Is Poly still right for me?

Recently there have been some major changes in my life.

Over the past month me and my girlfriend have broken up. I do ultimately believe that it was for the best but it's still a but painful as the loss of that relationship is fresh. We had been together for about a year and a half.

I am still with my boyfriend, together a bit over a year and a half, and over the past month I have been able to spend more of my time with him.

In the past he has had other relationships. however 8 months ago both of his other partnerships ended. So this is the first time either of us is only dating the other.

And I'm finding that I really like it. I like having so much time with each other. I like the future of being together being less complicated. I like feeling like I have time for myself without detracting from my partners. I like feeling more free and less contained by tying to mange multiple people's feelings and schedules. I like feeling like I can do things of a more serious nature without having to worry about another's feelings. These things were all things that came up in both my relationships with others but also in his. And right now I'm enjoying not having to deal with any of it.

He has expressed enjoyment of the more time together but I'm not sure how he feels about all of it.

At the same time my enjoyment of this more monogamous situation scares me a bit. I don't like monogamy but I would be open to something closer to it than the relationship anarchy I have previously practiced. How can I know if that is something I would want long term? Am I just feeling crazy from breakups?

The thought that poly might not be what I want anymore seems weird to me and I'm not sure how to figure it out. Cause I feel like that might not be the whole story.

I don't know what to do. Or what questions to ask myself to figure it out.
 
Why the need to definitively decide? I've flipped and flopped over whether poly is an identity or a forever choice - and what I keep coming back to is the idea that it works for now. In the next few years Nina and I would like kids. Neither of us anticipates being able to do that and actively date others, and that's ok. We all have our personal limits and levels of saturation. I figure when that happens to us we will still be open (conceptually) but just not looking. I would always want to leave the door open a crack in case she or I met someone utterly game changing, but I think there's a huge difference between dating like we both do right now (actively, with our online dating profiles up, and pursuing people we meet that we are crushing on) and just not putting that energy into looking for other relationships. If you and your boyfriend are both feeling content to just put energy into what you have together, then why does anything need to change? Can you not just be open but not currently looking?
 
I don't know what to do. Or what questions to ask myself to figure it out.
I also don't hold myself to lifestyle allegiances and instead make choices according to what feels right for each relationship at the time. In my experience, unless you're planning to have children, you don't have to figure out your future and even then, figuring it out is really just an illusion. Things can and always do change, even with papers, certificates, licenses and promises. That's life. How do you feel today, right now? If you're enjoying one on one with your boyfriend today, then that's all you need to know. Today is what's important and today is where your happiness lies. Don't take on "The Future" because that will trip you up every time. How do you feel today? A lifetime of happiness is not something you can set yourself up for but is instead what you look back on when you've focused on the joy of many todays.




I don't like monogamy but I would be open to something closer to it than the relationship anarchy I have previously practiced.
Relationship anarchy is about being free to choose anew, every day, without interpersonal or social expectations. A relationship anarchist certainly can choose monogamy. You don't have to be juggling multiple partners constantly just because you have the freedom to do so.
 
Last edited:
Some people declare themselves polyamorous and effectively become "collectors," going around looking all the time for a new someone just to prove they're poly. You don't want to be like that, unable to relax and be with what is in your life right now. It's perfectly fine to enjoy all the aspects of de facto monogamy that you mentioned.

Don't worry about what it means, because things only mean what we say they mean. Don't worry about labels, because labels don't tell the whole story.

Just be present with your boyfriend and in your life, not living in your head, and you will have the clarity to respond appropriately to what and who shows up.

If having only one partner makes you happy, that's great. If someone you meet interests you enough to want to pursue something, you'll know it. And if either of you wants to pursue something with someone else, surely you'll both discuss it and would move forward with compassion and empathy. And, if that's the case, perhaps you'll pursue people with whom poly would be a little easier and not as melodramatic as it sounds like it was.
 
Last edited:
I think you could relax.

It sounds totally normal after a heavy break up want to hole up and want nothing too stimulating as you heal. Feeling cozy with the BF sounds fine.

Because the reality of having multiple partners is just that -- more variables to manage, more schedules to deal with, more intensity, etc.

You can enjoy having a break from it without worrying about an existential or identity crisis. It doesn't have to "mean" anything other than "you just broke up and are enjoying some down time."

At the same time my enjoyment of this more monogamous situation scares me a bit. I don't like monogamy but I would be open to something closer to it than the relationship anarchy I have previously practiced.

So you have discovered that you do not like "relationship anarchy" style as you were practicing it before. Fair enough.

