I probably should have responded to this sooner. Sorry, i live a very busy life. If i were deployed or TDY, i probably would have already responded to it.
No problem, we all have busy lives.
I'm a bit confused. You said in your OP you're barely a husband to your wife of 10 years, since you're hardly ever home. You've been together 10 years, and you want to help her get over her social anxiety, because you are in danger of death in the wars. But it's been 10 years and you're still trying to find her a poly couple to take care of her...
She's got her metamour friend to take care of her, and to take care of as well. She barely has a husband. And your main goal in life, besides your service to our country, is to see your wife become more confident.
So how's that going? Have you seen improvement?
I also have a partner of 10 years. We live together. She also suffers social anxiety. But she's on medication for anxiety, she did 7 years of therapy, once a week for several years, then once or twice a month for years. She isn't completely dependent on me to "help" her feel more confident in social situations. Since I've known her, she has made great strides in approaching social situations, fun gatherings, or in work situations, etc.
It's never been one of my main goals in life to help her get over her anxiety. I figure that's her job. I'm not into white knighting. I do remind her to take her meds a few times a week, since she has trouble remembering to take them. But otherwise, she's aware that becoming more confident is her job. She has lots of friends, she has a bf of 5 years.
Of course, you have every right to feel, think and do as you are. I'm just offering another perspective. I didn't need to go out and FIND Pixi a bf, she dated on her own, with her own words and planning how to find the right guy for her.
My wife suffers social anxiety, so if i am helping her meet people, it is in that context. I am helping her get past the panic of first contact... I am trying to help her learn better coping skills for her social anxiety. Basically, help her develop memories in which she benefited from confronting and accepting those fears, but acting anyway...
As for what i do when i am deployed or TDY, yes, i get by with masturbation, or simply focusing on my work. That might not make sense to most people, but there are more pressing matters on deployment than getting laid... I have on rare occasions danced with a few girls while deployed during such times, but that's about it.
I am demisexual, so i dont really connect with anyone that i know will not be in my life for a long time. I am simply not interested in other people when i am away. I would much rather communicate with my current partners and help them achieve whatever it is they want to do in life. The biggest reason both of them are still with me is because i do whatever i can to help them achieve what they want in life. Nearly a decade ago, i decided that my goal would be to make sure that i could prepare my wife to be happy without me. That meant i had find a way to make sure she knew she could do anything and everything in the event of my death.
It is no different for my girlfriend. Employment, education, life goals, planning, self development, resilience... i want to help her with all of it. I am good at planning those kinds of things so that goals are actually met.
That is why they stay with me. That is why they are committed to me. I do not restrict them from having other lovers. They are free to date and love others as they please. I find ways to either give them what they want in life, or help them get it themselves. That is what I get out of it. The knowledge that i am doing something positive in the lives of those i love.
Plus, they keep me pretty sexed up while i am home.
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