BonzaiBlitz
New member
I am a poly women and I wouldn't date you. Why?
Because your wife gets to shape a dictate what our relationship can be. No matter what plans we would make, what crisis I may be having in my life, I wouldn't matter if your wife pulls the wife card. Fuck that.
No one but me and my partner get a say where things go. Who says poly relationships don't last. I have been with Butch 16 years and Murf 5. I do not plan on ending either relationship. I don't throw away men like used toys. Murf is just as import as Butch. He is just as much my husband as Butch. Butch gets no say in our relationship. None.
No sane woman is going to tolerate another woman telling her the way things can be in her relationship. Not even the most independent solo poly woman. Wives like yours are why married poly men can have a hell of a time finding women to date.
It's great that you have achieved this level of stability in your relationship.
However, my experience with poly thus far is that its foundational idea is "No one way is THE way," apart from abusive, manipulative, or nonconsensual nonmonogamy.
My identity as a person is based in my marriage, after nearly a decade together.
It is and always will be my primary relationship, whether I dabble in short-term dating or find a long-term secondary.
My wife has indicated that this also the case on her side.
So I understand the OP's dilemma.
This kind of teardown doesn't seem productive to finding a solution, as you seem to imply that the OP isn't practicing "real" poly because his primary has veto power.
My wife has veto power because my relationships with others affect her.
I have veto power because her relationships affect me.
I'm also skeptical that anyone can maintain an emotional brick wall between their relationships, especially if one gets rocky.
To date, my wife and I have only used veto power once each in our year-and-change of openness.
I asked her not to pursue a man who seemed like a sleazebag in the making, and less than a month later she thanked me after seeing him go full possessive asshole on a mutual friend.
She asked me not to pursue her best friend from high school, because she was afraid it would cause tension in their friendship, which predates us.
Hierarchies happen because time is a limited resource, and if your poly-ness started from a previously-monogamous relationship, it seems more likely to play out that way unless you do some serious discussing (serious to the point of taking a hammer to most of what defines your relationship).