamous point of view.

I did once disclose my relationship status at the very first sign of interest from someone I thought I might want to get to know. His response was so creepy and gross that I decided not to do that again! He instantly assumed that I had a dozen lovers (I have 2, max) and was always looking to add to my collection. He had a sleazy sneer on his face every time I saw him after that. Ick. Those of you who put it out there at the beginning, have you run into this attitude?

nycindie "I always felt like it is arrogant to advise someone of your relationship status before an attraction is established; it's like saying, "I know you want me, so here's the deal."'
- Yes! My thoughts too. I'm a little shy by nature and would feel really weird bringing it up before I was sure of his intentions. (and with Rick, I wasn't sure until the first kiss. For me this was a very unusual situation.)

Something that I left out of my first post. In the first 5 minutes of our date Rick told me that he was moving away in 2 months. I though that was a pretty clear indication that this was a casual thing, not the beginning of long term monogamy on his part. So, safe to assume that he was wanting sex (no?). This is why I was feeling rejected based solely on the fact that I have a primary relationship when all else felt like it clicked.

I'm over the feeling rejected thing. To each his own, right? I'm still not clear on the "when is the right time to disclose" question. Too soon feels awkward and presumptuous and could be sending the "I'll sleep with anyone" message to the wrong audience. Too late and I can be accused of being dishonest and hiding something important.
 
Maybe there are no clear answers or, at least, no answers that everyone can agree with? I still think disclosing before anything sexual happens is a good idea. But obviously, not everyone agrees with me. So, what can you do, you have to decide for yourself what's best.

Sometimes people do have a bad attitude about poly (and other responsible nonmonogamy) when they hear about it. I doubt there's any surefire way to always prevent that. You just tell people the truth, and give them a chance to open their mind to what you're saying if they will.
 
Doesn't this statement assume that all he wanted was a one night stand? Why is this holier than thou? Maybe it only occurred to him afterward that it was a possibility.
As I see it, if someone fucks a date right away - before spending time getting to know that person, then it is indeed a holier-than-thou attitude to get upset/judgemental/mad afterward about not getting information they deemed important. If it was so damned important, then hold off on the fucking and ask the questions you want answered - but don't act all offended, aghast, used, or superior and not acknowledge that you made the choice to jump in bed and get naked with that person regardless of what information they shared or didn't share with you. After all, it was okay not to know as long as there was something (sex) to be gained, but not okay... why? Arrogant.
 
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Hi All,
Thank you all for your replies. So many strongly held views. I guess that I've been poly for so long (7years), and it has all gone so smoothly, that I have lost touch with the monogamous point of view.

I did once disclose my relationship status at the very first sign of interest from someone I thought I might want to get to know. His response was so creepy and gross that I decided not to do that again! He instantly assumed that I had a dozen lovers (I have 2, max) and was always looking to add to my collection. He had a sleazy sneer on his face every time I saw him after that. Ick. Those of you who put it out there at the beginning, have you run into this attitude?

- Yes! My thoughts too. I'm a little shy by nature and would feel really weird bringing it up before I was sure of his intentions. (and with Rick, I wasn't sure until the first kiss. For me this was a very unusual situation.)

Something that I left out of my first post. In the first 5 minutes of our date Rick told me that he was moving away in 2 months. I though that was a pretty clear indication that this was a casual thing, not the beginning of long term monogamy on his part. So, safe to assume that he was wanting sex (no?). This is why I was feeling rejected based solely on the fact that I have a primary relationship when all else felt like it clicked.

I'm over the feeling rejected thing. To each his own, right? I'm still not clear on the "when is the right time to disclose" question. Too soon feels awkward and presumptuous and could be sending the "I'll sleep with anyone" message to the wrong audience. Too late and I can be accused of being dishonest and hiding something important.
You once had an uncomfortable reaction in the past so therefore it is ok to withhold info in the future? I don't even see the logic of this one. It is to my mind much better to know from early on if your date is a creep. Not to mention that it is fair to let the nicer people make an informed decition on how they prefer to date.

It is not safe to assume that people who move are only looking for casual sex. People can meet in all situations and the feelings involved make it serious or not, if there are strong feelings it doesn't matter if there is a distance. I met my now boyfriend at a holiday resort where casual relationships is the norm and I live 2600 miles away yet now we have dated seriously 2 years.
 
Hi All,
Thank you all for your replies. So many strongly held views. I guess that I've been poly for so long (7years), and it has all gone so smoothly, that I have lost touch with the monogamous point of view.

I did once disclose my relationship status at the very first sign of interest from someone I thought I might want to get to know. His response was so creepy and gross that I decided not to do that again! He instantly assumed that I had a dozen lovers (I have 2, max) and was always looking to add to my collection. He had a sleazy sneer on his face every time I saw him after that. Ick. Those of you who put it out there at the beginning, have you run into this attitude?

- Yes! My thoughts too. I'm a little shy by nature and would feel really weird bringing it up before I was sure of his intentions. (and with Rick, I wasn't sure until the first kiss. For me this was a very unusual situation.)

Something that I left out of my first post. In the first 5 minutes of our date Rick told me that he was moving away in 2 months. I though that was a pretty clear indication that this was a casual thing, not the beginning of long term monogamy on his part. So, safe to assume that he was wanting sex (no?). This is why I was feeling rejected based solely on the fact that I have a primary relationship when all else felt like it clicked.

I'm over the feeling rejected thing. To each his own, right? I'm still not clear on the "when is the right time to disclose" question. Too soon feels awkward and presumptuous and could be sending the "I'll sleep with anyone" message to the wrong audience. Too late and I can be accused of being dishonest and hiding something important.

