TryingToFigureItAllOut
New member
Hi I am a 23 year old and I have been in an on and off relationship with my current boyfriend for the last 4 years. We attended different colleges so spent some time apart, we've broken up a total of 3 times. For the majority of our relationships we have been monogamous. He cheated on me 2 times in college, about 2 years ago, and after some time were able to move forward, starting a new chapter in our relationship. Recently, we started dating again (back in April 2018). When we decided we want to seriously date again he told me he wanted to be in an open relationship. I've never been in one, nor spoken to anyone about it before so it was a scary idea. It still is a bit of a scary idea.
I said that I was willing to do this because I didn't want to say no when I, 1) love him and we both equally want to spend the rest of our lives together, and 2) didn't want to say no before I at least tried it. He was overjoyed and quite frankly surprised I was willing to try. He started seeing someone and it ultimately did not work out. It was clear from the start that her intentions were more than just wanting sex. She texted him all the time, telling him about her day and would ask if she could vent to him when something went wrong. She also did not respect me or the importance I had in my boyfriend's life. Ultimately, my boyfriend ended it a month after realizing these things, and realizing that I was losing my mind with anxiety because the whole situation was just bad from the start. I could tell.
Now, a month later, we've been monogamous within our open relationship. I've made out with a few people here and there but nothing more than a one time deal. I haven't really felt the need for it yet. I'm so busy with my job, that the little time I do have to spare, I spend it with my boyfriend. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has more time to spare and recently met a girl on a dating app. They met and he told her about me and the situation. From what he says she is completely happy with our relationship and she doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize it, and that she wants a physical relationship only, when it's convenient for the both of them.
Right now, because this is so new for me, I need extra security and assurance that he's my person and he wants to spend his life with me and he's not going to up and leave me for her (or anyone I suppose). I can't tell if these feelings are normal to be having. I've always struggled with feeling secure in a relationship and have needed the extra reassurance, but because this is so new and a completely different world to me, I need the reassurance even more so, now more than ever. I don't know if talking to the girl one on one and getting to hear it for myself will help with my need for extra security as well but I'm just not sure. I know I can be okay with everything and I know that this can work, but the one thing I feel I need most, I'm worried it's the one thing that will make this whole thing fall apart. And that's not what I want.
Sincerely, TryingToFigureItAllOut
I said that I was willing to do this because I didn't want to say no when I, 1) love him and we both equally want to spend the rest of our lives together, and 2) didn't want to say no before I at least tried it. He was overjoyed and quite frankly surprised I was willing to try. He started seeing someone and it ultimately did not work out. It was clear from the start that her intentions were more than just wanting sex. She texted him all the time, telling him about her day and would ask if she could vent to him when something went wrong. She also did not respect me or the importance I had in my boyfriend's life. Ultimately, my boyfriend ended it a month after realizing these things, and realizing that I was losing my mind with anxiety because the whole situation was just bad from the start. I could tell.
Now, a month later, we've been monogamous within our open relationship. I've made out with a few people here and there but nothing more than a one time deal. I haven't really felt the need for it yet. I'm so busy with my job, that the little time I do have to spare, I spend it with my boyfriend. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has more time to spare and recently met a girl on a dating app. They met and he told her about me and the situation. From what he says she is completely happy with our relationship and she doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize it, and that she wants a physical relationship only, when it's convenient for the both of them.
Right now, because this is so new for me, I need extra security and assurance that he's my person and he wants to spend his life with me and he's not going to up and leave me for her (or anyone I suppose). I can't tell if these feelings are normal to be having. I've always struggled with feeling secure in a relationship and have needed the extra reassurance, but because this is so new and a completely different world to me, I need the reassurance even more so, now more than ever. I don't know if talking to the girl one on one and getting to hear it for myself will help with my need for extra security as well but I'm just not sure. I know I can be okay with everything and I know that this can work, but the one thing I feel I need most, I'm worried it's the one thing that will make this whole thing fall apart. And that's not what I want.
Sincerely, TryingToFigureItAllOut