Is extra reassurance normal?

Hi I am a 23 year old and I have been in an on and off relationship with my current boyfriend for the last 4 years. We attended different colleges so spent some time apart, we've broken up a total of 3 times. For the majority of our relationships we have been monogamous. He cheated on me 2 times in college, about 2 years ago, and after some time were able to move forward, starting a new chapter in our relationship. Recently, we started dating again (back in April 2018). When we decided we want to seriously date again he told me he wanted to be in an open relationship. I've never been in one, nor spoken to anyone about it before so it was a scary idea. It still is a bit of a scary idea.

I said that I was willing to do this because I didn't want to say no when I, 1) love him and we both equally want to spend the rest of our lives together, and 2) didn't want to say no before I at least tried it. He was overjoyed and quite frankly surprised I was willing to try. He started seeing someone and it ultimately did not work out. It was clear from the start that her intentions were more than just wanting sex. She texted him all the time, telling him about her day and would ask if she could vent to him when something went wrong. She also did not respect me or the importance I had in my boyfriend's life. Ultimately, my boyfriend ended it a month after realizing these things, and realizing that I was losing my mind with anxiety because the whole situation was just bad from the start. I could tell.

Now, a month later, we've been monogamous within our open relationship. I've made out with a few people here and there but nothing more than a one time deal. I haven't really felt the need for it yet. I'm so busy with my job, that the little time I do have to spare, I spend it with my boyfriend. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has more time to spare and recently met a girl on a dating app. They met and he told her about me and the situation. From what he says she is completely happy with our relationship and she doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize it, and that she wants a physical relationship only, when it's convenient for the both of them.

Right now, because this is so new for me, I need extra security and assurance that he's my person and he wants to spend his life with me and he's not going to up and leave me for her (or anyone I suppose). I can't tell if these feelings are normal to be having. I've always struggled with feeling secure in a relationship and have needed the extra reassurance, but because this is so new and a completely different world to me, I need the reassurance even more so, now more than ever. I don't know if talking to the girl one on one and getting to hear it for myself will help with my need for extra security as well but I'm just not sure. I know I can be okay with everything and I know that this can work, but the one thing I feel I need most, I'm worried it's the one thing that will make this whole thing fall apart. And that's not what I want.

Sincerely, TryingToFigureItAllOut
 
So... It sounds like you and your boyfriend are not exploring polyamory. Most people consider polyamory to be having the capacity for multiple *relationships*.

In polyamory, this:

It was clear from the start that her intentions were more than just wanting sex. She texted him all the time, telling him about her day and would ask if she could vent to him when something went wrong.

is what's more typical. People have relationships, not *only* sex. (That isn't to say that having only sex makes someone not polyamorous, but *usually* polyamory includes more). For that matter, sometimes "just friends" do that.

You say that that woman "didn't respect you or your importance." What did that look like? What did she do or say that you felt was disrespectful? Did she know--did your boyfriend tell her--from the beginning that she was meant to only be a sexual outlet and not have any other contact with or meaning to him? And was he clear that that meant no texting, no venting, etc.? (Personally, I have one partner who is essentially just a sexual outlet, but we still text each other and chat about things other than sex.)

The above isn't meant as criticism, and isn't necessary for you to answer, but it's important to be completely clear with yourselves, with each other, and with prospective partners about what exactly you and your boyfriend mean by "open relationship." Clear communication is vital, especially if it bothers you when he has a connection with someone else that includes her having conversations with him beyond "Hey, wanna fuck?"

Feeling insecure and needing reassurance is not unusual. I've been in polyamorous situations for the past five-plus years, and have been with my current boyfriend for three of those. (I'm also married, and I've had shorter term relationships along the line.) I *still* need, when he starts seeing someone new, to hear him say, "This doesn't change anything between us, you still have your space in my house, you still have our scheduled nights, you still have my love, I still want you." It's totally okay to need that kind of thing as long as you aren't relying on your boyfriend--or any of his other partners--to manage your emotions *for* you. Your insecurity is yours to deal with, but it's fine to ask for help and support with it.

As for whether talking to the other woman would help...Well, it might, but it might not. For me personally, talking to my boyfriends' other partners usually makes things worse instead of better, because knowing what she looks and sounds like gives my brain more fuel to create worst-case scenarios from. I usually prefer not meeting his other partners at all, though sometimes it's unavoidable if we're at the same event or something. But even then, I'll stay on the other side of the room from the other partner and not speak to her if I can help it. So for me, asking to hear from another woman that she isn't going to fuck with my relationship would backfire spectacularly, not to mention I wouldn't believe her anyway so there wouldn't be a point in asking. (I have baggage around poor treatment from other women and especially from partners' other partners.)

