I don't think I can be poly

IAmAnonymous

New member
My husband expressed to me several months back that he wanted to explore the idea of opening our marriage to polyamory. After much discussion, and much research (on my part) we decided to give it a try.

I am a highly emotional and often irrationally emotional person. And I told him that I may or may not be able to handle it. We decided to go through with it anyway. His specific desire was a closed Triad, so that is the only thing we pursued. In the beginning, I'm sad to say we did all the typical unicorn hunting stuff to try and find another girl (I later realized all the things we did wrong). We made joint dating profiles, etc. In the end, we met a girl organically and when she realized what we were looking for, she said she would like to try it out with us. So all three of us entered into our first poly relationship with zero experience. So now it's been three weeks. We had said we would go slow, but didn't really go slow. Almost immediately she was seeing one or both of us every day, coming over, and sometimes staying the night (non sexual). We had set two specific boundaries, one which was questionable (I see that now) and one which I was 100% firm on: 1) Since she was not open to the first sexual experience being shared between all of us, we agreed she would be intimate with me first (this is the questionable one). I expressed my hesitation with this, as I was pretty sure I would handle the situation better if the first time was together. Regardless, she wasn't comfortable so we agreed to that term. Not even a week into it, my husband started making comments about how it wasn't fair for her to have to wait to be sexually satisfied when we are able to be with each other whenever we felt the need or desire. I actually brought it up to her once and she said it was fine, and that she new she was coming into a relationship with an established couple. So then about two weeks into it, she and I got partially intimate (she wouldn't let me return the favor, claiming time constraints, and she did have to go to work so I can kind of see that). She and my husband were partially intimate the next night (oral), which I honestly was ok with the act, but not with the fact that I was sleeping in the next room. So I had a mini freak out about that, but we talked it put and got over it. After that happened, my husband continued to ask if I was ready, almost daily. I felt so much pressure, and guilty for denying them when technically the boundary had been met, so despite the fact that I thought I was ready, I said I was. Then they had sex, breaking the firm boundary (use a freaking condom) and I flipped out. Add to that my husband didn't message her the following morning because we were arguing (although I DID specifically tell him he should at least message her) and he didn't want to escalate it. We invited her over to talk last night (her place was not an option, by her choice), and she was very closed with how she felt, but said she wanted to continue trying. Then today she admitted to my husband bia text (her preferred communication) that she wasn't sure if/when she could let her guard down again. He asked me if I'd be ok if he went to talk to her in person, as he HATES texting about important stuff. I said that was fine. They had a very productive, open conversation, and she did say she wanted a break from some of it, but wanted to see if time could help her get past the hurt she felt. So he comes back from this long conversation and immediately tells me he needs me to do certain things for him to be happy. I won't go into details, but they are emotional reactions I do need to work on. But he wants immediate change, which I don't feel is possible. And the more I think about this, the more I feel that my reactions are due to me not being able to handle a poly relationship. When I tried to tell him this, he says I don't really feel that way, that I am looking for problems, and that I just need to be try harder and let myself be happy. But I'm not happy. Although I felt a deep emotional connection with her, I'm not totally feeling the physical stuff, and I keep having thoughts of not being good enough, etc, or that he is going to like her more because she is closed with her emotions, while I go batshit crazy over little stuff. I asked if there was one sex act I could have for myself and he said no, because she really likes it. So I feel I am.losing my husband to another woman. I feel like my feelings don't matter, only theirs do. I let myself be pressured into saying I was ready when I wasn't. And now I don't know what to do. I told him maybe if this is a deal breaker for him then I should step away. That all I want is for him to be happy which is why I tried this in the first place. But he keeps insisting I should keep trying to overcome my feelings. All I keep thinking about is the longer this draws out, the more all three of us could get hurt. I just really don't know what to do.
 
With paragraphs

For ease of reading

My husband expressed to me several months back that he wanted to explore the idea of opening our marriage to polyamory. After much discussion, and much research (on my part) we decided to give it a try.

I am a highly emotional and often irrationally emotional person. And I told him that I may or may not be able to handle it. We decided to go through with it anyway. His specific desire was a closed Triad, so that is the only thing we pursued.

In the beginning, I'm sad to say we did all the typical unicorn hunting stuff to try and find another girl (I later realized all the things we did wrong). We made joint dating profiles, etc. In the end, we met a girl organically and when she realized what we were looking for, she said she would like to try it out with us. So all three of us entered into our first poly relationship with zero experience.

So now it's been three weeks. We had said we would go slow, but didn't really go slow. Almost immediately she was seeing one or both of us every day, coming over, and sometimes staying the night (non sexual). We had set two specific boundaries, one which was questionable (I see that now) and one which I was 100% firm on: 1) Since she was not open to the first sexual experience being shared between all of us, we agreed she would be intimate with me first (this is the questionable one). I expressed my hesitation with this, as I was pretty sure I would handle the situation better if the first time was together. Regardless, she wasn't comfortable so we agreed to that term.