When I meet someone new, even if there is zero chance of any romantic or sexual interaction, I'd probably end up speaking about my relationship style. It's part of small talk. Maybe not every time, but a lot of the time. I recently took a train journey and ended up talking to a woman who was sat near me. I know that she is recently separated and she knows I have two long term partners at the moment. She's completely heterosexual so it's not because I was hoping to date her. It is conversation.

I have had some idiots who think polyamory is a free for all. That happens. It hasn't put me off from disclosing that I'm poly, it just means that I have a more sensitive detector for idiots and I do all I can to avoid them.

I'll say again that we live in a society where monogamy is the default. If you're openly looking for sexual and romantic liaisons, people will assume that you're single. The only reason I can think of a person wanting to withhold information about their preferance for non monogamy is to lessen their chances of rejection and that's simply not an ethical way to behave.
 
I did once disclose my relationship status at the very first sign of interest from someone I thought I might want to get to know. His response was so creepy and gross that I decided not to do that again! He instantly assumed that I had a dozen lovers (I have 2, max) and was always looking to add to my collection. He had a sleazy sneer on his face every time I saw him after that. Ick. Those of you who put it out there at the beginning, have you run into this attitude?

- Yes! My thoughts too. I'm a little shy by nature and would feel really weird bringing it up before I was sure of his intentions. (and with Rick, I wasn't sure until the first kiss. For me this was a very unusual situation.)

Yes! I have this issue that you and NYCindie are talking about! It would feel strange to talk about how much I might be willing to commit before I had a real sense of how much we really liked each other. Maybe some people know all that before the first date or sex, but I almost never do. �� Normally I jump into bed pretty quickly. lol But right now I have this strange involvement w a guy who I've known for a year and haven't slept with or had a real date with even. We have actually talked about my relationship preferences but not in relation to the idea of being with each other, just because we've gotten to know each other. But I think it would be completely presumptuous of me to say something along the lines of "just thought you should know I'm not available for a monogamous relationship."

I do think that, at least in my view, things are a little different for a solo poly person than for someone who is in a marriage or marriage-like relationship. There may be more of a duty to disclose in the latter situation. Omitting there does seem more like lying. For me, being in or starting a relationship w a person who's got a relationship they consider primary is a very different animal than starting one w someone who's just dating or is having loving, sexual, or romantic relationships but has no primary. I need to know that, so I ask! I do kinda think you should tell, but I don't think its all on you. It's a hard thing to figure out and the answer may be a little different in each relationship.

As for the creepy reaction you got... I think I err on the side of over-sharing, if anything, and I am pretty much having a free-for-all and I e never gotten a reaction like that. I think some men find it intriguing and some feel immediate horror, but most often they say it's refreshing to have someone tell them what they want rather than playing games.
 
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Yes! I have this issue that you and NYCindie are talking about! It would feel strange to talk about how much I might be willing to commit before I had a real sense of how much we really liked each other. Maybe some people know all that before the first date or sex, but I almost never do. �� Normally I jump into bed pretty quickly. lol But right now I have this strange involvement w a guy who I've known for a year and haven't slept with or had a real date with even. We have actually talked about my relationship preferences but not in relation to the idea of being with each other, just because we've gotten to know each other. But I think it would be completely presumptuous of me to say something along the lines of "just thought you should know I'm not available for a monogamous relationship."

I do think that, at least in my view, things are a little different for a solo poly person than for someone who is in a marriage or marriage-like relationship. There may be more of a duty to disclose in the latter situation. Omitting there does seem more like lying. For me, being in or starting a relationship w a person who's got a relationship they consider primary is a very different animal than starting one w someone who's just dating or is having loving, sexual, or romantic relationships but has no primary. I need to know that, so I ask! I do kinda think you should tell, but I don't think its all on you. It's a hard thing to figure out and the answer may be a little different in each relationship.

As for the creepy reaction you got... I think I err on the side of over-sharing, if anything, and I am pretty much having a free-for-all and I e never gotten a reaction like that. I think some men find it intriguing and some feel immediate horror, but most often they say it's refreshing to have someone tell them what they want rather than playing games.

I wouldn't necessarily tell someone that I had recently met that I wasn't available for monogamy with them, but I would share my general relationship preferences.
 
I did once disclose my relationship status at the very first sign of interest from someone I thought I might want to get to know. His response was so creepy and gross that I decided not to do that again! He instantly assumed that I had a dozen lovers (I have 2, max) and was always looking to add to my collection. He had a sleazy sneer on his face every time I saw him after that. Ick. Those of you who put it out there at the beginning, have you run into this attitude?

My physical surroundings (AKA neighborhoods) are as cookie cutter as they come, but I live in the world of my own mind and in my world, nobody shames me for having lovers. Anybody who knows me for even a little while knows my personal situation. I do not make efforts to hide it. So what if someone thinks I have had dozens of lovers? I have! Creepy and gross judgements don't enter my world because, well, they just don't. I don't invite that kind of thing because I have worked long and hard on letting go of what the world thinks of me. The gossipy moms in the neighborhood all love and admire me (in my world, anyway!) and the dads all adore me from afar. That's the world I choose to live in and if someone is judging my volume of suitors or lusting after me because of it, then they're free to do so, but whatever they're thinking has nothing to do with me. People can never make you feel bad about yourself unless you invite them to do so by sharing in their judgement of yourself. When you have confidence and absolute assurance of who you are, those looks and thought bubbles can't get anywhere near you.
 
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