I think I am causing everyone pain

Don't engage him further. He will just keep attempting to gaslight you and you may be prone to getting confused by his garbage. Write him off COMPLETELY. You don't need to explain to him "why;" he knows why, he just wants to confuse you, to twist you up inside again, so you keep putting up with his bullshit.

I agree with the gaslighting observation. Classic narcissist tactic. And I disagree with GG (and others here from time to time) that only a doctor, a psychologist, can diagnose a narcissist. First of all, their symptoms are quite clear, always the same pattern. I mean, it's really super easy to spot an entirely self centered person, once they stop pretending to care. There is tons of information on the net and in books about how to spot a narc, and how to dump one if you get tricked by them, into having a relationship. And how to heal from their inhuman shocking betrayals, the devaluation and dumping, after the idealization and love bombing.

A(sshat) love bombed you. Saying "I love you" on the first or second date was a clear red flag for me, after I'd broken up with my narc and began dating again. My narc (nicknamed Ginger in my former blog) didn't say "I love you" right away, but when I resumed dating, the next narc did say "I love you," way too soon. I'd read about this red flag when I was healing from Ginger.

Asshat is/was gaslighting you. Making you doubt conversations you had, agreements you thought you had. He wanted a "don't ask don't tell" relationship? Where you could both date others, but only when out of the country, and not tell each other about these people? But he was still fucking his exes, or sexting at least? He asked you about B, despite agreeing not to. He agonized to you while you were going to see B. He got pissy when you told him you needed space from that while traveling.

He doesn't need feelings to fuck people. Oh wait, he never fucks people unless he loves them. Back and forth. "Word salad," acting stupid about basic emotions. Saying something and shortly afterward, denying he felt it, or thought it, much less said it. Leaving your head spinning. Questioning your own memory and even your own sanity.

Triangulating you with this American woman. Triangulating you with his exes, and possible new women. Still living in your apartment because he "can't" find a place to stay. User behavior.

Even being free and easy, cool and collected, gender queer and supposedly feminist. My ex Ginger was the same way. Long flowing hair. An artist, a musician, singer and guitar player, a dancer, a pagan, supposedly worshiped goddesses, sculpted goddesses, "loved" full figured mature women... on and on. Narcs don't have a concept that other people have feelings (but they are expert at "mirroring" other people's behaviors). So they can be cool and detached, seemingly so self confident. They don't get embarrassed. They can be gender queer easily, because they don't care what others think, because to them, other people don't think or feel. Only they really exist. They have NO EMPATHY.

Like GG says, they have a black hole where a soul should be. They use others constantly for entertainment because they are empty.

By the way, you have my sympathies for living in Eastern Europe, with the sexism and homophobia. That sounds horrible. I can see why Asshat seemed attractive (at first) in contrast. And I also, sadly, see why Asshat identified you as easy prey. :(

As for B, I'll call him Boy, and what to do now that you're breaking up with Asshat? All I can tell you is, after 2 1/2 years with Ginger, I took a break from dating men. (I was then already in my long term relationship with my dear sweet gf for 6 years and we'd been living together 2 years, so I still had her.) I took 6 months to heal, read up on what narcissism was, how the hell this perfect man who checked all my boxes, turned out to be such a shithead, such a user, such a liar. I needed to rest. So... up to you. You've already got a LDR with Boy. But it's new. You don't need to unload all about Asshat to him. And if you do want a future good relationship with Boy, you probably want to be a whole person, a (mostly) healthy healed person. You of course, will be a better partner for any man, either Boy, or someone else, when you are calmer, more centered, more armed with knowledge of what red flags to look out for, what boundaries to keep, what kind of skepticism to have.

It must be easy to spot sexist men in your culture. How much worse is Asshat, who pretended to love you, when he is actually completely misanthropic?

Beware of a common narc behavior: they often attempt to hook you back in again after some time goes by (usually 6 weeks post break up). Once I knew it was over with Ginger, I still missed him. The old him that I thought I knew and wanted back. The great sex we'd once had. I was still friends with him on Facebook. I'd become FB friends with his latest new lovers too (a married MF couple). I was stalking them too, to see if they commented on Ginger's profile, mentioned shared experiences, feelings, things like that. I finally cut contact with all of them. I'd been messaging Ginger, since we used to text every day when we were together. it was such a part of my life.