Not even a week into it, my husband started making comments about how it wasn't fair for her to have to wait to be sexually satisfied when we are able to be with each other whenever we felt the need or desire. I actually brought it up to her once and she said it was fine, and that she new she was coming into a relationship with an established couple.

So then about two weeks into it, she and I got partially intimate (she wouldn't let me return the favor, claiming time constraints, and she did have to go to work so I can kind of see that). She and my husband were partially intimate the next night (oral), which I honestly was ok with the act, but not with the fact that I was sleeping in the next room. So I had a mini freak out about that, but we talked it put and got over it. After that happened, my husband continued to ask if I was ready, almost daily. I felt so much pressure, and guilty for denying them when technically the boundary had been met, so despite the fact that I thought I was ready, I said I was.

Then they had sex, breaking the firm boundary (use a freaking condom) and I flipped out. Add to that my husband didn't message her the following morning because we were arguing (although I DID specifically tell him he should at least message her) and he didn't want to escalate it. We invited her over to talk last night (her place was not an option, by her choice), and she was very closed with how she felt, but said she wanted to continue trying. Then today she admitted to my husband bia text (her preferred communication) that she wasn't sure if/when she could let her guard down again. He asked me if I'd be ok if he went to talk to her in person, as he HATES texting about important stuff. I said that was fine.

They had a very productive, open conversation, and she did say she wanted a break from some of it, but wanted to see if time could help her get past the hurt she felt. So he comes back from this long conversation and immediately tells me he needs me to do certain things for him to be happy. I won't go into details, but they are emotional reactions I do need to work on. But he wants immediate change, which I don't feel is possible. And the more I think about this, the more I feel that my reactions are due to me not being able to handle a poly relationship.

When I tried to tell him this, he says I don't really feel that way, that I am looking for problems, and that I just need to be try harder and let myself be happy. But I'm not happy. Although I felt a deep emotional connection with her, I'm not totally feeling the physical stuff, and I keep having thoughts of not being good enough, etc, or that he is going to like her more because she is closed with her emotions, while I go batshit crazy over little stuff. I asked if there was one sex act I could have for myself and he said no, because she really likes it. So I feel I am.losing my husband to another woman. I feel like my feelings don't matter, only theirs do. I let myself be pressured into saying I was ready when I wasn't. And now I don't know what to do.

I told him maybe if this is a deal breaker for him then I should step away. That all I want is for him to be happy which is why I tried this in the first place. But he keeps insisting I should keep trying to overcome my feelings. All I keep thinking about is the longer this draws out, the more all three of us could get hurt. I just really don't know what to do.
 
Your husband is pressuring you, dismissing how you feel, breaking agreements, and asking the impossible. None of that is kind loving behaviour.

I suggest that your bigger problem may be this domineering dynamics with your husband.

You may even be able to handle some kind of poly under different circumstances - that is, if you want to.

Please don't view your reactions as out of place. Anyone would be upset about breaking agreements.

Plus, I suggest you are not taking enough precaution to give yourself personal space, like not being next door when sex happens, time to adjust to the poly situation, and ... not doing a closed triad when you don't feel up to a closed triad.

Definitely do step back in one way or another: Don't date the girl he wants to date, divorce ;), ask him to date only out of your shared home, or whatever you find suitable. You can't force him to be monogamous with you, but your participation is entirely up to you.

The last thing I'll say is, pick up therapy (like now) and ask the therapist to help you develop healthy boundaries. Learn to radically respect your own likes and dislikes. I'm not saying it because you need to "fix yourself", but because I know you are able to self-reflect and benefit from it. Your husband? No idea if he would benefit from therapy. But you can. It will be a tough ride though. You are used to letting your husband step all over you, otherwise, this would not happen.

Sending much strength your way \^.^/
 
As you've acknowledged, this may be an incompatibility that has evolved and means you no longer work as spouses. However, I'm going to speak as if there is still a chance this could work for you. Please bear in mind that although my general philosophy remains consistent, my advice would differ if I was speaking to the other people involved in this situation so I don't want you to think what I'm saying does not coincide with what I might have said somewhere else on the forum to someone in some similar circumstance.

A mistake people often make is thinking that a closed Triad takes less "poly powers" than other types of polyamory. The "seasoned" amongst us will tell you otherwise. In fact, for a lot of us that have done this quite successfully for years, it only works because we do not have the closed Triad and/or "kitchen poly" style of relationship. We don't have to deal with the fact our partners also have sex and love each other and all that comes with that. Most things one might assume are a benefit are rarely a given just from having that relationship structure.