When you are rested and ready to date others, consider other Open models. Figure out which ones you are up for and which ones you are not. Maybe even relationship anarchy -- just not like it was practiced before. Could be you are up for certain models, but only with certain players. You are not up for it with just anybody. YKWIM?

You are a young adult in your 20's still figuring out your preferences. Be ok with that. You don't have to have anything "set in stone."

The thought that poly might not be what I want anymore seems weird to me and I'm not sure how to figure it out. Cause I feel like that might not be the whole story.

I could be wrong in my impression... but it almost sounds like you are panicking or worrying from jumping to conclusions. Maybe you are viewing it as a line -- mono on one side. Relationship anarchy style poly on the other. And if you aren't doing one, it must mean you lie in the other camp. If so? That's kind of black and white thinking. And it seems to be upsetting you at a time when you are trying to heal from break up stuff. Why ADD to your load rather than TAKE AWAY? :(

Not wanting "relationship anarchy like before" is simply not wanting "relationship anarchy like before."

Remind yourself there are other ways to practice Open relationships. Could be other ways to practice relationship anarchy than before. And remind yourself that if you DO choose to date one at a time, that's ok too. You are allowed to choose what feels best to you at this time.

People choose what they want to be doing for themselves and there's a whole bunch of ways to relate to others.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W7EdxkmU4...IH7TFNsWU/s1600/940_intimate_relationship.png

and

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif

and

http://www.harmoniousembodiment.com/uploads/3/5/1/9/3519376/6015450_orig.jpg

are some visuals created by various artists to show how they see things. Or you could draw up your own for how YOU see things. Articulating to yourself the ways you ARE up for at this time on one paper. Then the ways you are NOT interested in or up for at this time on another paper.

Get to know your own self more. Be ok that what you like and are up for in your 20's might not be the same as what you like and are up for in your 60's.

I don't know what to do. Or what questions to ask myself to figure it out.

I think you could relax. Focus on the task at hand -- Healing from the recent break up.

Enjoy cozy time with your BF. Accept that most of your 20's will be about figuring out your current 20's preferences in relating and you don't HAVE to have them all solved this weekend and carved in stone. There's no need to pressure yourself like that. Just breathe, and take it one day at a time. In your 30's you will figure out what the 30's you likes. In your 40's you will figure out what the 40's you likes. And so on.

Remember people keep changing and evolving over time. It's ok for their preferences to change over time also.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Jay,

Everyone so far has gave good advice but I just want to add one thing: My opinion is that monogamy is nothing to be afraid of. The preference for monogamy, also, is nothing to fear. Lots of people choose monogamy and live happily that way. You can do that too. Not that I'm trying to persuade you to remain monogamous, just trying to encourage you to have confidence in the future even if it does turn out to be monogamous. If you're enjoying it now, that's a good sign. Why not continue to be monogamous as long as you're still enjoying it?

One other thought I have is, it sounds like you have some talking to do with Jason. Ask him if he is enjoying monogamy, if he is enjoying all the things you're enjoying. Find out if he wants to search for new poly partners at this time. If he does, think about whether that's okay with you, and whether you in turn want to search for new poly partners at this time. I don't suppose you do, but I also believe there's no harm in giving it some thought. And as I said, communicating about it (with Jason).

Don't know if that helps, but those are some of my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you could relax.

It sounds totally normal after a heavy break up want to hole up and want nothing too stimulating as you heal. Feeling cozy with the BF sounds fine.

Because the reality of having multiple partners is just that -- more variables to manage, more schedules to deal with, more intensity, etc.

You can enjoy having a break from it without worrying about an existential or identity crisis. It doesn't have to "mean" anything other than "you just broke up and are enjoying some down time."


I think you hit the nail on the head with this one.


I could be wrong in my impression... but it almost sounds like you are panicking or worrying from jumping to conclusions. Maybe you are viewing it as a line -- mono on one side. Relationship anarchy style poly on the other. And if you aren't doing one, it must mean you lie in the other camp. If so? That's kind of black and white thinking. And it seems to be upsetting you at a time when you are trying to heal from break up stuff. Why ADD to your load rather than TAKE AWAY? :(

I think I am worried about it. I think it's worrying me because well... I dont think my boyfriend wants the same ya know? He has been wanting a more casual partner for a while and expressed interest in pursuing a person whom for personal reasons I want no involvement in, so the idea of having her as a metamor is a bit too close for comfort. That said I think he is enjoying the added time and whatnot. So I think on top of not being comfortable with the person he is considering persuing there is this layer of poly feels I have been having.