Thanks to GG's great advice here, I cut all contact. I didn't speak to Ginger for 40 days. Oddly on day 41, he contacted me (he still had my phone number and I hadn't blocked him, just stopped talking). He wanted to reconnect. I naively wondered if we could go to FWBs. I missed our great sex. So, I did meet him! Outside, in a public park. He'd dressed up, he'd combed out his long flowing hair. He looked amazing. Too good. And he was the same old piece of shit. Leading me on, saying one thing, saying something else a bit later. Confirming, then denying. Twisting facts. All bullshit. After 90 minutes, I almost ran to my car to get the fuck away from this monster. He followed me and asked for a hug. I gave him one just because we were at that moment alone in this wooded parking lot and I was afraid of what might happen if I didn't hug him! Then that was it! Bye bye asshat.

He used to stalk my blog here when we were breaking up, and afterward. Or he had a female friend stalk it (he told me this) and tell him what I was saying. As if this somehow made him not a stalker. Narcs often engage others to do their dirty work for them. It made me paranoid to blog for a few months but finally I thought, fuck it. I'll say what I want.
 
reflections

I got to the no contact thing. It really cannot be otherwise. I had veeery difficult feelings after I saw his ex masturbating videos that he replied just with "can't see blood on you, just blood on the dildo" (she was menstruating). That's like the only thing I saw. It could have been her just missing him, after allegedly he broke up with her because he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. He claims even when she asked him to see him and snuggle because she was having a difficult time that he refused because he thought this would be disrespectful to me. Claimed that he did not have sex with her again after they broke up. But who really knows.

The upsetting was the stuff with the new girl. Except the virtual sex shots, stuff like "can't wait to see you, x days until I'm there" or even "happy one month anniversary", calling her baby, her calling him a boyfriend and telling him she loves him, waiting for their date. Fine, he admitted to me that he liked this girl, we were sort of broken of, although he doesn't want to cut it clean. I am just reaaaaally having a hard time with him leaving me because things were rough to pursue something else, while not really leaving me... Also hating to have any negative feelings towards another woman I don't know and who did nothing to me. Really really hating it.

I was ready to drop all possibilities for lovers I had while we were apart to help him heal from his tough feelings because of my broken promises. I was not 100% sure I can do it, for me he felt a bit needy and demanding.

He claims he told me he would not know to know if I was with someone, maybe it is me not listening properly or him formulating it not clearly but I really I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. Furthermore, right BEFORE I met B, like literally TWO DAYS (crazy shit, uh? ) before that I had found a free book at a social space about Open Relationships and we had a discussion and he was already insecure, thinking I am bringing it up to hint things (he told me that later). While we were discussing the book, I DON'T REMEMBER HIM TELLING ME HE DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW if something happened. All I got was a confirmation we were in an open relationship. To not lie to myself or to other people, I just looked through texts now, when I asked him would we like to tell each other (I said no) to he said "Not while I am away I think. I try to focus on the times when you say you don't want to be with other people and pretend like it's not a possibility" (I was really cherishing him as a partner, shit guys were hitting on me and I would tell him and tell him how he is sooo much better and I love our relationship). Maybe I'm dumb to not have read it properly. Yes. I am.

I didn't tell him on purpose about B actually, I wanted to wait until we are back together at least and when he asked me and I couldn't lie. He was texting me a lot, and I was answering but not as fast, I didn't ghost him or abandon him but I had feelings of guilt and also I was spending time with B and other friends in their country where I was for the first time. He had also asked me to give it a break after B, I said yes because I desperately wanted him to feel better and also because I didn't know I would meet C. I kind of rushed into being with C, it was a beautiful moment also because I couldn't cope with the pressure and doubts of A all the time and I thought "Fuck, once we are together again it will be over with me being with other for a long time or forever". This is what he blames me about. And of course, abandoning him because of my totally drained moment.