You have to have the structure AND people who thrive under those conditions. Especially that newer person. They have to be genuinely fulfilled by the emotional and physical availability of the established couple knowing that availability might never increase and could possibly decrease through no fault of their own.

Based on this, my advice is for people to prepare themselves for the reality of polyamory and not "polyamory with the illusion of safety of the closed triad". Because that's what it is, an illusion.

You're part the way there with some of this. You've acknowledged how you fit the Unicorn Hunter profile and seem to understand how that is problematic. You've seen that making rules about sex doesn't really work because desire and attraction play such a huge part in making sex healthy and happy for everyone. You've seen that some of the rules you have set are somewhat unfair to this new women you have bonded with. I think now it is time to relinquish those rules and stop trying to control their relationship. Instead, develop personal boundaries.

I have quite an unpopular opinion that condoms are rarely practical as a long term sole protection against unwanted pregnancy and STDs. Maybe because of my own experience where I tend to slack off of my own standards once I'm in a long term relationship with someone who shares my views on risk. Based on behavior thus far, I'd assume that your husband won't be reliably using barrier protection with this woman and plan accordingly. This could mean discussing as a 3 how you're going to go about reducing risk and coming to a common consensus about testing and the such or it could mean you go back to using condoms with your husband.

You seem to not like to be in the house when your husband and this woman have sex. You might need to discuss with your husband how to approach this. He may take the view that it is his home as well as yours and he wants to host his partner on occasion. You will then have to negotiate to find a way to accommodate that without you feeling like you've been thrown out. Especially at a frequency where you're unable to find alternative things to do/places to be. Others keep their homes as a "safe haven" where other partners do not come either at all, or just sex is off limits. They use either their partner's home for that or hotels.

It's true that you cannot control your emotional REactions, but you can control your ACTIONS. Your husband might need to set his own boundaries as he is within his rights to say that he will not give up polyamory/this person. He can say that he will not accept calls/texts when he is with her and he can ask that you do not plague him with non emergency calls/texts while he is with her. I don't think that is unreasonable for him to ask and you to follow, even if you don't want him to be poly.

What neither of you can expect is that you won't want to call/text or how you otherwise feel about the situation. That part is the REaction.

Establish these boundaries around safer sex and the home. That will go some way into making the relationship about three individuals rather than a couple and an add on which ultimately helps everyone. That way, you can have space to develop your relationship with her at a pace suited to you and they can do the same. Over time, how you work as a 3 (whether that's as a triad or a vee) will organically evolve.

I think while you and your husband agree to stay together knowing this impasse exists, you have a responsibility to find ways to make it work for everyone. That means you acknowledging that you're staying with someone who needs polyamory. Him acknowledging that he is staying with someone who would much prefer to be monogamous. And her acknowledging that she is involved with a couple who are at this impasse.

She needs to know this so she can opt not to be involved OR commit to abiding by solutions that appease your side of things. Like using hotels for sex for example.
 
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I feel like my feelings don't matter, only theirs do. I let myself be pressured into saying I was ready when I wasn't. And now I don't know what to do. I told him maybe if this is a deal breaker for him then I should step away. That all I want is for him to be happy which is why I tried this in the first place. But he keeps insisting I should keep trying to overcome my feelings. All I keep thinking about is the longer this draws out, the more all three of us could get hurt. I just really don't know what to do.

WHY is it only your husband's feelings that matter? Are you not worthy of living a happy life yourself?
 
Unfortunately, this is another case where the person who needs to be told what to do is not the one asking for advice. I would tell your husband he needs to listen to you.

You need to figure out what you want. You say you only wanted to try this to make him happy. Does that mean you aren't actually bi? Are you bi but would rather pursue it on your own? Would you be happier just staying monogamous? These are the sort of questions you need to ask yourself.

People (couples especially) seem to fall into several traps when it comes to triads, and poly in general. One is that triad=threesome. Threesomes are great if you are into that, but it's not required. The second is the whole tit for tat thing. Try not worrying about what they are doing (except maybe the condom thing, but is that for birth control or safer sex? Did you and her use barriers as well?). The best way to do a triad is to let each pairing go at it's own pace.

Jealousy is a common issue that can be worked through, but hubby shouldn't expect to snap his fingers and you fix it.

In the end you may decide you really don't want poly. Then the two of you need to decide where to go from there.
 
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I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

I am a highly emotional and often irrationally emotional person.

I'm surprised you say that actually. Your post seemed pretty straight and collected given the unfortunate circumstances. I wonder if this is more of your husband telling you how you feel? Saying that you are highly emotional and irrational?

All I keep thinking about is the longer this draws out, the more all three of us could get hurt. I just really don't know what to do.

To be honest? This isn't polyamory sounding to me. This was opening the marriage underprepared and jumping into sex too fast. You've only been dating this woman 3 weeks. Where's the "many loves" part of "polyamory" being given the TIME to grow? And why's she over so much? You can't tell her to slow it down and not come over so much?