I think it's more like I want monogamy for the next 4-6 months and after that I see myself being more open to other relationships. But I actively do not want that now. I don't feel I have the energy for it. It takes effort to work through feels and time management when a new person comes along and I don't want to deal with that atm. I am dealing with depression and the recent break up and it just feels like too much for me to handle.


Also I liked your pictorials. :)
 
Hi Jay,

Everyone so far has gave good advice but I just want to add one thing: My opinion is that monogamy is nothing to be afraid of. The preference for monogamy, also, is nothing to fear. Lots of people choose monogamy and live happily that way. You can do that too. Not that I'm trying to persuade you to remain monogamous, just trying to encourage you to have confidence in the future even if it does turn out to be monogamous. If you're enjoying it now, that's a good sign. Why not continue to be monogamous as long as you're still enjoying it?

One other thought I have is, it sounds like you have some talking to do with Jason. Ask him if he is enjoying monogamy, if he is enjoying all the things you're enjoying. Find out if he wants to search for new poly partners at this time. If he does, think about whether that's okay with you, and whether you in turn want to search for new poly partners at this time. I don't suppose you do, but I also believe there's no harm in giving it some thought. And as I said, communicating about it (with Jason).

Don't know if that helps, but those are some of my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Yeah. But I think that's why it scares me. Because if it is something i want long term, I am scare that means the end of my relationship with Jason too. Because I highly doubt he would want that long term. (I'm not even sure if I do yet). On an Intellectual level poly agrees with me more. But emotionally I don't know what fits me right now.

For one I do know Jason would like another partner and has talked to me about activily persuing a person. I have expressed that I don't think it is a good idea and have negative feelings towards the person in question (she scares me, makes me feel unsafe and I do not want her as my metamor), but that he is free to make his own decisions regarding persuing her. But so far I have only expressed to him my feelings about that specific situation as I was unsure about my feelings on poly as a whole (and still am figuring it out) and wanted to have more internal clarity before going to him.
 
And, if that's the case, perhaps you'll pursue people with whom poly would be a little easier and not as melodramatic as it sounds like it was.

I would love this. I'm so tired of poly drama. Sometimes it's hard to see the good things I get out of poly when there seems to be so much shit to work through constantly.
 
I could be wrong. But I wonder if the thing you are trying to articulate goes something like this.... I quote just to visually block it off.

I just had a heavy break up thing. I am enjoying laying low and being free of poly drama. I want rest.

Long term things I have learned:

  • I no longer want to practice relationship anarchy like I did before
  • I am no longer up for drama. I want to minimize drama in my life.

Short term things I have learned:

  • I want comparative monogamy for the next 4-6 months so I can rest and deal with my depression.
  • After that I would be open to other relationships. I just don't have the energy right now.

Potential problems:

  • If Jason doesn't want to postpone dating his potential for a while, I would have to bow out of his poly network to remain drama free/in resting mode like I want to be in these next few months.
  • I want him to be free to see who he pleases but I want ME to be free of "new stuff" right now and dealing with a new meta and him in NRE is "new stuff."
  • I may have to bow out anyway because Jason is picking out a potential that I do not feel safe around. Adjusting to a new person in the network would be one load on its own, but this specific potential being a drama person makes it double load to me. (dealing with new person + drama person)

Is that it?

I am wondering if is that you are scared that you might be outgrowing Jason or realizing Jason is not really compatible for your new long term wants? :confused: Because if he's attracted to drama people and you want to avoid drama people, then that means you guys are not longer compatible.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I am wondering if is that you are scared that you might be outgrowing Jason or realizing Jason is not really compatible for your new long term wants? :confused: Because if he's attracted to drama people and you want to avoid drama people, then that means you guys are not longer compatible.

Galagirl

Your bullets seem somewhat in line with my feelings atm.

I don't feel I am outgrowing Jason tho. In fact I think we are very compatible and really do see a future with him in my life. He has expressed similar sentiments towards me.

With the new person he doesn't see it as a Relationship. He sees it as play and sex. But play partners is a type of relationship and he acknowledges that. He says he is not looking for more from them tho. He thinks because he wants it to be causual there will be no feelings or drama but i know that that is not nessisarily the case as those are not things you can just control.

I do think long term we are in line. However in the short term maybe we are not.... And I don't know if that's something we can work through it not.
 
Thanks for clarifying.

He thinks because he wants it to be causual there will be no feelings or drama but i know that that is not nessisarily the case as those are not things you can just control.

That is true. Cannot control other people's behavior or feelings.