I would not label him a narc, I don't want to create a one-dimentional image of him or demonize him, or just give him an easy label after all. Here I wrote a lot about my crazy and uneasy feelings, my partial resentment because of the way it ended, so it is a lot of my bitterness and my side of the story after all. I don't want to believe he is evil or empty. What I see is an extremely insecure person, who desperately, desperately wants to be loved. I tried to talk to him about love bombing to help him see it and maybe work on it in future relationships and he was very dismissive, even offended that I am putting such an ugly frame on something so beautiful, offending his feelings for me. He admitted that his feelings about my affairs are irrational, just irrational. But I find it hard to not blame him for all the guilt and pain he provoked in me and about not holding on to our relationship like I did. I am not a saint myself. I realize and admit my mistakes. I did not want this to happen. I wished he had warned me more about his abandonment issues, how bad can it get, his insecurities so I know better and I don't do something hurtful. I think he did not because he was afraid to maybe limiting me, closing our relationship or losing people he is fucking or fucked? I am not really sure. I feel he also dumped me because even if I ended it with lovers he was afraid of me meeting someone new and dumping him.

But yes, after I saw his communication I really had a difficult time. I was shaking, feeling jealous to be replaced by this new American girl. Felt cold, literally cold and shaky although I was under a hot shower, which was making my skin red. I smoked a pack of cigarettes in no time and took a taxi in 3 am to meet him at my place and talk. We snuggled, talked. When we went to bed, he directly undressed me and while spooning grabbed my breast that made me extremely horny in this vulnerable and unstable moment after having cried for hours.

The next day we were fucking, me sometimes wondering if he is imagining her... He didn't want to see me go really, talked to me about staying married and maybe trying being together in a couple of years. The next day I woke up, feeling my insides burning, thinking about being his plan B. Feeling my self-esteem being crushed, feeling inferior, failure, less of a woman... Thinking about him forgetting me so easily, being with her, spending wonderful moments with her and me just being completely heartbroken and not being able to be in a close and committed relationship, which is my situation now. He was trying to convince me to go again for a sleepover, to hang out because he is leaving to the US soon... But I just could not let my feelings go.

I called him up and said I want no contact. Told him I asked a friend to be his emergency person if he needs someone who is a local and speaks our language. He told me in a way he is over it because he has done relationships and did all the compartmentalizing of what happened etc and whatever, stuff that made me feel bad that I cannot be just chill about being close sex friends and a plan B. He told me anyways, he was more productive while we were not speaking for a couple of days and did some music (also ouch). Anyways, I need to let go. No sex, no friendship, no contact.

About B guy: I text him when in difficulty, he knows more or less what's going on. Also said if he does not feel in a position for me to share this with him to always always tell me and I will not. We don't really have a relationship, he just finds me sexy and a good a person, the sex was amaaaazing. It would be nice to have support from someone who finds me sexy and is not just some random fuckboy, especially when I am feeling soooo insecure. I am not sure I want to be in a relationship, maybe I need more confidence to be able to do open again. I don't find myself jealous, actually. I thought if A told me he had sex with other people I would freak out. I didn't when he told me. What fucked with my head is him presenting himself as this big time victim and replacing me as a primary and a life partner. That is what really really hurts. Having had sex with other people was like, oh, ok, fine.

I want to be in an open or casual something but I need a person to be really honest with their intentions and abilities. And also to tell me, I want to know so I know what to expect. A was acting like he was never fucking other people, was super good at hiding it and communicating with me, which is also ok because I said I didn't want to know. Just his treatment of me was like... wtf, can't you relate?

About the B guy also - writing this to future sabrina also - he seems to have been through a lot of tough shit and the way he got through it was with a lot of self-discipline, trainings, steady routine, which I suspect involved also shutting himself emotionally a bit and being a bit not so emotionally open. I am not sure I would like to be with an emotionally shut guy as an opposite of my now ex or something. Just suspecting, don't know him that well, keeping it casual for now.

Thank you for your great support, people! Sending you a waaave of gratitude and virtual hugs!
 
I hope you feel better in airing some of that out. I am glad you have decided this:

I got to the no contact thing. It really cannot be otherwise.