I agree with Tinwen.

I think you could be honest with your spouse: You held up your end of the deal. You tried it. You have now decided you don't want to do this. It is not for you. Not like this.

That means...

1) You call this a wonky opening, and fix the "like this. "

  • Since she herself is hesitant now? Break up with her. Work on your marriage, knowledge, and skills before trying another opening and that time date SEPARATELY rather than trying to force a triad.
  • Keep seeing her. But NOT as a triad. Either you date her or he dates her but NOT both. Let it be a V instead. While also working on your marriage, knowledge, and skills.

2) You break up with hubby, because it is TOTALLY not for you and he still wants to. No amount of changing the "like this" will help, because it is just NOT for you. Respect your own personal limits.

If he wants details? You have plenty. None of this is kind or loving behavior on his part:

  • You did not enjoy him pestering you daily about sex
  • You did not enjoy him breaking the boundary about using condoms with others. (You may decide the boundary is condoms on with YOU, because then you know they are used or not)
  • You don't enjoy him telling you that you need to do certain things for him to happy (ie: making you responsible for his emotional management)
  • Him wanting immediate change with your emotional reactions (?) even though he's the one provoking some of them
  • Him IGNORING when you tell him how you feel - "When I tried to tell him this, he says I don't really feel that way, that I am looking for problems, and that I just need to be try harder and let myself be happy."

You are the one inside you -- not him. So how does he know what you really feel or don't feel? What he is doing is MINIMIZING what you feel when you tell him because he doesn't like hearing it. And at the same time doing some shaming talk to try to get his way anyway. You write a LOT about "feeling pressure" -- well... who is the one pressuring you? Hubby.

If he HAS to have polyamory now? And you tried and decided you don't want any? If you and spouse have become incompatible over this? YOU can decide it is a dealbreaker for you. YOU can decide to step away.

Then he is free TO pursue poly how he wants. And you are free FROM poly stuff you do not want and any more hurt.

I can imagine it must feel VERY hard right now. But the actions are straightforward.

  • STOP doing stuff you don't really want to do.
  • STOP saying you are ok with things that you are really NOT ok with.
That is not treating yourself with dignity or self respect. :(

You can also
  • START speaking your truth firmly, state were YOU stand
  • START calling hubby on it when he does poor behavior at you.

If he keeps on pressuring you... ask yourself why he does that? Pressure you and act like a bully? Is that kind and loving behavior? :(

It doesn't have to be a triad model, and it doesn't even have to be with you. He can do poly on his own. So what's the pressuring you for?

Galagirl
 
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Can I just reiterate that it has been *three weeks*? This is NOT long enough to be talking about divorce over a triad gone wrong. But perhaps I'm a person that moves slowly so I don't understand...
 
Long story short:

All three of you are holding the others hostage to make yourselves feel better. Lots of blame all around. Lots of needing the others to change in order for one to feel OK. Whether there are two or three people involved, this is a recipe for an unstable, emotional mess. You do not have to wait for anyone else to get right in order to feel better about this. Sure, everyone else can be better in how s/he is handling this situation, but really, that is none of your business and not even within your ability to change. What are you doing or thinking differently in order to improve your experience of this?


I am a highly emotional and often irrationally emotional person. And I told him that I may or may not be able to handle it. We decided to go through with it anyway. ....I expressed my hesitation with this, as I was pretty sure I would handle the situation better if the first time was together. Regardless, she wasn't comfortable so we agreed to that term. ....despite the fact that I thought I was [wasn't?] ready, I said I was. .....I feel that my reactions are due to me not being able to handle a poly relationship. ....I'm not totally feeling the physical stuff, and I keep having thoughts of not being good enough, etc, or that he is going to like her more because she is closed with her emotions, while I go batshit crazy over little stuff. ....I feel like my feelings don't matter, only theirs do. I let myself be pressured into saying I was ready when I wasn't.

Nobody can pressure us into saying we are ready. Nobody can make us feel as if our feelings do not matter. You are the only person who can do this or not do this to yourself. Focusing on what he can do better and what she can do better isn't going to move you to any place that feels remotely good. What are you doing about your inclination to dismiss and devalue your own wishes and feelings?
 
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I have quite an unpopular opinion that condoms are rarely practical as a long term sole protection against unwanted pregnancy and STDs. Maybe because of my own experience where I tend to slack off of my own standards once I'm in a long term relationship with someone who shares my views on risk. Based on behavior thus far, I'd assume that your husband won't be reliably using barrier protection with this woman and plan accordingly. This could mean discussing as a 3 how you're going to go about reducing risk and coming to a common consensus about testing and the such or it could mean you go back to using condoms with your husband.