I do think long term we are in line. However in the short term maybe we are not.... And I don't know if that's something we can work through it not.

What would "work it through" look like to you?

Galagirl
 
Hi Jay,

If you are sure, at the moment, that for the next 6 months you want to be drama free AND new people stuff free, could you restructure your relationship agreements with Jason JUST for the next 6 months? So that:

1. You can have drama free space AND new stuff free space

AND

2. He can still have his play partner

AND

3. You don't have to decide anything 'long term' at this point

?

It seems that part of the worry is you feel in order to stay drama free and new stuff free, you need to break up with him - but that after 6 months is up, you could feel quite differently and wish you hadn't?

What if you asked him:

"For the next 6 months, I need to lay low and heal. Therefore I'd like you to agree to this:

1. Don't encourage me to date new people. I won't be adding anyone new for 6 months at least, at which point I will reassess.

2. Don't tell me any more than I need to know about your new partners / playmates, for the next 6 months. That means nothing except for sexual health and scheduling stuff.

3. Don't use me as your discussion-buddy for anything about ANY new relationship or play buddy you have, for the next 6 months. After that - possibly. But for this 6 months, I want our time together to be drama-free and 'other relationship discussion free', and just focused on us. You can certainly tell me their names etc, but if you need to go deeper than that, then talk with close friends or family about more detailed stuff if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to hear you - I need to have a loving, healthy, clear space to get myself healed from past mess, so I can't be that person for now."

Would he agree to something like that?

Then after 6 months you could be in a better place to reassess...

1. Do you still want to ONLY know minimal info about his other partners?
2. Are you wanting to start dating again yourself?
3. Are you OK being poly / being with someone poly?

Maybe this isn't about deciding something forever and always. Maybe it's just putting some agreements in place, with an agreed on 'end-date' with your partner, to give you the space you need to heal and regroup. Then you'll be in a better place to make long-term choices re: your poly status and Jason relationship after that.

Just a suggestion, hope it helps :)
 
Maybe this isn't about deciding something forever and always. Maybe it's just putting some agreements in place, with an agreed on 'end-date' with your partner, to give you the space you need to heal and regroup. Then you'll be in a better place to make long-term choices re: your poly status and Jason relationship after that.

A distinct lack of information like that would definitely give me lots of feelings and be difficult for me so I'm not sure that would untimely help the situation. I feel like in someway that would be similar to pretending it's not happening. Cause I am going to have feelings if a new person gets involved. In my poly relationships I am usually open to talking about and working through those feelings. But I don't want to deal with that at the moment with all the other things I currently have on my plate. (finishing up school, my depression, recent break up, my boyfriends depression...).

And I can't just not address those feelings ya know? Like if there is new people I'm going to have to deal with it. I can have boundaries in terms of involvement (I already do) but boundaries in terms of information would likely have an opposite effect.

I do like your idea of temporary agreements tho. I'm just not sure what that would look like. Which brjngs me to GalaGirls question...

What would "work it through" look like to you?

Let's name Jason's current interest Amilie.

And honestly, I've been thinking about it and I just don't know. How do you compromise on this? It seems like either he can agree to wait a bit or I attempt to deal with it.

Maybe that's it. Maybe its that I can deal with feelings if he is willing to persue someone that Amilie. But even that seems like a lot at the moment. :/
 
And honestly, I've been thinking about it and I just don't know. How do you compromise on this? It seems like either he can agree to wait a bit or I attempt to deal with it.

I guess you could try listing everything. Then put them in number order for what you prefer to do.

  • You and Jason are together. He agrees to wait X months before dating anybody. (Maybe the compromise could be time? Like 2-3 mos rather than 4-6?)
  • You and Jason are together. He dates only Amilie right now. No other new people. (The compromise is a reduction of new potentials, and the price of admission is dealing with Amilie. )
  • You and Jason are together. He does NOT date Amilie. Just other new people. (The compromise is getting rid of drama Amilie. And the price of admission is dealing with other new people.)
  • You and Jason take a break for 4-6 mos. He dates as he pleases -- Amilie or other new people. You have your rest as you please. Then you check in and get back together later.
  • You and Jason take a break for 4-6 mos. You check in and decide NOT to get back together.
  • Some mix and match of the above.
  • Something else I cannot think of

I think if you are compatible in the long term, but not the short term? In your shoes I would opt for taking a break. I would put my need to rest above all else because I cannot cope well when I am run down. And Jason could date as he pleases in the meanwhile. We could set a date to talk about getting back together later and decide if that is what we want to do at THAT point in time.

But that's me. You have to decide what you want to be doing for you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top