I think that would be best. Remove yourself from the marriage to A. and reclaim your space once he's outta there. Don't go there alone. Take a friend with you if you need to get stuff.

Then rest and think about next steps and seeking a counselor. You've been through a lot. :(

Galagirl
 
Just a side observation.... this guy is still in your apartment? Why are you letting him live there and going no contact with him and basically giving him your apartment? Are you still paying for it? Is your name on the lease so that you're financially responsible? If so, why not just go there when he isn't home, change the locks and kick him out? You're couch surfing with a friend while he's mooching off of you.
 
breathemusic, because I love him and I loved our relationship and I would not show him the way when he is not in his own country or environment, not having close friends around. I am the privileged person in this situation. All of his stuff for making music is in the house, he wants to make new music before he goes, also he has a lot of stuff to collect before his flight to the US.

Still, there are times I just want to tell him to fuck off. But, I would not do that, my mama taught me better than that. Why do more stuff that will make him concentrate on my image as a person who fucked him over. When I am nice but with boundaries, it will give him space and a chance to think about where, when and how he fucked up also.

Also, it costs me nothing to this. It is not my lease, it is my uncle's, he lets me live there while I am studying so I have a home, I don't pay rent. I asked A for money for the bills, he agreed. Hope he keeps his word. I doubt that he will stay there, he has new girl he can't wait to see...

PS: Loving it to see how he calls me and I don't pick up. Messages me that he wants to ask me only a 5 min thing... Guilty pleasure. I wanted to live my life with this guy, he will understand now what a loyal person he is losing. That's the only "revenge" I will allow myself.
PS2: I have exams coming up that I need to survive through and study for. I have also decided on my thesis. When my exams are over, I am going to see a friend abroad. Then, if I am cool and not as emotional as now, I want to start journaling more so I get my therapist material to read. I will ask my mother for money for therapy because I cannot really afford it, I am a full-time student, trying to work seasonal jobs only.
 
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I appreciate you love (what you thought was) him. I'd be afraid to go no contact on a guy like this, a liar, when he's living in my (relative's) house. He could be vindictive and harm the apartment. When I broke up with my narcissist, he went out on my deck and broke my hummingbird feeder.

He can get a storage unit for his stuff. He's living there on your good graces. He could move his shit out before he goes back to the US to fuck that other woman.

When you were freezing cold in the hot shower, you were physically in shock. You're not "crazy." You're not forgetting things. He's gaslighting you.
 
I'm not afraid or distressed about that. There is security around the buildings and cameras, so nothing fatal can happen. Also, since he wants to keep me for later obviously, he knows it would be a bad move, he is smart.

There is nothing he could possibly do to the apartment that would be worse than breaking my heart...

I got a message "You're a great person. I'm sure I am making a terrible mistake."
Ha. What does he want me to do, beg him to stay? Cry more? Take all the blame and guilt on my shoulders? What would that change...
 
I'm not afraid or distressed about that. There is security around the buildings and cameras, so nothing fatal can happen. Also, since he wants to keep me for later obviously, he knows it would be a bad move, he is smart.

There is nothing he could possibly do to the apartment that would be worse than breaking my heart...

I got a message "You're a great person. I'm sure I am making a terrible mistake."
Ha. What does he want me to do, beg him to stay? Cry more? Take all the blame and guilt on my shoulders? What would that change...

It wouldn't change anything. He finds it entertaining to manipulate you, like a child playing with a Barbie doll. He is self centered and just dicking you around. Using your (uncle's) apartment. Using you for a green card. Keeping you on your toes so he can use you for sex when he gets back to your country. He is enjoying pulling your strings just to cause you pain. It's what this kind of person does. It keeps your attention on him and his behaviors, where every narcissist wants the attention, on them alone.

You deserve better.
 
Wow, I took another chance. He fucked with my head... I thought fuck, maybe he doesn't understand how much I love him because of his low self-esteem.

I called him up and literally begged him, like if he loves me to work through this, go see a therapist with me. I talked on the phone with him for 2 hours, recorded the conversations. It ended up with me going to him again in the middle of the night and us having sex again... But he doesn't want to be with me, he has plans with this new girl he wouldn't like to cancel and he just doesn't want to admit it and just let me go.