The condoms were more to prevent pregnancy. I do not use condoms with my husband because i am unable to get pregnant (none of us want kids, although she is only 22 so no idea if her feelings will change in this). Husband also has been told he cant have kids, but he has also been receiving injections for extremely low T levels for quite some time. I am not sure which drug he is using (they do the injections in the office, and we havent requested the records yet) and a few I have read about decrease fertility and others increase it.

You seem to not like to be in the house when your husband and this woman have sex. You might need to discuss with your husband how to approach this.

The thing is, when i picked her up that evening, we discussed it. I knew they had had far less one on one time than she and i had because of work schedules (mine is more in sync with hers, and super flexible). So I suggested that even though I needed to go to bed fairly early for a work commitment in the morning, they could hang out after I went to bed. I expressed that it would make me feel weird if they did stuff with me in the next room. She specifically told me she had no intention of doing anything other than kissing/making out with him, which I was fine with. Honestly, i wasn't mad they had oral sex, I was upset over the circumstances. i know intentions can change in the moment, but I also know that if I knew someone was uncomfortable with something, and I told them I understood that, then acting on it anyway is still hurtful and disrespectful to the other person.
 
WHY is it only your husband's feelings that matter? Are you not worthy of living a happy life yourself?

I think I am worthy of that, but every time I say something that does not fit with how they (mostly he) feels they should be going and at what pace, he says I am being selfish, and that my emotions are not the only ones that matter. i try telling him i understand they are not the ONLY ones that matter, but that they still matter, and i am called selfish, and told i am deliberately trying to sabotage the relationship.
 
Unfortunately, this is another case where the person who needs to be told what to do is not the one asking for advice. I would tell your husband he needs to listen to you.

You need to figure out what you want. You say you only wanted to try this to make him happy. Does that mean you aren't actually bi? Are you bi but would rather pursue it on your own? Would you be happier just staying monogamous? These are the sort of questions you need to ask yourself.

People (couples especially) seem to fall into several traps when it comes to triads, and poly in general. One is that triad=threesome. Threesomes are great if you are into that, but it's not required. The second is the whole tit for tat thing. Try not worrying about what they are doing (except maybe the condom thing, but is that for birth control or safer sex? Did you and her use barriers as well?). The best way to do a triad is to let each pairing go at it's own pace.

Jealousy is a common issue that can be worked through, but hubby shouldn't expect to snap his fingers and you fix it.

In the end you may decide you really don't want poly. Then the two of you need to decide where to go from there.

I am bi. I have acknowledged this and been open with it since years before I ever met him. However, I have always been mono, and never considered an alternative option to that before about 3-4 months ago. I have not figured out yet if I want to pursue poly on my own or if i just want to be mono. That is a big part of my dilemma. He has expressed that if I were to pursue someone else, it had to be a female, which I do not agree with. Just because he is hetero does not mean that it is any different for him to be with another woman than it is for me to be with another man. So in truth, I think I am closer to pan than bi, because i have no regard for gender in my attraction to others. I am attracted to people, not genders, races, or even body types.

I never was thinking triad=threesome, but we had already communicated we were all interested in that happening eventually. I had (have, but too late now) strong feelings that I would have been more comfortable with a threesome happening for the first intimate encounters, but out of respect for her, agreed to the one on one stuff first. Never was it in my mind to force that issue, but it was discussed as something that would come after the solo encounters. And not for EVERY encounter by any means.
 
I'm sorry you deal in this. :(



I'm surprised you say that actually. Your post seemed pretty straight and collected given the unfortunate circumstances. I wonder if this is more of your husband telling you how you feel? Saying that you are highly emotional and irrational?



To be honest? This isn't polyamory sounding to me. This was opening the marriage underprepared and jumping into sex too fast. You've only been dating this woman 3 weeks. Where's the "many loves" part of "polyamory" being given the TIME to grow? And why's she over so much? You can't tell her to slow it down and not come over so much?

I agree with Tinwen.

I think you could be honest with your spouse: You held up your end of the deal. You tried it. You have now decided you don't want to do this. It is not for you. Not like this.

That means...

1) You call this a wonky opening, and fix the "like this. "

  • Since she herself is hesitant now? Break up with her. Work on your marriage, knowledge, and skills before trying another opening and that time date SEPARATELY rather than trying to force a triad.
  • Keep seeing her. But NOT as a triad. Either you date her or he dates her but NOT both. Let it be a V instead. While also working on your marriage, knowledge, and skills.

2) You break up with hubby, because it is TOTALLY not for you and he still wants to. No amount of changing the "like this" will help, because it is just NOT for you. Respect your own personal limits.