On the flip side, I've heard from people who say talking to their metamours (their partner's other partners) has helped a LOT in getting past insecurity and jealousy. They find it more reassuring and feel like they're on the same team, so to speak, once they've met a metamour and talked with her. So your mileage may vary.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I am a 23 year old and I have been in an on and off relationship with my current boyfriend for the last 4 years. We attended different colleges so spent some time apart, we've broken up a total of 3 times. For the majority of our relationships we have been monogamous. He cheated on me 2 times in college,


I noticed you are 23 and dated this BF on and of for 4 years. During which you broke up 3 times and there was cheating.

Is this the only serious relationship you've had as an adult?

If so, that would explain this:

I've always struggled with feeling secure in a relationship and have needed the extra reassurance, but because this is so new and a completely different world to me, I need the reassurance even more so, now more than ever.

It might not be you but the SITUATION. Maybe you've "always struggled" because this guy isn't reliable?

While I get that you love him, love isn't the only thing needed in a stable, healthy relationship. There must be reliability, respect, trustworthiness and a bunch of other things.And that's dating him in a monogamous context.

If you are now trying to date this BF in a poly context, it makes sense that you need even MORE reassuring. Just being in a new relationship model would need reassuring. But a new model with a BF who has a shaky past record is even more so. I think it is normal for you to have concerns.
I've never been in one, nor spoken to anyone about it before so it was a scary idea. It still is a bit of a scary idea.

Why are you doing stuff the scares you? That doesn't sound like "joyful consent" to me.


He started seeing someone and it ultimately did not work out. It was clear from the start that her intentions were more than just wanting sex.

What is wrong with wanting to share love AND share sex? That is polyamory. "Many loves." Are you guys clear on what open model you want to practice?

Right now, because this is so new for me, I need extra security and assurance that he's my person and he wants to spend his life with me and he's not going to up and leave me for her (or anyone I suppose).

Why the need for this? I want stability in my relationships also, but if DH and I arrived at a place where parting ways was best, I like to think we could do it and still be able to stand on our own to feet.

I have a friend who is afraid to be alone. So she dates whoever comes along just to avoid being alone. Which leads to picking out some wonky people, and staying in some wonky situations because she thinks "well, it's better than being alone!" When really the healthiest thing for her would be to learn to stand on her own two feet, not fear being alone, and then she can raise her personal standards for dating. NOT pick whoever happens along.

I suggest you examine that fear that he's gonna up and leave you. What's that coming from?

And if you broke up 3 times... why keep on taking him back? What's that coming from?

I think part of the success to polyamorous relationships is picking out steady poly partners to begin with. So I'm not trying to be mean here when I suggest that before you agree to anything... step back and evaluate this partner against your personal dating standard. Set love aside for a moment.

Does he tick your other boxes for healthy, stable, reliable relationshipping?

https://familyconsumersciences.com/wp-content/uploads/Power-Control-Wheels.pdf

Galagirl
 
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Hello TryingToFigureItAllOut,

It is perfectly normal to need extra reassurance, do not hesitate to ask your boyfriend for that. I suppose you could ask his new girlfriend for that too, just be aware that in spite of her intentions, she could end up falling in love with your boyfriend, and he could end up wanting two primary partners, you and her. This would be different from him choosing her *instead* of you, but you have to decide if you can trust him to do that (choose you both). If that's what ends up happening. It's always possible he and she will just continue to want casual sex.

It does worry me that he has cheated on you in the past, and broken up with you three times. It's no wonder you need reassurance, with that kind of a track record. I hope he will be more loyal to you in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Response to KC43/GalaGirl

I may have misspoken in that he only has sex with his partners. He has had relationships with them too. One of the girls he is currently seeing, they've gone out for coffee and food once before (and I believe another meeting is planned soon), but he also wants the physical portion too. So while they don't really text (due to them both working and being busy/neither of them being much of the kind to text just because) they do have a relationship outside of just sex.

I think open relationships are scary only because it's unknown. I've never encountered a couple in an open relationship, or been in one myself, or really been exposed to it in general. So the concept of it is very unknown to me which makes it "scary." I'm the kind of individual who I like to get all the facts and details and investigate and once I've done that, I feel less scared because I'm more informed. I've spent time researching open relationships and read advice columns, this forum is one of my ways of investigating, in hopes to become less scared and more comfortable with more information.