I had recorded our conversations. On the next day when I listened to them, I am the only one who is suffering and he just sounds cold and angry.
I confronted him about giving away all the stuff he bought for the house and presents he gave me. I told him that when I gave him presents these things are his and for him to decide what to do with. He got super pissed off and said stuff like: "WHAT ABOUT PROMISES THAT YOU GAVE ME"
...I was just like - "Don't pull this card on me. I am not the one having another relationship, making plans with a new person or telling another person how much I love them. And asking my partner that I am married to and who is begging suffering and asking me to make my mind up to sit here and wait. You don't love me, I deserve more than being someone's, as you said "safety net" when things don't work out with other people. Good luck, I hope she loves you better than me."
Fucking sadistic piece of shit. I'm done.
 
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I don't blame you, it sounds like he is treating you really badly. :mad:
 
I really wished he would realize how much I love him and hold onto him and want me back (yeah, because I love him, not because he loves me. He wants to be loved more, I believe.)... I cannot believe how pathetic I am. I still have these thoughts, even when I believe he is not a good person.

I cannot wait for him to go because with him being around it is really really hard for me to let go and be healthy without him. :(
I am starting to think I am codependent or something like that...
 
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You are recovering from betrayal. It's not stupid to be "I don't love him" and "I love him" up and down stuff.

If you think you are codependent, you could looK at CODA. Then bring it up when you see a counselor.

http://coda.org/

Galagirl
 
I wrote to his ex that he allegedly broke up with because of me. I regretted it later and deleted the message but she had read it and she responded.

She told me that's all he likes to do in general, going from person to person. That it was all how much he loves her when they were breaking up and seeking contact and attention all the time, apologizing etc.

She told me to run, that she cut all contact and he will not leave me unless I cut ALL ties with him. That she considers him an emotional abuser and she got into obsession throughout the break-up that made her go to a psychologist.

That validated my feelings a lot. I have been listening to youtube channels about narcissist abuse all day and abstaining from communicating from him because it is also hard for me.
 
I hope now that you heard from the ex you can see this has NOTHING do with you. This is how HE is. And he is not safe to be around.

Continue no contact and continue cutting ties.

When the date to leave comes, if he's still hanging around your uncle's flat? Considering getting the locks changed and put the stuff on the curb. Def don't go over there by yourself.

Galagirl
 
Last night was the first night when I actually slept more than a couple
of hours. There were 3 days of me not sleeping and chain smoking. Just
waves of cold, like the cold when it's not cold around but you feel it.
Shaking. Anxiety. Anger. Pain. Yesterday I tried my wedding suit on and
it was hanging on me, it was creepy.

Yesterday also though I came to terms with this situation. It was strange.
Me and him had a conversation I felt good about. After that, later on
when I read the texts again, he creepily and subtly was actually blaming
me. He wants to "suport" me through this and talk to me all the time,
even when I don't want to which made me angry at times. Like, I'm not a
bad person but how he felt was actually my fault. It's crazy, different
and intense feelings that I am having for short periods of time. So I
had an exam yesterday, took a taxi from the other part of town and got
to my place 40 mins before it. Just to see him. Just to hug him and cry.
We met later also and I told him I don't want to stand on his way, that
I will always love him, went to the airport together because he is going
to Berlin this week.
I was literally feeling peace and waves of love,
although he is leaving me. But also acceptance. I felt like I would like
us to be together again after some time. I wanted to scream that I love him.
My feelings are super inconsistent but I had reached the place of acceptance of what was going
on.

When we spoke this morning, I asked him if he agrees that if I wanted a
relationship with with him and another person, he would walk away from
me. But that people who love, forgive, even when hurt and that I know
that us being together is a bad idea. He said that if it happened when
things were good, maybe it could of been talked out. But when I met
someone, things were good. I told him I find that hardly believable that
he would accept what I would accept because I love him, since I didn't
even want to pursue relationships with other people even and he was
already freaking out. He said that could happen with communication,
honesty and respect but I tried to do that all the time... If he does
not recognize my efforts and believe my honesty there is nothing I can
do. He got again into me "promising" to not be with anyone after B. Yes,
I said that because I did not think I would meet another person. And
when I met another person I tried to renegotiate, be open and honest
about it, not do things behind his back.