If he wants details? You have plenty. None of this is kind or loving behavior on his part:

  • You did not enjoy him pestering you daily about sex
  • You did not enjoy him breaking the boundary about using condoms with others. (You may decide the boundary is condoms on with YOU, because then you know they are used or not)
  • You don't enjoy him telling you that you need to do certain things for him to happy (ie: making you responsible for his emotional management)
  • Him wanting immediate change with your emotional reactions (?) even though he's the one provoking some of them
  • Him IGNORING when you tell him how you feel - "When I tried to tell him this, he says I don't really feel that way, that I am looking for problems, and that I just need to be try harder and let myself be happy."

You are the one inside you -- not him. So how does he know what you really feel or don't feel? What he is doing is MINIMIZING what you feel when you tell him because he doesn't like hearing it. And at the same time doing some shaming talk to try to get his way anyway. You write a LOT about "feeling pressure" -- well... who is the one pressuring you? Hubby.

If he HAS to have polyamory now? And you tried and decided you don't want any? If you and spouse have become incompatible over this? YOU can decide it is a dealbreaker for you. YOU can decide to step away.

Then he is free TO pursue poly how he wants. And you are free FROM poly stuff you do not want and any more hurt.

I can imagine it must feel VERY hard right now. But the actions are straightforward.

  • STOP doing stuff you don't really want to do.
  • STOP saying you are ok with things that you are really NOT ok with.
That is not treating yourself with dignity or self respect. :(

You can also
  • START speaking your truth firmly, state were YOU stand
  • START calling hubby on it when he does poor behavior at you.

If he keeps on pressuring you... ask yourself why he does that? Pressure you and act like a bully? Is that kind and loving behavior? :(

It doesn't have to be a triad model, and it doesn't even have to be with you. He can do poly on his own. So what's the pressuring you for?

Galagirl

Oh, where do I start with this? I guess bit by bit.

One thing I forgot to mention, which plays into some of this: She had a crush on him before I ever met her. They met through work, and they started texting, and I told him she was interested but he didn't think so. She mentioned she was bi, he mentioned we were seeking someone to join our relationship, and it kind of moved from there. I knew he was attracted to her, but i also 100% trust he never would have acted on that if he didn't think I was ok with it. She claims (I honestly don't know her well enough to trust everything she says) she never would have acted on it either.

Regarding the overemotional and irrational, yes he tells me this ALL THE TIME. When I get excited, whether it be triggered by something positive or negative, I get loud. When the cause is negative, I yell, I cry, I interrupt, I storm out of the room (or lately, out of the house) and need to calm down before proceeding. His response is to tell me I am acting like a 5 year old. You can imagine how well that works in calming me down.

Also, I agree we went into it too fast. I felt pushed by both of them to jump into the intimate stuff. We said we were going to go slow. In my husband's mind, 3 weeks is too long. I told him we were not intimate for over a month when we met 10 years ago and he disagrees (but I am a sentimental female who writes down all of those dates, so I know EXACTLY when it happened, even showed him, and he still says I'm wrong, and that he never would have waited that long). Not only that, but this is a completely different structure, and much more fragile than a culture-normative hetero-monogamous relationship. But he was so concerned about her being sexually frustrated he brought it up almost daily. And she went down on me but would not let me go down on her, as I mentioned, which very often makes me feel like she was only ever initiating that because she knew that was what needed to happen for her to be with my husband. That's where it is important to know she had a crush on him first.

She came over so much because she lives at her job (literally) and until us, went out very rarely. She came over to play video games (with him, I'm not into them) and watch tv a couple times, then took a night at her place and said she was so bored, so she kept coming over. I admit I was a bit caught up in NRE so I let it happen, and am just as much at fault for that. I thought since it was time spent in non-sexual activities, that it would be fine, but later realized I felt I had no alone time with my husband other than while we were sleeping or having sex, and when I communicated that to him he said we spend all our free time together, not even acknowledging that 90% of that time is now spent with her as well.
 
Most mono couples who decide to Open, and are successful, take at least a year, or two, if not three, to research polyamory before they actually start dating. It's a very different mindset. Going poly means your old mono one on one marriage is dead and a whole new relationship has emerged.

Obviously this takes time to adjust to.

Your h is being extremely pushy. It sounds like him telling you, your feelings don't matter, shouldn't even exist. And it sounds like you're going along with this. You call yourself overly, even irrationally emotional. Does this come from your childhood? Do you feel you don't matter? Or others matter more than you? Are you a people pleaser?

Some Christians are taught as children, to put their own needs last. Jesus first, then others, then yourself. Always taking care of others and having little regard for our own well-being is a recipe for unhappiness.

So, there's all that. The next problem is attempting a triad as your first poly foray. There are all kinds of reasons newbie polys do this: to prioritize and "protect" the original couple, to satisfy a FMF sex fantasy (usually of the male's), to allow the coupled bi female to explore her bisexuality but still "share" that exploration with her male partner.

This all may sound OK, and the perfect solution, but the reality is, a triad is a graduate level relationship shape. It's 3 Vs stacked up.

you+h
you+new woman
h+new woman

Then all 3 of you together.

