IAmAnonymous
New member
My husband expressed to me several months back that he wanted to explore the idea of opening our marriage to polyamory. After much discussion, and much research (on my part) we decided to give it a try.
I am a highly emotional and often irrationally emotional person. And I told him that I may or may not be able to handle it. We decided to go through with it anyway. His specific desire was a closed Triad, so that is the only thing we pursued. In the beginning, I'm sad to say we did all the typical unicorn hunting stuff to try and find another girl (I later realized all the things we did wrong). We made joint dating profiles, etc. In the end, we met a girl organically and when she realized what we were looking for, she said she would like to try it out with us. So all three of us entered into our first poly relationship with zero experience. So now it's been three weeks. We had said we would go slow, but didn't really go slow. Almost immediately she was seeing one or both of us every day, coming over, and sometimes staying the night (non sexual). We had set two specific boundaries, one which was questionable (I see that now) and one which I was 100% firm on: 1) Since she was not open to the first sexual experience being shared between all of us, we agreed she would be intimate with me first (this is the questionable one). I expressed my hesitation with this, as I was pretty sure I would handle the situation better if the first time was together. Regardless, she wasn't comfortable so we agreed to that term. Not even a week into it, my husband started making comments about how it wasn't fair for her to have to wait to be sexually satisfied when we are able to be with each other whenever we felt the need or desire. I actually brought it up to her once and she said it was fine, and that she new she was coming into a relationship with an established couple. So then about two weeks into it, she and I got partially intimate (she wouldn't let me return the favor, claiming time constraints, and she did have to go to work so I can kind of see that). She and my husband were partially intimate the next night (oral), which I honestly was ok with the act, but not with the fact that I was sleeping in the next room. So I had a mini freak out about that, but we talked it put and got over it. After that happened, my husband continued to ask if I was ready, almost daily. I felt so much pressure, and guilty for denying them when technically the boundary had been met, so despite the fact that I thought I was ready, I said I was. Then they had sex, breaking the firm boundary (use a freaking condom) and I flipped out. Add to that my husband didn't message her the following morning because we were arguing (although I DID specifically tell him he should at least message her) and he didn't want to escalate it. We invited her over to talk last night (her place was not an option, by her choice), and she was very closed with how she felt, but said she wanted to continue trying. Then today she admitted to my husband bia text (her preferred communication) that she wasn't sure if/when she could let her guard down again. He asked me if I'd be ok if he went to talk to her in person, as he HATES texting about important stuff. I said that was fine. They had a very productive, open conversation, and she did say she wanted a break from some of it, but wanted to see if time could help her get past the hurt she felt. So he comes back from this long conversation and immediately tells me he needs me to do certain things for him to be happy. I won't go into details, but they are emotional reactions I do need to work on. But he wants immediate change, which I don't feel is possible. And the more I think about this, the more I feel that my reactions are due to me not being able to handle a poly relationship. When I tried to tell him this, he says I don't really feel that way, that I am looking for problems, and that I just need to be try harder and let myself be happy. But I'm not happy. Although I felt a deep emotional connection with her, I'm not totally feeling the physical stuff, and I keep having thoughts of not being good enough, etc, or that he is going to like her more because she is closed with her emotions, while I go batshit crazy over little stuff. I asked if there was one sex act I could have for myself and he said no, because she really likes it. So I feel I am.losing my husband to another woman. I feel like my feelings don't matter, only theirs do. I let myself be pressured into saying I was ready when I wasn't. And now I don't know what to do. I told him maybe if this is a deal breaker for him then I should step away. That all I want is for him to be happy which is why I tried this in the first place. But he keeps insisting I should keep trying to overcome my feelings. All I keep thinking about is the longer this draws out, the more all three of us could get hurt. I just really don't know what to do.
I am a highly emotional and often irrationally emotional person. And I told him that I may or may not be able to handle it. We decided to go through with it anyway. His specific desire was a closed Triad, so that is the only thing we pursued. In the beginning, I'm sad to say we did all the typical unicorn hunting stuff to try and find another girl (I later realized all the things we did wrong). We made joint dating profiles, etc. In the end, we met a girl organically and when she realized what we were looking for, she said she would like to try it out with us. So all three of us entered into our first poly relationship with zero experience. So now it's been three weeks. We had said we would go slow, but didn't really go slow. Almost immediately she was seeing one or both of us every day, coming over, and sometimes staying the night (non sexual). We had set two specific boundaries, one which was questionable (I see that now) and one which I was 100% firm on: 1) Since she was not open to the first sexual experience being shared between all of us, we agreed she would be intimate with me first (this is the questionable one). I expressed my hesitation with this, as I was pretty sure I would handle the situation better if the first time was together. Regardless, she wasn't comfortable so we agreed to that term. Not even a week into it, my husband started making comments about how it wasn't fair for her to have to wait to be sexually satisfied when we are able to be with each other whenever we felt the need or desire. I actually brought it up to her once and she said it was fine, and that she new she was coming into a relationship with an established couple. So then about two weeks into it, she and I got partially intimate (she wouldn't let me return the favor, claiming time constraints, and she did have to go to work so I can kind of see that). She and my husband were partially intimate the next night (oral), which I honestly was ok with the act, but not with the fact that I was sleeping in the next room. So I had a mini freak out about that, but we talked it put and got over it. After that happened, my husband continued to ask if I was ready, almost daily. I felt so much pressure, and guilty for denying them when technically the boundary had been met, so despite the fact that I thought I was ready, I said I was. Then they had sex, breaking the firm boundary (use a freaking condom) and I flipped out. Add to that my husband didn't message her the following morning because we were arguing (although I DID specifically tell him he should at least message her) and he didn't want to escalate it. We invited her over to talk last night (her place was not an option, by her choice), and she was very closed with how she felt, but said she wanted to continue trying. Then today she admitted to my husband bia text (her preferred communication) that she wasn't sure if/when she could let her guard down again. He asked me if I'd be ok if he went to talk to her in person, as he HATES texting about important stuff. I said that was fine. They had a very productive, open conversation, and she did say she wanted a break from some of it, but wanted to see if time could help her get past the hurt she felt. So he comes back from this long conversation and immediately tells me he needs me to do certain things for him to be happy. I won't go into details, but they are emotional reactions I do need to work on. But he wants immediate change, which I don't feel is possible. And the more I think about this, the more I feel that my reactions are due to me not being able to handle a poly relationship. When I tried to tell him this, he says I don't really feel that way, that I am looking for problems, and that I just need to be try harder and let myself be happy. But I'm not happy. Although I felt a deep emotional connection with her, I'm not totally feeling the physical stuff, and I keep having thoughts of not being good enough, etc, or that he is going to like her more because she is closed with her emotions, while I go batshit crazy over little stuff. I asked if there was one sex act I could have for myself and he said no, because she really likes it. So I feel I am.losing my husband to another woman. I feel like my feelings don't matter, only theirs do. I let myself be pressured into saying I was ready when I wasn't. And now I don't know what to do. I told him maybe if this is a deal breaker for him then I should step away. That all I want is for him to be happy which is why I tried this in the first place. But he keeps insisting I should keep trying to overcome my feelings. All I keep thinking about is the longer this draws out, the more all three of us could get hurt. I just really don't know what to do.