Update
Hello,
I thought I would continue with my story. Sorry if this gets a little more bloggish
I spent quite some time reading other threads in here and two or three really took me by heart, so I like this forum, and it clears my head writing things down.
So I have been quite happy with my decision to renew the relationship for a month or so. Also I got the rest of what I should be doing somehow running for the moment (a part-time job on data processing, and my father volunteered to supervise my thesis and gets really excited studying the physics, he is really cute and it keeps me motivated
), so I felt fine. I also started to attend tantra meetings, because I find it interresting and I want to shine some more light on my insecurities concerning intimacy. My partner joined after the first one, which I enjoy (but I am kind of proud that I found that particular group suiting me with no concern whether he will be interrested or not).
I avoided my metamour and their home, actually I am still pretty jealous and angry with her. Letting aside territoriality and some communication issues, my biggest fear in meeting her seems to be that she disturbs our intimacy with my partner - there was a very very inconvinient situation of this type prior to the not-to-be-complete breakup, and my fight or flight reflex still seems to go on if I even briefly think about it (any suggestion on that?). But we met for one weekend in the common friends circle, and that was fine.
With my partner we have been meeting about twice a week, visiting tantra and the local bdsm club. (He is hesitant to come to my place since my parents don't agree to the relationship.) Of course we miss each other, so we usually at least talk on the phone to stay in daily contact. So I got space for more regularity in my life, which is good for me, and I also got more assertive with him, which is kind of double-edged, maybe good for me but hard to swallow for him so it breeds conflict and pain (e.g. my change of view that I can be submissive to him in a scene, but I don't consider myself being "his"). It all seemed to work for me for a few weeks, but of course as time passes the missing elements to our relationship are becoming more important, for both of us (the daily contact, the future plans). He seems to really miss how I used spending nights at his place, and I really miss it too, but it always had the stress of breaking my habits and usually not sleeping long enough, and with the additional strain of my jealousy this is not really an option.
I had been pretty depressed this week, but this time I am quite sure it is (or at least initially wasn't) due to relationship insecurities, maybe "just" my natural cycle (I do get mood swings for no reason), or the exhaustion of hard intellectual work. But of course then I am unable to just enjoy the moment and it causes some of the unresolved things to come out. So we talked, and he kind of mirrored back on me that it is still my work to figure out what I want from the relationship (I know that... anyway... shit!), that he cannot grasp how close I want to be now etc. I said I wanted/needed someone to build a "pretty normal" shared life with and I thought it was not possible with him (even if it wasn't for the metamour), and he pretty spot on called my perceived conflict and left me with the question "Okay, how can you want me and an ordinary life at the same time?".
Sure there will be a majority of those who comment telling me I should leave him and find someone monogamous, that I have been looking for a solution long enough. Please do, or don't, I just feel like I would be left with the same insecurities without him anyway and no one to hug me.