All these Vs and the 3some need to be balanced, nurtured, allowed to progress naturally. People should be talking about their emotions and their fears, needs and desires. Their boundaries should be known to all, and enforced.

Triads do NOT prevent jealousy or envy or feelings of being displaced or neglected from arising. In reality, there is less envy, displacement, etc., if you're not both vying for the attentions of the same person.

One or the other or all 3 of you are feeling infatuation, or new relationship energy, NRE. This is a hormonal, sexual, bonding state. Obviously it's happening, since you'd thought you'd all go slow, and yet, new woman is at your house every day, and even overnights already!

It's up to you to stand up for yourself and slow things down. Realize your emotions are normal through this huge adjustment. This is like immediately trying to compete in the Olympics when you've only been training at walking to the supermarket from your car.

Your h, and maybe the gf, are thinking with their genitals. Not their brains. You're feeling things, you're thinking things, you have reservations, and you are allowed to value your own agency in all this mess.
 
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Hello IAmAnonymous,

I am inclined to think that it may have been okay if your husband would have asked to renegotiate the rule about condoms *before* he had sex with your girlfriend. It was not okay for him to simply break the rule without asking. As for the rule itself, my take on it would somewhat depend on whether it was for STD protection or birth control or both. If you were going to have a closed triad, your girlfriend could have had herself tested and as long as she tested negative, the three of you could have committed to only have sex with each other, and that would have solved the STD problem. If it's about birth control, there may be other ways besides condoms. A vasectomy, an IUD, etc.

Your husband repeatedly insists that you do not feel the way you feel, that you are looking for problems and that you should just be happy and stop being upset. This is not reasonable of him. You can't just pick and choose your emotions at will and he can't be the one who knows how you feel. You are having difficulty coping with polyamory, but that might not be because of you, but rather because of how he is acting. He insists that you can only date other women, not men, and that is not fair either. Maybe you can be poly, and maybe you can't, but right now you don't know because you haven't been given a fair chance to test the possibility. For starters, three weeks is too short a time to expect you to adjust.

Your girlfriend is having some reservations of her own, so, this may be a good time for the three of you to take a break. Possibly for her to stop coming over for awhile, maybe even hold off on texting. Then, during the break, spend some time learning more about poly, and considering your options. There is a book you may want to read, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It is easy to read and gives you lots of opportunities to decide what would work for you. Also continuing to read and post in this thread and on this forum will help you learn more about poly and how it relates to your situation. Keep us updated on how things are going, and we'll be able to give you updated advice.

Hopefully we've been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm glad to hear you have a counseling appointment with a poly counselor. They may be better able to help you sort things out.

I could be wrong. But to me it sounds like your husband's behavior is what sometimes provokes you. So not fair to do provoking things, then when you react/respond to that behavior, tell you that you react/react "wrong" or are being "childish."

I felt pushed by both of them to jump into the intimate stuff. We said we were going to go slow. In my husband's mind, 3 weeks is too long. I told him we were not intimate for over a month when we met 10 years ago and he disagrees...

Sounds like "slow" meant different things to different people. Agreed to something without knowing what "slow" was.

To me it sounds like he wants what he wants and he's not going to agree that 3 weeks is too fast. To you it is fast. To him it might not be. But that is a side conversation.

The problem is you feeling pushed.

1) Since she was not open to the first sexual experience being shared between all of us, we agreed she would be intimate with me first (this is the questionable one).

That agreement set you up as the "gatekeeper" to sex between him and her. Intentional or not. I don't think that served any of you well.

I think each leg needs space to develop at it's own speed. If you want to go slow and they want to go fast -- well... could let each leg be its own way at this point. Instead of agreements that put people in awkward positions, instead make sex agreements that are actually keepable -- like using birth control and safer sex practices.

Not only that, but this is a completely different structure, and much more fragile than a culture-normative hetero-monogamous relationship.

Right now you are hesitant and she's hesitant... could take a time out to sort out whatever feelings/misunderstandings/faulty agreements. If this whole triad thing is fragile, RUSHING people is not gonna help.

But he was so concerned about her being sexually frustrated he brought it up almost daily.

Daily? That sounds obsessive to me. If she's sexually frustrated, she can solve it -- masturbate, see someone else, etc. She was doing her stuff before you guys arrived on the scene. She can handle it. I think HE was feeling frustrated. And if so, could have asked to renegotiate agreement.


And she went down on me but would not let me go down on her, as I mentioned, which very often makes me feel like she was only ever initiating that because she knew that was what needed to happen for her to be with my husband.

Possible. All the more reason to stop "forcing a triad" and let the gatekeeping agreement go. Instead make sex agreements that are actually keepable.

She came over so much because she lives at her job (literally) and until us, went out very rarely.