We've discussed the kind of relationship we want, which is that he does not want a second primary. He wants me as his primary, but wants other people to casually see and hook up with, but his intentions are not for it to go any further than that. He doesn't say that it's impossible for it to not go any further, but he has assured me that if a situation did arise where he wanted to pursue it further with someone on the side that we would have that conversation before anything occurred. So we have established that he more so, and again this is just my phrasing and best way to put it, wants friends with benefits on the side. He wants to have someone who he can spend time with on more of a friendly basis, but who also wants to hook up. That's the best way in which I can explain it.

As for meeting the other woman, I will say I have gone back and forth with the idea of meeting them or not. Obviously my meeting them is when they start to see each other more frequently, not just right off the bat. I do have the same struggles that talking with his partners will probably make things worse instead of better because, like you said, then you know what she looks and sounds like and that usually will create worst-case scenarios for me. However, seeing her and meeting her, I think, will also calm those fears. I can ask my questions and meet her and feel a sense of ease (or that's my hope). The current girl he is seeing has explained to him numerous times that she values what we have and has no intentions of getting in between in a negative manner. She values female friendships and believes that we should stick together, not fight. While he has told me that she has said these things, I feel as though I need to hear her say it to me. I'm the kind of person who, I feel much more comfortable when I see and hear it for myself. Word of mouth can get twisted very quickly. But I do keep going back and forth on whether I want to meet her. I already know what she looks like so that aspect is less of my concern. She's pretty and seems nice, I just need to be reassured that what my BF has said that she has said is accurate and not just his way of trying to make me feel better.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. It's definitely helping me work through this and come to a better understanding, which in turn, I hope, will result in me being less scared and more accepting and understanding.
 
I'm the kind of individual who I like to get all the facts and details and investigate and once I've done that, I feel less scared because I'm more informed. I've spent time researching open relationships and read advice columns, this forum is one of my ways of investigating, in hopes to become less scared and more comfortable with more information.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

https://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/


While he has told me that she has said these things, I feel as though I need to hear her say it to me. I'm the kind of person who, I feel much more comfortable when I see and hear it for myself. Word of mouth can get twisted very quickly. But I do keep going back and forth on whether I want to meet her. I already know what she looks like so that aspect is less of my concern. She's pretty and seems nice, I just need to be reassured that what my BF has said that she has said is accurate and not just his way of trying to make me feel better.

So don't meet. Maybe just text or talk on the phone? Could that solve the need to find out for yourself but skip meeting in person?

HTH!
Galagirl
 
We've discussed the kind of relationship we want, which is that he does not want a second primary. He wants me as his primary, but wants other people to casually see and hook up with, but his intentions are not for it to go any further than that. .... (he)wants friends with benefits on the side. He wants to have someone who he can spend time with on more of a friendly basis, but who also wants to hook up.

You have discussed the kind of relationship that he wants. What kind of relationship do you want?
 
I'm a little confused. This:

I may have misspoken in that he only has sex with his partners. He has had relationships with them too.

doesn't quite match up with this:

It was clear from the start that her intentions were more than just wanting sex. She texted him all the time, telling him about her day and would ask if she could vent to him when something went wrong.

If he has had relationships with partners, and doesn't only have sex with them, why was it a problem that this one woman wanted more than just sex?

Aside from that, with your boyfriend's new person, it sounds like having a conversation with her would be a good way to address some of your fears. If you're concerned that your boyfriend isn't being entirely honest about what she has said, hearing it directly from her would certainly take care of the concern. But as GalaGirl said, maybe hearing it over the phone or reading it in a text message or email would be easier for you than sitting face to face with her?
 
The reason it was a problem that he wanted to have more than just sex with the first girl (let's call her K) was because K specifically told him that she didn't really want to just be the person he was seeing on the side but she would make it work. K would very often make snide comments to him about how "if I was your girlfriend instead of her (me)..." so that's why the situation with her wanting more than just sex from him was a very toxic situation and honestly made me very uncomfortable. She wasn't really someone who understood our situation and was like "okay cool, well I just want someone who I can spend time with and have sex with and I'm not trying to get in between you and your girlfriend." And with K, that was not at all the situation.

As for the meeting her/talking to her (let's call her Z), my boyfriend has relayed information that she has said, which is that she is very much so an advocate for women sticking up for women and that she does not want to cause any problems between him and I because she thinks that our relationship is special and she wouldn't feel comfortable starting anything if it was any other way. Z made it pretty clear to him that if at any point things in our relationship go awry because of his relationship with her, that she would respectfully step back. And that made me feel a lot more comfortable with him seeing Z because it feels like she isn't trying to sabotage anything, where I felt like the first girl (K) was. But again, I took what my boyfriend said about Z with a grain of salt because unless I hear it from her mouth, I don't truly know what was actually said because information can sometimes be misconstrued when getting passed from person to person.
 
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