And how does it happen that
when he meets another person he falls in love with, I am still ready to
accept that and be with him but that cannot happen to me? It happened to
him "out of nowhere" as he described it and he fell in love with this
girl. He describes sleeping with someone and trying to triangle me,
leave me, then triangle me with some kind of hierarchy with them as this
"divine" intention, while for me is my desire of a "free life", to be
read as "hoeing" around. He wants to be "close" friends and fuck. But I
should distance myself because he is selfish, I don't feel he really
deeply cares about me or what I am going through right now. He wants me
around and not to feel guilty about what he is doing. When I talk to him
I don't feel heard. I feel blamed.

I accept this situation. I don't think his relationship with her will
last, the way all of his relationships did not last because he is
looking for someone to take care of him and babysit him emotionally.
When people do not comply to everything he wants from them, he ditches
them but tries to keep them for sex. I had super uneasy feelings,
thinking that this whole relationship was fake and he never loved me.
That I was a fool, who let him try to have a three way with one ex,
another ex, then with this girl, had lovers all the time in between, how
could this person really care about me? Why did I except it, when at the
very start of our relationship he tried to convince me to have a
relationship with me and this old girlfriend of his from a long time ago
that he met at a festival again? Then, he saw that I was hurt and it was
too much and too soon (told me he loved me, letters, presents, blah-blah,
two weeks later, baaaam) for me and I was on the edge of cutting him
off, so he withdrew the offer and told me how he only wants to be with
me. He hates when I bring that up and downplays what intensity on his
side he put into our initial interactions and how misleading that was
for me. At the same time, he was trying to convince his ex from my country
right before me that he had just broken up with to have a threesome with
us... I did not know about that until yesterday. And he finds all that
so natural and like other people's feelings don't really matter. It
seemed to me like something very evil and user-y and I was freaking out
how did I let myself buy into that.

But in the end, he had and has feelings for me, although very
conditional. And in the end - it does not matter what his feelings were.
My love was real. My love is real. I own my love and my love is patient,
my love is forgiving and my love tried everything and was loyal. Now I
see him as a person with a problem, not evil, not plotting shit but just
completely disregarding the feelings of others, claiming everyone else
is doing that to him.

I see myself as more able and better than I thought with handling
things. I did not care he had lovers, I would accept another
relationship a partner would like to have. What hurt me was the way he
was playing with my feelings, does not relate with me although he has
done the same things much earlier on and the way he is leaving me and
how he was not clear and entirely honest about everything from the start
so I know what to expect. I am deserving of a person who can love the
way I can love. A person who, in some kind of an open relationship would
tell me - ok, I like to go out and have sex with someone sometimes,
would tell me all about it later, let me space to do it too and would be
entirely honest with me. A person who will not tell me in different and
unique ways how much they love me and express it so I give them love and
then ditch me when they are done playing around with me because I hurt
their fragile ego.

I am definitely going to see a therapist here because this was all too
much for me. I have super bad boundary issues I think, I let people take
control over me emotionally and physically way too easy. I care too much
what people think of me. I have issues dating from waaay back, some
unresolved baggage from past relationships also... I am actually excited
that I am growing stronger and surviving this and will have the great
opportunity to work on myself. I don't want to bottle things up inside,
become jaded or emotionally shut down (that's a very guy thing to do and
it annoys me).

Divorce is too expensive and he is leaving too soon for the States.
We are gonna sign a marriage agreement and later when he gets to Europe again and I also get the money.
If he disappears, well, I can still divorce him.
 
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Sounds like you are getting things worked out. And you're growing stronger. That is good to hear. It is okay to love someone but keep them at a distance because they are a toxic influence. A doesn't love you the way you love him. Save yourself for someone who will really appreciate you.
 
I hope you feel better for writing that out.

FWIW, this sticks out to me.