She could go out more if she's bored of being home. It doesn't have to always be at your house. You could speak up to BOTH of them about that. The need for time alone, time as couples, and time in trio. Something more balanced. And not always at your house. There's her house, parks, restaurants, etc.

I thought since it was time spent in non-sexual activities, that it would be fine, but later realized I felt I had no alone time with my husband other than while we were sleeping or having sex, and when I communicated that to him he said we spend all our free time together, not even acknowledging that 90% of that time is now spent with her as well.

Not acknowledging you -- is this is problem in the marriage before poly?

Now it sounds like it has become poly hell to the max. Maybe it helps if all of you read that?

I have not figured out yet if I want to pursue poly on my own or if i just want to be mono. That is a big part of my dilemma. He has expressed that if I were to pursue someone else, it had to be a female, which I do not agree with. Just because he is hetero does not mean that it is any different for him to be with another woman than it is for me to be with another man. So in truth, I think I am closer to pan than bi, because i have no regard for gender in my attraction to others. I am attracted to people, not genders, races, or even body types.

Why does he get to pick who you date? You don't get to pick who he dates. Is this one of those cases where he says "let's do poly" but really he means "poly only for me?" Or a one penis policy?

I think you guys went in too fast and underprepared. You sound like you are realizing that. And now want to slow down and think out what you REALLY want. Which is natural and ok to do. If your main concern is being more hurt? YOU can choose to slow down. Back off on some stuff. Take the time YOU need to think.

Whatever they keep on doing on their leg? You don't have to participate in that. You can say "This is too fast for me. I'm going to slow my side down. I want to see my poly counselor first. Y'all do what you do on your side."

A triangle doesn't have to be equilateral. Each side can develop at its own speed. Groups sex is not a requirement.

You + him
You + her
Him + her

Talk to your therapist about how much you need to back off to feel ok again.

Does it mean stop trying to practice a triad? And date separately?
  • Practice a V model where they date each other and you don't date her? She's only your meta, not your meta AND your GF?
  • You get clear on time spent with her and time spent with you?

Does it mean you review whether or not you and husband are still compatible?
  • Is this behavior temporary like him carried away with the NRE?
  • Or has he often been this way in the marriage where it's all his way and you are "selfish and irrational" if you object or have a different opinion and you are just realizing it?

Does it mean...

  • Something else?
  • Or several things at once?

I'm not saying to just leap into divorce. But it's an option on the table if he has decided from this point forward he MUST have poly, and you have decided that you DO NOT want it at all and you prefer a Closed monogamous marriage. These things are incompatible.

If the goal is less hurt? Bending yourself into pretzels to keep on doing poly when you don't really want to be doing poly at all? Then dragging that phase out until someone pops? That just sounds worse to me than accepting it. :(

In addition, if there were problems in the marriage before poly? Well... poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks.

So I think it is a good idea to slow down and talk to your counselor so you can figure out what you want to be doing and then how to do it.

Galagirl
 
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I'm loathe to say that anything is "too fast" or "too slow" when it comes to sex except for when you're talking about yourself. I don't think any of us can judge whether waiting 3 weeks plus is too long for your husband and someone else. I can say that anyone trying to dictate when I should have sex with someone else would be "too much" for me.

To me, trying to guilt him into slowing down is pointless and also, I think it is wrong. I think one thing he has been clear about is that he wants to be polyamorous, even, seemingly, at the cost of your marriage although he hopes it won't cost that price.

I think it is very easy for you to become the controlling party here. I've seen relationships where the mono preferring partner controls all relationships for years because they feel the poly person owes them for changing the script. That's why I think it is important for all of you to acknowledge that you are choosing to remain a married couple and she is choosing to stay involved. Nobody pretends to be a victim or forced to stay.

One of the mistakes new couples can make when they insist on a closed Triad is setting things up so the newer person has no choice other than to play up their feelings for one or even both of the partners. From the time she felt as if she had to be into you to be with him, the chances of her being disingenuous about her feelings rose significantly.

This is another reason why the "package deal" usually backfires on the "package". You go in needing someone who will be honest with you but you foster an environment where they can't be without being rejected/excluded.

I agree about the one sided poly thing. You and your husband both have to let go of wanting to control each other's other relationships. Even if you do end up always having the same partners. So another boundary I'd make is that "I choose my own partner(s) and give my partner(s) space to do the same". That leaves room for triads, vees, monogamy or for you to be single. Husband can gain empathy for your position and all the work you will do by doing the same amount of work on himself to accept you dating other men.
 
I think you have received some excellent advice and comments already and I don't have any more to add there.

I did want to say that you do, of course, deserve to be happy with your life. I hope you are able to find your own happiness and peace, it sounds like there is a lot of stuff between you and your husband that needs to be worked out before things get worse.
 
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