iloveitihateit
New member
My boyfriend and I are in a married-like relationship (not married by choice, but we are life partners). We are in an open relationship where we are allowed to do anything except intercourse. We are relatively new to the lifestyle, so there hasn't been too many people.
We have been to swingers clubs. I'm bisexual, and he is straight. The clubs have been fine and fun, but the problem is non-club situations and getting to know others one on one.
I keep hitting a ceiling in our communication about what details to the other. There are some details that I think are important to know, but he prefers to not provide details where he doesn't think they are important.
His solution is: Ask me anything about the night. If I can't come up with a question addresses what is important to me, it's not important.
My solution is: To try to understand why certain details are not important to tell, when they would be important to me. And try to come up with a solution based on that.
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Here are issues:
1) He leaves out certain details about a situation regarding a person he is into, and he feels it is unimportant to tell me. High-level details are the only things he thinks I should know.
A month ago it started out as: I'm attracted to her and I think she could be a thing.
Now it's: I think I might be more into her and she could become a thing.
2) Some of those details I sometimes discover second-handed and I felt that they were important to tell me because it shows an attempt to connect and bond with that someone.
I discovered: He attempted to try to kiss her the other night.
He was talking about it with someone else in a message thread, but he never once told me about it.
I was hurt and sad that he never told me anything about it, yet he so freely spoke about it with others. To me it is an attempt to connect and bond with someone else, and that's important for me to know. To him, the conversation was in total passing and the kiss attempt wasn't a significant moment not warranted to talk about. Thus, it's irrelevant for me to even feel sad.
This happened a lot with the last girl he was seeing. I was getting sad and upset that he would relinquish details that were important to me, but he keeps telling me that they are not important and that I shouldn't be emotional about it.
The emotional part is important because seeing that I'm making a big deal out of something he doesn't feel is a big deal makes it very hard to talk about. He becomes reactive and angry, I become less wanting to talk about it.
He tells me I need to be less emotional about things that are not important. Maybe they aren't important? How to I become less emotional about it?
I'm trying to have civil conversations about it all, but every time I say it makes me sad all he thinks about is how he's hurting me and abusing me. But, he isn't... I just want to have the conversation.
I simply want to know how we can have a balance between not asking and asking. What should I know, what shouldn't I know? How can I not be so emotional with not knowing? How can I get him to learn what is important to tell me if he's not willing to tell me anyway? How can I learn how to deal with my feelings if I am just kept in the dark anyway?
I'm hoping some of you can shed some insight. I'm really lost and hurt because each situation keeps escalating.
We have been to swingers clubs. I'm bisexual, and he is straight. The clubs have been fine and fun, but the problem is non-club situations and getting to know others one on one.
I keep hitting a ceiling in our communication about what details to the other. There are some details that I think are important to know, but he prefers to not provide details where he doesn't think they are important.
His solution is: Ask me anything about the night. If I can't come up with a question addresses what is important to me, it's not important.
My solution is: To try to understand why certain details are not important to tell, when they would be important to me. And try to come up with a solution based on that.
----
Here are issues:
1) He leaves out certain details about a situation regarding a person he is into, and he feels it is unimportant to tell me. High-level details are the only things he thinks I should know.
A month ago it started out as: I'm attracted to her and I think she could be a thing.
Now it's: I think I might be more into her and she could become a thing.
2) Some of those details I sometimes discover second-handed and I felt that they were important to tell me because it shows an attempt to connect and bond with that someone.
I discovered: He attempted to try to kiss her the other night.
He was talking about it with someone else in a message thread, but he never once told me about it.
I was hurt and sad that he never told me anything about it, yet he so freely spoke about it with others. To me it is an attempt to connect and bond with someone else, and that's important for me to know. To him, the conversation was in total passing and the kiss attempt wasn't a significant moment not warranted to talk about. Thus, it's irrelevant for me to even feel sad.
This happened a lot with the last girl he was seeing. I was getting sad and upset that he would relinquish details that were important to me, but he keeps telling me that they are not important and that I shouldn't be emotional about it.
The emotional part is important because seeing that I'm making a big deal out of something he doesn't feel is a big deal makes it very hard to talk about. He becomes reactive and angry, I become less wanting to talk about it.
He tells me I need to be less emotional about things that are not important. Maybe they aren't important? How to I become less emotional about it?
I'm trying to have civil conversations about it all, but every time I say it makes me sad all he thinks about is how he's hurting me and abusing me. But, he isn't... I just want to have the conversation.
I simply want to know how we can have a balance between not asking and asking. What should I know, what shouldn't I know? How can I not be so emotional with not knowing? How can I get him to learn what is important to tell me if he's not willing to tell me anyway? How can I learn how to deal with my feelings if I am just kept in the dark anyway?
I'm hoping some of you can shed some insight. I'm really lost and hurt because each situation keeps escalating.