  • Now I see him as a person with a problem, not evil, not plotting shit but just completely disregarding the feelings of others, claiming everyone else is doing that to him.
  • I would accept another relationship a partner would like to have. What hurt me was the way he was playing with my feelings, does not relate with me although he has done the same things much earlier on and the way he is leaving me and how he was not clear and entirely honest about everything from the start so I know what to expect.
  • I am deserving of a person who can love the way I can love. A person who, in some kind of an open relationship would tell me - ok, I like to go out and have sex with someone sometimes, would tell me all about it later, let me space to do it too and would be entirely honest with me.
  • A person who will not tell me in different and unique ways how much they love me and express it so I give them love and then ditch me when they are done playing around with me because I hurt their fragile ego.
  • I am definitely going to see a therapist here because this was all too much for me. I have super bad boundary issues I think, I let people take control over me emotionally and physically way too easy. I care too much what people think of me. I have issues dating from waaay back, some unresolved baggage from past relationships also...
  • I am actually excited that I am growing stronger and surviving this and will have the great opportunity to work on myself. I don't want to bottle things up inside, become jaded or emotionally shut down (that's a very guy thing to do and it annoys me).
  • Divorce is too expensive and he is leaving too soon for the States. We are gonna sign a marriage agreement and later when he gets to Europe again and I also get the money. If he disappears, well, I can still divorce him.

You sound like you are doing a bit better. Yes, he has issues. No, you did not cause them.

Yes. You deserve love in the way you love -- open, honest, etc. No, he did not love you that way.

I'm glad you have plan to see a counselor for more support, are excited about working on yourself, and have a plan for signing a marriage agreement before he leaves as well as a back up plan if he disappears to divorce him without him present. Sometimes it comes to that.

Keep moving it forward.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Because the marriage agreement would make the assessment of who has what property more expensive, I dropped the offer.

A couple of days ago when I was crying that I don't have the money for divorce and I need to probably sell my body to have it, he told me he will pay for it. That he wants the money back, does not want to divorce me but will pay for it. I can work in the summer.

As he went away for a week, I grew suspicious and asked him for money for bills and divorce in cash. He told me he cannot, he will leave me his bank card. I said he can block this card at any time. He started making excuses, saying that he does not have the money. Asked me don't I trust him, what about me trusting him... And ASKED ME FOR SPACE, said that we cannot be "friends", that I cannot cry to him... I said fine, for me our communication was not beneficial and I didn't want it anyways. He wanted to be around to "support" me, told a friend of mine he would even give her money for a trip with me and for my counseling.... But does not have 500 dollars for divorce after working for 5 months in the US. The fact that he always wanted to keep contact was messing with my head in different ways. Now, when it came to the money and the fact that I want divorce, he ditched me. I got super crazy, full vindictive bitch mode on, I admit. But I am at the end of my abilities of patience and being nice.

Ah, wrong or right - I wrote to his new woman. She believes him, of course, although she mentioned some "white lies"...

I will work it out though.
 
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Ah, wrong or right - I wrote to his new woman. She believes him, of course, although she mentioned some "white lies"...

Don't write to his new woman any more. You have YOU to take care of. She can look out for herself.

But I am at the end of my abilities of patience and being nice.

Then stop being nice to him.

I said fine, for me our communication was not beneficial and I didn't want it anyways.

Do what YOU want and need, not what he wants.

Stop all contact unless it is for divorce papers.

Move it forward. You will find a way.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sitting here, finally in my own place. He finally left and he left a mess. I was cleaning the house all day, not being able to believe that this is over, wow. He left telling me that he did not want to go but he had no choice, I made him. God damn right I did! I am super grateful it is over because I am safe now, emotionally and physically.

I can get FOR SURE now get to the no contact at all thing finally because he does not live in my house. Oh, and he signed so I can get divorced without him. I had to find money for that myself because he refused to pay. He refused, then before he went offered me to leave his bank card. I just said no. He builds me up, then he tears me down. It had been like this for a long time now. I found out why what happened happened. It is called narcissistic abuse and at first I was reluctant to recognize it or call it that. Never saw such a refined (educated about psychological issues too!) manipulator.

A BIG THANK YOU to this forum and its' people to helping me through it, helping me see so I can go on my way of healing from this. :) Special hugs to Magdlyn and GalaGirl and Kevin!
 
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